1 odd part ’bout the Yellow Switch is that, ’cept for the 1st level, it’s much easier to get than the Red Switch, e’en though my “canonical” sequence ( & as I mentioned in the intro, once a mandatory sequence till I came to my senses ) had the Red Switch before the Yellow Switch ( hence why I do so here ).

Adding this to the fact that the Yellow Switch opens access to mushroom-producing Yellow Switch blocks makes me recommend doing the Yellow Switch before the Red Switch for beginners ( well, other than recommending not playing this dreck @ all ).

World C: Shroom City Mainland ( revisited )

We still won’t be here for too long…

Highway to Hell ( 1st trip )

Music: “Dark Cave”, Pokémon Gold, Silver, & Crystal

This name isn’t an exaggeration: this level is a pain in the ass — & I only did the 1st exit.

I’m not sure whether to think the 1st pipe structure is clever or stupid: as the video shows, it leads you into thinking it’ll be some convoluted maze, only for most o’ its contents to be useless & that you’re actually s’posed to just go o’er it. E’en better — spoilers — 1 half o’ the secret exit actually is hidden in there, which only pulls the rug back under your feet after pulling it.

On the other hand, the path ’bove the pipe “maze” is just a boring straight path with a few Bob-Ombs you might get hurt by if you’re not paying attention out o’ pure impatience.

The part just after the midway point is quite dickish: it leads you to think you’re s’posed to use the springboard to get o’er the pipe wall, but as the video shows, you’ll want to use the convenient invisible blocks ’long the side. ’Less you’re good @ aiming your cape flight ( & you still have your cape ), you’ll need the springboard for later.

The 2nd hub doesn’t have much: mostly filler enemies round pipes that lead to different areas. There’s only 1 point o’ interest, but that’s for our next visit.

1 point o’ historical interest: I thought I remembered the 1st pipe leading back to the exit pipe in the 1st hub. I’m not sure if I took it out ’cause I thought ’twas useless & just an annoying beginner’s trap or if I’m just misremembering. Considering the bewildering ( & sad ) ’mount o’ stuff I do remember ’bout this dumb game, probably the former.

The next room you’re s’posed to go to is just a clusterfuck o’ enemies; but as I demonstrate when I finally beat it, you can clear out most o’ that cluster by kicking the shell o’ 1 o’ the Koopas @ the beginning. I actually kinda like it: it reminds me o’ an original Super Mario Bros. level.

’Course, as the video also shows, in order to get back o’er the wall in the 1st hub — back to that tantalizing floor o’ brown blocks covering the pipe, if you remember — you need a cape; so if you lost it, like I did, you have to go back into the 2nd hub & find a new 1 while keeping ’live & keeping the P-switch. If you die, you have to get both the P-switch & the cape all o’er ’gain.

I have mixed views on this level. It’s a pain in the ass; but you have to admit it’s a clever use o’ tools. It’s just way too early in the game. This is the kind o’ deviousness that should be reserved for a latter area — possibly as a bonus. Worst, it’s a huge bottleneck for the game. All the switches but the Red Switch require you to beat this level, 2 the normal exit, 1 the secret exit. That’s what makes the level particularly assholish.

Other than that, the 1 problem is that some areas, like the toxic water areas & the Piranha Plant area ( which we don’t see yet ) are fillerish: mostly many tiny jumps o’er death pits.

• P-Switch level count: 10 / 15
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 3
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Piranha Trap Pass ( 1st trip )

Music: “Overworld”, New Super Mario Bros.

Interestingly ’nough, “Highway to Hell” & “Piranha Trap Pass” are the 2 main gatekeepers to the rest o’ the game. “Highway to Hell” guards all but the Red Switch ’hind its normal & secret exits while “Piranha Trap Pass” guards the Yellow & Blue Switches ’hind “Highway”’s normal exit. Luckily, “Piranha Trap Pass” is much easier.

’Course, as the video shows, this level trolls the player a bit — as we’ll see I liked to do a lot. Tricking the player into Koopa hopping o’er Muncher pits when they’re truly s’posed to go left & bring a silver P-switch is ’specially silly considering the following levels will actually demand enemy-hopping o’er Muncher pits ( though there will still be mo’ trolling soon… )

As an extra trick, the level makes you think you can make going back past the reams o’ Piranha Plants easier by hitting the silver P-switch as soon as you reach it; but as the video shows, nope, you won’t make it, & you’ll be completely screwed out o’ getting the normal exit ’less you leave & come back.

I don’t know how many o’ these tricks were intentional. I know the last 1 I mentioned wasn’t, ’cause I literally was just trying it for the 1st time in that video footage.

Also, I like the palette on this 1. This was a later change & was probably when I started using Photoshop / GIMP filters to devise the colorsets for levels rather than just guessing colors like a buffoon.

Speaking o’ which, I should talk ’bout the gradient backgrounds ( which gorgeously leave parts visible when the screen fades, a prevalent glitch that literally made SMW Central rightfully reject this hacky hack ): people @ SMW Central did praise me for my use o’ HDMI, some complicated SNES effect that I couldn’t figure out how to get working well in SMW. As that should hint, this doesn’t use HDMI @ all, but simply uses pixelated tinting & a gradient o’ shades ( which can easily be done in Lunar Magic’s palette editor by holding Alt & back clicking 2 colors @ either end o’ where you want to gradient to be ).

I simply created tiles o’ flat colors & a blend ’tween 2 side-by-side colors & put 1 ’bove the other for the illusion o’ smooth color transition ( actually, in my defense, since HDMI does not use pixelated transitions, but just flat bars, my version actually is smoother, which probably ’splains why people found my “version” looked so nice ). Hawk-eyed viewers will notice that in these backgrounds the gradient always starts ’bove the picture ( the jungle plants in this case ), while the part actually ’hind the picture is flat. That’s why: it’s part o’ the same background, & since the gradient takes up too many colors to share a row with the picture ( a tile can only use 1 palette row ), the gradient & the picture can’t share tiles; & since the gradient goes clear ’cross horizontally, they can’t share any vertical space.

The lack o’ HDMI also ’splains why the gradients ne’er blend with the rest o’ the graphics, as real HDMI can do — & which makes HDMI worth it in the 1st place. Nor could I do any wavy effects. Compare my levels to this level from Brutal Mario, which actually uses HDMI, & one can see the clear difference:

• P-Switch level count: 11 / 16
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 3
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

World E: Deserted Skies

Music: “Map Medley”, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

You’ll get the “skies” part later.

Dusty Desert

Music: “Area 8 – Raddish Ruins”, Kirby & the Amazing Mirror

After 2 clever levels, we get utter mediocrity. The only interesting thing ’bout this level is that it has actual Koopa-hopping o’er Muncher pits — albeit, small, simple bouts — in contrast to the previous level.

But most o’ the level are hashed-together small jumps o’er spiked enemies or holes. Mo’ bewildering, despite being a desert, most o’ this level takes place in the clouds ( in fact, as we’ll see, all o’ these desert levels take place high up in the sky for some reason; if I had intentionally made this a sky/desert combo theme, I’d think this was clever ), which are just a ’scuse for tiny jumps. It’s copypasta level design to its max. It sucks.

• P-Switch level count: 12 / 17
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 3
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Death Valley

Music: “Area 8 – Raddish Ruins”, Kirby & the Amazing Mirror

& here we get the big troll level. Yes, as the video shows, it makes a big deal ’bout how you’re s’posedly s’posed to Koopa-hop o’er the long Muncher pit ( which, as the video shows, is actually quite easy if you bring a Yoshi ), only to provide 2 cape feathers that can be used to fly o’er it all, making this the easiest… Nope: e’en that’s not true. That’s ’nother troll level.

This was meant to be a satire on a common complaint ’bout Super Mario World & the cape feather & how people can just fly o’er some levels. The idea is that people have been so conditioned that flying o’er levels in Super Mario World & its hacks is wrong, is cheating, that it’s a puzzle to run into an actual level that requires it. & yet, it makes sense: the infinite flight isn’t some glitchy exploit, but an intentionally-designed game tool put in not just this hack, but the original. It makes sense that you’re s’posed to use it to beat some levels.

( Interestingly, ’nother theme I just now noticed in Desert / Sky World: the Yellow Switch, as I mentioned in the Red Switch, heavily focuses on flight to beat it — ’cept it’s actually challenging. So in addition to a troll, you could consider this level a stealth tutorial ).

• P-Switch level count: 12 / 18
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 3
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Dark Desert

Music: “Area 8 – Raddish Ruins”, Kirby & the Amazing Mirror

The 1 thing I can say ’bout this level is, man did I make it much mo’ concise. I remember the original version had the 1st part go on far longer, which meant that the swim under the 1st part took super long, which was ’specially tedious on the way there, constantly tapping the B button. There’s still a Cheep Cheep that jumps through dirt, but I guess you could make up some ’scuse for that. It’s better than an earlier version where there was a Blurp that outright swam through the sand.

Actually, in general I’d say this level makes good use o’ space, with the only exception being that random bowl-area with a single Pokey inside.

Granted, I’m not so fond o’ the reuse o’ the “hit P-switch to re-enter 1st area so you can rush to reach the pipe @ the start” for the secret exit, which had already been done much better in “Basidio Bridge”.

I’m also mixed on mixing the “enter pipe you entered from to enter a subtly different version o’ this room” for the water room keyhole with a separate secret for the key. On 1 side o’ it, having just, “Just enter 1 o’ the pipes you enter from” as the sole “secret” seems lame; on the other, this feels like a waste o’ ideas. I think I’d lean toward keeping it as it is.

You know, I used to remember thinking this level was worse than it seems now. I actually think this is quite a good level.

• P-Switch level count: 13 / 19
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Shroom of Sands

Music: “Area 8 – Raddish Ruins”, Kirby & the Amazing Mirror

I’m not sure why I bothered to e’en mention this, since it’s the exact same thing as the last 1 we saw — & the 5 or 6 we’ll see hereafter.

1 difference is that the message is e’en mo’ useless than the previous, which actually gave useful, albeit well-known, advice, while this just spews out a shitty joke that was already made in “Flaming Femurs”.

O well. I’d much rather go through the secret exit o’ “Dark Desert” than “Volcanic Valley”, so it’s not nearly as much a disappointment.

Pain in My Temple

Music: “Temple”, Zelda II: The Adventures of Link

The original version o’ this level was “Temple of the Cat”, an incredibly lame pun off the band, “Temple of the Dog”, which most people probably wouldn’t get. Sadly, this change means that my attempt to twist this post into a Chris Cornell tribute, which wouldn’t be cynical @ all, is ruined.

Anyway, it’d be a terrible tribute, ’cause this level is poop. The only good thing ’bout it is its graphics & music, which, as the message box that gets its own room for no good reason says, were just stolen by some jerk¹.

The main problem is that maneuvering through a lot o’ places is awkward. As the video shows, Koopa-hopping o’er the Spear-heads is awkward; & if you accidentally kill 1 with a fireball, you’re fucked ( fireballs truly suck compared to the cape in this game; they’re almost worse than just being big ). But the alternative is ladder-hopping, which is fine for the normal exit, but a pain to do if you’re carrying a P-switch & don’t want to accidentally drop it into a pit. The skeleton fish are hard to see in the sand.

& then there’s that bullshit secret, with is just move-throughable wall which can only be discerned by noticing a slight color difference. Move-throughable walls are the laziest secret in all gaming.

There’s also a lot o’ empty padding. In addition to the empty room with the hilarious 4th-wall-breaking message box there’s a split path that leads to the midway point & key. ’Cept 1 path has literally nothing while the other has tricky-to-dodge Thwomps only 2 blocks from the ceiling. ¿Why bother with the hard part when you can literally just skip it? I guess if you haven’t hit the switch, you have to take the dangerous part to get the midway point — but not the key; but if you’re willing to risk that, you might as well be willing to risk hitting the switch, which is easier, & getting both. It makes no sense.

The 1 thing I do like is the dynamic o’ having a simple & easy normal exit to the left ( which pulls a bit o’ a “Chocolate Island 3” on you & simply creates a path back to Dry Desert, as if you e’er wanted to play that awful level ’gain ) & a mo’ challenging secret exit to the right. Also, Wario Land 3 chest in night sky as keyhole is a nice touch.

As an extra note: I’m not the only one who noticed that this level is the best way to grind money ( which, as we’ll see, we’ll need later ).

• P-Switch level count: 14 / 20
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Lab of the Mirage

Music: “Revenge of Meta Knight – Halbert”, Kirby Super Star

¿“Mirage”? ¿What mirage? ¿Why wasn’t this called “Lab of Sands” to both be consistent with the “Shroom” & to take advantage o’ the fact that “sands” is both alliterative with “shroom” & rhymes with “lab”?

This lab probably fits the least with its theme; but it’s still a thousand times funner than “Lab of Darkness”, ¿so who cares? I guess one could make a connection ’tween this level’s focus on yellow blocks & sand… Not sure the 2nd part fits in, though. ¿’Cause the electric bolts are yellow? I guess everything’s slightly yellow.

It’s short, but that makes it sweeter than the giant mound o’ shit that’s “Lab of Darkness”. Sorry, there’s not much to say ’bout this level other than comparing it to the previous lab.

I can say that the boss is mo’ interesting than the “Lab of Darkness” boss. I’d say it’s the 2nd best. It’s not exactly brilliant; but when you don’t want to reuse Super Mario World’s e’en lamer bosses & can’t figure out how to use the Custom Boss sprite from SMW Central, you use what you have. ( I guess I could’ve used some other custom sprites — which I rarely used in this hack, for some reason. )

• P-Switch level count: 14 / 21
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

The Yellow Switch

Music: “The Axem Rangers Drop In”, Super Mario RPG

& this Switch is much better than the Red Switch.

The only problem is that Yoshi, who should ne’er be ’loud to enter this level, ruins it.

I wish this level did mo’ with flying. Just dodge a few spike balls. As the video shows, e’en if you get hit by 1, it’s still quite easy to make it to the pipe.

• P-Switch level count: 14 / 22
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Only 3 posts & we’ve already been through half the Switches & mo’ than 1/3 the levels.

( Note: an idea I unfortunately hadn’t thought o’ implementing till now: each level’s music, most o’ which is custom [ stolen from SMW Central, adaptations o’ songs from real games ], as well as the game it’s originally from & whether or not it’s a spot-on adaption [ labelled “same” ]. I’ve also gone back to the previous post & added them. )

World C: Shroom City Mainland

Music: “Map Medley”, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

I don’t know how good a name that is for this area; like I said, none o’ this game was broken up into any kind o’ coherent “worlds”.

Unfriendly Forest

Music: “Forest Area”, Kirby’s Adventure

I question whether I should include this in this world, since it has nothing to do with cities; & as you’ll see soon, we won’t be staying in this world for long, anyway.

Early on I considered this 1 o’ my better levels. I just think it’s all right now. It does have a subtle quality in how fun the jumps are if you do them correctly. Unfortunately, thanks to both the jitteriness o’ trying to record emulator playing & my weakened game-playing skills after years without playing not only this hack, but Super Mario World in general, I don’t show off this level particularly well.

1 thing I will say ’bout this level is that I think I did do the nonlinear thing well. This 1 feels legitimately open-ended & has multiple paths & uses almost everything, rather than having a bunch o’ useless fluff everywhere. If I had any complaint, it’d be that there seem to be a few too many basic jumps & naked Koopas.

I would e’en say I don’t mind the use o’ the P-switch here. ¿Have I mentioned yet that I had an affinity for making you go somewhere to get something that allows you to get past something blocking a path right @ the start, like Wario Land 4?

I still stand by the trick to getting the keyhole — ’specially since it’s not e’en necessary; you can just run & jump up there if your timing’s right. In fact, from what I’ve seen o’ people playing this level, I don’t think many have gotten frustrated, since all always found an easier alternative. I like that: it’s a cute li’l trick that you get o’er with soon. It’s like a parody o’ bullshit jumps in bad Super Mario World hacks, but thankfully doesn’t make you endure 1 in actual.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

• P-Switch level count: 6 / 7
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

World D: The Darkness

Music: “Welcome to Crocodile Island”, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest

Hmm… Isn’t this familiar…

Flaming Femurs

Music: “Hot Head Bop”, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest ( Same )

This music’s so amazing that I didn’t mind having to hackily turn off sound effects seemingly arbitrarily to get it to work well.

Surprisingly, the sound doesn’t crack @ all in this playthrough, e’en though I always remembered kicking a Koopa shell somehow disobeyed the sound-effect-canceling sprite.

You’ll see soon ’nough that I like very dark levels — not for any sake o’ difficulty, but simply for aesthetics, not thinking @ all what problems this might cause for anyone who didn’t have a monitor as bright as mine or had weaker eyesight.

This actually might be the only time I intentionally used the darkness as a form o’ difficulty, @ the end with the blocks that blend in with the background. This level also originally had a block that was s’posed to change the palette to a brightened-up version to simulate turning the lights on, but I couldn’t get that to work without causing the palette to become a psychedelic mess, — & that’s not s’posed to happen till much later in this hack — so I had to scrap it.

These layer-2 rooms are god awful. I don’t think I’ve e’er done 1 well & knew it e’en @ the time, but forced myself to do them ’cause I tricked myself into thinking they added variety. The timing’s always off, forcing you to wait, which is always boring & awful. & this is the least-awful iteration.

Finally: the message box that tells you to jump into the lava to find a secret key isn’t just a parody o’ those cliché schoolyard rumors; in a much earlier version o’ this level I actually had that as a way to find a secret exit. That was back when I thought the best puzzles were those where I just changed the behavior o’ a block & hoped the player randomly guessed that the game rules changed for no reason — ’cause that’s always great game design.

Otherwise, there’s not much to say ’bout this level. A’least it’s short & simple for once. O yeah: & no P-switches.

• P-Switch level count: 6 / 8
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

Cave of Misfortune

Music: “Mt. Moon”, Pokémon Red & Blue

I still think this level’s great & am still proud o’ the main gimmick. Too bad I suck @ games & fucked it up in this video.

’Nother detail I’m glad I added was changing some hex code so that the Koopas are no longer in the shells that pop out o’ the ?-blocks, which always made me wait for them to pop out & fall into a pit on earlier versions. Forcing yourself to play your own games the natural way is a great way to push yourself to optimize things, just for your own selfish goal o’ minimizing tedium.

I do worry that the secret exit might be too easy to find. I think if I were to do it now, I’d make it look like there’s a full ceiling, ’stead o’ that conspicuous line o’ empty dirt, while still having the beanstalk eat through it. This would do what I just mocked as lazy earlier, but in this case I think it’s fair, since the idea that vines eat through solid dirt isn’t necessarily solid, as evidenced by the fact that it ate through that solid middle dirt in the current version. If anything, the conspicuous line o’ empty dirt looks too much like cutoff, which was surely the core reason why this hack wasn’t accepted by SMW Central.

Also, I’m not sure what I was thinking when I designed the palette for the secret room. I’m also not so fond o’ how it’s the same thing as the main level. O well: a’least it’s short.

• P-Switch level count: 6 / 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

Volcanic Valley

Music: “Hot Head Bop”, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest ( Same )

& now we get into some true shit. You have no idea how many deaths I had to edit out — & most o’ them were caused by the wonky hit detection o’ these slopes. In particular, the last slope before the pipe is, I think, impossible to do ’less you’re small or you’re super dexterous ’nough to duck & slide jump before falling into the lava. The saddest thing is, it’d be easy to solve, too: just make the slopes go deeper into the lava. That’s how Nintendo programmed the lava after all: the top block doesn’t kill you; just the body below it, allowing some padding before you die.

The inner caves are no better. They’re mostly the same, but now there’s a boring-ass skull-raft ride, which is so slow, it sucks. & as, um… raocow says in the video, the raft disappears if you let it leave the screen. & since you need to to enter the pipe, — e’en if you had a cape & could float o’er to it, the raft is the only ground you could use to enter the pipe — leaving you utterly fucked.

This was the 1st level to legitimately piss me off. It won’t be the last. E’en the lack o’ P-switches doesn’t save it.

• P-Switch level count: 6 / 10
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

Shroom o’ Darkness

Music: “Mt. Moon”, Pokémon Red & Blue

Hey, it’s 1 out o’ a million o’ these. ’Cept without the cool bonus items that Super Demo World had which actually made them interesting. Look: you get to pay to get o’erpriced powerups you can easily get in a regular level; ¿isn’t that a great reward for all that bullshit?

But a’least you get some advice every Super Mario World hack-player knows.

Also, this doesn’t count for the P-switch count, since it doesn’t e’en have a goal.

Dead Shallows

Music: “Ghost House”, Super Mario World ( Same )

I was proud o’ this level till I found out The Second Reality Project already did its main gimmick years before me.

Going through the level backward underwater to get a P-switch you obviously couldn’t get, & using that P-switch to go through the main room a different way are cool, but not used to their best extent. I think putting them together is a waste o’ 2 good gimmicks. I love how I just threw together 2 clever gimmicks & did li’l with them while o’erusing P-switch puzzles & layer-2 bullshit in a dozen other levels ’cause I apparently didn’t have ’nough variety.

I thought I remembered an info box @ the end o’ the water room hinting that you should try to go through the 1st room ’gain without using the Torpedo Ted; but maybe I removed it ’cause I thought the solution was too obvious.

• P-Switch level count: 7 / 11
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

World A: Valley o’ Bowser’s ( revisited )

Music: “Valley of Bowser”, Super Mario World ( Same )

The Haunt

Music: “Shade Man – Ghouls ‘N Ghosts”, Mega Man 7 ( Based on 1st stage theme from Ghost ‘N Goblins games )

I remember this level being harder; surprisingly, I had less trouble this time than with “Cave of Misfortune”. Must’ve toned it down.

I know I must’ve toned down the P-switches, since I remember the original forced you to get both a blue & silver.

That said, other than the atmosphere, there’s not much to say ’bout it. There’s a subtle cleverness to the jump down the hill, which was much worse in earlier versions; I remember the jump through the plants in the upper part could be done quickly & flashily, which I don’t do, ’cause I’ve lost all skills I’ve developed in this game; the fact that you can use the silver P to go through the part easier is nice; though this was done better in other levels.

O yeah, & there’s keys all o’er, as some kind o’ joke… I guess. You’d have to ask teenage me. There’s no secret exit in this level, & there’s no keyhole anywhere.

• P-Switch level count: 8 / 12
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

Sea of Sangre ( revisited )

Music: “Decisive Battle”, Final Fantasy VI

’Course, anyone watching the video o’ the 1st trip must’ve noticed that this was a red level with a secret exit.

Though it’s mo’ a hindrance to this level than a help, I decided to show off that there’s a red Yoshi hidden @ the top o’ the beginning o’ this level as an easter egg. The game’ll mention later that there’s 1 o’ each special color Yoshi in each level ( technically 2 levels for the blue Yoshi, thanks to the wing bonus ); but the red Yoshi’s the only 1 that’s hidden ( the others you have to encounter to 100% the game ), & most playthroughs I’ve seen hadn’t found it.

This is ’nother level that’s rather hard to comment on simply ’cause it’s just OK. I guess I thought having the goal in the middle o’ the room clever, though I bet I’ve done it better in ’nother level. Also, having ’nother “Find the P-Switch” puzzle loses whatever points it might’ve gained. Same with a long-winded bridge-building puzzle that’s only made bearable by flying & hitting them all @ once. I guess maybe that could be a clever way to reward those who think o’ that; I didn’t plan it but came up with it while testing the level in a desperate attempt to speed it up, since I tested these levels dozens o’ times.

Note how I tried to make this a trainer’s wheels version o’ Koopa hopping by making there by ground below. Also, ’twas pointless, since by this point it’s immensely likely you have a cape & can just fly o’er everything. You can see in the video that I started to do just that, only to stop & decide that I probably ought to show off the way you’re “s’posed” to do it. These trainer’s wheels are e’en mo’ odd if you do this exit on the way back, which is what I expect, you’ll have to go through much harder challenges ( ’specially if you play through that “Volcanic Valley” bullshit ).

• P-Switch level count: 8 / 12
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 2
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 2

Lab of Darkness

Music: “Fight Against an Armed Boss”, Super Mario RPG

’Stead o’ castles or fortresses, this game has laboratories, with a li’l green & gray icon I drew myself. I actually still like this decision, though I wish I’d picked better Mega Man graphics to steal.

It cracks me up how there’s a cutscene showing Luigi jump off Yoshi, as a way to keep the game from glitching with Yoshi’s existence, & then slowly walking inside ( after Luigi the Magician makes the door open just by looking up @ it ), only to start you outside the castle ( to keep the darkened palette o’ the 1st inside room from infecting the cutscene ). Maybe it’s just the entrance to the courtyard.

Also, if this is s’posed to be a lab, ¿why’s it look so much like a castle? Just gotta use your imagination. It reminds me o’ when I was young & had to pretend a green hacky sack was Kirby & Leonardo’s blue triceratops ( from some prehistoric TMNT toys ) was Bowser. That’s just what you have to do when your resources are limited.

But this level blows. It’s too many mediocre sections taped together. I can’t help noticing that the best levels I did were those that were concise; this is bloated. The graphical gimmick — having the 1st section be dark & the 2nd section light — isn’t used beyond looks, & looks tacky. I guess in fairness, you can skip some o’ it; I only wish you could skip the worst o’ it: that god awful layer-2 section right after the 1st room.

Like always, the main goal is to find a P-switch & bring it back to the 1st dark subroom to get past a brown-block wall in ’nother sublevel. Unlike the other levels, I don’t like this use: it only adds fluff to a level that’s already stuffed with it. There are actually 2 places where you can get the P-switch, & this version makes those places much better; in the original, the P-switch in the light room was in the hall that led to ’nother room that already had 1, whereas going the other hallway & through the room that it leads to would give the player no P-switch @ all, while leading them back to the start. Considering the midpoint in the light room, that takes them back farther than if they’d died.

& then we have the final boss. I couldn’t figure out how to get the “Custom Boss” sprite to not crash my game & didn’t want to reuse the Koopa Kids, so I made up li’l puzzles with regular enemies & called them “bosses”. 1 I truly liked later; but here we just have a joke. I still think it’s all right. It’s a 1-time thing, & a relief after what a pain in the ass the level itself is.

“The Angry Exterminator” is a reference to some silly rom hack. I made a few satirical references to other rom hacks — making satirical references to other works in the same medium is something I oft do; but the truly good 1 comes much later.

• P-Switch level count: 9 / 13
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 3
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

The Red Switch

Music: “The Axem Rangers Drop In”, Super Mario RPG

But the true boss isn’t the lab, but the switch itself.

I like this dynamic: a ( s’posedly ) all-round-hard castle-like level followed by a simpler, puzzle level. I also like the aesthetics. It’s just too bad the design o’ the levels themselves were mostly lame.

This 1’s unquestionably the worst. There’s no focus @ all. It starts with a bunch o’ mindless jumps, has some awkward but easy section to get a spring, with an awkward way to get out ( which makes it impossible to bring Yoshi back with you & keep the spring ), & then has some dumb “run, but duck under the spikes” strewn round a long, empty hall ( which made bringing Yoshi impossible, anyway ). Padding. It ends with a short flight section that would be better if a better version wasn’t done in the Yellow Switch.

• P-Switch level count: 9 / 14
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 3
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

& this week’s journey ends with the best glitch: when you return to the map, you’re stuck on the switch. I have no idea why this happens, but I couldn’t fix it, no matter what I tried. You just have to reset the game. Good thing this game autosaves almost everything — ’cept Yoshi, which means it didn’t matter whether we could bring Yoshi with us or not.

Next week we truly explore Shroom City Mainland, starting with… ugh… a truly tiring level.

( Note: went back & added music notes to each level analysis. )

It’s hard to divide Legend of the Four Switches into “worlds”, since, as I mentioned in the intro, they sometimes blend into each other. Mo’ importantly, the main path I’ll be going through will leave & return to worlds. However, I’ll try to divide the levels into bunches & describe them as I introduce them.

World A: Valley o’ Bowser’s

In a strike o’ irony, the 1st world is Bowser’s land. You start with 2 levels unlocked: “King Koopa Kastle” & “Sea of Sangre”.

King Koopa Kastle ( 1st visit )

Music: “Bowser’s Castle ( Second Time )”, Super Mario RPG

( Yes, this is some frankenstein o’ classic & modern ¡Let’s Play!™s wherein I embed uncommentated videos accompanied by text below. Technological advancements are slow in my village. )

However, the 1st level is blocked off from completion till you hit all 4 switches, leaving you with just a taunting info box & a pipe that shoots you out o’ the level.

Having the exit be due to a pipe shooting you offscreen was a way to fix an earlier glitch: having the castle itself make you exit the level by touching the screens makes the functionality carry into all the following sublevels. It turns out that a sublevel later in the level actually requires you to touch the edge o’ the screen, making the level impossible. However, I didn’t want to force the player to kill themselves to leave the level. Luckily, I thought o’ this solution. I’m actually glad, since I find the shooting out o’ the pipe — specially with its solemn ghost house music — quite amusing.

Sea of Sangre

Music: “Decisive Battle”, Final Fantasy VI

Despite how ridiculously edgy the use o’ blood for water is ( though, to be fair, it’s ne’er explicitly stated, save for the use o’ a Latin term in the title; it could just be metaphorical ), I do like the aesthetic o’ having the 1st level be dark, with the dramatic “Decisive Battle” music from Final Fantasy VI. Not so fond o’ the sound glitches that happen when you do things, though. Didn’t remember that.

The level itself, though, is… ehhh. Interestingly ’nough, it’s linear, though there is a nice pointless use o’ a P-switch right @ the end, just so you can reach the exit.

Most o’ the level is rudimentary, & much o’ it feels empty. There’s also a random pattern o’ blocks just thrown ’bout @ the end o’ the water section.

Ghosts ’n Goblins

Music: “Fortress”, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island ( ¿Same? )

In addition to nonlinear levels, I was big on just weird levels that make you think, ¿What’s the point o’ this? This level starts you in the middle o’ a long empty hall with the only door on the far left side. It’s dumb.

The next room is a li’l better: it’s a li’l puzzle wherein you have to grab a Koopa shell @ the end & bring it back to the middle to throw it @ a vertical column o’ blocks helpfully pointed out by an arrow o’ coins to make a vine grow upward, allowing you to climb up & grab the P-switch.

Granted, as a few o’ the SMW Central people pointed out, despite the holes in the floor, one could still spin jump off Boos to reach to the top early. But I don’t mind that so much, since that’s probably harder to do than the main way to complete the level. Unlike some SMW hackers, I was less obsessed with ensuring people played my levels the “right” way & was quite fine with alternate ways to beat levels, which was why I allow the player to take cape feathers into any level they want, which most SMW hack designers recommend gainst, since it allows one to fly o’er entire levels. To me, if ’twas fine for one to do so in the original SMW, ’twas fine to do it in my hack.

As an aside, I’m now going to keep a counter for levels with P-switches. So far we’re @ 2 out o’ 2. ( “King Koopa Kastle” doesn’t count, since we haven’t gone through it all yet. Also, spoiler alert: it has P-switches, too. )

Then take the P-Switch to the pipe @ the end o’ the level, which leads back to the empty hallway. Hitting the P-Switch creates a door @ the far right side o’ the room, which leads to the goal.

I’m not sure how to feel ’bout this last part. It’s not exactly spelled out; but I’m not sure if it’s particularly hard to figure out, either. It’s not as if the game punishes you deeply if you hit the P-Switch too early; you’ll just have to redo the level, essentially, without needing to kill yourself.

Still, this trial-&-error puzzle could easily get tedious. If I were to remake this level, I’d cut out that whole empty hallway, make you start in the grayscale room, & just put the goal where the P-Switch is. Cuts out the fat. Sure, it makes spin-jumping on boos skip the entire level; but it’s the 2nd level, for god’s sake. Diddy’s Kong Quest had warp barrels that let you skip whole levels in every level in the 1st 2 worlds. Plus, I like the dynamic o’ having the 1st level be a relatively long but simple level & the 2nd level be a short puzzle.

World B: Mushroom Island

After you beat “Ghosts ’n Goblins”, you unlock a pipe on the o’erworld. Go into that pipe, & you’ll be taken to the 1st level spot o’ “Mushroom Island”.

I want to emphasize that last part: there’s no pipe back to “Valley o’ Bowser”. It’s a 1-way trip. Don’t worry: unlike certain hacks ( [cough] Super Demo World [cough] ), it’s impossible to screw yourself out o’ 100% in this game. There’s an alternate entrance back into “Valley o’ Bowser” later.

I’m still proud o’ this design choice. I feel it makes the o’erworld feel mo’ mysterious.

Island of Ergot

Music: “Flower Garden”, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

While the true 1st level was a twist on 1st levels, being a dark & red level with ominous music, the 1st level o’ “Mushroom Island” is what a typical game would have as a 1st level: a green grassland. Granted, the sky’s still a nighly dark blue.

Though it’s not particularly brilliant, I like this level. It’s a simple romp with a few choice enemies, broken by 2 simple “puzzles”, if you could call them that. I like the use o’ the P-Switch as to build the coin bridge & the level ends @ a dead-end with power-ups & expects you to enter 1 o’ the many piranha-plant pipes just before the dead-end to find the goal. As I mentioned, these early levels were made when I still had some creativity & wasn’t just copying the same ideas.

O yeah, & an STD joke. ¿What? ¿Was this programmed in C++? ( Ho, ho, ho… O… ).

P-Switch level count: 3 / 3.

Fungi Forest

Music: “Forest Area”, Kirby’s Adventure

Here’s probably the best P-Switch puzzle I created. It’s a twist on the usual puzzle: collect the coins in front o’ the wall o’ brown blocks so that when you inevitably find the P-Switch, you can reach the brown blocks, which will then be coins. ’Cept, ’hind the brown blocks is just a pipe that leads back to the start o’ the level. Careful-eyed players will notice that the tip o’ the wall o’ coins is under a pipe that otherwise looks like it’s just a part o’ the o’erall pipe construction. You’re s’posed to hit the P-Switch so you can stand on the coins & enter that pipe.

You can’t bring the P-Switch with you from the top o’ the pipe construction, either, as you can only enter it from upward-only cloud blocks & can only leave by hitting the switch to make the brown blocks turn into coins, making it a bit o’ a race o’ sorts.

There’s not much to say ’bout the cave interlude. It’s just a boring raft ride forcing you to hop anytime a Blaarg pops out or a bat flies down @ you. I tried to make it a li’l mo’ interesting from the original version by giving the ceiling weird patterns. But it’s still not notable. Probably be better if this section were cut.

The last “puzzle” is OK. You need to grab a throw block & throw it @ the wall o’ turn blocks so you can go through it to reach the goal. To reach the turn blocks, you’ll have to defeat the Amazing Flying Hammer Bro & use his platform to reach it, which means you’ll probably have to go back afterward to get the throw block so you’ll have time to use it.

My only problem is the superfluous use o’ the P-Switch to get through the brown-block-wall ’tween the throw blocks & the turn blocks. I guess the “puzzle” was ’sposed to be that you’re ’sposed to pay attention & notice that there’s land under the throw blocks, which otherwise seem to be o’er a bottomless pit. But that’s a lame puzzle, & would’ve worked better somewhere else. I’d cut it.

Also, Yoshi & turn blocks are great:

If I have any problem with this level, o’erall, other than the 2nd P-Switch & the cave section, it’d be that it doesn’t fit the theme well. It’s s’posed to be a forest level, but most o’ it is pipe structures.

• P-Switch level count: 4 / 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

Basidio Bridge

Music: “The Tidal Coast / Sea Turtle Rock / Beneath the Waves”, Wario Land 3

I really liked the puzzle @ the beginning, where you have to kick a shell down in the small passageway @ the bottom to hit a block @ the end & create a vine. I also like the use o’ the P-Switch to create a race to the beginning to enter the pipe just @ the start, surrounded by brown blocks. I think it’s probably the inspiration from Wario Land 3 & 4, but I like levels where the goal is @ the beginning, which must be unlocked by getting something @ the end, & then take a different path back to the start. In fact, now that I think ’bout it, this puzzle is a lot like Wario Land 4: the P-Switch is like the also-blue frog switch, forcing you to race to the beginning before the switch runs out.

Speaking o’ Wario Land 3, this level’s music is from that game — though, strangely, not from the level that takes place on a bridge. It’s the only song I converted myself, & it shows.

• P-Switch level count: 5 / 5
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

Pepsi Lake

Music: “Underwater Tunnels”, Wario Land II

This level completely changed since the 2011 version o’ this hack. You can see an early version here. Also, in an e’en earlier version, the water was the boring ordinary blue ’stead o’ cola-brown-&-black.

The main change is that the level is vertical now, ’stead o’ horizontal, & it’s simplified. It’s just a short swim-through, dodging piranha plants & munchers. @ the time I remade this, I felt the original was too ordinary, & noted that vertical water levels were rare. I also like the alcove that the midway point is in. Just a li’l divergence.

E’en better: ¡there’s no P-Switch! This was after I realized how o’er-used they were & cut it out. The original, as the video shows, makes you go into some generic ice subroom found in some random pipe ’mong millions to get a P-Switch so you can pass through ’nother brown-block wall. None o’ this hasn’t been done before, & much better. I don’t miss it @ all.

You know, I just noticed ’pon reviewing the footage that the 2nd message box references “upcoming Torpedo Teds” that aren’t in the newer version o’ this level.

• P-Switch level count: 5 / 6
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

That’s it for now. We’ll continue on the mainland next update.

Since I’m writing ’bout some dumb game I’m making now, I might as well write ’bout an e’en dumber game I worked on way back in high school — & by “dumber game”, I mean a Super Mario World rom hack.

Also, I just realized that it’s been 10 years since I 1st started working on LOTFS, back in 2007. O, the time wasted.

Legend of the Four Switches was a hack so bad, it wasn’t e’en accepted @ Super Mario World Central after a’least 2 submissions.

It wasn’t the absolute worst. In fact, there are quite a few decisions I still stand by, such as the main gimmick: ’stead o’ being a straight path from world to world, ’twas simply a quest to find & hit all the 4 colored switches. Once you do that, you can go to Bowser’s Castle @ any time & complete it.

The 4 switches could be hit in any order, too. ( An improvement o’er an e’en earlier version: my original plan was to make the red switch always 1st & the green switch always last, with the player only getting the choice o’ order ’tween the yellow & blue switches. Thankfully, I realized how lame such a limit would’ve been & broke it ) . This lead the o’erworld to have the kind o’ looser division I praised the original Super Mario World for having.

That said, I could’ve done a better job o’ it: an idea I later had, though long after I stopped working on this hack, was having multiple paths that converged on a single switch.

I also tried to make this hack mo’ like an actual game in terms o’ difficulty, which makes it much easier than the average hack. I remember I aimed for Diddy’s Kong Quest level difficulty, which is my favorite linear ( i.e. non-Wario-Land ) platformer & insisted on being able to beat it without save states. Nowadays this is mo’ common, which sapped some o’ the use o’ this hack; but remember, I started making this hack in 2007, when e’en the most prominent hacks like The Second Reality Project 2 were full o’ kaizo-like elements.

Legend of the Four Switches is full o’ problems that it’s hard to sum them up — though this page gives a nice litany o’ sloppy problems. Though some o’ those problems — such as the unbeatable attic area — have been solved since then, many others — like the fade-out glitch or the glitch that makes your characters freeze after beating a switch palace — I couldn’t figure out how to fix.

But Axemjinx summarizes the true core problem with this hack, which would make it lame e’en if these glitches were fixed:

I played around 15 levels, and speaking for myself, it just seems like a slightly above-average joke hack that over-relies on item ferrying and needlessly labyrinthine levels. That’s not nonlinearity- it’s just tedium. There’s no emphasis on obstacles at all, there are plenty of empty areas with nothing going on, and it seems like the wisecracks are more important than the level design.

The “over-relies on item ferrying” is far too modest. ’Pon looking back @ these levels years ago I was shocked to find almost every level involved finding a blue & gray P-switch to continue, usually getting 1 to get ’nother to finally continue. Levels oft had pointless filler areas simply for the sake o’ avoiding linearity. I was obsessed with avoiding linear levels, with the assumption that linear levels were somehow less “creative”. But using blue & gray switches o’er & o’er apparently was.

I still stand by some o’ my nonlinear levels — mainly the earlier ones, when I still had some creativity. But if I were to redo this hack — which I’m 100% not doing — I’d ease up & do some mo’ linear levels, as well as some shorter levels. I also fell into the trap o’ thinking that long levels were also mo’ sophisticated, not unlike those people who think that large epics are mo’ sophisticated literature than short writing, which is ironically usually the opposite.

I’ll try to go o’er all 60 levels & talk ’bout what I still stand by, what I think was disastrous, & other fun background notes.

Addendum

There are 2 major versions o’ this hack: a 2011 & 2012 version. The one I’ve seen in most YouTube videos is the inferior 2011 version, whereas I’ll be showing off the latest 2012 version & will point out major differences when they happen.

I figure I might as well talk ’bout this, too, e’en though I only truly played the 1st 1 when I was young.

The Donkey Kong Country remakes get particular flak, not all undeserved; however, they’re much better than the Super Mario Advance remakes. In particular, I remember how excited young me was when I realized Donkey Kong Country Advance had a photo album like Super Mario Bros. Deluxe, after being disappointed by their absence in Super Mario Advance.

The Donkey Kong Country remakes also have mo’ creative minigames than the same Mario Bros. remake included in every Super Mario Advance game — as well as Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga, bizarrely ’nough.

Also, as I mentioned in the Super Mario Advance article, I felt like the Donkey Kong Country Advance games had better controls & physics. For the most part, they seem to be the same, whereas Super Mario Advance’s felt wiggly. I remember how bewildered I was that I kept dying in “Valley of Bowser 4” in Super Mario Advance 2 till I tried it in the SNES Super Mario World & beat it easily. I’m not sure if ’twas the controls or the bigger camera, but something ’bout the SNES version was much easier. Meanwhile, I can easily beat Donkey Kong Country Advance on Hero Mode — a hard mode that makes one play as only Diddy with just 1 hit & no checkpoints, unlocked after 101% the main game.

Indeed, the Donkey Kong Country Advance games have so many fun additions that their downsides always irk me — a common problem with remakes. How I wish someone could combine the best elements o’ these games into 1 perfect version. I e’en remember I once tried to hack the original Donkey Kong Country to make it act as “Hero Mode”, only to find out how precarious editing levels in that game is. I used to have a video o’ 1 o’ the outcomes o’ the seemingly innocent deletion o’ a midway barrel in “Stop & Go Station” that I hope I still have.

As expected, the aesthetics were the prime victim o’ these remakes. The music is softer & tinnier, which is particularly problematic for Donkey Kong Country’s darker, mo’ atmospheric music. I’ve heard some people online say the Game Boy renditions were better; & I can’t say I entirely disagree.

The 3rd Donkey Kong Country game e’en had a new soundtrack made by the main composer for the 1st 2 games, David Wise, which has a mixed competition with the original. Some are better, most are less good. I actually prefer the GBA “Jungle Jitters”, “Water World”, & bonus music. & the 2 boss themes are better than the boss themes in the SNES version . The GBA version o’ “Stilt Village”, “Mill Fever”, “Nuts & Bolts”, “Pokey Pipes”, & “Rockface Rumble” are good in their own right, albeit not better. But the GBA versions o’ “Treetop Tumble” & “Frosty Frolic”… Ugh. ’Specially “Treetop Tumble”: the SNES version is my favorite forest theme o’ all time. It’s just jarring to play a level like “Ripsaw Rage” with that silly GBA version. Seriously: compare them — there’s no contest.

In general, the GBA versions are poppier & mo’ upbeat. Like with the graphics, this works when the levels are bright, colorful places like the underwater stages or the “stilt” stages, but falls apart in the darker levels, like the forest levels.

That said, one could praise the GBA versions for a’least being something new. Think o’ the alternative: if they’d just reused the SNES versions in the GBA’s inferior sound capabilities, we’d still be bitching ’bout how shitty it sounds, much like with the 1st 2 remakes. It’s like criticizing an NES game for not having music as good as the SNES DKC games; it’s technologically impossible. There was literally nothing they could do. The fact that I can say the 3rd remake has some songs that are better than the SNES’s puts it @ the top, since I couldn’t say that for a second for any song from the other 2 remakes.

Unsurprising, the graphics are e’en mo’ butchered, e’en mo’ washed out, & simplified. We have the same supernova curse from which the Super Mario Advance games suffered, which, ’gain, is e’en mo’ worse for these games with their darker tone. They also seem to have simplified graphics, probably to better fit them on the smaller screen, since Donkey Kong Country’s graphics were rather big e’en for a TV screen.

We also have added sound effects, though they’re not as bad as Super Mario Advance’s. ( To be fair, the original Donkey Kong Country games had some voices, too, so it’s much less jarring. ) To be honest, I’m kind o’ amused by Donkey Kong’s “wuuuuugh..”. when he falls in a hole, though it ruins the amusing solemnity that the original game had by simply making a balloon pop. I don’t know what they were thinking when they decided to make Rambi hopping make a high-pitched “¡BOING!” sound, though.

Also, for some reason, somebody decided that the game became better if it stopped you to have Cranky gab on for minutes after every boss & that the game needed long cutscenes to ’splain the game’s plot, since it’s like Ulysses in its complexity. I prefer the simplicity o’ the original games wherein you could just go into DK’s banana hoard & see for yourself that it’s been stolen or get a quick note in a room on K. Rool’s ship that he took DK. But it wouldn’t be a modern game without wasting people’s time.

In general, the tone & atmosphere o’ these games is utterly butchered. As I mentioned in an earlier article ’bout the Donkey Kong Country trilogy, the 1st game had a comic seriousness to it. The Game Boy Advance version with its washed out, brightened colors; tinny music, & high pitched noises ruins that completely.

On the other hand, the remakes have a tone & feel all their own, & are sometimes better, gameplay-wise. ’Specially the 3rd game, which looks much less washed-out ( strangely, the Zingers look darker than the SNES version ) . While some levels are still too bright, such as “Murky Mill”, which is s’posedly so dark that shitty elephant Ellie can’t see the rats not under the lamps. But the levels that are s’posed to look bright, like “Tidal Trouble”, still look gorgeous.

They also have extra collectible requirements for perfect completion. The 1st GBA game now requires you to get all the KONG letters in every level, which none o’ the SNES versions did, & some have extra collectibles, such as Donkey Kong Country 2’s Espresso feathers. While I feel the KONG letter change was probably for the better, since it actually made them relevant in a series in which getting tons o’ lives was e’en easy in the original & in which getting only a life for collecting 4 items oft out o’ the way was usually not worth the trouble ( ’specially when there are oft lives just floating round as single items ); however, the Espresso feathers felt unnecessary: Donkey Kong Country 2 already had a single item per level, the hero coin. & as mentioned, the 1st GBA Donkey Kong Country game has a scrapbook, as does DKC2. Sadly, DKC3 doesn’t.

What it does have is much better: in addition to the new music I mentioned, it has a new world, “Pacifica”, with some rather creative & nice-looking levels. Included are a stormy “stilt” level that most o’ the way gives you the choice o’ a dry upper path & a watery lower path, an underwater forest level where you swim ’tween tree holes, a barrel-cannon canyon level reminiscent o’ “Bramble Blast” from Diddy’s Kong Quest, & a windy underwater level.

Ironically, if these levels have any flaw, it’s 1 that’s opposite o’ the flaw that the other Dixie’s Double Trouble level usually fell into: while the original levels fell into the trap o’ tying themselves too tightly to level gimmicks, leading levels to sometimes feel repetitive, these levels feel like they have too many elements thrown in, making them seem to lack focus. Still, ’cept for the last 1, “Surf’s Up”, they’re probably some o’ the best Dixie’s Double Trouble levels.

While I feel like the 1st 2 remakes play ’bout the same as the originals, DKC3 Advance feels mo’ mixed. I actually found the normal controls & Squawks felt tighter than in the SNES version; but Ellie controls like absolute shit, & tracker barrels in “Tracker Barrel Trek” shoot you all o’er the place. Both feel way too wiggly. Ellie also has ridiculous hit detection. In the 1st bonus o’ “Tracker Barrel Trek” I was laughing ’bout how I could shoot straight up through the bottom o’ a beetle & not lose, but falling off a cliff onto 1 did cause me to somehow get hurt. & don’t get me started on “Squirt’s Showdown”. I have no idea how you’re s’posed to survive the final pattern other than to exploit the bugginess o’ its water’s effect on Ellie & hope for the best. ( In the original, if you got sprayed by water, you were likely dead, as it’d just push you straight out; in this version, you can somehow glitch through it & survive being sprayed by it for quite a while sometimes. )

There are other li’l additions I could mention, but none o’ them truly impact these games much. The 1st remake makes Queen B., Really Gnawty, & Dumb Drum mo’ interesting — ’specially Queen B., who was actually quite fun. The 2nd remake adds a boss, Kerozene, who’s all right, but kind o’ slow. Also, the 2nd remake has this dumb thing where it makes you pay ’bout 10 banana coins to refight a boss, just to try beating an ol’ record & earning a few measly lives.

As for the extra minigames I mentioned, they have mixed quality. The 1st game had OK, albeit unoriginal games: there’s 1 where you have to catch ’nough o’ a certain type o’ fish before time runs out & there’s a rudimentary rhythm game with Candy. They can get a bit repetitive, — ’specially the Candy 1 — & you have to beat all o’ them to 101% the game, but they’re tolerable ’nough.

However, the minigames for the 2nd & 3rd remake blew:

Diddy’s Kong Quest had some Espresso race with characters so big they almost took up the whole screen & crowded it out, causing you to bump into every other character & be slowed to a crawl while they speed onward. The hit detection was also terrible: you have no idea how many times it looked like I stepped o’er speed arrows only for them not to register. Also, spending minutes slowly taking up time to show each contestant’s stats @ the start was not needed.

Its 2nd minigame was one where you fly round in a gyrocopter avoiding obstacles & walls & completing some banal tasks, which varied by level. The graphics also look like somebody puked all o’er them, complemented with Mighty No. 9 style pizza explosions.

Meanwhile, DKC3 has some Game-&-Watch-like dojo game with Cranky wherein you have to block bouncing Spinies by holding in various directions as they near Cranky & some cheap knock-off o’ the bonus stage from Sonic 2, but with uglier, blurry pseudo-3D graphics that the Game Boy Advance was just great @. Thankfully, they only expect you to beat these games once to get the pointless Banana Bird, & then you ne’er have to touch them ’gain.

What’s worse ’bout the minigames in the 3rd remake is that they replace the much better 1 in the original: Cranky’s ball-throwing game. It may not’ve given you anything but extra lives & bananas, but it a’least trained you for Bleak. Plus, him sputtering taunts while crakily throwing colored balls in a carnaval fit him better than being black belt @ a god damn dojo. ¿What the hell were they thinking when they came up with that?

While the 1st game’s minigames felt simple & approachable, the 2nd 2 games’ felt clunky & awkward. The reason I couldn’t say much ’bout them, honestly, was ’cause I couldn’t be bothered to play them that much.

I may actually prefer the 1st remake to its original SNES version, despite the inferior aesthetics; but the 2 other remakes are definitely worse. The 3rd remake is a bit mo’ competitive thanks to “Pacifica”, but is hurt by its general bugginess & generally worse aesthetics.

My experience with Crash Bandicoot is opposite to Spyro’s in 1 strange way: while I hardly played the GBA Spyro games, — ’cause just look @ them — I hardly e’er played the PlayStation Crash Bandicoot games, ’cept for faint memories o’ playing Crash Bash when I was li’l & rather recently trying the 3rd. Unsurprisingly, my short experience told me that the PlayStation games were probably superior to the GBA games ( as well as probably any other Crash games ), much as I’m certain the PlayStation Spyro games are superior to… well, any other Spyro games.

But this is a GBA tribute, not a PlayStation tribute, & it’s the month for the ugly cousins to shine, so let’s look @ the GBA games. I actually almost forgot ’bout this & ne’er would’ve come close to writing ’bout it if not for my bizarre decision to talk ’bout the… less grandiose games for the GBA.

The Huge Adventure ( XS in Europe ) & N-Tranced

Truthfully, these games aren’t too bad. They stay as true to Crash as the Game Boy Mario games stayed true to Mario: they play somewhat like Crash, just a li’l worse & much less advanced in aesthetics or gameplay. They’re OK Crash games, much like the Super Mario Land¹ games were just OK Mario games — nobody in their right mind would e’er say they’re better than Super Mario Bros. 3 or Super Mario World.

My lack o’ experience with Crash Bandicoot isn’t any deterrence from it, but simply a lack o’ thinking ’bout it. It’s too bad, since after trying it out, I’ve become quite fond o’ how simple, & yet how clever & fun, the crate system is: to 100% a level, you need to destroy all the crates. This requires some strategy, as some crates require other crates to reach them; destroy the necessary crate without reaching the other crate & you’re hosed. There’s also different types o’ crates: crates that take multiple bounces to break, crates that must be spun into to destroy.

There are also dangerous TNT & Nitro crates. TNT crates hurt you if they explode near you, & explode in your face if you try breaking them with a spin attack or belly flop. You have to jump on them to start a downward timer to blow them up, as well as any surrounding crates. However, crates with power-ups & extra lives that are blown up with TNT don’t give their presents if you blow them up this way, adding a risk-&-reward treatment to TNT. Lastly, Nitro blocks hurt you if you touch them @ all & require hitting a green metal box with an ! — usually located @ the end o’ the level — to destroy them all.

The 1 annoying thing is that the 1st game oft requires you to have an ability you learn later to 100% a level, forcing you to go back & complete it as a form o’ cheap elongation. That this game has the Yoshi’s Island style o’ making you get everything in 1 go, rather than the Donkey Kong Country style o’ letting you get collectibles in as many or few trips as possible without having to beat the level on each grab, makes it e’en mo’ annoying.

I’m also not so fond o’ some o’ the gimmick levels, ’specially in N-Tranced. While the shoot-out with the blimps in the 1st game are rather cool, most o’ the gimmick levels in N-Tranced are pointless & slow @ best. @ worst, they’re an abomination: the autoscrolling races where you’re running from a polar bear / shark on a smaller bear / jet skis are borderline trial-&-error, since you hardly have time to see anything before it hits you. ¿What idiot thought making you head toward the screen was a good idea?

N-Tranced also has some Super Monkey Ball levels where you have to roll round an isometric area in a gerbil ball, running o’er crates, dodging other crates, & trying not to fall off the platforms till you make it to the end. These aren’t too bad, ’cept that the controls & physics are so wonky that you’re pretty much forced to go slowly & that some o’ the barrels on the 2nd 1 are hard to see thanks to the perspective. But the worst part is simply that the levels go on for way to long & get repetitive. N-Tranced also has some dumb level where you’re Coco racing from the sun. It’s basically a lazier version o’ the blimp shooter levels from The Huge Adventure, but stupidly easy.

Also, Coco’s icon is amazing:

Despite this, I’d say N-Tranced is definitely better than The Huge Adventure. It’s less plagued by The Huge Adventure’s problem o’ not letting you 100% a level till later & generally feels mo’ refined. Its level themes are also much mo’ interesting: I’d much rather hop round Arabian carpets & space stations than the same jungle, water, & pyramid levels that The Huge Adventure is filled with.

That said, both have finicky controls & physics & have questionable level design. Sometimes they expect you to fall into seemingly bottomless holes to find crates, & the double jump takes a while to get used to, as it has a much shorter period after your 1st jump for how long you’re able to make a 2nd jump than any other game I’ve played.

Part o’ the problem is the graphics, which aren’t good. They’re pixelated CGI, but without the quality or heart o’ e’en the GBA Donkey Kong Country games, which is proof that Rare employed mo’ artistry in those games’ graphics than people give them credit. While the Donkey Kong Country games had gorgeously colorful backgrounds rich in detail, Crash’s graphics are just dirty & tacky. It’s hard to ’splain, but they just look… off. & not in an interesting way. They’re just so ugly — just look @ them. Worse, ’cause they’re pseudo-3-D, it can be hard to determine collision, making it easy to miss crates & fall into a hole.

The cutscenes also look terrible, but that’s mo’ comical than frustrating.

The bosses blow. They fall into “Rareware Boss Syndrome” worse than Rare themselves. Literally every boss I’ve fought so far is, “Dodge boss’s attacks, wait for boss to hurt themselves in the stupidest way possible or just turn off their barrier for no reason, hit them”. The 1 exception I found was gainst Fake Crash in N-Tranced, which is a broken mess. Trying to pass Fake Crash without getting hurt is finicky, & bullshit. ¿Why do I get hurt by him but he doesn’t get hurt by me? — we’re fucking clones for fuck’s sake. Also, shit falls from the ceiling @ random & is pretty much impossible to dodge in the split second you have to realize it’s happening ’bove you, while trying to pay attention to both you & your clone, without running into some other hazard. It’s like a bunch o’ obnoxious children poking me with dozens o’ fingers, & it’s annoying. Augh, fuck off.

Thinking on it, I’m surprised by how much nostalgia has waned for this game. Though I don’t remember if I e’en played N-Tranced, I do remember having nostalgia for The Huge Adventure. I remember young me beating the game ( probably with save states ) & using the run move you get after beating the game to try beating the time scores on each level. Now it just feels kind o’ ho-hum. They’re all right games in limited doses. After a while they get tiring, though.

Crash Bandicoot Purple: Ripto’s Rampage

I have e’en less experience for Crash & Spyro’s bizarre crosso’er pair, Crash Bandicoot Purple: Ripto’s Rampage & Spyro Orange: The Cortex Conspiracy. I only remember that ’twas a bunch o’ minigames.

Though the time when I did play it before, I mainly played the Spyro 1, since I always preferred Spyro, since this article’s focusing on Crash, I tried that 1 this time.

& I must say, it’s better than I remember the Spyro version being. Some o’ the minigames are e’en quite fun. Surprisingly, the funnest is a 2-D version o’ those awful levels from the other GBA games where you’re stuck going constantly forward on a polar bear; ’cept here you can actually see what’s ’head o’ you, so it’s not just luck-based bullshit.

Some are mo’ middling, but harmless. There’s a game where you have to blow sheep to ashes with a rocket launcher to keep them from touching some nitro crates… I guess. It’s amusing @ 1st, but it can go on for a bit & so far I had to play it 2 times in 3 worlds. The tank minigames have clunky controls — for some reason you can’t steer & move forward @ the same time — & you move way too slowly. There was 1 minigame that’s basically an earlier version o’ the rocket barrel levels from Donkey Kong Country Returns, but much easier & much mo’ padded out — & thus less fun. Most o’ these minigames go on too long & could be quite fun if they were just shortened.

Then there’s the bullshit minigames. I didn’t find too many; but the game forces you to beat every minigame to pass each world, so you still have to deal with them. The 1st world had a clunky game where you have to shoot a bunch o’ minitanks falling from the sky from touching some crystal ball @ the bottom. You also have to avoid being shot, which is basically luck, since the tanks that shoot you are right in front o’ your face, making it impossible to see a bullet ’fore it hits you. You can move to the bottom & lift the crystal ball thing, but if it comes to that, you’re pretty much screwed, anyway. The tanks fall so quickly that you’d ne’er have time to drop the ball ’gain & resume shooting; & ’ventually a tank’s going to shoot you with no way to defend yourself while holding the ball.

In general, this minigame tried to do too many things & didn’t think them out all the way. Would’ve been better had they just kept it to shooting the tanks to prevent them from reaching the crystal ball. Also would’ve been better without the cheap shots.

The other awful minigame is 1 they did in all 3 worlds: you have to move some inflatable raft through water while avoiding whirlpools, spike bombs, & other dangers. The whirlpools suck you toward them & kill you instantly if you hit their heart.

While the 1st game was OK, — but, ’gain, went on too long — the others are obnoxious. The 2nd had these torpedoes out o’ nowhere that are underwater, & thus seem like they’re harmless @ 1st. Trying to dodge them in the narrow corridor in which they appear is, as far as I know, impossible: you move with tank controls, so you can’t move horizontally without turning & then moving straight, & then turning back forward ’gain, ’cause you’re too big while sideways to avoid getting hit by any torpedoes on any side. The only way I knew how to pass without getting hit was to just wait till they randomly stopped spawning. What crap.

The game has collectible cards, which you can find hid in places or can be bought by that smarmy bastard bear, Moneybags. They’re cool, I guess.

The story is hilariously awful. The pre-rendered slideshow cutscene graphics are e’en worse. I’ll just show the greatest hits:

In fact, the graphics in general are as crappy as the other GBA Crash games — which makes sense, since it’s obvious they outright reused resources from those games.

Like the other GBA Crash games, I’d say Crash Purple is all right. In fact, I’d say ’twas mo’ fun than them.

That said, let’s be honest: we’d probably all be better off playing the original PlayStation games.

Music

The only song worth listening to is the main theme from The Huge Adventure, which is super good, since it’s just based on a popular song from Warped. The rest is forgettable.

That’s right, bitches & kitchens: I’ve officially dedicated April to the… um… less pristine classics o’ the Game Boy Advance as a tail-end to my GBA tribute that’s lasted o’er a year¹. ¿Why April? ’Cause like my main gangster T. S. Eliot told me on the streets o’ Peach Creek, “April, man — that shit’s the cruelest, yo”.

& we’re starting with a grand 1. ¿Remember how I praised Ed, Edd ’n Eddy: Jawbreakers! for doing a good job o’ emulating its cartoon’s graphics? Well, Search for Pooky doesn’t. It looks like shit, sounds like shit, plays like shit. It’s shit with no additives, no filler. It’s pure shit, like your great grandpa ate during the war. You don’t fuck with this shit.

& unlike Jawbreakers! the plot makes no sense. Some rats kidnap Garfield’s teddy bear. ¿Why? ’Cause they’re assholes, I guess. In the comic, Garfield & the rats had an indifferent opinion o’ each other. In fact, their lack o’ animosity toward each other was kind o’ the whole joke: a cat so lazy, he can’t e’en be bothered to hate rats.

That’s OK, ’cause the game’s plot doesn’t focus much on that, anyway, but meanders all o’er the place. Garfield wanders the neighborhood, & then some random warehouse, only for Jon to force Garfield to go with him to his farm.

The 1 good thing you could say ’bout this game is that it’s so bad, it’s laughable. It’s so bad, you know they had to not care.

Look @ this fire animation:

1st, ¿why is the grass on fire outside? ¿’Cause somebody somehow dumped an entire bucket o’ castor oil o’er the grass? That has an interesting story ’hind it, I’m sure. ¿Is nobody alarmed by that? Just a regular day in Jon’s neighborhood, I guess.

But, seriously, that shit looks like an animated GIF from some totally-rad late-90s website. ¿Why does the oily grass suddenly break off into black void ’hind the fire? ’Cause they couldn’t be bothered to copy the fire graphic & paste it onto a copy o’ the sidewalk graphic, that’s why. Only apathy could ’splain how the developers could look @ this & say, “Yes, this is sufficient”.

This game’s so repetitive & boring, I couldn’t tell if I were playing levels multiple times — ’specially in the warehouse world. It’s so tedious, I didn’t e’en bother playing this game for this article, but simply took the screenshots I took for an article I made years ago & am basing this off my memory o’ that dark time. It’s so boring, I’d intentionally fall into holes & die just to save time traversing through levels. This is ’specially the case in the farm levels, where they added the brilliant gimmick o’ making you collect chickens & bring them back to a cage — which basically just means you have to traverse the level multiple times.

The camera’s so bad, just ’bout every jump is a blind jump. Jumping off the ground causes the camera to move so high that you can’t see the ground till you land — presumably into a hole you couldn’t see before.

But the best part is some minigame on the trip to the farm — a piece o’ absurdist art that’d give The Square Root o’ Garfield Minus Garfield & Lasagna Cat a run. Apparently, Garfield’ll starve to death if he goes a single car trip without constantly stuffing his face — e’en though he went through the levels themselves fine without eating. The only way he can eat is by snatching food from covered plates being carried round the highway by a bunch o’ Liz the Veterinary clones. That’s odd by itself, but it gets better: you have to watch out, ’cause sometimes these plates turn out to have bombs in them, which hurt Garfield if he stupidly tries to eat them. None o’ the drivers are perturbed that there are a bunch o’ clones walking ’long the highway with bombs — presumably to commit some acts o’ terrorism.

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Other greatest hits

I wanted to end my GBA Tribute with Mario vs. Donkey Kong on March 21, exactly 1 year after I started it. But then I remembered I absentmindedly forgot this pillar o’ gaming & knew I had to continue.

Also, I ne’er did Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga. But that’s later. We have, ahem, a masterpiece to discuss.

Jawbreakers! actually has a nifty game mechanic: it essentially copies The Lost Vikings, allowing you to switch ’tween “the Eds”, as the gamesters down in Peach Creek call them. Each character has different abilities: Eddy Gizzard can double jump & is generally the most agile, making him the most fun to play. He can also collect a jetpack & fly round in later stages. Double-Dogg-Dare-You can collect wrenches & slingshots & use them to fuck up deadly chihuahuas, chickens, & fire hydrants, but is a pussy & won’t walk o’er cement. Finally, Gravy Train can carry the others o’er dangerous terrain with a wheelbarrow & can collect a helmet to bash things with his head. However, he’s the least agile lump o’ fuck. Also, if he gets too close to a chicken, he starts chasing it, making you lose all control o’ him & forcing you to make Double-Draw-Bridge murder the sneak with his slingshot.

The game also takes a page from everyone’s favorite DK game, Donkey Kong 64, & gives them all their own… uh… ¿quarters? ¿Colored pogs? ¿Who cares? Collect 100 & you get an extra life.

The goal, as one can imagine, is to get all o’ the Eds to the end o’ the level. Unlike The Lost Vikings, if a character dies, you’re not stuck in an unwinnable situation & forced to just restart, but just makes you lose a life & sends that Ed back to the last checkpoint. On the other scale, I’m pretty sure The Lost Vikings didn’t have lives @ all & just let you retry levels an infinite ’mount o’ times, which, ’specially for an SNES game, was mo’ forward thinking than this GBA game made in the 2000s.

That said, this game does have autosave, which is nice.

You wouldn’t expect it, but the time can be rather frustrating, as these levels go on fore’er, every character but Eddy Blizzard is slow as sludge, & physics can be finicky.

This game’s biggest problem, I think, is that it’s not sure if it wants to be a fast-paced action platformer or a slow, exploratory puzzle platformer. The levels can be quite linear, despite their large size, & expect you to make many tiny, tight jumps ’cross moving platforms, & give you a time limit; but the characters move sluggishly, & 2 o’ the characters have immensely weak jumps. Having to traverse the whole level essentially 3 times can drag on. While I’d defend this in Donkey Kong 64, in this game the levels are a bit too linear & too similar ’tween characters, & the characters just move so slowly. Yes, sometimes characters have to take different routes ’cause o’ their different abilities; but mostly, the game just makes you wait for different characters to get to where your current character is so you can break whatever obstacle’s in the way with whatever ability key the other character has.

The interaction ’tween the camera & the level design is a bit wonky, too, leading to cheap deaths. It’s not uncommon to end up in a place where you’re forced to make a blind jump, with the high risk that you’ll fall on a rabid chihuahua & die.

The controls can be a bit wonky, too — ’specially with Double-Dutch-Fudge-Packer having B be both the run button & the stop-&-shoot button.

Speaking o’ shooting, the game’s not terribly out-front ’bout how the aiming works, so it’s quite easy to miss targets. The problem is, in many cases in levels you have to kill certain enemies for certain characters to pass, & there’s only a limited ’mount o’ ammo in a level, making it quite easy to end up in unwinnable situations.

The levels are cool, though. They’re based on settings from the show; & I don’t know if you e’er watched the show, but the art style o’ that show was great. It had an abstract style that was bizarre, but rather subtle in its bizarreness, & used subtly off colors, such as having purple tree trunks & yellow skies. Thankfully, this game keeps that art style, e’en if its in low-res GBA pixel-vision. Hell, they e’en kept the weird wiggly outlines on the characters from the show, which is impressive. Honestly, ’hind only the SNES & Genesis Capcom Disney games, this may be 1 o’ the best-looking 2-D pixellated game that tries to emulate cartoon graphics.

The level themes are also creative & refreshing: you go from hopping ’long window sills & trash cans in suburban neighborhoods to hopping ’long tire swings in a playground to climbing spider-web ladders in some dark woods to roaming wooden skeletons o’ houses in a construction site to climbing broken cars & ladders made o’ radiators in a junkyard to walking ’long clothes lines in a trailer park. 1 thing ’bout this game: you can’t say they weren’t creative.

The bosses are also rather creative, though not particularly complex. The levels are much harder. After the playground, Rolfe challenges Double-Duplex-Plex to a slingshot duel; after the woods, you have to complete some mirror-movement puzzle to make Nazz & Butter Toast Ghost come together so he can give her her communistic black book; after the construction site, Sarah pounds the ground like Donkey Kong, causing wrenches to inexplicably fall from the sky, forcing you to hastily switch ’tween the Eds to move them out o’ the way o&rsquo such deathly dirtiness; after the junkyard, Kevin… revs his bike in a corner, causing dirt to fling all o’er, forcing you to move Eddy Splinters out o’ the way; & after the trailer park, you have to solve some quick puzzle platform level to knock out the lead Kanker with that ubiquitous red wheel barrow glazed with rain water, rescue Double-Trouble-Barney-Rubble, & get the dodge out o’ hell.

What I like most ’bout these boss battles is that the challenge comes purely from slight mistakes you might make. I don’t think I e’er lost to 1 & didn’t know the reason, & didn’t know a way I could avoid it on ’nother try. Mo’ importantly, they’re quick-paced & don’t make you wait through long invincibility periods ’tween hits, like the average Rareware boss.

I think there’s something wrong in the world when I have to compare Ed, Edd ’n Eddy: Jawbreakers! favorably to Donkey Kong Country.

Granted, some o’ the later bosses don’t make much sense. Why the Eds stand round for a while dodging screwdrivers ’stead o’ just leaving for the Sarah boss is ne’er ’splained, nor why Kevin decides to give you a ticket ’cause he fails to get Eddy Tincture dirty.

E’en stranger, the final boss is probably the easiest in the game. You expect it to be some big showdown; but you just have to dodge some flying kisses to grab an item, & then ram 1 o’ the Kankers with a wheel barrow. After that, you’re pretty much guaranteed success.

I have mixed views ’bout the sounds o’ this game. The game uses voice clips from the show, kind o’ like Simpsons games oft do, which is nice. The music, however: though it fits the show’s themes, they can become repetitive & headache-inducing, amplified by the length o’ this game’s levels. You have no idea what a breath o’ fresh air ’twas to finally beat the playground world & not have to listen to that bloody twang music.

As for the writing o’ the cutscenes ’tween worlds & bosses, it’s quite bad. It’s like a bad knock off o’ actual scripts from the show. Part o’ the problem is that the text boxes make it feel sluggish, which is awkward compared to the rather fast pace o’ the actual show’s dialogue & action. O well: it’s not too bad, & a’least the main plot fits the subject matter.

Also, the characters’ dialogue portraits don’t change to reflect what’s being said, leading to absurd situations where someone’s grinning stupidly while their dialogue is obviously unhappy.

1 cool thing ’bout this game is that it has a level-select code hidden in it, which not only lets you skip to any level, but also to any cutscene & boss battle — which I definitely didn’t use to get most o’ these screenshots after I became too tired from the slog that is the playground world to finish the woods world. I should point out that I do faintly remember beating this game a long time ago when I was young, but can’t remember much ’bout the actual experience.

Mario vs. Donkey Kong is ’nother game I neglected to write ’bout.

It’s based on the Game Boy Donkey Kong, — or “Donkey Kong ’94”, as we say in Rogueport — which was amazing & underrated: it’s a puzzle platformer wherein each level is split into 2 parts: in the 1st, you need to grab a key & bring it to the locked door, as in “Donkey Kong ’94”. In the next, you need to grab the toy Mario. ’Long the way there are a red, blue, & yellow present; collecting them all gives one a bonus that allows one to get extra lives & bonus points. Beating the level score nets one a star, which can unlock new levels.

Its story is Nobel-Prize worthy, told through the advanced art o’ slideshows o’ prerendered CGI screenshots in pixelated glory. DK, while sitting @ home watching TV, sees a commercial for Mario toys & decides to bust into Mario’s factory, fill burlap sacks with them, & flee, only for Mario to chase right ’hind. That this plot is essentially the reversal o’ Donkey Kong Country’s plot is a clever quirk on DK’s character that the developers probably hadn’t considered. Why Mario owns his own factory is ne’er ’splained, any mo’ than Mario’s occupation as a referee or a cake-factory worker.

I love puzzle platformers, & this game is full o’ clever puzzles with fun mechanics, such as the red, blue, & yellow switch blocks, which permeates levels throughout all the worlds, & yet ne’er feels tired, e’en by the end. I also like how the theme o’ red, blue, & yellow seeps throughout so much o’ the game.

The level themes are rather clever: the 1st world isn’t a bland grassland, which isn’t in this game @ all, but a toy factory; the final world, meanwhile, isn’t some fiery world, but a cool, night-time city. E’en the volcano theme is made mo’ interesting by putting it midway through the game, rather than the end, while the forest world is the penultimate, both somewhat like Donkey Kong Country 2.

The graphics fill me with nostalgia, e’en if they’re hilariously tacky in their attempt to emulate 3D graphics on a 2D system, ’specially with the clunky voice clips they just loved to use on the Game Boy Advance. In general, Mario vs. Donkey Kong’s aesthetics scream early-2000s Game Boy Advance, which makes it fitting for the final game I’m examining in my GBA tribute.

The game’s also full o’ levels — ’gain, without feeling like it has padding. In addition to the 6 worlds o’ 6 levels, plus a Mini Mario stage & boss, there are 6 extra worlds & 12 “expert” levels that can be unlocked by earning stars in each level through beating the high score & getting all the presents.

A minor problem with this game is that the controls & physics are somewhat clumsy, unpredictable, & choppy. Mario sometimes can’t decide whether he wants to stop on a dime ’pon letting go o’ a direction button or continuing to slip off the platform into a garden o’ spikes. Sometimes he decides not to jump when I press A. Sometimes he can’t manage to jump o’er a single block. He’s also finicky ’bout picking up keys or moving on conveyor belts, & in 1 level, ’twas inconsistent on whether he could throw a key up through conveyor platforms, so much that I @ 1st thought you couldn’t till I tried half a dozen times. Also, Mario can only seem to throw keys upward if he’s not moving horizontally @ all, regardless o’ whether you’re holding up — & that’s the most consistent, & thus least terrible part. In ’nother level, Mario would always grab a vine or monkey tail just by jumping into it, ’cept for 1 time I tried while jumping toward 1 o’er spikes.

Worse is the fact that this game can be anal ’bout the high scores in some levels needed to get 100% ( though other levels aren’t ) . Both these combined lead to hours o’ frustration & cursing Mario to the rashy bowels o’ the hellblizzards.

Also, while the puzzles are clever, sometimes the levels are designed to waste time, which can lead to tedious waiting if you have to redo a level. 3-1 makes you wait a while after getting to the key for the platform to slowly return to you, after rising & falling a few times ’long the way. I’ve ne’er been able to figure out a way to skip the wait. Half o’ 3-6 is just waiting for the lava to slowly fall so you can reach the bottom, only to quickly hop up minutes before the lava would e’er come close to climbing back up to you. I’m not sure what they were thinking with that level: it’s mind-numbingly easy & just makes you wait a long time. ¿What’s the point? 4-5 has an awful Thwomp that it seems like you can pass under him @ 1st; but the right corner o’ him will just smash you if you try. However, you can, if you’re daring & impatient, super somersault ( back flip jump & jump ’gain just after landing ) o’er him while he’s on the ground; though I’m not sure if that actually saves time, & can be finicky to time.

In general, I’m mixed on the involvement o’ the Mario toys in this game. While I like the aesthetics o’ them & the toy factory, & the story is refreshing compared to “villain kidnaps woman, Mario must rescue her”, they don’t have a good effect on gameplay. Mixing the key-&-door mechanic from the Game Boy Donkey Kong & the mechanic o’ just grabbing the toy in 2 half-levels spliced together feels forced, ’specially since the 2 half-levels rarely have anything to do with each other; & the key-&-door mechanic was much mo’ interesting. I’d prefer it if this game kept Game Boy Donkey Kong’s method o’ just 1 level per level, get the key to the door, & collect the 3 items on the way.

Interestingly, the extra levels combine them in a way: there’s a Mini Mario with a key that you have to lead with you to the locked door. But that has the following problem:

That problem would be escort missions, which you have to do before every boss & during the extra levels. The 1s before the boss have you lead 6 o’ the toy Marios to the toy box, collecting the letters that spell out “TOY” ’long the way. The problem is the same o’ every escort mission: they’re e’en mo’ finicky ’bout following my lead than Mario himself, & their “Hey, Mariooo” makes me want to destroy them. Why developers continue to put in such an obnoxious mechanic that, as far as I know, nobody likes, is beyond comprehension. Why DK wants these annoying toys is a mystery, as well.

Worse, you have to do this escort mission perfectly ’gain if you get hit e’en once gainst the boss¹, if you want the high score. Each hit gets you points, & you can only get all the hits if you beat the escort mission beforehand.

As for music, while TV Tropes claims its music is great… Well, they say all music is great, so that’s meaningless. I ne’er found any o’ it memorable. Certainly none o’ it comes close to the amazing music in the Game Boy Donkey Kong.

¿Apparently the ghost house songs are particularly good? I kind o’ liked the 3rd theme. It’s no “Fight Against a Stronger Monster”, — or e’en a “Showdown at the Tower” — but it’s all right.

’Cause o’ its superior controls, physics, music, & mo’ refined gameplay, I’ll have to judge the Game Boy Donkey Kong to be superior to Mario vs. Donkey Kong. That said, e’en if you’ve already played the Game Boy Donkey Kong, I’d still recommend this game.

Also, our heroes are assholes.

Actually, sadly, this negative review o’ Wario Land 3 isn’t as bad as the positive one I made fun o’, since this writer actually managed to consistently follow his thesis.

Still, his arguments are shallow, so let’s take the effort to defend this 10+-year-ol’ game.

This reviewer argues that Wario Land 3 is not only bad, but apparently the prime example o’ a bad sequel. Wario Land 3 must have some fundamental flaws to warrant that particularly shameful spotlight.

1 ) Don’t repackage old mechanics as new

It doesn’t.

He complains that Wario Land 3 is a “step down” from Wario Land 2 simply ’cause it makes you learn your abilities by collecting treasures, rather than starting out with them. Nowhere does he actually state how this affects how fun the game is; he just seems to imply that mo’ is always better. In particular, he compares Wario Land 3 negatively to Banjo-Tooie, which started Banjo & Kazooie with their abilities from Banjo-Kazooie & gave them new abilities in addition to these. What this reviewer doesn’t mention is how many people panned Tooie for being o’er-complicated & giving Banjo & Kazooie a lot o’ abilities that were rarely used & rarely interesting — such as picking stuff up with a backpack & sleeping in it to gain health.

While he compares Wario Land III to Zelda games, he forgets to also mention Metroid & Castlevania games, as well as many RPGs. ( ¿Thousand Year Door makes you recollect badges you got in the 1st Paper Mario? It’s obviously inferior to Paper Mario. ) This is a common gameplay mechanic in video games. It’s true that it doesn’t make sense from a story point o’ view; — so much that it’s a common trope: “Bag of Spilling” — but when you get to the point o’ criticizing a Wario game for not being logical, you’ve become the illogical one.

Moreo’er, he ignores the fact that the game does do new things with Wario’s powerups. Wario not only unlocks the ability to swim, but also the ability to swim past currents, which Wario ne’er learns in II & which dynamically changes how players interact with level design. This is a vital aspect o’ Wario Land III vs. Wario Land II: the way Wario’s interaction with levels changes as the game goes on. In Wario Land II, once you’ve gotten the 1 or 2 exits in a level & found the bonus thrown in, you’re done — nothing new to get from that level.

But, all right, this is just 1 point. I’m sure he has many other good reasons.

2 ) Expand on old mechanics to improve them, and/or create new ones

The example I just gave before is ne’er addressed. Nor does he mention the key-&-chest system, — you know, the main mechanic o’ the game — the day-&-night system, the way levels change as you venture through the game… It almost makes me wonder if this person e’en played this game.

OK, now, ¿what does he talk ’bout?

Wario Land 3 not only goes backwards in terms of Wario’s moveset but ruins one of its strongest, most most defining features, the No Death system.

That’s interesting, since Wario Land 3 clearly still has this system, as well as status effects. Don’t tell me he’s actually going to complain ’bout the “Game Over” on the final boss, as if that matters…

In Wario Land 2, Wario loses coins instead of health when attacked, in addition to being knocked back. These coins are used to pay for minigames which reward the player with treasure when won.

( Smacks forehead. ) ¿’Cause Wario doesn’t lose coins, the “No Death system” is ruined? ¿Is this guy high?

Ironically, it just so happened that I was thinking ’bout the changes ’tween Wario Land games & thought to myself how Wario Land II didn’t do the “No Death system” as well as Wario Land 3 ’cause it made you lose coins by getting hit, thereby losing the neutral aspect o’ getting hit. What — to me, a’least — made the “No Death system” work so well was that it changed the very meaning o’ getting hit: it wasn’t just something that was “bad” & “to be avoided,” but something that varied by context. It meshed well with status effects — effectively treating getting “hurt” as just ’nother status effect, which could be bad or good ( speedrunners actually intentionally get hurt sometimes ), just like status effects. This is good, ’cause for some, it can be hard to tell the difference ’tween getting “hurt” & being hit with a status effect. I saw 1 person once complain ’bout this uncertainty for Wario Land 4, & I’m sure it’d apply to Wario Land II, just to a much smaller degree, since losing coins isn’t that big a deal in Wario Land II.

Interestingly, there is 1 case where I think Wario Land II was better than Wario Land 3: the fact that coins were mo’ common & had mo’ importance ( though not as much as in the 1st Wario Land ). While I think, in general, Wario Land 3’s level design was much mo’ interesting than Wario Land II’s ( I can barely e’en remember its levels, whereas I can remember so much from 3 ), I do miss the coin caches hidden round its levels.

¿Why do I say this is “interesting”?

Arguably this increases the importance of coin collection, but each try at the minigame costs only 10 coins, and since Wario cannot lose any collected coins, the increased importance of coin collection becomes overshadowed by these other factors, which greatly reduces Wario Land 3’s difficulty in comparison to Wario Land 2.

Anyone who is actually familiar with… any Wario Land game, marvel @ this.

1. Minigolf games only cost 10 coins @ the start. Later on they cost up to 50.

2. Minigolf games are a thrown-in mechanic that aren’t important @ all. You could take them out & the game would be just as good — perhaps better, since that game gets tiring after a while. Actually, if he mentioned the minigolf game itself as a downside, I might agree with him, ’cept for the fact that Wario Land II’s bonuses were e’en worse.

3. He essentially argues that coins are mo’ important in Wario Land 3 ’cause there’s fewer o’ them, & notes that they’re also used less oft. Any rational person would conclude that, in such case, coins are obviously less important.

4. He’s arguing that the difficulty ’tween Wario Land II & 3 is determined by how many coins one has. Yes, the 1 thing that stops one from beating Wario Land 3 isn’t Wolfenboss or the cloud jumps in “S6 Above the Clouds”; it’s running out o’ coins & not being able to play minigolf, &, bizarrely, not being able to just go round killing enemies & breaking blocks till one has ’nough. That’s not hard: that’s tedium.

The same applies to Wario Land II. Money is ne’er a problem in that game, e’en if you get hit all the time. If you think that’s what makes that game hard, & not the bosses or level design… You must be some idiot savant. ¿Do you get hit by every enemy & not collect any o’ the hundreds o’ coins lying round?

The level of punishment lost by removing the element of Wario losing coins when attacked turns Wario Land 3 into an upsettingly easy game. Wario Land 3 goes backwards instead of bringing new things to the table.

( Laughs. ) Wario Land 3 is “upsettingly” easy ’cause it doesn’t make you grind for coins ’nough. I particularly love how “punishment” is a good thing in a video game.

¿What does any o’ this have to do with “bringing new things to the table”? ¿& should someone who uses a cliche like “bringing new things to the table” be complaining ’bout a lack o’ originality?

3 ) The sequel should stay true to the series, but stand out

This is meaningless & likely self-contradictory. What any individual considers to be “true” to a series varies; & if something stays too “true,” it’s certainly not going to stand out much.

He just shows a bunch o’ videos & claims that Wario Land 3 is just like Wario Land 2, ’cept for the changes he mentioned earlier, which is Wario having to learn his powerups, the minigolf game, & there being fewer coins. No mention is given to key-&-chest mechanic, day-&-night mechanic, or music coins.

I have a feeling this guy’s only experience with these games are these YouTube videos.

He then contrasts Wario Land 3 with the way Zelda does everything different in every new game.

If I want a game with more emphasis on puzzles, I’ll play Oracle of Ages, if I want a game with more emphasis on narrative I’d play Majora’s Mask.

Those are such bad examples to give that I almost think he’s intentionally trying to be stupid as a joke or something. Oracle of Ages is certainly mo’ similar to its twin, Oracle of Seasons, & Majora’s Mask literally reuses assets from Ocarina of Time, which also focuses on story. I’m not saying they’re the same — but they’re certainly closer than Wario Land 3 is to Wario Land II. So this guy hasn’t played any o’ those games, either.

A successful sequel is hard to make, especially when following a very well-received game. Wario Land 3’s mistakes make it the poster child of all the mistakes that can be made in making a sequel. And without a successful sequel, a franchise is doomed to fail.

Too bad Wario Land 3 didn’t just come out last year & the series didn’t continue for a few mo’ games afterward. Wario Land 3’s such an amazing failure, it ruined the franchise while still allowing it to continue being successful for years afterward.

In the comments, after some dumb commenter asked if he should only get Wario Land 3 if he got all 4 o’ them… e’en though you can’t get 4 on the 3DS, ’less he was an Ambassador 5 years ago, which is unlikely… But whatever. He says this:

Playing Wario Land 3 after 2 is like playing Spyro Enter the Dragonfly after playing Year of the Dragon

I remember how Wario Land 3 was full o’ game-breaking bugs that happened all the time & took fore’er to load ’tween levels.

Popping the Party Balloons

While looking round the site, I noticed the dumb tagline, “Honest Game Journalism” — as if I’d expect them to have a tagline that said, “Game Journalism that Lies Straight Into Your Fat Face.” They didn’t succeed @ that goal, considering this review’s inaccuracies in regards to… well, every game mentioned, actually. But, still: if you have to emphasize your “honesty,” no rational person would trust that tagline, anyway.

In April of 2012, Gather Your Party launched as an alternative source of video game related media. Its creation was a direct result of the growing discontent with the behavior of major outlets across the internet.

Sigh. It’s ’nother 1 o’ these groups, sticking it to the evil large corporate video game websites that nobody cares ’bout. ’Cause being told a shitty game isn’t shitty is right up there with The New York Times lying ’bout what “torture” is. Ne’er mind the fact that everyone just gets their opinions o’ video games from full playthroughs by some pastyfaced nobody on YouTube — kind o’ like this reviewer clearly did for Wario Land 3 & II.

Due to our pro-consumer stance and desire to pursue ethical video game journalism, it is our policy to disclose information pertaining to possible conflicts of interest, such as when we receive review copies, or when a member of our staff has personal or professional ties to a developer or publisher.

I love how they promise to mention when they got free gifts, & not promise to, you know, not accept them.

I’m glad they promise to tell me ’bout personal ties to developers. I expect you to tell me all ’bout this reviewer’s steamy sex antics with the whole development team o’ Wario Land II so I can make up some online club & go round acting like a belligerent asshole to strangers ( so, Friday night, basically ) & add the word Gate to my name, ’cause that’s original. We’ll call it WarioLandGate, & it’ll be super important. This is ’bout corruption, after all. Whatever that means in this context.

Embarrassingly ’nough, the latest news story from this impressive game news site was from July 2015. Most o’ the stuff they’re doing now is streaming & podcasts, which have the double benefit o’ being hipper & lazier. & useless when there’s much better stuff round. The editorials they do have are nothing mind-feeding. ¿Did you know that Mighty No. 9 sucks? Well, Gather Your Party told you all in a tone as if this is some revelation. The “humor” is trite pop-culture references, like “which video game celebrity will die,” “waifus,” & spelling “video” “vidya.” The website design is so sickeningly slick that it screams o’ “CONVERTING” templates.

Basically, I can’t help get the feeling that this website was made mo’ to generate cheap hits, rather than to actually provide quality info or entertainment. Shocking then that I found it on Google — they’re usually so good @ ensuring these sites are made for me, not them.