Evanescence is 1 o’ those nu-metal bands that still gets a lot o’ slack & is still called cringe while bands like Linkin Park & e’en Limp Bizkit to some extent have been rehabilitated a bit, & I’m going to be that annoying progressive & say that it’s probably ’cause this band is girly, as well as having tinges o’ emo & goth, made most notorious by that infamously cheesy fanfic, which is still a meme, but now for all the mysteries surrounding its author. I find this strange, as there has been a backlash gainst the macho-posturing o’ nu-metal — especially their love o’ the homophobic F-slur, made most infamous by Fred Durst & Jonathan Davis’s attempt @ a rap battle that soils the otherwise good Follow the Leader, & which is definitely mo’ cringe than anything on this album — in contrast to, say, the mo’ sensitive Linkin Park, & a renewed appreciation for emo/goth bands — some nerds are going to rage @ me for just throwing those both into a single group, but nobody fucking cares, guys — like My Chemical Romance. After all, as the Boom-Booms love to say, younger generations are so sensitive these days, what with their functioning nerves that haven’t decayed into dead skin yet. ¿Is it time for J. J. W. Mezun, Certified Nu-Metal Expert, to rehabilitate Evanescence the way they single-handedly made Three Days Grace the biggest rock band o’ 2024?

1. Going Under

Amy Lee’s deep, filtered demon voice declaring, “now i will tell you what i’ve done for you”, is a great, iconic way to open an album ( tho I can’t help comparing it to the opening to the famous 90s “You Oughta Know”, where Alanis Morissette opens with, “i want you to know that i’m happy for you” in a similarly slow & menacing — albeit less spectral — voice ).

In fact, Amy Lee showed her versatility as a singer in this song, especially during the 2nd verse, where she switches from the opening filtered voice to an e’en mo’ ghostly, serpentine whispery voice, to mo’ melodic singing as it transitions to the chorus. Also, while most o’ the song’s music is pretty basic riffs, — albeit making a mo’ interesting contrast to Lee’s mo’ melodic singing than, say, Five Funky Dijon Lunch Ivan Moody’s standard metal gruff shouting — I like the subtle off-kilter piano notes ’hind the 2nd chorus.

The music video is just a clusterfuck, & yet still mo’ coherent than half the music videos for Three Days Grace’s self-titled. While scenes jump from Amy Lee swimming underwater like the Little Mermaid to their guitarist, Ben Moody, sweating while dealing with nosy reporters with distorted faces, it all revolves round the theme o’ the trials o’ fame… which would be mo’ believable if this weren’t the 2nd single o’ their debut album: you crackas weren’t dealing with the trials o’ fame yet. It’s like when Eminem was whining ’bout e’eryone trying to cancel him before anyone knew what his name was on The Slim Shady LP. Also, apparently Billboard listed this as 1 o’ the 15th scariest music videos in 2013. I can only presume this was written by a TV Troper who still insists that the original Luigi’s Mansion is scary.

Grade: A

2. Bring Me To Life

1 o’ the most iconic spooky, scary skeleton songs: the opening piano notes, Amy Lee’s saturnine voice singing, “¿how can you see into my eyes like open doors?”, & a few lines mo’, only for her to be accompanied by a ghostly voice in the background & the guitar riffs starting up, then a pause before the chorus… & then suddenly Mike Shinoda from Linkin Park some jebroni-ass cracka tryin’ to see Compton named Paul McCoy in some tough-guy standard Limp-Bizkit-ass nu-metal voice going, “¡Wake me up!” & “¡I can’t wake up!” like he’s Amy Lee’s hype man, her Favor Flav, while Lee tries to continue singing despite this distraction. Amy Lee was understandably not keen on her label forcing Evanescence to add a rapper to this song, — tho thankful that e’ery song didn’t need rippity rapping, like the label originally wanted, in stark contrast to Linkin Park’s label wanting the real Mike Shinoda to not rap, & for their DJ to wear a cowboy hat & lab coat, which, maybe they should’ve considered that other idea… — but I have to admit it adds to the cheesy charm o’ this song, especially when McCoy himself starts using his own spooky voice that sounds like he’s almost vomiting, with, “¡there’s nothing inside!”, just before the end.

But, no offense to Paul McCoy ( despite repeatedly dunking on him in the previous paragraph — I’m just playin’, Paul, you know I love you ), but the best version o’ this song is a live version with the 1, the only, “I love it when you call me big Papa” Jacoby Shaddix, where the band pauses just before the famous rap verse in the bridge with some amping music while Amy Lee hypes the fuck up his intro, telling the audience to clap their hands & calling out, “¡Jacoby, get out here, help me out with this!”, all for Jacoby to sing some short, goofy rap bars. It’s spectacular & the 1 time I wish I’d seen something live.

Grade: S

3. Everybody’s Fool

I can’t write ’bout this song without writing ’bout the amazing version o’ this song I found in some files I was rescuing from my sister’s corrupted hard drive, a version I thought was some troll YouTube poop version some wag making fun o’ Evanescence made: it started with cheesy sitcom music with some kid shouting, “¡Pepperoni!”, & then some cheesy Italian voice saying, “Mmm, ¡I love it!”, ending with some bizarre message, “There is nothing better than a good lie”, before the song actually starts. & just when you think it’s going to be the normal song, in the middle o’ it you hear random jackhammering noises.

So it’s to my shock when I finally saw the music video for this song & discovered, no, that wasn’t some troll: that’s the music video version o’ this song:

Also, the “jackhammering” was apparently the engine o’ a motorcycle fake Amy Lee was riding while Jonathan Davis from Korn in his Grandmaster Flash tracksuit gives an approving nod, just before she passed 1 o’ them a blue can o’ “LIES” cola, which should go well with the “Lies Pizza” sold @ the beginning o’ the music video. These scenes are interspersed with scenes o’ puff-faced emo Amy Lee dressed in a hoodie or track pants ( ¿why is it cool when the biker dude wears track pants, but the woman’s the loser for doing so? ) in dim lit rooms or elevators, trying to force herself to smile in the mirror; dealing with nosy Karens too naïve to know that you should ne’er fuck with a gloomy-looking cracka, ’cause they may be packin’ & ready to start a school shootin’ early; &, my own personal favorite pastime, laying in bed feeling sorry for herself. This juxtaposition o’ cheesy, dumb, faux-50s style fake adverts & 2000s-era emo depression makes this music video an S rank for me.

As for the song itself… it’s fairly catchy, tho I didn’t find the music memorable.

So far this song’s lyrics are mo’ focused than the mo’ abstract previous songs. Admittedly, I’ve always been cynical for as long as I remember & have ne’er been into celebrities, so I personally have trouble relating to the feeling o’ disillusionment with celebrities. We can’t say it’s not still relevant, tho: I know I keep referencing the Great Beef War o’ 2024, — & that’s mostly on purpose as a running joke — but the bridge where Amy Lee sings menacingly, “without the mask / ¿where will you hide? / can’t find yourself / lost in your lie…”, can’t not remind me o’ the final verse o’ “meet the grahams”: “take the mask off / i wanna see what’s under them achievements / ¿why believe you? you never gave us nothin’ to believe in”. I mean, obviously it’s not as dark as that song: this song is Luigi’s Mansion to that song’s Resident Evil. But I like Luigi’s Mansion, so that’s no problem. In any case, I’m standing on the take that this song is harder than anything Five Filing Debt Crunch has e’er written. If anything, our better understanding o’ the dark side o’ celebrity now — the way Britney Spears would later be treated, all o’ the sexual assault happening then that would only come to light later, & much mo’ — make this song’s message o’ celebrity deceit much darker in hindsight & make the warnings o’ not desiring to be a celebrity much mo’ resonant.

Indeed, during the research I did during the writing o’ this review, I discovered allegations by Amy Lee that guitarist Ben Moody was abusive toward her & that her manager, Dennis Rider, had sexually harassed Lee, as well as sexually assaulted other women a few years after this album came out, as well as Amy Lee claiming that she had been in an abusive relationship for 3 years ( presumably Moody ) while writing this album. I haven’t found anywhere where Lee specifically mentions this song & the fame they clearly imagined themselves to have after this album ( if the music video from “Going Under” is any indication ) being related to that, but, ’gain, it makes this song eerily resonant with the kind o’ revelatory songs that are coming out in 2024.

( I should note that the fact that this album’s composition was inspired by real trauma doesn’t surprise me as much as it might some, especially since I already knew ’bout the story o’ the younger sister dying, which we’ll get to later; in fact, a lot mo’ melodramatic nu-metal bands accused o’ being middle-class whiny white boy emos than people realize did: for instance, Chester Bennington o’ Linking Park & Jonathan Davis o’ Korn were both sexually abused as children, the latter o’ which became the basis for the Korn song “Daddy” [ & Bennington was poor before Linkin Park got big ] ).

Grade: B

4. My Immortal

O, the infamous song. I wonder if nowadays this song is mo’ well-known as the title o’ that infamously bad Harry Potter fanfic o’er, well, the song itself. ¿Has anyone e’er brought up the fanfic to Amy Lee? After a short online search, I found that the answer is apparently yes: her own sister. That’s pretty funny.

That being said… Yeah, I ne’er felt this song, & the same goes for now. That’s not surprising, since I rarely go for slow, sparse ballads, & this 1 doesn’t have the kind o’ creative lyrics that make up for that. I mean the pre-chorus literally has the line, “these wounds won’t seem to heal”, which I would assume was ripped off from Linkin Park’s “Crawling” if not for the fact that Hybrid Theory came out round the time this song was 1st released, so they must’ve been written independently. Considering how trite the phrase is, that’s not too strange a coincidence to believe.

I would feel bad ’bout dunking on this song, considering, unlike that cheesy song Five-Footed Daily Grunge had on their 1st album, a real relative o’ Amy Lee’s actually did die while she was young; but it turns out Amy Lee hates this song, too, — or this version, anyway — ’cause it’s a shoddy recording with fake piano & poorly-recorded vocals from an ol’ demo, tho this album’s version adds strings… which kind o’ just makes this song sound e’en cheesier. Why their label insisted on using a bad recording rather than let the band rerecord it, I have no idea. Also, apparently the song was written by Ben Moody & is “purely fictional” & ’twas when they were 15. So, no, I don’t feel bad for thinking a song by literal 15-year-ol’s sucks. In their defense, the songs I was writing when I was 15 were much worse & will, thankfully, ne’er see the light o’ day.

The music video includes a slightly better version, with real piano, better vocals, & guitar in the last 3rd or so. The guitar really does add a much-needed break to the monotonous piano melody that doesn’t seem to change much e’en in the choruses, but doesn’t make the song that much better, really. Hell, e’en the music video itself is boring, just showing black & white footage o’ Amy Lee sitting in a tree or lying on a roof or Ben Moody wandering random streets.

Grade: F

5. Haunted

Under no circumstance will any o’ the lyrics I wrote when I was 15 be released unto the world.

Anyway, this is more like the kind o’ spooky skeleton music I like, with the opening organ — ¿is that what that instrument is? — with building muffled drums while Lee drones her lyrics, only to pause with heartbeatlike beeps before going into the chorus.

The lyrics are, ’course, very cheesy, generic spooky stuff, which is fine —

The song’s lyrics are based off of a short story guitarist Ben Moody had written about an 8-year-old girl who gets trapped in a house after her ball bounces inside and is kept alive through another occupant of the house.

10 years later, she has grown dependent on the man who occupies the house for survival and while she wants to kill the man and escape, she has conflicting thoughts about the situation. On the one hand, she has the chance to finally leave the house if he dies and on the other, the man has been the only person she’s known for a decade and is the only constant in an ever-changing house.

Genius

( Genius doesn’t cite a source, but I was able to track down sources in the form o’ people claiming to be Amy & Ben — using the spy names “Snow White” & “efanar”, respectively, ’cause ’course those are the names those dorks would use — on an Evanescence fan forum. I have no idea why I’m putting this much effort into research like I’m deconstructing a political economics article, but I am apparently that afraid o’ being caught passing on fake news ’bout a 2000s rock band most people forgot ’bout. Guess I’m the dork ).

How the hell does a weird-ass story like that turn into vague lyrics ’bout feeling “so hollow inside” & how the singer “can feel you pull me down”. If I had to guess before this tidbit, I would’ve guessed this was ’bout the feeling o’ depression.

I also have to say it’s kinda weird that Moody wrote a short story ’bout a li’l girl kidnapped & groomed by some “figure” for 10 years, who is described as “rap[ing] her mind and watch[ing] her when she sleeps”, & then essentially develops Stockholm Syndrome ( insert cliché Twilight joke ), & that it’s written mo’ as a titillating spooky story, going into detail how “pale and dirty” her skin has become & how “Sun has not graced her flesh in over a decade” than any kind o’ genuine outrage against such things happening, especially given the aforementioned allegations gainst him. Personally, when I was that age I was making silly Pokémon comics ’bout an evil genius Torchic who tries to enslave all humans, not this fucked-up shit.

Grade: B

6. Tourniquet

OK, now this song’s lyrics are pretty metal, which is funny, as it’s actually a cover o’ a song by a Christian death metal band, — you know, the genre mainly inspired by such Christlike bands as Slayer — Soul Embraced, written by that band’s guitarist, Rocky Gray, who was a drummer for some o’ Evanescence’s live shows. This version is much better than Soul Embraced’s, as Soul Embraced’s singer does the Cookie Monster singing that for some reason so many death metal bands do, still under the delusion that it doesn’t make them sound e’en goofier than a nu-metal or ordinary Christian rock band. While some o’ the weird filters put o’er her voice dampens this a bit, Amy Lee still sounds mo’ like someone actually praying to God than, well, the Cookie Monster. Also, the opening riffs sound like the opening riffs to Nickelback’s “Because of You”. I don’t think that’s their fault, as “Because of You” came afterward, but it’s not my fault that that riff will always be associated in my head with that song.

This song makes a metaphor ’bout being damned to hell & separated by God by comparing that to a tourniquet being used to staunch the flow o’ blood before finally amputating the limb. Hell yeah. In this case I think it’s better that the lyrics themselves don’t go beyond mentioning tourniquets: knowing what they are & how they’re used gives the full story. What is important is @ the end where it’s revealed why the singer fears they may be damned to hell:

tourniquet, my suicide

Let me just say that, in contrast to the ✝-rock Thousand Foot Krutch’s tone-deaf song on ( maybe ) suicide ’bout how sorry the dead singer is for the trouble they caused for the “victims” still living & how they should just be an example for how the still-living should act ( by not dying ), this ✝-rock song showing genuine empathy with suicidal people with a Job-like protest before God is refreshing. I find religious songs where one writes honestly ’bout one’s struggles with their religion & the unquestionable injustice o’ the world much mo’ interesting than straight moralizing.

I’m mixed on the music itself. I like the opening noise, but some o’ the electric sounds don’t fit well, especially those fake-sounding drums, which sound like they belong mo’ in a Drake song than a 2000s rock cover o’ a death metal song. It’s a nitpick, tho.

Grade: A

7. Imaginary

I’m serious, I’m not fucking showing any o’ you assholes my shitty ol’ teenage song lyrics. They make Thousand Foot Krutch’s “Rawkfist” sound like “Big Poppa” in comparison.

I know this song is pretty silly, but I would argue it has some o’ the most creative lyrics, with vague abstract terms we’ve heard in so many o’ these albums ’bout pain & feeling hollow replaced by deep imagery o’ raindrops telling a story as they fall or “alarm-clock-screaming monsters”. I also like how that 1st bit o’ fantasy hints @ to the cause o’ this seemingly childish fantasizing, hinted @ in the 2nd verse, but mo’ fully revealed in the bridge: the singer’s insomnia induced by lonely fear o’ the real world. Maybe this is me reading my own experience too much into it, but I can tell you, in the past when I had a miserable job spending 13 hours a day filling liquor trays for airlines my alarm clock was genuinely the scariest noise for me; & the dread o’ such ticking time bomb going off eventually oft soured what was otherwise 1 o’ the few respites from said miserable job & wishing for sleep being 1 o’ the few escapes from said dread — especially since part o’ that dread was not getting ’nough sleep & being miserably exhausted the next day.

The twinkly piano notes & strings are a bit cheesy… but if one didn’t want cheesy, an Evanescent album probably isn’t the best choice o’ listening material.

Grade: A

8. Taking Over Me

Sigh.

Here is the chorus to some emo-ass song I wrote in October 2006, when I had just turned 15 — or a’least typed-up: I’m just going by the file modification date — called “Pain Game”, in all-caps, as if I was making fun o’ how dumb it sounds e’en back then:

TICKING, CLICKING
IT’S GOING DOWN THE DRAIN
YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
KICKING, DEPICTING
IT’S HURTING YOUR BRAIN
YOU WISH YOU WERE OUT OF THIS GAME

I’m dead serious when I say I’m not letting the rap verses e’er ’scape to the public, as doing so would be chemical warfare on the general public, & thus a war crime. Clearly back then I had not honed the craft that I would later possess to create such classics as “I met Dr. Jekyll” & “I’m spillin’ ya beans”.

Anyway, back to the album review in progress. “Taking Over Me” is a fun song, I guess. Let’s see what Genius says it’s ’bout:

Evanescence would never again scale the heights their debut record Fallen propelled them to. When you hear a track like “Taking Over Me,” an album cut, it’s clear how they sold 15 million copies of this record. Amy Lee’s incredible vocals are matched by a heavily produced and flawless guitar riff carrying the message of a person losing their sense of self in an unrequited relationship. It’s a track that easily could have been a single.

The song was secretly written about Amy Lee’s future husband, Josh Hartzler.

( Laughs ). OK, I didn’t expect a review from their biggest fan. I think “flawless guitar riff” is a bit much, — ¿how is Ben Moody ne’er mentioned ’mong the guitar legends like Jimi Hendrix, Tom Morello, or Carlos Santana? — especially immediately after the phrase, “heavily produced”. Usually people are being disparaging when they say that.

Anyway, this song is basically a silly love song from the perspective o’ a stalker, which certainly fits well in an album like this. That’s not me making fun o’ it: Amy Lee says so herself:

As with Bring Me To Life, I was writing that one about Josh kinda too, secretly. A lot of my lyrics have double meanings. There is the main meaning and then there’s the secret, sub-meaning for me. The main meaning was storytelling from the eyes of the stalker – with the line, ‘You don’t remember me, but I remember you.’ It was sort of the prequel to Snow White Queen. But the underneath meaning was that I was having all these feelings for this guy that I couldn’t tell him about. Why tell one story when you can two? I do that so often!

It’s really precious that Amy’s treating the common literary device known as subtext like it’s some new invention o’ hers. Also, ¿are those really 2 different meanings? I mean, if you’re writing songs ’bout someone you’re romancing after but with whom you don’t actually have a relationship, I mean, we kind o’ call that stalking, too…

Grade: B

9. Hello

OK, here’s the song ’bout Lee’s dead sister. Thankfully, it’s much better than “My Immortal”, which makes me wonder why they picked that awful song to be the single ( not to say that either o’ these absolute bangers make the best radio hit material ). The lyrics are much better than you’d expect from a nu-metal song, where o’ersang wangst ’bout ¿HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEE?, e’en if sometimes based on real trauma, is the norm. Going with the mo’ unsettling vibe o’ someone refusing to accept the death o’ a loved one — as well as the dissonant tone o’ giving this song the friendly title, “Hello” — is a much better choice &, ironically, makes it feel mo’ real, as, unfortunately, all the “¿HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEE?” songs make it impossible to discern genuine tragedy from “My mom wouldn’t buy me those $40 name-brand jeans @ Hot Topic — ¡life is so unfair!”, like a musical form o’ the boy who cried wolf.

While the lyrics & piano notes are suitably creepy, the strings are a bit cliché, & it feels like it’s missing something to really make it stand out — tho I do like the falling, stretching notes ’tween verses.

Grade: B

10. My Last Breath

I like the imagery o’ a song from the point o’ view o’ someone on their last breath before death, tho I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else made a song with a similar premise.

There’s just 1 problem I have with this song:

“My Last Breath” is the tenth track off of Evanescence’s debut album, Fallen. The song was inspired by the 9/11 attacks that killed just under 3,000 people in New York City, New York and Washington, D.C., United States.

Genius

¿Who would’ve thought that making a song ’bout 9/11 would be the cringiest thing Evanescence did on their 1st album? Not to be 1 o’ those edgelords who think those random strangers totally deserved it, or whate’er, or that the reactionary religious fanatic who had no problem being on the same side as the US when they were ganging up on communists is some underrated genius revolutionary with his brilliant plan to attack a bunch o’ random civilians & do no damage to the US state itself, — that’s why Bin Laden is dead, Al-Qaeda is irrelevant, & the US… well, if the US falls, it’ll be self-inflicted & due to economic factors that would’ve happened without Bin Laden’s spectacle — but honkeys be acting like this was the 1st time thousands o’ people had died, & hardly any songs dealt with the political ramifications o’ the attack, which is weird, since it clearly was a political attack.

It’s funny that another quote, which seems to confirm that Genius isn’t making this up, has Ben Moody say, “‘My Last Breath’ came from right after the September 11th thing”, calling it “the September 11th thing”, as if he didn’t e’en care ’bout it.

That being said, I do like the line “look for me in the white forest”, which sounds majestic, till you realize it’s referring to a graveyard o’ white tombstones. There are far worse 9/11 songs & this 1 is broad ’nough to extend beyond that specific topic.

I do wish the song’s sound fit mo’ with the breathing motif, like Three Days Grace’s “Drown”, with its ending sounding like the song itself is drowning @ the end.

Grade: B

11. Whisper

¿Why does this album end with this rather forgettable song & not the song called “My Last Breath”?

E’en Amy Lee isn’t that proud o’ this song:

“Whisper” is something that we still play on stage a lot and I love playing it, it’s a great live song. But lyrically it doesn’t hold a ton of meaning for me anymore ‘cause I’m not really at a very dark place in my life at all right now.

I guess the Latin chanting @ the end is a decent album closer, tho kind o’ cliché.

Grade: C

Conclusion

Album Grade: B

Well, that was October’s nostalgic novelty nu-metal album. Join me next month as we look @ another album.

60. N1 Out of the Woods – Green

The crux o’ this treasure, hopping ’long falling leaves while trying to avoid the water shots the fish spits @ you or falling into the lake, is a unique challenge that meshes well with the forest theme while adding the water twist to it. I specially like how they make this room darker & bluer than the rest o’ the level, giving it a mo’ mossy feel. Howe’er, it’s hard to ignore that said unique mechanic is just a new paint job o’er falling platforms & projectiles, which are not the most exotic o’ mechanics, especially in a game like this.

While I like the way they foreshadowed the green key from the beginning, I don’t feel like they tied it into the actual green treasure itself very well. Maybe if what you need to reach the green key, hopping off enemies, was what unlocked the leaf room, but that’s not the case; & e’en tho the sequence requires you to get the high-jump boots before the treasure that unlocks this treasure, I don’t think you actually need to high jump to jump ’cross the leaves. It seems they could’ve found a way to hide it ’mong the leaves — maybe have extra leaves ’bove & to the left @ a branching point. Or, hell, they could’ve placed it high up in the trees, which otherwise just has music coins. That would cohere a bit better since you have to jump ’cross tiny leaves that disappear soon after you land on them.

Continue reading @ Level Rankings.com…

70. S3 Tower of Revival – Blue

The 1st room into the red-&-gold snake door has a cool arrangement, especially the part where you climb up a ladder to loop around from the left crisscrossing the ladder thru a thin passageway as flat Wario, & the challenges where you have to quickly climb up, slide into a niche, & jump before the smashers fall & quake the ground are rare ’nough to feel fresh.

Unfortunately, the designers for some reason felt the need to put the blue key in a niche you have to fall down into & then fall back down to the start, making you redo the aforementioned puzzles again.

Continue reading @ Level Rankings.com…

80. E2 The Frigid Sea – Gray

I don’t have a problem with this treasure’s core being just a straight path going right while avoiding the quite-treacherous Brrr Bears & their ice shots on slippery platforms that don’t allow too much room to maneuver, specially since they do add the challenge o’ finding the gray key.

That said, I think they could’ve picked a better hiding place for the key. Not only do you have to break thru a wall to reach it, but it’s placed ’tween 2 sides, but only 1 side is breakable, & you’re just s’posed to guess that. E’en mo’ counterintuitive, there’s a grabbable crystal on the unbreakable side, which makes it look like you can pick it up & throw it @ the wall to someone who might go back to this stage & forget that they don’t get the glove till after this treasure. They could’ve a’least integrated the Brrr Bear with the key: ¿why not put a Prince Froggie in front o’ the gray key & have you get hit by the Brrr Bear up there to break thru it. That would be a great way to tutorialize this mechanic & would better mesh with the treasure theme. This is nitpicking, but it in addition to the basic path to the chest does make this treasure feel a bit uninspired — a’least in comparison to a lot o’ the other treasures in this game.

Continue reading @ Level Rankings.com…

90. E3 Castle of Illusion – Gray

This treasure made the mistake o’ focus primarily on a mechanic — dodging zombies — done in so many other treasures, & done much better in a’least 2 other treasures. While it’s cool to see sneak previews o’ all the chests in this level, — obviously unopenable this early, since you can’t get their keys but the gray 1 — having to go back & forth, crossing zombie-infested platforms & going into rooms to hit a switch, can get ol’, specially if you manage to get snagged by a zombie & have to go thru it all o’er ’gain.

The puzzle in the chest room, where you have to break the floor & knock the stove onto the bottom floor so you can reach the chest, is somewhat new, but doesn’t have much to it, & still feels a bit too similar to the stove puzzles in “A Town in Chaos”.

Continue reading @ Level Rankings.com…

Wario Land 3 is the point @ which the Wario Land series finally reaches its fullest potential, combining the clever status effect mechanic, where getting hit by certain enemies gives Wario certain effects like floating upward or falling down thin platforms, — & including new ones that are some o’ the best in the series, like turning invisible, turning into a yarn ball, turning into a snowball, or turning into a vampire who can become a bat & fly — which can be positive or negative for the player depending on the context, with a more open, explorative level than the mostly linear levels Wario Land II offered.

Rather than going on a sequence o’ levels with goals with a few secret exits & branching paths as the 2nd game, this game goes all the way with breaking from traditional platformers with a unique goal system: each level has 4 different-colored pairs o’ chests & keys. Collecting a matching key & then chest o’ the same color acts as 1 goal that gives the player a certain treasure that unlocks access to other keys & chests, whether by unlocking new levels, changing certain levels, or giving Wario new abilities. This can lead to multiple ways o’ getting certain treasures, especially in Time Attack challenges, when you have all abilities unlocked: for example, you normally get the red key & chest in “The Peaceful Village” using a snake to hoist you up to the roof; but if you have the winged boot, you can also high jump up the right wall ( which isn’t e’en getting into the collision glitch you can use to clip up that wall near the beginning o’ the game & the other glitches you can use the heavily sequence break this game like Metroid games ).

With this mo’ elaborate gameplay mechanic comes mo’ elaborate levels, with levels that branch out into different sections for the different treasures, not unlike Super Mario 64’s levels. This does lead to some repetition like in Super Mario 64 as you have to traverse the same challenges multiple times, — with some egregious examples we will be looking @ — but this is surprisingly not much mo’ than in the 1st Wario Land or Wario Land II, which, despite being mo’ linear, repeat a lot o’ the same general challenges; & given Wario Land 3’s game design, it’s mo’ understandable here.

Continue reading @ Level Rankings.com…

I have been very self-deprecating ’bout the embarrassing music I liked as a kid like Papa Roach, Skillet, & Breaking Benjamin, — tho I actually still liked the Breaking Benjamin album we listened to — but here is where I choose my battle & die on my sword: Three Days Grace — a’least the albums when they still had Adam Gontier as their lead singer — still holds up. I’m not going to sit here being all “hurr hurr, this shit was, like, so lame” pretending like this shit doesn’t still slap my ass back to the past to play some video games that suck ass. I’m not going to pretend I don’t cum all o’er myself when I hear Gontier’s grunge-light voice — that perfect balance o’ not too clean, with a li’l gravel, but not too far into the hurdy-gurdy Scott Stapp “singing while choking on a squirrel” style.

I’m also going to make the hot take that their 1st self-titled album was their best, a’least musically — it’s admittedly probably their worst lyrically. No album succeeds @ sounding as gloomy as this while still having ’nough pop sensibilities to actually be an enjoyable, catchy listen; no other album so perfectly evokes that feeling o’ a preteen sitting a dim-lit room on a rainy afternoon thinking dour thoughts for no reason ’cause their mother doesn’t believe in antidepressants or therapy. & since it’s September & autumn is starting to bring its gloomy weather here in the “Great Gray North” that is Seattle, now is the perfect time ( for me a’least: I don’t know what to tell you people near the equator where it’s probably still 30° Celsius ).

1. Burn

& we start with what I consider the best song o’ the album — & this band’s best song entirely. ¡It’s all downhill from here! This album opens with gradual crackling noise till we finally get those down-tuned guitars going in a jumping pattern, followed by thumping high hats like lightning strikes, & then some weird guitar riffs that go “WEAH-WEAH-WEAH-WEAH, WEAH-WEAH-WEAH-WEAH” while Gontier coolly sings the opening lines in his perishing alt-rock voice before bellowing out the chorus. I particularly like how the bridge solos go back to the main strumming, pause for a moment, & then start wilding out the riffs & drums & the different pitches Gontier sings the final word o’ the chorus the other 2 times he sings it.

¿But what o’ this song’s lyrics? ¿What is this song about? Beats me: as a kid I ne’er cared that much ’bout lyrics & would oft make up meanings for songs, e’en when I did know them. I’m pretty sure Arctic Monkeys’ “Crying Lightning” is ’bout a breakup or a toxic relationship, but as far as I’m concerned it’s ’bout lightning.

Let’s see what Genius has to say:

“Burn” is the riotous opening track to Three Days Grace’s eponymous album. Accompanied by clashing cymbals and thrumming bass, Adam Gontier incinerates his enemies.

¡Ha, ha, ha! That’s so cute: “Adam Gontier incinerates his enemies”. See, e’en Genius knows this song is great.

Grade: S

2. Just Like You

Unlike the previous song, I know precisely what this song is ’bout: it’s 1 o’ those cheesy “¡I’M NOT GONNA BE PART O’ YOUR SYSTEM!” songs.

But despite how cliché the lyrics are… the musical elements are just so good: that intro with those memorably downtuned riffs, the way Gontier shouts the verse lyrics, & then quietly sings the prechorus, only to build back to shouting for the chorus. The singing just has so many hooks & li’l twists that make it catchy. There’s a reason they made this a single.

The music video fits the song’s meaning, — spoiler: it’s the only 1 that does — & is the typical spooky sterile-white-clean authoritarian dystopian environment with e’eryone wearing masks; but I can’t not mention my amusement @ the fact that most o’ said masks look a bit like Trump, adding a whole new unintended interpretation decades later.

Grade: A

3. I Hate Everything About You

( Sigh ). Look, I know how cringe these lyrics are, — tho I don’t know if there were many songs with this love/hate topic when this came out, tho there were definitely many that came afterward — but musically this song is just perfect, e’ery part: the twanging opening acoustic notes, followed by drums, & then the best part, the quaking basslines while Gontier sings in that quivering voice that lingers on the final syllable, that feedback-filled guitar @ the end o’ the verses, the pause after the verse followed by rolling drums & shouted chorus, & then that chorus followed by the opening notes again but with those high “DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH-DUH-DUH” notes, the bridge, which sounds like a blend o’ the verse & chorus singing style, still quivering, but much louder…

I’m not e’en going to pretend to understand what story the music video’s trying to convey: from the looks o’ it, a bunch o’ zombie-faced teens come together to some neon-lit green valley to watch some dude get cucked while reliving the experience o’ being beaten & yelled @ by the same drunken ol’ man with a mean dog & then smashing picture frames on the ground. ¿Is it the ol’ man they both love & hate? ¿Why? ¿Is he the father to all o’ them? I’m not surprised such an abusive asshole would have such trouble keeping his shriveled dick in his pants to now spawn so many children.

I don’t think a song as simple but relatable as this needed to be given this kind o’ bizarre, abstract high concept; scenes o’ a couple yelling & fighting interspersed with footage o’ the band playing probably would’ve sufficed.

Grade: S

4. Home

This song has some strong elements, like the the guitar notes ending with that lingering echoing strum & the interesting way Gontier chances his voice’s emphasis on the verses. Howe’er, coming after the previous song, which was already ’bout a troubled relationship, this 1 feels a bit redundant & weaker. & while you could argue that all these songs are melodramatic, this 1 sounds especially so, with Gontier yelling ’bout his girlfriend turning off the TV & screaming @ him for no reason like it’s a soap opera. A’least the previous song offered a dilemma with the singer’s love/hate relationship; here the singer presents no positives to his girlfriend or living situation & gives no explanation why he doesn’t just leave. He e’en says, “I’m better off alone”. ¿So why not be alone?

Weirdly, Genius claims this song is ’bout “the heartbreaking effects of substance abuse on a relationship”, but I don’t see that: the only substance “abuse” mentioned is the singer getting stoned @ the beginning o’ verse 2, but that’s to deal with his already deteriorating relationship. Forgive me for not taking serious a dramatic song ’bout a relationship falling apart ’cause the singer kept smoking too much weed & ignoring his girlfriend to laugh @ ol’ The Three Stooges reruns. It would be an interesting twist if the singer, who seems to be presented as the sympathetic party here, is the 1 ruining the relationship: that the girlfriend is turning off the TV & yelling @ him to get up & live his life & that his griping ’bout how he’d be better off alone is his selfish hedonism — but that’s quite a leap to make.

The music video, which seems to tell 2 separate stories, 1 o’ which involves a pale-skinned “English-tittie vampire” smashing shit, including a room full o’ clocks & what looks like an owl cage ( ¡Kendrick promised no OVHOES would be harmed! ¡You lied! ), & a different story where the lead singer yells into a red payphone that is for some reason inside the ramshackle apartment in which they’re performing, adds no extra information regarding this song’s meaning.

Grade: B

5. Scared

This song’s an underrated spooky song with its memorable scare riffs with plenty o’ clashing high hats, Gontier singing the verses in a paranoid voice only to rise into a yell in the prechorus, & the muttering quietly in the bridge.

So this song, with its vague lyrics ’bout being “scared & lonely” & how he “wish you never told” him must be ’bout some deep, pathological fear, an existential dread that —

When the band arrived at one of the recording studios for the album, they were told that the place was haunted by the ghost of a little girl. The band initially dismissed the claims, but after strange occurrences during their time at the studio, the band felt more and more unnerved.

– Genius annotation

Or it’s ’bout a superstitious fear o’ the ghost o’ a child. ¿What were these “strange occurrences”, anyway? ¿A stuffed animal floating around with nobody holding it?

Anyway, the song still slaps.

Grade: A

6. Let You Down

This song’s all right. I like the rolling drum & bassline opening & the way it shifts thruout the verses. I also like the way Gontier sings in that quiet quivering voice for the 1st verse, but sings in a louder, almost hysterical way for the 2nd verse.

& lyrically, this might be 1 o’ the best songs on this album, with an actually clever pun on “letting one down” — offering to safely let someone down from somewhere dangerous playing off the opposite idea, being unable to support someone by letting them down, which bumped this song’s grade up a rank. The sarcastic way the singer sings it makes it ambiguous whether or not it’s applying this criticism to someone they trust or society in general or if it’s a self-deprecating criticism o’ their own tendency to let others down.

Grade: A

7. Now or Never

This is where the album starts to dip a bit. This isn’t a bad song: the downtuned guitars & Gontier’s singing — especially on the chorus — still sound good. But this is 1 o’ the less memorable songs, is a bit slow & hokey-sounding, & has the cringiest lyrics, with vacuous philosophizing ’bout “what does it all mean” & “¿why isn’t this word turning around?”. I dunno: ¿why should it turn around? ¿Did Lois Lane get crushed to death & does she need Superman to spin the world back in time to reverse it?

Grade: C

8. Born Like This

This song is e’en less memorable than the previous; tho it’s a bit harder & faster, there are no catchy hooks or any notable singing. & the lyrics are just baffling nonsense, especially the prechorus, proclaiming that “someone’s gun is laughing”. ¿OK? ¿Is this song ’bout school shootings? ¿Is this why the singer says in the bridge, “somewhere you’re floating high / you’re not living, we are”? ¿Is he talking ’bout someone who got shot to death? ¿& how does this relate to the following chorus lyrics?

it’s not what i gave to you
it’s not what i stole
we are born like this

¿Is he saying it’s not the laughing gun that’s the problem, it’s human nature?

Unfortunately, Genius has no annotation for this song, so I’ll probably ne’er know the answer to this mysterious laughing gun.

Grade: C

9. Drown

Good news: we’re back to the top-tier songs. This is 1 o’ the best songs about depression, not due to its lyrics, which are generic drivel ’bout not wanting to be controlled, — tho, to be fair, I would argue that this song’s vague incoherence, babbling ’bout how “it’s hard to fly when you can’t e’en run”, matches how many don’t really have a reason for being depressed or suicidal — but due to the absolutely dour, rainy sound o’ this song, with its sluggish bass notes mixed with soft piercing sirens in the background. The song itself sounds like it’s drowning, especially @ the end where the singer’s quickening whispering mutterings & the music become increasingly muffled.

Grade: S

10. Wake Up

A great drunken apology acoustic emo song — tho not as good as the GOAT o’ such, Blue October’s “Hate Me”. While the music supports the song, the song’s really sold by Gontier’s wavering & off-key singing, which sounds drunk & pathetic.

My 1 quibble with this song is these lines that only stood out to me now, as a much older, mature, & socially-aware adult:

i must be running out of luck
’cause you’re just not drunk enough to fuck

Um, ¿is this singer saying that he can only get sex from the recipient o’ this song ( or can only enjoy it ) when she’s too drunk to give reasoned consent? ¿Is this why she won’t “wake up” & won’t answer your knocking? Whate’er: I’m sure that’s not what the composer implied & I think back then we weren’t so conscious ’bout the iffiness o’ fucking drunk people.

Grade: A

11. Take Me Under

This song’s only problem is that it has a similar theme & sound to “Drown”, — suicidal depression — but isn’t quite as good. Which is not to say it isn’t good: I love those opening matching acoustic & bass notes, then a pause, then louder, rumbling drums & bass while the singer sings, “take me all the way”, in a voice fading as much as the singer seems to want to fade himself. That being said, the very loud chorus & e’en bridge don’t seem to mesh well with the general song’s tone. Contrast “Drown”’s chorus, which was louder than the verses, but didn’t rise to outright shouting.

Grade: B

12. Overrated

Unfortunately, this album ends with the weakest song, with pretentious but vague lyrics ’bout how the youth can’t relate to the system, man, in a voice that’s way too sinisterly cold & dour for such cheesy faux Rage Against the Machine lyrics, followed by shouting how, “¡YOUR SHIT IS OVERRATED!”. ¡Such an edgy radical!

Worse, the music is boring, with basic butt-rock-loud riffs for the opening & chorus. I guess I do kind o’ like the spooky notes under the verses, but e’ery other song on this album does better.

Grade: D

Conclusion

This album still holds up well & I won’t accept anyone who tells me otherwise. The council has made its decree.

Album Grade: A

Bonus

This isn’t part o’ this album @ all, but needs to be seen. The following is Three Days Grace performing a live cover o’ “Lose Yourself” — that’s right: the “Mom’s Spaghetti” Eminem rap song.

3. Ruins at the Bottom of the Sea Story 3: Inside the Ruins

This here is the most daring level in this game: after rolling the long way right @ the beginning, granting you a sneak preview o’ the level proper, you end up on the far right side & the goal door, right there; & unlike levels like “Go to the cellar!!”’s “Find the exit!!” & “Uncanny Mansion”’s “The way to the open door” & “Coming back is difficult”, which tease you with showing you the exit, but making you play thru the whole level to get access to it, this level doesn’t bluff & does allow you to just enter the door right @ the start. But because this game is truly about 100%-ing it, not just beating it, — if one were just beating it, ¿why would one be playing thru a bonus chapter? — the player still needs to get the treasure, & to get the treasure the player will have to play thru the level to find its door & come back to the goal later. In a way, this foreshadows Wario Land 4, but in a different way: the goal o’ that game wasn’t just to hit the switch just to go back & leave. If that were the case, then its final level would be the easiest level in the world. Its goal was to collect the various items necessary to continue thru the game & safely exit with them. This level is the earliest iteration o’ that mechanic in Wario Land, with the treasure as the collectible with which you need to escape.

Playing the level proper involves navigating a maze o’ columns, breaking thru the 1-block-high cracked spots with rolling Wario, which in some cases requires timing jumps to get from the nearest slope to the cracked wall blocking your way forward. @ a micro level, this works the same as e’ery other use o’ this mechanic in the series, but nowhere else in the series, much less this game, is it utilized in such a memorable, intricate, & thorough fashion. For instance, this level adds a few backward slopes to go backward into certain niches. & while most rolling Wario setpieces thruout the series are relatively on-the-nose ’bout how to complete them, this level’s layout is mo’ complex & has mo’ variance to the placement o’ columns, blocks, & cracked passageways & requires mo’ scrutiny to follow the right path — especially when playing the game itself & only seeing a small screen o’ the map @ a time.

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