For reasons I can’t comprehend, I’ve been playing Cool Spot quite a lot recently, despite the fact that I have many better games. I think I had this crazy idea o’ trying to speedrun it or something. @ the very least I want to see if I can 100% the game on hard.

Cool Spot was an ol’ platformer released for various systems o’ the time, most notably the SNES & Genesis / MegaDrive, based on a 7-Up mascot I only know ’bout ’cause o’ this game, which only means that it was a successful ad, & a bearded commie like me likes my ads to be good — preferably with a crazy Dr. Wily cosplayer involved. This doesn’t have that, but it does have some nifty level design.

Cool Spot straight goin’ the wrong way after spending all that time looking @ the map. You know he’s cool ’cause he don’t follow any fascist rules.

Cool Spot’s bretheren have been kidnapped by something that is ne’er ’splained — we’ll just say it’s the Coca-Cola Corporation — & you need to reach their cage & shoot the lock off. This has an interesting quirk in that you can sometimes beat a level early by shooting @ the lock through a wall, such as in “Off Da Wall”.

Actually, according to the official manual, they were kidnapped by a loon named Wild Wicked Wily Will ( who presumably does cosplay as Dr. Wily ) who wants to prove to the world & his subreddit that spots do exist. ¿Why? ¿Who knows? Maybe he thinks 7-Up is a Marxist conspiracy. Those li’l bastards are red.

Either way, you ne’er see Wily Willy Woe Wimpleton in the game, so it doesn’t matter.

But that’s not all: in order to release the spot & beat the level you have to collect a certain # o’, um, smaller spots out o’ the 100 total, depending on the difficulty. Easy requires only 30, normal 60, & hard 90. You can also get a bonus level if you get 75, 85, or 95 for the respective difficulties, where you can win continues & a chance to win a 1-up ( @ a total o’ 6 bonus levels ). Finally, if you collect all 100 you’re guaranteed a 1-up @ the end o’ the stage.

The difficulty levels is where the game gets annoying. This is 1 o’ those games wherein if you beat it on easy, the game says you have to beat it on hard. In addition, you have to collect 6 continues represented by “UNCOLA” letters & keep them till the end.

Back then if you did beat it on hard with all the “UNCOLA” letters & sent a picture to 7-Up you’d win some contest. Online all I found were a bunch o’ conflicting stories ’bout what one actually won, but I doubt you’d get anything for doing it now — well, ’less you’re The Completionist. But I’m not, so fuck that shit. I love how e’en 7-Up’s twitter said, “Deserved it!” Damn right they deserved it: Cool Spot on hard’s cheap as fuck; I’m not surprised this guy looks so grizzled & angry. “If I e’er see a wasp ’gain, I will crush it with my bare hands”.

¿What happens if you don’t have a camera? Tough shit: that’s what happens.

Strangely the game ends after this, not e’en giving you the credits. Apparently they acknowledged how boring credits are & decided to only subject losers who couldn’t beat the game the real way to them.

As you rise in difficulty, the # o’ enemies they throw in ramps up; but what makes hard mode so hard is finding all the spots. As I mentioned, you need 90 in every level & 95 in the majority to get all the “UNCOLA” letters ( assuming you don’t end a bonus stage without getting a letter, which is quite easy on the later stages, since these bonuses don’t give much time ).

& this game is dickish ’bout hiding spots. They love hiding them ’hind every piece o’ scenery. E’en after playing the 1st few levels dozens o’ times & checking ’hind every piece o’ scenery, I’ll still oft miss spots. I still haven’t been able to find all the spots in “Toying Around”, & I looked all o’er. That level just has so much scenery clutter that trying to sift through it all is headache inducing. ¿Why do I like this obnoxious game?

While getting all 100 spots in normal levels is challenging, getting them all in the bonus stages is much harder. Like I said, they give you li’l time, & once you run out, your chance is gone. All you get is a 1-up, so it’s not a huge loss. The game gives you plenty o’ lives & caps you @ 9, anyway. But the collectivist part o’ me still hates it. It’s like 101% Donkey Kong 64 while only getting 75% o’ the bananas in each level — it’s wrong.

Time is also strict on harder difficulties to the point that I don’t e’en know how you’d get 95 spots & beat “Toying Around” without losing a life to time-out a’least once.

Interestingly, the bonus stages don’t seem to change in difficulty — not e’en in terms o’ less time or mo’ spike balls.

Despite that, it does have some nifty level design. The levels are open & mazelike, but the game provides arrows on easy & normal if you start going in wrong ways ( which is usually where you want to go if you want to get all the spots ). The themes are also mo’ exotic than in most platformers, with an o’erarching theme o’ being small in a big world: you have a sunny beach full o’ balloons; a pier with rope & fish hooks; an attic with severed wires for ladders & mouse traps as, well traps; a bathtub with rubber duckies & tadpoles for platforms & parade Zeppelins tied to strings hanging high ’bove; & a toy room full o’ all kinds o’ crap: upturned sneakers, stacks o’ quarters, glasses, towers o’ playing cards, fire trucks with upward sloping ladders that can be used to reach higher places, & shoelaces that can be used as ladders. Considering how my entire life was inspired by that fateful coffee can o’ my youth, it shouldn’t be too surprising why I’d love the toy room levels, e’en though they’re the most infuriating in terms o’ hiding things.

I think we can see why I like this game so much: pure nostalgia, nothing mo’.

Cool Spot also has a cool gimmick to how it shows the level themes: rather than going through all the levels o’ a theme @ once per theme, it mirrors through them: it goes through them, has 1 unique pinball level in the middle, & then goes back through them in the opposite direction, so that the beach levels are the 1st & last, the pier levels the 2nd & penultimate, the attic levels the 3rd & 3rd-to-last, & so on. There is a bit o’ a question ’bout the 4th & 4th-to-last level: they both have the same background, but different music, & while the 4th focuses on a bathtub, the 4th-to-last focuses on a train.

A quirk ’bout these level themes is that the difficulty seems to stay similar ’mong levels o’ the same theme, with the exception that “Dock & Roll” is much harder than “Pier Pressure” & matches its place as the penultimate level, “Surf Patrol” becomes ridiculously cheap & hard on the hardest difficulty ( but is 1 o’ the easiest levels on easy & normal ), & “Loco Motive” is actually easier than “Wading Around”, despite coming after it. The 3rd & 3rd-to-last level are similarly easy ( actually, probably both easier than the 2nd level ). Then ’gain the middle level, “Radical Rails”, which is the only level o’ its pinball gimmick, is probably the easiest, with no enemies ( though time is as dangerous as e’er ); but then, I think that was meant as a kind o’ bonus intermission.

As many note, the game has no bosses @ all — not e’en a final boss. This shocked me @ the time & led me to believe that you had to beat the game on hard with the “UNCOLA” letters to get the final boss, only to learn the truth later. I’m not as bummed ’bout it as other people, though, since I ne’er liked bosses, anyway. ¿Doesn’t hard mode have ’nough enemies to fight already?

Cool Spot’s physics are annoying & make the game harder than it should be. There’s no run button: ’stead you have to build momentum by walking, & how off you are significantly affects Cool Spot’s jump length. He also in general feels sluggish. Sometimes the hit detection can be finnicky, too. You have no idea how annoyed I’d get when I’d keep falling off ball platforms in “Toying Around”, forcing me to either lose half a level’s progress or kill myself to return to the nearer checkpoint.

It also has a terrible camera that makes every jump a blind jump. I’d say this is what makes the bonus stages as hard as they are. When you’re falling, since you’re so close to the bottom o’ the screen, you have no time to react to anything so it’s luck whether you hit a bubble or spot you’re aiming for. ’Cause Spot can hit bubbles from below & bounce up, it’s easy to jump up & hit a bubble you weren’t aiming for, throwing you off. In the level proper, ’specially in hard mode where the game loves flying enemies, it’s common for levels to just throw enemies into your face out o’ nowhere. I’d say it’s outright impossible to not get hit in this game without memorizing most o’ the enemy locations.

WARNING: Bullshit ’head.

To be fair, the game is rather generous with lives. I don’t know if it’s ’cause I’ve just practiced ’nough that I’ve gotten better @ the game, but I’m currently halfway through hard mode with the maximum 9 lives, & I died a lot ( sometimes intentionally to avoid going through a bunch o’ stuff ’gain after falling a long way down in “Toying Around” & “Wading Around” ). If you get a lot o’ spots ( which is necessary to get the bonus stage, & thus the “UNCOLA” letters necessary to truly beat the game ) & have a decent ’mount o’ time left on the clock when you beat a level, you’ll get an extra life after every stage. Levels are also full o’ extra lives. Also, I think the developers realized the toy levels are brutal ’cause they filled them with full-heals 7-Up bottles. The downside is that they don’t come back if you die, e’en though the enemies do.

As a note, the 7-up bottles offer an element o’ luck to the easy & normal difficulties: defeated enemies would randomly spawn them, which can either be extremely helpful or redundant depending on when you get them. It’s not too rare for a bottle to spawn just after ’nother or to go through an entire level without any — though I do feel like the game offers them mo’ if you’re low on life. Hard mode doesn’t have these @ all, which means that on most levels which don’t have hard-coded versions ( such as in “Toying Around” ), you have to be extra careful ’bout getting hit. I don’t like this change as it gets rid o’ the strategic benefit o’ killing enemies, making a lot o’ them not worth bothering with ( ’specially since some enemies, like the Pencil Goblins in the toy levels or the Clams in the pier levels take fore’er to die ).

This leads to interesting per-level difficulty changes ’tween the different difficulty modes. Some levels like the wall levels don’t become much harder — just a few easily-dodged spiders. The 1st & 2nd levels, meanwhile, become much harder, since they now have mo’ flying enemies. The 1st & last levels have the greatest difficulty spike, since it now has wasps all o’er the up-high balloon section & getting hit will cause you to drop off a balloon, forcing you to go all the way back up. Some o’ them are hard to dodge & thanks to the camera seem to come from nowhere if you’re not going slowly & carefully or don’t know they’re coming. Normal mode doesn’t have them @ all; the balloon section is perfectly safe. It’s interesting as when I played the game on easy & normal I found the last level, “Surf Patrol”, to be much easier than “Dock & Roll” or the toy levels; but on hard I couldn’t beat it without cheating. I could get up to it with plenty o’ lives, but couldn’t beat it. It’s just full o’ wasps that snipe you from offscreen ( meanwhile, you can’t kill them while they’re offscreen, as they despawn ). The vast majority o’ the spots are up in the balloon area, & it’s just too easy to get hit & fall back down. If you didn’t kill the millions o’ enemies swarming the ground, you’ll likely get hit a few times trying to get back up ’gain. If you did kill them all, you’ll ’ventually lose all your life & die & either have to go through the level spending minutes killing all the enemies ( & likely lose a few hit points from sniped shots from a spontaneous wasp ). It’s infuriating.

I do have to give them that: their difficulty levels are fitting. Easy is stupidly easy, normal is, well, normal, & hard is, well, hard. It offers a nice way to gradually build one’s skills. Unfortunately, the difficulty’s just not well-done: it’s almost all cheap, with the only solution being to memorize where enemies are & take advantage o’ the lives the game throws @ you. There are many times when the game just hits you when there was nothing you could do to prevent it.

Different Versions

The Genesis version is worse than the SNES version that I’m usually used to in every way ’cept for maybe the music. Not only are its graphics much worse, its physics are e’en worse. Jumping & hit detection feels mo’ finnicky, & Spot grabs ladders automatically just by touching them, rather than when you press up or down, which makes it hard to get off the damn things.

The PC / DOS, Amiga, Game Boy, GameGear, & Master System versions are e’en worse. The amiga version comes close to having almost bearable music, only for that music to be constantly interrupted by sound effects. The PC & Amiga versions were so bad that soft-drink 3rd wheeler Dr. Pepper / Snapple Group didn’t want their logo or the word “UNCOLA” in it… ( ’stead you spell out “virgin”, teaching kids that abstinence is way cool ) e’en though it still has their mascot Cool Spot. This also apparently applies to the European versions ’cause they have a different mascot… e’en though the mascot is the 1 thing that stayed in the games. This is why Coke & Pepsi are still beating you guys. Well, that & ’cause you didn’t have hilariously bad cutscenes with hilarious bad acting in your game. ’Cause if Pepsi knows anything it’s that stereotyping your target audience as fat, lazy, idiotic slobs is the best way to get customers.

In short: only play the SNES version & only listen to the music from the SNES & Genesis versions.

Graphics

I have no complaints ’bout the SNES Cool Spots’s graphics. They all-o’er look nice & are full o’ creative detail. I already mentioned how much detail they went into for the scenery. It’s not just that it looks nice but that it also has character to it that makes it look interesting. For the attic level, they didn’t just use realistic wood textures for everything but added wires for climbing, tacs & mouse traps for dangers, mice in pajamas that throw cheese for enemies.

As you can see, the Genesis graphics are worse, which is no surprise, since the Genesis had inferior graphical abilities than the SNES. Not only are the graphics less colorful & detailed, different levels o’ the same theme don’t have different palettes.

Compare the 2 pier levels in the SNES version, the 2nd o’ which has a sunset cast:

The Genesis versions both have baby-blue skies:

I don’t know why, but I always liked seeing the return o’ enemies or levels later on with different palettes, usually in a much harder form. It’s that strange mix o’ familiarity & yet also difference.

Music

Cool Spot’s music is either very catchy or annoying depending on the track. Most oft it’s amazing — ’twas made by Tommy Tallarico, the guy who did the music for the Earthworm Jim games, after all. This is the 1 case wherein the Genesis version sounds good in its own right. It’s not as detailed or smooth as the SNES versions, but the rawer texture o’ its instruments sound good in their own right. ’Cause o’ this, I’ll be linking to both versions so you can listen to them both. I won’t be listing the other versions though, ’cause they’re ass. In fact, if you look on YouTube, all you’ll find are the SNES & Genesis soundtracks ’cause nobody liked the other soundtracks.

Bonus Level / Rave Dancetune

This is the song most people know ’bout & is most people’s favorite. I’d put it in the middle: better than “Shell Shock” & “Pier Pressure”, but worse than “Toying Around” & SNES “Off Da Wall”. I definitely prefer the SNES version, not the least o’ which ’cause it better emulates the sound o’ the song it’s obviously inspired by. The Genesis version also sounds choppier & less energetic.

Shell Shock / Beach Music

This is the most moderately good SNES track. It’s not as annoying as “Radical Rails / Parade Tune” or boring as “Loco Motive / Western Tune”, but it’s @ the bottom o’ the list o’ others. This is where I think the smoothness o’ the SNES version makes it not sound as good as the Genesis version. The Genesis version sounds like it has mo’ contrast & seems to bring out the beach sound o’ the instruments mo’.

Pier Pressure / Jazzy Tune

I think I prefer the SNES version, but it’s not a strong preference. It actually feels like it has mo’ contrast, & its bass & percussions sound much richer.

Off Da Wall / Wall Tune

The SNES version is definitely better. This is a track wherein the SNES’s smoother, deeper sound works better than the Genesis’s simpler, grungier sound.

This is the only track that doesn’t sound like it truly fits its level theme. ¿Does this sound like attic music?

Wading Around / Play da Blues

Like “Shell Shock”, this music sounds better on the Genesis — e’en mo’ than that song. The instruments sound — ’specially the electric guitar & some percussions — too weak on the SNES version. The Genesis version has that bumpiness to it; & I love the echo effect on its electric guitar.

It only loses points ’cause I’m getting sick o’ them using “da” for “the” as some hokey gimmick.

Toying Around / Groovie Tune

See, now this is my favorite song o’ the game, for the best theme, too. I definitely prefer the SNES version, since its smoother, deeper sound gives it the warmth it warrants. It’s where the soft percussions actually work better. The Genesis version still sounds good in its own way, though. ¡That rusty bass!

’Nother difference ’tween the Genesis & SNES versions: the Genesis version plays “Parade Tune” when you beat a level while SNES version has silence while the 2 characters scream for joy. I actually prefer the SNES version’s ’cause “Parade Tune” is bloody obnoxious.

O’erall

Cool Spot has great art, music, & level design ( not counting enemy placement ); but its basic game design — physics, controls, camera, & enemy placement — suck. I’d recommend playing it on normal or easy, but don’t bother with hard: it’s cheap bullshit.

There are a bunch o’ other games, like some crappy board game ripoff for the NES simply called Spot & Spot Goes to Hollywood, but nobody cares ’bout those games; & I didn’t grow up with them, so I certainly don’t. I think someone adapted McKids for the Game Boy & replaced all McDonalds stuff with Cool Spot, but it sucks & you should stick to the NES McKids.

Obviously this review is facetious: but I give this review credit for a’least being funny.

The highlights:

You can’t jump in Ocarina of Timeless Piece of Crap. It ruins the game. Why can’t you jump? Is there something wrong with your legs? In UnderTale, not only can you jump and even double jump, you can even triple murder jump. I know Zelda is white, but if you really think white men can’t jump, then you’re racist. Anyway, even if it was true, he’s only a man for half the game. The rest of the time, he’s a kid and I can tell you my two boys can jump, so why not in this game? Plus, he wears a skirt, so you can’t use the excuse that his jeans are too tight and he doesn’t want to tear them.

[…]

I tried to show Cockarina of Time to my five year old, but as soon as he saw the title screen, he flicked his lit cigarette at me, told me to “Eat it, you old fuck,” and screeched away on his motorcycle. I haven’t seen him since. This game destroys families.

I wouldn’t bother reading any o’ the later 1s. I read the Super Mario Bros. 3 1 & it’s clear this person used all their jokes on this review.

We’re going to skip the world intros, since we’ll be jumping round rather erratically & they’re getting ol’.

Bootropolis ( revisited )

Music: “Shy Guy’s Toy Box”, Paper Mario

Probably should’ve done this back when I did the regular exit, but forgot that its “prize” was so inconsequential. You’ll see what I thought it unlocked in the next update.

Something I don’t show in this video: you don’t need to go to the hassle o’ getting the silver P if you already know where the doorway is; it works whether you hit it or not. The silver P just reveals it. Probably should’ve let myself die for a ’scuse to demonstrate that.

The graphics for the attic area are from Garfield & his 9 Lives for the GBA, which was surprisingly a decent game with nice graphics & music, unlock its bretheren Garfield: the Search for Pooky, which is shit — e’en shittier than this hack.

’Course, I can’t talk ’bout this level without mentioning the infamous game-breaking glitch that probably was the prime reason this hack wasn’t accepted into SMW Central 1 o’ the 2 times I tried. I don’t know how it happened, but the top block o’ those move-throughable blocks ’bove that ladder was solid ’stead o’ a ladder, making it impossible to get the golden mushroom, & thus impossible to get this exit & 100% the game. Considering how oft I tested this game, I have no idea how that flaw made it in, but somehow it did.

Though you were expected to use the shell o’ 1 o’ the yellow Koopas, as I show, to hit the turn block so you can get back o’er the wall, you can just throw the key @ it. This was unintentional, but is a nice way to keep players from accidentally screwing themselves o’er by destroying both shells.

• P-Switch level count: 29 / 48
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 14
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

Shroom of Streets

Music: “Dark Cave”, Pokémon Gold, Silver, & Crystal

& our message is just a hilarious 4th-wall-breaking joke ’bout everything wrong with these shrooms. Deleting my save file & filling my computer with viruses would’ve been a better reward.

The 50s & 60s ( revisited )

Music: “Hippie Battle”, Earthbound Beginnings

Finally we see where the “60s” part comes in.

While the palette gimmick feels cheap, I feel I did rather cleverly use it by forcing the player to puzzle out where the blue Koopa is. ’Course, as the end o’ the video shows, the player can just fly straight up @ the start & skip mo’ than half the level; & I could empathize, size that 1st part is annoying, ’specially if you fuck up in such embarassing ways as I did. I e’en feel bad ’bout having to raise the P-switch count, since the use o’ both P-switches is actually clever in psychedelic land. Then ’gain, if I didn’t use so many switches in superfluous ways, this wouldn’t be a problem, so I don’t feel bad, ne’ermind.

I read some people complain ’bout the palette in the 2nd area somehow being “godawful torture to the eye” or something. Yeah, making the gimmick o’ a level just a different palette, ’specially 1 as lazy & ugly as “invert all the colors” is, well, lazy. This is from the same person who, when much younger & making awful sprite comics ’stead o’ awful rom hacks, thought “Mario & Luigi with inverted colors” & “Mario in grayscale & 5 times as big” were compelling character designs.

• P-Switch level count: 30 / 48
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 15
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

Lab of Secrets

Music: “Revenge of Meta Knight – Halbert”, Kirby Super Star

Those lava sections are completely pointless. Due to the recording setup I have ( using Zsnes movies for recording, believe it or not ) I couldn’t show me turning off layer 3; but if I could, it’d show you that there are no fireballs anywhere nearby — they’re all way up ’bove the screen. The idea was that this was s’posed to be sort o’ a troll, sort o’ what I called @ the time “psychological challenge”, or something. Basically, it’s s’posed to make players worry ’bout cheap hits only to realize that they’re perfectly safe. It’s dumb & wastes time on subsequent attempts.

Which is relevant, ’cause I die all the time in that 2nd section, as shown. I actually expected to die many mo’ times, but I think I found a kind o’ rhythm to it that I didn’t know ’bout before. This was a case wherein I struggled ’tween what I thought was a clever & unused gimmick & my worries that ’twas too cumbersome & hard & not worth keeping. However, looking @ other playthroughs, it didn’t seem as if other players had much trouble with it.

What truly shocked me, though, was the section that came after it, which must be so late in development that I forgot ’bout it. I remember this level having you go through each o’ the previous lab bosses ’tween each room & having trivially easy ice section followed by some buggy sewer room wherein you bounce o’ breaking blocks or something, which is easy to screw yourself out o’ any chance o’ victory, & which I did see other players get annoyed with. Since neither o’ these rooms were any good, nor were any o’ the bosses save for 1, who was not good ’nough to fight ’gain, the replacement was definitely a good idea.

Though I die a lot, I don’t think this section is bad. I’m surprised I hadn’t done such an obvious gimmick as that till then, & it’s certainly 1 o’ the few all right layer-2 parts. It doesn’t o’erstay its welcome a’least. I can’t say my problems with this level were due to anything but my incompetence.

The Thwomp boss is all right — not much o’ a boss, but then none o’ the Super Meat Boy bosses were, either. I just don’t like how Thwomps are used in a 2nd boss. Since I couldn’t get the Custom Boss Sprite @ SMW Central to not make my rom shit its pants in Zsnes & didn’t want to reuse the boring Koopa Kid fights, I didn’t have many tools for making bosses but regular enemies.

• P-Switch level count: 30 / 49
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 15
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

& with that we finally enter the true final world o’ the game: the bonus “Warped Void”.

Sometimes the internet is full o’ these delightful absurdities, & I consider it my life duty to register them.

A blog named “The Nocturnal Rambler” wrote an article that lists numerous flaws with Ocarina of Time, including 1s I’ve mentioned, such as how terrible Ganondorf’s characterization is, how terrible the overworld map is, how characters ne’er shut up, how this game’s full o’ padding, & how all o’ its good stuff was already done by A Link to the Past. He also adds points I didn’t think ’bout, such as how square the dungeons are… though, to be fair, that applies to all the earlier Zelda games, too.

O, & this article was posted on April 1. & ’cause that wasn’t ’nough ( which, to be fair, since internet is an international thing & April Fools… I don’t e’en know how far that reaches. ¿Do UK people celebrate it? I’m guessing most o’ the world doesn’t ), the author specifies that it’s a joke & that he considers Ocarina of Time “perfect for its time”, while acknowledging that his criticisms were “at least halfway valid”.

I loved the response to that, too: “Next time don’t tell the truth when trolling. Every complaint you had was valid”.

World E: Deserted Skies

Lab of the Mirage ( revisited )

Music: “Revenge of Meta Knight – Halbert”, Kirby Super Star

Yes, e’en this world’s lab’s secret exit involves flying.

The reason for my clumsy playing is that I just started using a real SNES controller & was getting used to it.

• P-Switch level count: 27 / 45
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 13
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

World I: Bowser’s Secret Sea

I was a’least wise ’nough to hide the water levels ’way in a secret world that doesn’t give you anything for beating it.

Sea of Secrets

Music: “Underwater Tunnels”, Wario Land II

Nice awkward tiling o’ the bottom row o’ the background.

Not much to say ’bout this level. It’s not terrible — it’s just not terribly creative. It’s just a bunch o’ places where you need to dodge Urchins & swim round Electros. As the bonus ending shows, this level does reward you for noticing alternate routes.

Speaking o’ which, that brings up a point that annoys me: while I play rather clumsily in this video, when I was playing up to the part o’ the 2nd route, I did so well & smoothly, making early cycles with Urchins & squeezing through Electros with minimal movement. But I didn’t start recording till I got to just before the secret path, since it’s not as if I expected that to happen.

Also, that the “multiple paths, right path is 2nd-to-last” is a “puzzle” I’ve done a’least 1 other time, & probably mo’. It’s hilarious ’cause it wastes a li’l bit o’ the player’s time, & nothing else. Actually, to be fair, if the answer is this consistent for a few times, it does make for an OK puzzle in terms o’ challenging players to learn & remember. I did remember it ’cause it’s so common it’s solidified in my mind; I only intentionally took the last path to show it off.

The lack o’ P-switches & my foggy memory leads me to believe this was extensively remade late in development.

• P-Switch level count: 27 / 46
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 13
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

S.S. Devil Koopa

Music: “Jib Jib”, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest

For some reason I reference a lot o’ Japanese Mario names like Teresa ( Japanese name for Boo ) & “Devil Koopa”, which is actually what Super Mario World calls Bowser @ some point. I think I found it exotic, like how I always found the inaccurately translated enemy names in Super Mario RPG exotic.

The silver P-switch is a nice reward for exploring. I didn’t e’en know Boos turned to silver coins till I made this level. I also like how the dynamic o’ the 1st room changes if you take the key with you. As you can see, I couldn’t control myself worth shit & careened into every obstacle I could — but still didn’t die thanks to this level babying me & giving me plenty o’ powerups. The only problem is that savvy players would probably think to take the silver P-switch with them only to ne’er find a place they need it — ’nother flaw caused by my o’eruse o’ P-switch puzzles.

Speaking o’ which, the 2nd area has a needless blue switch, presumably to force the player to explore the left area on the top deck, where they can find a bunch o’ empty space & a single hopping Koopa.

That’s OK, ’cause it turns out my memory was wrong: I thought the ship went straight down, preventing you from swimming under everything, @ certain points, like just after the keyhole alcove. Turns out I changed that & allow you to straight swim past everything. Guess that was to give the player a back-up in case they stupidly waste the P-switch without getting rid o’ the brown blocks.

I have no idea why Luigi’s fiery palette is messed up in this area. ¿Does he e’en have a different palette scheme in this area? Other than the fiery palette being his normal palette, everything else is the same. ¿Why does this exist?

You’ll also notice the water surface tiles choppily jutting into each other when the open surface meets the surface in front o’ the ship. No matter how much I tried, I could ne’er fix that problem. I don’t think I could e’er figure out the frame speed o’ the original surface.

& our reward for this secret exit is… a warp to the middle o’ the forest for some reason. Makes me wonder if this route would make for better speedrunning — as if anyone would be masochistic ’nough to speedrun this gem.

• P-Switch level count: 28 / 47
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 14
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

Sea of Classics

Music: “Underwater Theme”, Super Mario All-Stars ( Super Mario Bros. ) ( Same )

Now we get some truly shitty level design: an obnoxious maze with cliché references to the original Super Mario Bros., glitchy turn-block graphics, & a P-switch. I love how I didn’t e’en go all the way with the classic references: the music is from All-Stars & the end has the Super Mario World goal post, not the flagpole. It’s the only level with the goal post, too, so that means that if one’s stupid ’nough, they could use this level to get the bonus level that otherwise is defacto edited out. I’d be interested to see how glitched that looks.

Also, the outlines on everything is wrong: it’s dark gray when the original Super Mario Bros. obviously used pure black.

The 1 interesting point ’bout this level is that it’s while copying the graphics from Super Mario Bros. that I learned that the clouds & bushes are the same graphics, just with different palettes.

• P-Switch level count: 29 / 48
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 14
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

Shroom of Seas

Music: “Underwater Theme”, Super Mario All-Stars ( Super Mario Bros. ) ( Same )

¿Do I have déjà vu or did I not also see this message somewhere else? Considering how many messages are just stupid jokes, it amazes me that I couldn’t come up with ’nough messages that I had to stoop to repetition twice. Truly these were here just to give me a reason to have mo’ multiple exits, since it’s not as if I could’ve made level layouts mo’ creative than a straight line to the end. I mean, we already saw what kind o’ bizarre shit I come up with when I don’t just use shrooms with that warp star to the middle o’ a forest shit.

I want to emphasize: your reward for beating this secret world is a fucking shroom. A fucking shroom with a message that’s a copy o’ ’nother & randomized item blocks that don’t e’en seem to work & aren’t worth e’en 10 coins.

Next update will be e’en shorter, & hopefully mo’ prompt, since it’ll just be a li’l clean-up & build-up to the true final world.

In ’nother entry in my long list o’ counterarguments to the idea that right conclusions equals right arguments, we have a critical review o’ Ocarina of Time which is stupid. Actually, to be fair to Ocarina of Time fans, most critiques o’ Ocarina of Time are as dumb as the praise it gets. I don’t know if I live in some alternate reality where what’s fun & good is different from everyone else, but it seems like no one can say anything sensible ’bout Ocarina of Time.

Anyway, this review starts by wasting paragraphs hyping / apologizing for how controversial his opinion’s going to seem. I was a’least courteous ’nough to wait till the end when everyone already left in seethes, & my hyping was mo’ creative ( read: insane ).

In the 3rd paragraph he finally gets to the main reason:

Well, I suppose the biggest reason is the most obvious: It’d outdated.

Fuck me… God damn it, Ocarina of Time fans: ¿are you so obsessed that you’ll create astroturf blogs full o’ strawmen? ’Cause I’m quite certain, “Duhr, it’s ol’, so it sucks” is exactly what Ocarina of Time fans make fun o’ critics as saying.

And I know what you’re gonna say, and I’m going to stop you. Yes, it’s a seventeen year old game. Yes, it was influential in the time it was made. Yes, a lot of modern gaming has been shaped by what this game did and, during the time it was made, it had no equals.

& I’m going to stop you & say, no, none o’ that is correct, & only the 1st was right @ some point.

I particularly love the “during the time it was made, it had no equals”. “¡This game that sucks had no equals @ the time!” Seems that your “Ocarina of Time is a Terrible, Terrible Game” was a “terrible, terrible” attempt @ a bit o’ false clickba — ¡God damn it, it’s ’nother fucking website I’ve read whose title is nonindicative o’ its actual content! ¡Stop wasting me time with this shit!

Anyway, we’re already “in too deep” into the anus, so let’s keep digging. ( ¿What the fuck does that mean? )

That is all very much true… if I was playing the N64 version. Which I’m not. I’m playing the 3DS version that, as far as I’ve been able to tell, changes nothing but the aesthetics and graphics of the game. Everything else stays the same… Which is in the game’s detriment, not its favour. Because while it set forth a lot of good things, it really doesn’t hold up well today.

So… ¿the 3DS game is worse than the N64 version ’cause… it only improves its graphics & keeps everything else the same? ¿Improvement & equality = worse? Usually people criticize reviews ’cause they have some subjective opinion on what is “fun” that they disagree with; my favorite are the reviews that are wrong due to basic fundamental logical flaws.

I think this reviewer’s mainly trying to say that both versions are bad today, but that the N64 version was good back in 1998… which contradicts “That is all very much true… if I was playing the N64 version”, which says that, if he were playing the N64 version now, it’d still be good. If that sentence were excised, he’d a’least have an internally-consistent argument. I’d still argue that that’s bunk: there are plenty o’ ol’ games that are still great today, e’en better than newer games. For example, every attempt to modernize Yoshi’s Island has always been vastly inferior — e’en in graphics & music — to the 1995 Yoshi’s Island. That game hasn’t aged an ounce.

Mo’ importantly, ’course, I disagree with his claim that Ocarina of Time “had no equals” back in 1998 & wish this were a praiseworthy review so he could perhaps elaborate — O, wait, they wouldn’t elaborate on that either. “Ocarina of Time was unmatched” is an argument you take on faith, nothing else.

Let’s ignore his rambling paragraph trying to defend gainst strawmen idiots who try to argue that anyone who complains ’bout Ocarina of Time must suck @ it. A simple, “Anyone who makes such an asinine argument is too dumb to argue with” would’ve sufficed. That said, I don’t think I’ve read that 1 yet, — mostly just wishing for people’s deaths & calling them “trolls” — & am bewildered by it, since Ocarina of Time isn’t exactly Battletoads. I think the problem would be less, “it’s too hard for me” & mo’ “it’s too hard for me to not fall asleep”.

Well, lets start with the story, or the lack thereof.

Let’s start with the lack thereof o’ sense in this review.

¿Lack o’ story in Ocarina of Time? O, mercy, modern gamers, ¿how art thou so? & you’re my age or older, too. ¿You think Ocarina of Time didn’t have ’nough story? “¿What the hell? I only had to mash the A button for, like, 5 minutes straight. Final Fantasy XIV would’ve been a’least 2 hours”.

Take Link, the player character that we get to name ourselves.

“¡I hate being allowed to have some semblance o’ creativity & being able to control aspects o’ my character! It’s almost as if I’m s’posed to be controlling this game or something”.

He has no personality… at all. He is a complete blank slate. Now on the one hand, this is suppose to be the point. We’re suppose to impose our own character onto him… but this always struck me as somewhat lazy story-telling.

Well, then it’s a good thing this is a game & not a novel, or that might be problematic. “It always struck me as somewhat lazy that movies used pictures to get round having to think o’ ways to represent their story in textual form”.

Rather than create a protagonist, they just pretend that we’re the protagonist and leave it at that.

That’s ’cause we are the protagonist. That’s why we push those buttons on the controller. This is a game. God, no wonder he sucked so much @ this game: he didn’t know he was s’posed to actually be doing the stuff himself. He just stared @ the TV with bewilderment. “¿So this whole thing is just the 1 text box, & nothing from the protagonist himself? Hardly Shakespeare”.

Now, true, Pokemon does much the same. Pokemon has a blank slate protagonist, leaving the player to implant their own personality. But, in that game, it works because the player character isn’t what we’re playing as. The player character is the one who gets us from A to B, yes, but the actual ‘playing’ part of the game comes from the Pokemon themselves. The Pokemon take centre stage, not the player character.

No, I think in “that game” ( or, rather, many, many games ) it works ’cause those games have actually interesting gameplay that is, unfortunately, interrupted by inane text, whereas Ocarina of Time doesn’t have any actual interesting gameplay. Surely this reviewer isn’t going to try telling me that he liked the Pokémon games ’cause he found Pikachu’s personality so compelling. “It truly tugged my heartstrings when he said, ‘Pika Pika chu’ — truly the greatest quote in all English”. Pokémon are interesting ’cause o’ what they do, the different strengths & weaknesses & strategies one can develop with them, which should contrast with most modern RPGs, which just give you pre-made characters with li’l customization, wherein most battles are just mashing A till you win, with a few healing spells when some #s get too low.

The fairy in Ocarina of Time sure has a personality. Same with the owl. Plenty o’ the characters in Ocarina of Time have personality — they’re just all annoying. The fact that Link shuts his trap is a blessing. Though I’ve heard plenty say, “I wish that damn fairy would shut up”, I’ve ne’er heard anyone say, “Gee, I truly wish I knew what Link was thinking now”. Probably ’cause we’ve learned from material like the CDi games or the cartoon that it’s usually something stupid. Think o’ how much mo’ entranced in Ocarina of Time I’d be if every so oft Link interrupted the great music with, “Well, ‘scuuuuuse me, princess” ( though now I wish someone would make a rom hack with voice clips from the cartoon & the CD-i games, ’cause that sounds hilarious ).

If anything, I’d say the fact that Link was silent made for mo’ interesting interactions & mo’ nuance — something that is viciously lacking in modern games. Link’s reaction to Ruto’s come-ons being just a horrified expression is much funnier than if he spouted out, “O, gawd. ¡What a bummer!” like god damn Bubsy the Bub.

But even if we ignore that, and look at the character themselves, the Pokemon protagonist is still more interesting than Link because the Pokemon protagonist has less personality. Which sounds conflicting, but let me explain.

I’m just sitting back in my bed with my arms folded with an expression o’ deep anticipation.

Actually, to be fair, he does offer some great criticism o’ Ocarina of Time’s story:

But even if we ignore that, Link has no motivation for his actions. He shows no interest in the story at large. He is given no reason to save Zelda and the kingdom. He is given no reason to care about what is going on. Without the lead character getting interested in the drama, how am I suppose to care?

I was going to make fun o’ his comparison ’tween Link & the main character from Pokémon games; but, yeah, the main characters in Pokémon do have mo’ believable motivation. E’en the villains have better motivation. Team Rocket may be shamelessly evil, but they’re just a average cynical, corrupt gang. ¿But how do I take seriously the idea that if Ganondorf takes control o’ the mystical McGuffin known as the Triforce that the world becomes infected with magical evil juice, ’cause “evil”. That’s the most inane fantasy tripe that only children write anymo’. Anyone who has e’er read any notable fantasy literature & actually likes that genre would be appalled @ the kind o’ mindless, outdated tripe — outdated as in “things literature stopped doing since the 50s” — video games are still spewing.

O, & hey, he has mo’ actually right criticism:

This is probably the game’s biggest flaw in the story-telling. It prefers to tell the audience everything that they need to know, rather than show them.

…

Mountains of text sprouting exposition in order to build up a story, rather than letting the story unfold in a more visually interesting way.

…

The entire plot revolves around the player collecting McGuffins in order to advance the story, but with little reason to care about what is happening.

My only question is, ¿how was this good in 1998? I ’specially find this funny considering his comparison to Pokémon ’cause the 1st Pokémon game came out before Ocarina of Time. Ocarina of Time apparently had no equals, but it clearly had superiors. The fact that any Pokémon game e’er beat Ocarina of Time in storytelling is the most damning critique you could give a game wherein storytelling is its primary “strength”.

But, phhh, ¿who cares ’bout “motivation” or the inanity o’ “magic causes it”? Ocarina of Time is “epic”, man, & that’s all that matters in my superserious storytelling.

But then we’re back to nonsense:

[I]t was revolutionary for when it was made. Which, once again, is true…

I ask ’gain: ¿how is Ocarina of Time revolutionary in terms o’ gameplay? That stupid fucking Z-targeting? Nobody fucking cares ’bout that. I don’t think video gaming would’ve gone the way o’ pogs if glorious Zelda hadn’t been there to gift us with the genius invention o’ not having to bother with aiming by holding a button down.

Take the ‘auto-lock’ camera function. From what I can tell, this was the first game to really do it.

What you can tell is wrong. ¿Have none o’ you idiots played Super Mario 64? ¿Is this some obscure gem that only few have played? It had auto-lock. Indeed, it had a better camera ’cause it gave you much mo’ control o’er it, like letting you shift it left & right. Super Mario 64’s camera has everything Ocarina of Time has & mo’, & it came out 2 years earlier.

I’m not going to judge his complaint that Ocarina of Time’s autolock is useless, ’cause he doesn’t elaborate. He just says it sucks & that he ignores it.

I’m mo’ interested in this critique:

It ends up being a very dull button-mash that ends with wild flaying since it’s hard to target anything.

¿Ocarina of Time makes it too hard to hit things? It has auto-targetting: the game babifies things for you. I’m the kind o’ person who thinks that NES games or shitty modern games that try to emulate shitty NES games are too hard, but e’en I think having the game aim for me is babifying. The only exception I can think o’ is when the camera is too fucking close to see anything round you, like with the Keese; but the only reason the Keese are a problem is ’cause they’re too far out o’ range for the Z-targeting to work & so far ‘bove you that you can’t see them, so they can just swoop down & smack you without you e’en getting a hint. But that’s a problem with the camera, not the Z-targeting. If anything, Z-targeting feels like a crutch for a bad camera.

Well, the biggest and most pressing problem is that the game never bothers to teach the player anything of any use.

God damn it, ¿why are you doing this to me?

The game ne’er shuts up. It constantly tells you how to do everything, no matter how obvious. I’m surprised the game doesn’t outright start with a text box that says, “To close these text boxes, press A”.

Now I know the modern complaint when it comes to modern gaming is that there’s too much ‘hand-holding’. The game makes everything incredibly easy so that even the worst player knows what they need to do.

Wait, ¿what? You just said that the game makes it too hard to figure anything out.

Now on the one hand, this is a valid complaint.

¡It’s your own complaint! ¡You can’t judge your own judgments!

Games are designed to provide some challenge, so taking away that challenge is a major drawback.

¿Says who? ¿Insecure people who need to be showed they can do something that a lot o’ other people can’t do, regardless o’ how li’l benefit it gives to anyone else? Mario Paint wasn’t challenging, but it certainly wasn’t garbage.

Halfway through this paragraph, I’ve realized that that sentence way back when he said “the game” he wasn’t referring to Ocarina of Time, but some newfangled game, & he was trying to contrast Ocarina of Time to those games & trying to defend modern games & their incessant tutorials.

Now, as the webseries Extra Credits pointed out, Portal is almost 90% tutorial. They teach the player something, make sure the player knows it, and makes it so that the player can’t move forward until they’ve mastered it. Most games do this, to some extent. They teach the player something and make sure they know to do something before moving on.

The difference is that good games don’t have tutorials but intuitive design. Though I would agree that not punishing the player too much for the crime o’ making mistakes would certainly mitigate the feeling that one needs tutorials. This is the kind o’ strength a game like Mario Paint has: it doesn’t need a tutorial, ’cause it doesn’t need to worry ’bout whether you know how to play it the “right” way ’cause it doesn’t punish you for anything: it just gives you its tools & says, “Go crazy”. It’d be nice if mo’ games were like this.

Now isn’t this true of Ocarina of Time?

All right, now I’m confused ’gain: ¿weren’t you arguing that Ocarina of Time doesn’t teach ’nough?

They teach you how to use your sword, throw a bomb, etc.

’Cept you just said @ the beginning o’ this long paragraph, “the biggest and most pressing problem is that the game never bothers to teach the player anything of any use”. Apparently slashing your sword & throwing bombs has no use in this game where you slash your sword gainst the vast majority o’ enemies & use bombs to solve most puzzles.

And on that level, that’s true. They teach you how to do that much. But then they leave a lot up to unintuitive and counter-productive thinking.

Then the true flaw isn’t “doesn’t teach ’nough” but bad level design.

[A] good example can be found in the Shadow Temple. In order to proceed, you need to use an arrow to shoot a bunch of bomb plants, causing a structure to fall. […] Only problem is, the game has at not point explained that this is possible.

Here I’d have to defend Ocarina of Time: basic logic tells you that if you shoot bombs, they blow up. If anything, the game would be worse if the arrows just went through them like ghosts. Compared to the kind o’ tripe adventure games o’ its era had, Ocarina of Time was quite generous. I mean, I praised the original Zelda as better than Ocarina of Time, but expecting you to shoot an arrow @ bombs knowing that they’ll blow up is better than guessing that “disliking smoke” means it’ll die if you put bombs in front o’ its face or that “grumble grumble” means, “¿Could you please give me some meat? I’m terrible famished”. Hell, that game has maps that outright lie to you & pretend that certain rooms don’t exist.

Well there is one last flaw that sticks out like a sore thumb […]

I thought everyone found “sticks out like a sore thumb” laughable e’er since the Irate Gamer mumbled it in a review.

Sorry: proceed.

[…] and drags the entire game down beyond being saved: Every time you die you get sent back to the start of the dungeon with only three hearts.

I wish I could make fun o’ this or defend him or say something interesting, but… eh… Yeah, it’s annoying — but hardly makes a game “terrible, terrible”. He should be glad the game didn’t force him to replay dungeons ’cause he lost too many lives.

Restarting the player with only three hearts defeats any need to hunt out more hearts, since they’re always going to end up being depleted anyway.

“It’s not like I can get mo’ hearts by breaking all those pots everywhere or cutting all that grass that mysteriously grows in dungeons”.

So the option is either to press on and hoping to find more hearts, or using a potion (though, given how far away the nearest store is to the dungeon entrance, it’s just as much hassle to go back and refill the potions as it is to just press forward and try not to die).

“¿Why can’t Link just call Amazon & have them deliver potions to him right in the dungeon? ¿How backward are these Hyrulians?”

Neither are very good options, since they force the player to waste time doing busywork before they get back to the part they were at.

“The part they were at” being “wasting time doing busywork”, since that’s the bulk o’ Ocarina of Time’s gameplay.

But this mechanic, the sending the player back to the start with only three hearts, is by far the worst part of any game I’ve ever played.

¿What? ¿“[A]ny game I’ve ever played”? I can’t e’en think o’ what game to tell you to play to change your mind, since there’s too many.

It kills the pacing stone dead, leaving me wondering whether I can be arsed slogging through the same tedious garbage in order to get back to where I was.

“This tedious garbage was perfectly fine when I only had to do it once”.

If you hadn’t had ’nough o’ this reviewer filling paragraphs with, “Bring on the hate”, or whatever, well… I am.

It’s annoying, ’cause it seems clear this guy just got frustrated @ this game & vented his anger, rather than providing the kind o’, ahem, mo’ cool-headed, high-level critique that I did.

All I have left to say is, if these were his problems & what he thought were strengths o’ Ocarina of Time, I’d be curious to see his opinion o’ Super Mario 64 or any NES or SNES games. Presumably he hasn’t played many o’ those games, ’cause if he did he’d see that Ocarina of Time wasn’t nearly as “revolutionary” as he thought & its frustrating points weren’t special for it, either.

World A: Valley o’ Bowser’s ( revisited )

¿Have I mentioned that I loved making you go back to the start @ the end ( well, the end o’ the main game )?

King Koopa Kastle ( revisited )

Music: “Bowser’s Castle ( Second Time )”, Super Mario RPG

Ugh. I forgot what a pain this level is — made e’en worse by recording errors that made me have to redo a bunch o’ it, which is why the footage is so uneven. I don’t know if I mentioned it yet, but my method for taking footage is odd: I record Zsnes videos & dump them as avis. This normally is mo’ stable in that I don’t need to worry ’bout rendering mess-ups happening while playing; but on rare occasions Zsnes somehow makes an input mistake @ a point, causing all footage hereafter to be desynced & messed up. This usually leads to an hour o’ footage wherein Luigi keeps entering the level & jumping right into spikes. @ 1 point our rogue Luigibot e’en decided that he was sick o’ this level & decided to hop round randomly in “Ghosts ‘n Goblins”. Can’t blame him too much.

I should admit here that my original mortifying death to Bowser was part o’ that. Most would be thrilled to have a ‘scuse to cut out such embarassment, but since I had a dumb joke to make, I decided to reenact my failure & edit it in. If you look @ said footage, it may look as if I’m making obvious mistakes… till you see the winning footage where I was trying to win & see me make some o’ the same mistakes — just not ‘nough to be killed. I have no idea how I managed to beat all the stuff in the Green Switch but apparently have trouble gainst Bowser.

If you’re curious why I keep insisting on keeping a Mecha Koopa round after the 1st round, e’en going so far as to kill a Mecha Koopa when I only have 1 left & still 1 hit left, it’s a silly speedrun strat ( not e’en the full 1, either ) to make the 2nd, harder section faster & easier. Despite fucking it up so much in the failed attempt ( as I reenact here ), you can see that I still attempt it in the winning run — though a’least I succeeded that time.

Some o’ the deaths in the 1st section are also reenacted. It seems disingenuous, — & I take the authenticity o’ footage ’bout electronic toys with the same seriousness as war photos in major newspapers — but I’d say it’s mo’ honest ’bout the actual experience I had playing the level, which is what I wanted to show. The fact that I lost the footage doesn’t mean that the stuff didn’t happen.

As an easter egg, throughout the level I hid a bunch o’ secret mushroom blocks. I can’t remember if ’twas 30 or 50 I put in, but I could only remember where a few o’ them were, & a few others I found by surprise. I can only guess that the secret mushroom block @ the end o’ the thunder section being solid black, appearing when the screen flashes, was intentional.

This level’s difficulty is incredibly imbalanced. The 1st room is the hardest; past the midway point is a joke. ’Twas annoying, ’cause in my 1st recording I got to the vine ( ¿why are there vines in a castle? ) section quite quickly, only to die in a dumb way by going o’er the ball-&-chain’s block & nudging the top o’ the block with my feet just ’nough to lose my grip o’ the vine & careen right off. After that, it took fore’er to e’en get back to that section. Compared what comes before, the vine section & everything hereafter is easy.

That said, I think the 1st room is the best part o’ the level. I like the mazelike nature o’ the level, & some o’ the jumps are tricky — ’specially the jumps round the Thwomps. My only problem is I think the section under the Thwomps is needless padding. It’s unlikely that if you fall from the Thwomp section you’ll land on solid land — I ne’er did, a’least — so it might as well just be a bottomless pit.

1 note I will make ’bout the video is that despite all the idiotic mistakes I made in what must’ve been mo’ than 3 dozen attempts, including the lost footage, I didn’t once get hurt by the shell the Blue Koopa kicks @ you that you need to bring to the Ball-&-Chain place.

The cloudy section before the vine section is so empty & pointless that I actually forgot ’bout it when I was 1st writing this till editing the video ‘bove. I wish I sped it up in the 2nd run, since it’s far too boring to watch a 2nd time & the video’s already way too long. Sorry.

After the midway point is mixed. The autoscrolling section actually isn’t that bad. Forcing the player to duck & let the edge o’ the screen push them past the spikes @ the start is clever ( but goes on a bit too long ). It’s also why I had to change the safe way to leave this level @ the beginning I mentioned in the 1st part, as the sprite that makes you leave the level by touching the edges o’ the screen for some reason propagates to further subscreens. Other than that, I actually felt pressure to keep up with the screen, rather than in most autoscrollers wherein you spend most o’ your time waiting ( “Donut Plains 2” & “Valley of Bowser 2” come to attention ).

The thunder section looks nice, but has mediocre level design. It has some o’ the most uncreative jumps in a video game: here’s a bunch o’ rows o’ vines, & here’s a bunch o’ cloud platforms that all look the same. Actually, I take back what I said ’bout the section looking nice: the thunder effect looks nice, but the clouds look way too bright & tacky. In these red levels like this & “Sea of Sangre” I turned way too many things red that didn’t look good red.

The water section looks nice, & is a nice callback to the original Super Mario Bros., but is brainlessly easy & mostly just a slow slog, ’specially through those tunnels with the Fish Bones.

The final tower climb has no puzzles you haven’t seen before. It does have the hopping statue sprite, which doesn’t appear anywhere else in this hack; but it oft doesn’t spawn for mysterious reasons. This hack was ne’er good @ sprite management; everyone would always tell me to apply some patch, but none o’ them e’er did anything. This was ‘nother edit I forgot to make: there’s a part where you’re climbing up the vine to the top where a hopping statue finally appears. I wanted to have a word balloon pointing to it that said something like, “Hey, sorry I’m late”.

I have no idea why Peach’s dialogue’s letters are glitchy in some places. I don’t remember that happening before.

Also: no credits. ’Stead, we get yet ’nother Mushroom — ’cept this 1 gives you powerups for free & has the most useless message box in the game. The reason for the lack o’ credits is that, ’cause o’ how I edited the graphics in this game, they became glitchy. Also, it wouldn’t be too accurate, since some o’ the vanilla Super Mario World enemies like Magikoopa or all but 1 ( ¡Spoiler! ) Koopa Kid don’t show up & custom sprites like Birdo or Beezo obviously won’t show in the credits. But moreo’er, the game would end without letting the player save, & I always hated it when games didn’t save you beating the final boss; & this hack was, über alles, ’bout me avoiding all those tropes in video games that I always hated as a kid like not saving beating the final boss or lives & game o’er.

• P-Switch level count: 27 / 45
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 13
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

We’re only 3/4ths through the levels, though. We should still have ’bout 4 or mo’ posts left.

( It’s a better title than what you’ll usually see on Google — like “Ocarina of Time is OVERRATED THERE I SAID IT pls dont kill me”, which might be the optimal way to make oneself look as stupid as possible. )

¿Remember when everyone bitched ’bout that Earthbound ripoff ’bout how we should cuddle-puddle each other fore’er won GameFAQs’s shallow beauty contest? The only reason I cared was ’cause I was glad that it beat a game e’en less interesting, Ocarina of Time. I cannot understand why people like this game so much, not in comparison to some slick new Zelda game, but compared to the 1st. Ocarina of Time is a joke compared to the 1st, & it’s sad how dumbed down the series had become hereafter.

Story

Ocarina of Time is similar to Final Fantasy IV in that people seem to like it for being cinematic — ’cept with shittier writing, shittier visuals, & costs much mo’ than the average movie. Video games will ne’er be as good @ being movies as movies, so maybe they should stop trying to be movies & try to be games.

It annoys me when I see someone pretentiously tell me ’bout how “epic” Ocarina of Time’s story is, ’specially compared to dumb ol’ Mario. The fact that they use the word “epic” as a superlative proves they don’t know what “good” writing is. The fact is, it has the same childish story as Mario: hero saves world from villain. Mario’s just less up-its-ass ’bout it & wastes less o’ my time with it ( though, to be fair, Super Mario 64’s opening is unbearably long & pointless, too ). I can respect Mario’s humble acknowledgment that it’s just a dumb ’scuse plot, & I can respect, say, Franz Kafka or Haruki Murakami as actual brilliant writing; Ocarina of Time is just hokey writing pretending it’s brilliant, & tries to cover that fact by making it go on & on, which only makes it worse. Zelda games should just start with me in the middle o’ a forest with a sword & let me explore; I don’t need hours o’ cutscenes giving me “motivation” to play a game any mo’ than I needed story motivation to play Tetris.

For god’s sake, Ocarina of Time actually gives the fucking tree father figure a ye olde English accent. ¿When was the last time a fantasy story could do that & still be taken seriously? But people truly want to convince me this is better writing than Mario’s ( or the original Zelda’s ) lame “not wasting my time with stupidity”. They have an owl that the developers themselves knew was annoying & wasted your time, & did it on purpose. They purposely made the game less fun as some dumb joke.

Also, I love how the world’s greatest literature is usually bound to the strengths o’ the heroes & ( especially ) villains, but Ocarina of Time has a flat villain who’s just evil for evil’s sake — the most lazy & childish way to write a villain that ( intelligent )¹ fantasy has run ’way from since the 50s — & the hero’s a personality-less mime. Mario’s got mo’ character than Link — & he’s just a mentally-disabled obese Italian with some kind o’ Tourette’s syndrome that activates whenever he jumps. Bowser has mo’ personality than Ganondorf. A’least he seems to be having fun, whereas Ganondorf’s only personality is bland anger @ being bested by “a mere kid” & “Look @ how deep a villain I am: I play the piano”.

The funny thing ’bout this game is that, like Earthbound Beginnings, I could better tolerate reading all I could ’bout this game in walkthroughs & wikis than I could playing the actual game. As I will mention near the end o’ this post, there are some interesting bits to this game. This makes sense: story-based games are usually mo’ tolerable in shortened text form ’cause they are mostly just text, just full o’ boring fluff & in terrible UI. Games are just terrible mediums for reading text compared to websites or books; books let me read as quickly as I want, & let me skip ‘head or go back to any place; & all you have to do is move your eyes or flip pages or click links. Games — ‘specially Ocarina of Time, which e’en fans admit has terribly slow text boxes — make you mash to A button or slowly wait for the letters to all appear, ’cause they can’t just put all the text on screen @ once, that wouldn’t be “cinematic”. Yeah, Ocarina of Time lets you make the text scroll faster with the B button ( sometimes, seemingly randomly ) — too fast, so that you can’t possibly read it all in time. There’s no good balance: it’s either too slow or too fast. Books & websites don’t have this problem.

Which is to say: video games will ne’er be as good @ being books as books, so maybe they should stop trying to be books & try to be games.

Influence

Sticking with the comparison to Mario, what truly annoys me ’bout people who hold Ocarina of Time as the greatest game e’er is their condescending claim that you have to “understand” that Zelda was the “1st” to do 3-D “right” & that all modern games owe it.

’Cept, no: anyone who knows anything knows that Super Mario 64 was the 1st 3-D game that did it right & Ocarina of Time owes its ass to Mario 64. Furthermo’, compared to what an advance Super Mario 64 was to the Mario series, Ocarina of Time was such a letdown. I’d go far ’nough to say that Super Mario 64 didn’t just do better for its respective series; it did Zelda better than the actual Zelda game.

The 1 significant difference ’tween Ocarina of Time & earlier Zelda games is that Ocarina of Time wastes mo’ time with boring garbage. Otherwise, it’s heavily derivative o’ A Link to the Past, but worse. Its o’erworld is a thousand times worse than A Link to the Past’s, which is worse than the original Zelda’s; its dungeons are less creative than A Link to the Past; its controls are clunkier. Contrast this with Super Mario 64, which truly was its own game, radically different from Super Mario World, or any other game. Super Mario 64 literally created its own genre — 3-D platformer collectathons — that acted as Rare’s bread & butter for the rest o’ their stay @ Nintendo’s, & people have the gall to say that Ocarina of Time was the “influential” 1.

Ocarina of Time does pad out a lot o’ time with mind-numbing fetch quests & terrible, cliché fantasy writing. I was joking to myself while still on my way to getting the sword ( & people complained ’bout the 1st game making you go into a cave on the 1st screen to get your sword ), “I’d already be in the 1st dungeon in the 1st game”. I ne’er understand why modern games take so long to get to actual gameplay — no, mindless tutorials don’t count; it has to actually be fun, & talking to a bunch o’ dipshit elves & crouching through a tunnel to get a sword isn’t fun. Video games should follow the same rule as literature: if it fails to get good within the 1st 10 minutes, it sucks, try something else. But Ocarina of Time stays this way throughout the entire game: I can only admit that ’bout maybe 5% o’ it is good, smothered in hours & hours o’ banality. For a short while you can have a li’l fun exploring a dungeon, only to have to talk to a bunch o’ idiots or hear some long-winded story ripped off from someone’s D&D campaign.

I guess you could say that Zelda did have some influence on modern gaming, but it’s all bad. Also, I’m not sure if it was truly an “influencer” or just in the middle o’ a pattern that was already emerging. A lot o’ modern games share Ocarina of Time’s love for wasting players’ time with low-quality padding, in contrast to older games ( or Mario games ), which were mo’ concise. Meanwhile, these modern games are more oft hailed as “mature” or “serious” — & when video games are described that way, that usually means they’re tedious, but without the intellectual quality exhibited in actually serious literature.

I came up with a criteria for rating a game’s quality: the mo’ time the game spends running without me actually playing — so long as I didn’t consciously pause it — the worse it is. Games are meant to be played, not watched or read. But that’s what Ocarina of Time is full o’: long cutscenes o’ Link opening a fucking treasure chest for the 10th fucking time as if I’m such a goldfish that I’ll still be impressed. I’m not: I’m bored. Imagine reading a book wherein the narrator repeats 2 paragraphs o’ text every time a character opened a chest. I’d say something ’long the lines for TV, but I guess a lot o’ cheap mainstream anime shows repeat animations o’ characters transforming every episode — & they suck just as much. It’s the very definition o’ “padding”, & padding is fundamentally bad. That the s’posedly greatest game e’er has so many fundamental flaws is bewildering. It makes me scream to the world, “¿Truly? ¿This game out o’ them all?”

When I see people talk ’bout what made Ocarina of Time s’posedly so good, it’s usually vague terms like that ’twas “epic” or “like nothing e’er done then” or “had that magic”, much like Final Fantasy IV. What I think Ocarina of Time had was what many call “style o’er substance”. For instance, many praise Ocarina of Time for its day-&-night system, e’en though it’s only a way to force players to waste time waiting for places to open. ( TV Tropes goes far to say, “It’s still so ubiquitous that new players barely notice it, until they get stuck outside at night”, which is wrong on the 1st point, & the 2nd point happens so oft, you’re going to notice it ).

& then you get this li’l burst o’ 5-year-ol’ excitement from that same TV Tropes page:

You begin to fight them, exchange a few blows, when the entire boat starts to tremble and shake! What is going on? Games don’t do this!

“¡Holy shit! ¡shaking boats? ¡How’d they get the technology for such a thing in 1998?” It makes me wonder ’gain & ’gain: ¿Did all these people who talk ’bout all these amazing things Ocarina of Time did that “no game did before” ne’er play all the games I grew up with, before 1998? ¿Had they ne’er played Super Mario 64 or any SNES game? ¿Have they ne’er played any PlayStation game?

They accuse me o’ having not “been there @ the time” like I’m some hip young cat with his Undertales & Night in the Woodses. But I think they were the ones who weren’t there @ the time, or don’t remember well. I was there. I remember how awed I was when I 1st heard my older brother describe to me the inside o’ Peach’s castle in Super Mario 64 while playing Mario Kart 64 & my awe when I finally got to see it myself & all the secrets it held. I was ne’er impressed by Ocarina of Time; I wasn’t e’en interested in it. I rented Mario Party dozens o’ times, but ne’er Ocarina of Time, ’cause a’least those games had an interesting gameplay mechanic ( well, till they pulverized the dead horse into atoms & then incenerated the atoms after mo’ than 8 games ). I don’t e’en remember if I e’er watched my older brother play it. I know he had it — ’twas the 1st game he had when we got an N64 ( which is why I always thought it came out much earlier than 1998 ). But if I did watch him, I don’t remember anything, just as how I don’t remember anything now after having tried to get past the 1st few dungeons & giving up in boredom or watching online playthroughs or reading maps. ¿You want to know how boring Ocarina of Time is? E’en its speedruns are boring. E’en they feel slow, & the player skips almost everything. The movement still looks slow, e’en when the player pulls off glitches to make Link fast-glide ‘cross the field. It’s anemic in its tediousness — you can’t cure it.

This is funny, too, since I read so many fans admit that the graphics are the 1 thing that hasn’t aged well. So the 1 thing that s’posedly made this game stand out was the 1 thing that isn’t good “anymo’”? ( In truth, ’twas ne’er good, as I’ll get into later ). Contrast that with Super Mario 64, whose controls still influence modern games & whose controls are still amazing — in fact, better than many modern games. That’s the game whose only flawed element due to age is its graphics ( & maybe its camera ).

¿So why does Super Mario 64 not deserve the title o’ greatest game? ( Or perhaps 1 o’ its earlier 2-D games; for some reason, people who defend Ocarina’s status take as pure-faith assumption that transitioning a series to 3-D is the best thing a game can do ’bove all else ). Probably the same reason Mario in general is taken less seriously than Zelda: it’s not up its ass ’bout itself. It focuses on actual gameplay, which sane people would view as the most important element o’ a video game; but in the inane world o’ artiste reviewers, that’s much less important than story or how blandly “serious” a game can be, no matter how bad they’re done. As I mentioned way back in my Super Paper Mario, bad drama trumps quality silliness in the minds o’ the pretentious — those looking to look the most intelligent & “serious” with the simplest o’ criteria.

Indeed, we could question the criteria used to defend Ocarina of Time as “the greatest game o’ all time”. Many praise it for being 1 o’ the few series to transition to 3-D well. Let’s ignore how wrong that is & question why that’s o’ vital importance. ¿What’s so special ’bout 3-D? It’s not as if great 2-D games aren’t still made. People also claim that Ocarina of Time was great for its time; ¿but what makes its time so special? ¿What ’bout 1998 makes it superior to any other year? Doom was the most influential & most advanced game o’ its time, the early 90s; ¿why isn’t it the best game e’er? ¿’Cause 1993 isn’t as important as 1998?

If we were to base the “greatest game o’ all time” on influence, the winner would definitely have to be Super Mario Bros. That’s the game that saved the NES, & thus single-handedly saved the whole gaming industry in the US. That was the 1st widely popular video game with mo’ than just a few screens o’ gameplay — the 1st video game “novel” in an environment o’ just arcade-style short stories.

O’erworld

¿What made the 1st Zelda game so great? The memorable o’erworld that was so fun to explore. 1 cool thing ’bout the 1st game that newer games inexplicably don’t have is that you could explore virtually the whole o’erworld @ the start & you had a lot o’ control o’er the sequence o’ dungeons you completed without having to rely on glitches.

Super Mario 64, meanwhile, has the incredibly memorable castle full o’ secrets — the secret slide, the rabbits, the desert level that disguised its level portrait as a plain wall, the courtyard that was eerily empty till you got ’nough stars for it to swarm with ghosts, the largest o’ which held a level entrance in a cage.

¿So what does Ocarina of Time have? Large plots o’ plain grass. It’s so pitiful the game gives you a horse just so you can skip most o’ it.

EXCITING GAMEPLAY

O, sorry, you also get JPEG backgrounds for towns with fixed cameras. So you get the same limits as the ol’ 2-D games, but, bewilderingly, shittier graphics. Super Mario 64 deserves props for not resorting to that schlock, unlike Ocarina of Time & Final Fantasy VII.

Controls

This is ’nother place where Super Mario 64 beats Ocarina of Time down. A lot o’ people claim that Ocarina of Time was the 1st to get 3-D controls right. ’Gain, Super Mario 64 was. In fact, Ocarina of Time used the same engine as Super Mario 64. Ocarina of Time owes its ass to Super Mario 64. ¿& what does it do while hoist on these high shoulders? It, amazingly, throws ’way a lot o’ Super Mario 64’s lessons, despite coming out 2 years afterward, as if the developers contracted amnesia.

Super Mario 64 had amazing controls: Mario could do all kinds o’ gymnastics that made him just so fun to control. The 3D Zelda games, meanwhile, have the dumbest fucking method for jumping e’er: run off a cliff & hope Link decides to jump — or hope he doesn’t stupidly jump if you’re trying to fall into a hole. This actually becomes a huge nuisance when moving on small platforms as dipshit Link will oft jump clear off if I so much as go near the edge. Having the game do something so context-heavy automatically is a dumb idea; just give me a button to choose when to do it so I’m playing an actual game & not arguing with it. The 2-D Zelda games, which are much better, also don’t do something so stupid: they give you a Roc’s feather that allows you to jump as any sane game would let you, by pressing a button when you want to jump. & this was since Link’s Awakening, which came out 5 years earlier.

In general, Ocarina of Time feels clunkier & slower, which is worsened by the lame world design with large plots o’ empty space. This is a problem a lot o’ modern games with mo’ memory than creativity have: they have huge open spaces, but nothing compelling in them, so I spend copious time just holding up on the control stick & mashing B with my head tilted in boredom. I love how so many games have me just mashing buttons impatiently waiting for them to actually become interesting; it’d be nice to have a game that was only the interesting parts — that had some semblance o’ quality control. ¿But who needs “kill your darlings” or “cut the fat” when you can have “mo’ than 60 hours o’ gameplay™”?

E’en Ocarina of Time’s camera is worse than Super Mario 64’s, which is amazing, since Super Mario 64 had a terrible camera itself. ’Gain, Nintendo so early realized how great the C buttons were for controlling the camera; Ocarina of Time saves 3 o’ them for just item slots. Meanwhile, all I can do is press C-up to go into 1st-person view or press Z to make the camera face where Link’s facing — so long as there are no enemies for that stupid Z-targeting to cling to.

After all, it’s vitally important that you be able to press C-down to present a chicken to whoever that pointless NPC sleeping @ Hyrule Castle was Mario, since there’s no way for the game to know that I obviously want to do that, e’en though that’s the only reason the chicken’s there & that’s the only thing to do with bootleg Mario. As I said before, it’s lots o’ mindless button pressing.

I see a lot o’ people praise “Z-targeting” as “revolutionary”, which is silly, since most games don’t have it & don’t need it. Z-targeting is simply a way to avoid having to actually aim so you don’t get bogged down in actual battles & thus have mo’ time for tedious sidequests. The Z-targeting is wonky, too, since it oft aims @ what you don’t want it to aim @ & requires you to slash your sword or something else odd to get rid o’ it, rather than cycling off with ’nother press o’ the Z button.

E’en with Z-targeting, the clumsy camera screws you o’er. ’Twas common for me to struggle with the Z button, unable to see beyond right next to Link & unable to reach the bats too high up, only for a bat to swoop down from ’hind me, & this could’ve been solved if there had just been a way to scroll the camera back.

I know this sounds nitpicky for an ol’ game; — &, to be fair, it’s a minor problem — but my point is that Super Mario 64 had much fewer camera problems & people specifically praise this game as the “greatest game o’ all time” ’cause it s’posedly revolutionized camera-work in 3-D games by having 1 inferior to an earlier game that was wisely ignored by most later 3-D games.

Level Design

Everyone praises Ocarina of Time’s dungeons, but I couldn’t e’en remember the 1s I played or saw, other than that the tree dungeon involved burning some webs & going back through some web @ the beginning. I guess that’s kinda cool, but has nothing on the original Zelda’s o’erworld or hardly any dungeon in A Link to the Past. Dodongo’s Cavern just had a bunch o’ lame puzzles like putting a bomb in the middle o’ a bunch o’ others, bombing a skull’s eyes ( which is such an arbitrary, pointless “puzzle” that the game just outright tells you to do it ), & pushing blocks into holes or places. I also love the rising & falling platforms right @ the start that do nothing but waste your time. That’s why they call it “Ocarina of Time” — it’s main theme is wasting time. & nobody likes Jabu-Jabu.

What I’ve listed are the 1st 3 dungeons, & should include all the other tedious bullshit, like getting the sword, sneaking into Hyrule Castle, wandering empty fields, talking to dumbass Gorons, talking to some fairy, wandering lakesides, talking to fish monsters, all up till after the long cutscenes o’ Link pulling the Master Sword & being expositioned @ by the sages pointlessly telling him to collect the next 5 McGuffins. I think on average that’s a’least… ¿10 hours? & none o’ it’s good. The game takes o’er 10 hours on average to get halfway interesting. This is the same problem A Link to the Past has, which also doesn’t get good till you reach the Dark World, but to a greater extent, ’cause Ocarina of Time is much slower & wastes your time with mo’ exposition. Ocarina of Time takes it to a ridiculous level.

Compare to our other games. The 1st Legend of Zelda starts in the best level: the o’erworld. It should take a half hour @ most to find the 1st dungeon. Hell, it takes on average 9 hours to beat the entire game. In the time it takes you to trudge through the obnoxiously boring kid Link part o’ Ocarina of Time you can get the entire experience o’ The Legend of Zelda, packed full o’ interesting gameplay. But in the world o’ modern gaming, quantity o’er quality ( ¿How else can we put that sticker on the box that says “¡60 hours o’ gameplay!”? ).

¿What else? Super Mario 64’s best levels are also in the final 3rd, but it doesn’t start nearly as weak ( though, I will admit that while the castle is fun to explore, the front lawn is empty space that could’ve been cut out — though it’s not as much a waste o’ time as Hyrule Fields ). & it takes li’l time to open up Super Mario 64’s world. ¿Don’t like “Bob-omb Battlefield”? Just get 1 star. 2 mo’ stars & you have 4 levels open. After a mere 8 & beating the 1st boss level & fight, you open up 3 mo’ levels, & so on… I’ve ne’er heard anyone get impatient with Super Mario 64 ’cause it does what a good game should: fills it mostly with interesting gameplay ( read: not wandering empty fields & talking to people ) & opens up your options soon. But Ocarina of Time is the greatest o’ all time…

¿So what does the game offer after 10 hours o’ tedium? Not anything remarkable. I read quite a few people claim the Forest Temple was the best, but that seemed to be mostly due to “atmosphere” & probably a li’l story ’bout Saria — a character you know almost nothing ’bout & I didn’t care anything ’bout. ( Though this game has plenty o’ dialogue, hardly any o’ it is used to develop any characters, making the writing e’en mo’ infuriatingly bad. For 1, a lot o’ it is spent on useless characters, like cocky dipshit fairy boy or that guard you give Zelda’s letter to. Many video games get this strange idea that many underdeveloped characters are mo’ interesting than a few fully fleshed out characters ). So it’s style without substance. All I saw were slow hookshot, arrow, & block puzzles ( the latter 2 had been done ’nough already ). The weird turning hallway would’ve been interesting if ’twere used for mo’ than a second’s straight walk ( so it’s useless padding ) & the block smashing puzzle… was interesting for this game, but would be average for the average SNES RPG, leading me to believe further that people who say Ocarina of Time was the best game o’ its time had ne’er played an SNES game or any other N64 game or any other game ’cept for maybe Pong.

The Fire Temple is amazingly e’en mo’ bland than “Dodongo’s Cavern”, with key puzzles, mo’ hookshot puzzles, timed switches, generic Indiana Jones traps, & lots & lots o’ slow climbing. The only mildly interesting part was this 1 door that tries to attack you & tiles that rise & spin @ you — the latter o’ which was taken straight out o’ A Link to the Past, but are made trivial here since you can just hold your shield up to block them all.

The Water Temple… ¿Do I need to talk ’bout this 1? Everyone already admits this 1’s tedious. It’s somehow both amazing & fitting that a game as slow & time-wasting as this ups the hand on slowness for its water level — it just had to. People defended this level as “mind-bending”. The only thing that bends your mind in this temple is boredom from watching Link slowly ascend or slowly descend in water after slowly going into the menu & changing boots, ’gain & ’gain & ’gain & ’gain. ’Twas so bad, they had to fix the last part in the 3DS remake. Too bad the rest is just as slow.

Most o’ the puzzles in the Shadow Temple involve simply having the right items, 1 o’ which you get in this temple itself. The only interesting puzzles I saw were the 1s where you had to collect all the rupees while avoiding the blades to open the next door. This 1 was also a fan favorite, mainly for, ’gain, the atmosphere. Also, this temple has bullshit air floor, ’cause that kind o’ obscure bullshit is what we truly needed to keep from the original game. If you’re wondering, no, Ocarina of Time wasn’t e’en close to the 1st game to have rising & falling guillotines; but I’m sure there are some defenders who’ll insinuate something such. “¡O my god! ¡Games aren’t s’posed to do this ’cept many o’ them already have!”

The Spirit Temple… fuck… It’s, ¿what? ¿A bunch o’ ocarina puzzles ( yet ‘nother puzzle that requires no intelligence or skill ) & some “reflect light to hit certain other things” puzzles. I guess that was the 1st time this was done in 3-D.

¡O! ¿Didn’t this have a puzzle where you had to shoot an arrow through a torch to hit some unlit torches ‘cross the room? That was authentically clever & cool.

I have no idea what people are talking ’bout when they claim that Ocarina of Time has brilliant dungeon design. ¿Compared to what? ¿The 1st Zelda? A Link to the Past had far cleverer puzzles, & had far greater variety. It’d take fore’er to count the # o’ games that had been out by then that had better level design in general — I’d count Super Mario 64, for sure. It didn’t make you slowly push blocks or shoot eyes a hundred times.

Honestly, this is a problem that always plagues Zelda games. E’en A Link to the Past, Link’s Awakening, & the Oracle games didn’t have amazing puzzles. I’ve seen better puzzles than in all those games in a bunch o’ RPGs, like, say, Lufia II, or adventure games, like the Monkey Island games. As I’ve already mentioned a bunch o’ times, most o’ the “puzzles” in Ocarina of Time require no intellgience or skill, & are just a bunch o’ mindless grunt work: remember some song to play in some spot, hit an eye with an arrow, push some blocks. This is why I always prefered the 1st game: a’least its o’erworld gave it something it excelled @. I ne’er understood how people could talk ’bout Zelda games as if they were mind-bending, as opposed to dumb ol’ Mario, which a’least was brilliant @ action-based level design. Zelda games feel mo’ like “baby’s 1st adventure game’, which is all right — Kirby games are “baby’s 1st platformer”, & I still find them a blast. But imagine how ludicrous most people would find it if someone claimed that Kirby’s Adventure was the height o’ brilliant game design. You might as well call Freddi Fish the greatest game e’er.

In fact, I’d go far ‘nough to say that Super Mario World, a’least, which came out, like, 7 years before had smarter puzzles than Ocarina of Time came close to having. Noticing the edge o’ the rising crusher could be used as a platform @ the end o’ “Valley of Bowser 2” ( which is otherwise a slog o’ an autoscroller ) or realizing you could Yoshi jump under the goal o’ “Cheese Bridge Area” is certainly cleverer than reflecting sunlight off shields & shooting an arrow through fire @ bombs.

A key problem with Ocarina’s dungeon design is that there’s no coherency ’mong them. They’re mostly just assortments o’ bland block-pushing, eye-shooting, or hookshot-shooting puzzles. I could hardly remember the dungeons before, & after my recent refresher, I’m sure I’ll forget them ’gain.

It’s not that Ocarina of Time‘s dungeon design is atrocious. But, ‘gain, this is s’posed to be the greatest game o’ all time. Think ’bout how competitive that competition is & how underwhelimg Ocarina of Time was @ the time. & we’re talking ’bout the dungeon design, which is s’posed to be 1 o’ Ocarina of Time‘s high points. It doesn’t help that, as I mentioned, you have to get through 10 hours o’ slog to get to these dungeons that could best be describes as “OK”. That’s 10 hours o’ dire boredom for mo’ puzzles o’ shooting arrows @ eyeballs & playing songs on your Ocarina.

Ocarina of Time also has the blandest level themes o’ any game. Adult Link gets forest, fire, water, darkness, & “spirit”, which is sorta like darkness. Kid Link gets… forest, fire, & the 1 slightly interesting theme, inside a monster’s stomach. Not only does it have the most generic o’ level themes, it repeats them. E’en the 1st Zelda game was mo’ creative with its map-sign motifs. Super Mario 64 could a’least sometimes venture out into weirder themes, like “Wet Dry World” or “Tick Tock Clock”. That’s not to say that Super Mario 64 didn’t dwell too much on stock themes ( though, I’ve just noticed, Super Mario 64 shockingly didn’t have a forest level @ all ). The fact that most o’ them are dungeons with brick walls hurts, too — though that’s a common problem with Zelda games that’s existed since the 1st game.

The true blasphemy comes when I admit that the Spyro games had much mo’ interesting level designs than either o’ those games. Banjo-Tooie did, too; but then you had to tolerate its actual gameplay & all its fetch-quest bullshit.

Graphics

’Gain, I’m not saying, “Duh, Ocarina of Time looks uglier than Twilight Princess”. ( That’s be wrong, too, since Twilight Princess took Ocarina of Time’s ugliness to its extreme. )

Ocarina of Time isn’t just ugly ’cause it has fewer polygons than the newest game, but ’cause it’s art style aims for ugliness — drabness, boringness. Quite the opposite: Ocarina of Time was ugly ’cause it tried to look realistic, e’en though it’s a fantasy story where you play as someone who looks like an elf.

’Gain, compare its graphics to those o’ the 1st Zelda: while the 1st Zelda was bright & colorful, Ocarina of Time is full o’ hideous grays, browns, & dull yellow-greens.

A lot o’ people pretentious ’nough to call themselves “gamers” would call this “mature”, which only shows they don’t know what that word means. “Maturity” in an electronic toy is the stupidest thing in the world. If you want to be mature, get a job & actually produce something; ’less you’re some expert speedrunner playing for charity, which is the tiny minority o’ the population, playing games is inherently a form o’ consumption, not production. It’s a toy for frivolous play. ’Cept other toys a’least acknowledge that & try to do a good job being fun. But in the idiotic world o’ video games, where a console gets made fun o’ for being a color other than gray, black, or that putrid fucking iPod white, that’s impossible.

Here’s where we see that Ocarina of Time did, indeed, have an influence on the gaming world, much as Final Fantasy IV — a terrible 1. I think Nintendo now so vociferously makes fun o’ “real is brown” ’cause they know they influenced it through their Ocarina of Time-like Zelda games ( modern Zelda games not including Wind-Waker-likes, which a’least look colorful, e’en if their gameplay is still linear & boring ).

Ganondorf is fucking terrible. ’Stead o’ a giant pig monster we get some dweeb who looks like he’s in cosplay. You have no idea how let down I’ve always felt that they have this doofus in Smash Bros. & not the real Ganon.

The areas are e’en uglier. Like I said, lots o’ browns & grays, with the blandest green e’er. Compare this map o’ the graveyard in Ocarina of Time, which looks like any other field, but with a few graves in it, to the graveyard in the 1st game, which had a ghostly wintry palette all o’er it:

It’s amazing that they were able to give so much mo’ style & creativity in the limited palette o’ the 1st game than a game with full 24-bit color. & this wasn’t ’cause they weren’t able to in this new 3-D world: While Super Mario 64 also looked kinda crappy, Mario Kart 64 had much mo’ color ( well, ’cept “Choco Mountain” ), & that game came out earlier than Ocarina of Time. The 1st Spyro game had already been out, & its levels were brimming with color.

Pictured: a better fantasy game.

Its Fanbase

The only thing worse than Ocarina of Time is its fanbase. These fuckers are so crazy they tell people to kill themselves if they criticize this game. If you’re that obsessed with a fucking electric toy that you tell people to kill themselves ’cause they have different opinions, you’re a fucking worthless nutcase & should ne’er be allowed to touch video games e’er ’gain till you develop a’least a modicum o’ sane social skills.

Also, apparently anyone who criticizes the game is a “troll” — & I’m not talking ’bout people who go on Zelda fan sites, who are, indeed, just looking for attention, but people who give their own opinion on general gaming sites or their own blogs ( going onto other people’s blogs & calling them trolls requires bottom-levels o’ self-awareness ). If “I think some popular video game isn’t good” is your idea o’ aberrant ideas, you haven’t talked to many people.

Then you get weird cultish shit, like this thread on a Zelda forum wherein this guy imagines everyone else — all fervent Zelda fans — bashing Ocarina of Time like McCarthy, to which everyone responds assuring him that they couldn’t imagine someone bashing the greatest game o’ all time & not responding as a sane person with, “¿Are you on drugs? ¿What’s your problem?”

Which makes you wonder: ¿if Ocarina of Time is such an obviously great game, why is its fanbase so touchy ’bout criticism? The general “narrative” on the Ocarina of Time vs. Undertale debacle was that you had a game s’posedly loved by the “silent majority” vs. some hipster new game with an obsessed fanbase that schemed to take its title on some unimportant website. But it seems to me that Ocarina of Time is no different: its fanbase is just as mindlessly obsessed.

1 o’ the reasons I can’t comprehend why this game’s so beloved is that nobody’s e’er given a halfway decent rationale. It’s either “perfect” ( well, ’cept for the graphics — which is the weakest o’ this game’s problems; the 3DS remake is no better ) or “epic” or “just has that magic”, just like Final Fantasy IV. It’s like living in a world where everyone insists that 2 + 2 = 5 & I’m desperately asking everyone, “¿How? This makes no sense. Give me the insight I lack — please, I must know”, & they just reply with, “The answer is ‘zebra’”. ’Cept the question here is the subjective quality o’ some dumb game, not questions o’ fundamental math, so I just type up some dumb post & get on with my life.

Still, the epiphany comes: they’re wrong — all wrong. There is no rational reason to think Ocarina of Time is good. ¡’Cause it isn’t! ¡It’s all been a lie! It’s like discovering a deep political conspiracy. I want to shout onto the mountains like a prophet, “¡Guys! ¡You’ve all been lied to this entire time! ¡Ocarina of Time is a terrible game!”

I also love what bitter assholes they are ’bout it. If someone were to ask me why, say, Super Mario 64, to take a popular example, is so good, or e’en — ¡gasp! — admit that they thought it chewed assholes, I’d want to fervently tell them ’bout all the happiness its fun levels & controls fill me with, not suddenly turn sour like milk, give them a bitter eye, & say in a grizzled voice, “¿What? ¿You don’t like this game? ¿What are you, some commie Jew?”

But, no, ’course that wouldn’t be the case for Ocarina of Time fans ’cause they play Ocarina of Time, & that game doesn’t fill anyone with happiness but soul-sucking drudgery. ¿So how bitter must you be if you’ve gone through all that & some jagoff comes up to you & says, “’Scape. ’Scape the tedium”? It’s like bitter parents who employ the same irrational punishments their own parents gave to them, e’en though they acknowledge it’s unjust: “I had to suffer through Ocarina of Time; you have to, too”. & here’s this radical anarchist trying to tell people they don’t have to — that they can smash the capitalism o’ Ocarina of Time. It’s… it’s sinful, to be honest.

But progress has ne’er come without a li’l sin.

Hilariously ’nough, a lot o’ them will admit that Ocarina of Time hasn’t aged well. Whenever someone admits that, they’re essentially admitting that their love for a game is based purely on nostalgia, nothing mo’. Good games are always good, & games that are no longer good were ne’er good, simply o’erhyped @ the time. Games like Pac-Man, Super Mario Bros., the original The Legend of Zelda are still good, & will always be good.

The Good Parts

Like with JavaScript, this is a short list.

The final battle was kind o’ cool, I guess — not a rehash o’ the Forest Temple fight gainst Ganondork, but the fight gainst the real Ganon. E’en better than the final Bowser fight in Super Mario 64, which was just Rainbow Bowser with 2 extra hit points & organ music.

It’s too bad you have to sift through hours o’ tedium to get to it.

I also actually liked the Skulltulas, as they actually reward you from exploring areas outside o’ the path toward the next dungeon or fetch quest location. I always thought Zelda games would work better if they had mo’ collectathon elements; too oft Zelda games have big tracts o’ area with no purpose ( the Light World in A Link to the Past is a prime offender ).

Also, I give Majora’s Mask points for a’least having a creative gimmick & much mo’ interesting atmosphere. It’s what Ocarina of Time should’ve been: an actual new Zelda game, rather than a cheap knock-off o’ A Link to the Past in 3-D.

Music

Finally, I ne’er talked ’bout the music, ’cause, while it can sometimes get into “here’s my bland but super serious orchestra masterpiece” ( the Shadow temple theme, for example ), many o’ the songs are catchy & fun. I think I’d consider Majora’s Mask‘s to be better, though. The Fire Temple theme I want to particularly emphasize, since its actual speech in the background ( some Islamic chants in Arabic from some open source music library ) sounds legitimately impressive for its time & is legitimately unsettling. I oft read people puff up some song as being incredibly creepy or scary ( ‘specially on TV Tropes, where there’s no standards & people will call the most banal things scary with the most contrived logic ), only to listen & hear generic “Ooooo” music ( I’d like to reference the Shadow Temple theme ‘gain ). But the Fire Temple’s song truly unsettled me — to the point that I had to turn if off while writing this ’cause it kept distracting me. When a song makes me turn it off so I can focus on writing these music praises ’cause I want to focus on it too much, it must be good.

It’s too bad Nintendo fucked it up & ruined the song in all versions after the very 1st. I understand getting rid o’ the Islamic element, since that was clearly accidental ( they clearly just used what they thought was random chants without any idea o’ what the content was — otherwise they should’ve put it in the Spirit Temple with the Gerudos ); ¿but would it have been that hard to find a different chant or to make 1 up themselves?

I also found the Forest Temple theme to sound nice, e’en if it does, in the words o’ 1 YouTube comment, consist o’ noises o’ Lanky Kong getting beaten up.

I don’t think I need to talk ’bout Saria’s song or the “Song of Storms”, since everyone already knows ’bout them. It’d be like telling you all ’bout how great “Stickerbrush Symphony” is.

Some Story Elements

I know I bashed the story for being cliché fantasy tripe with bland characterization told through searingly boring textboxes. I still stand by that; but there were subtle touches where Ocarina of Time managed to actually become somewhat interesting in the huge slog.

I do like how the world changes after Link coma-warps to Dr. Robotnik’s bad future, such as how Zora Lake, or whatever it’s called, is frozen o’er, or how you’re almost immediately greeted in the market with an infestation o’ Redeads. This is great storytelling: you don’t need long-ass cutscenes telling me in detail all the evil Ganondorf’s evilness caused on the whole world; just show dark skies & decaying, hollow towns infested with zombies. That tells the story all by itself.

Granted, I still think the fact that Ganondorf makes everything bad simple ’cause he’s “evil” is stupid & makes no sense.

Also, the way you actually end up fucking things up worse by grabbing the coma-inducing Master Sword as per Zelda’s bad advice is interesting, ‘specially on replays ( if one could tolerate playing ‘nother time ). Some might complain that it’s stupid that they do it or that Link just leaves the Temple of Time wide open like Kramer Jerry’s door; but it makes sense that they wouldn’t think ’bout this. One may also complain ’bout how dumb it is that the player can’t stop it, like forcing Link to close the door or something, but I think it’s an interesting bit o’ dramatic irony that only video games could do that the player has to fulfill what they know will only cause disaster. It’s like the cringe you feel when reading a tragedy & want to yell @ Macbeth to not trust the witches’ “prophesy”, but, ‘course, can’t. Granted, this surely wasn’t the 1st time some game has done something like this. After all, “hero stupidly brings McGuffins for ultimate power to villain just to save his girlfriend” is an RPG cliché.

End It All

See, everyone likes to claim that Ocarina of Time made Zelda 1 o’ the few games to transition to 3D well back in the mid 90s; they’re wrong: The Legend of Zelda ne’er has.

Bonus

Ha, ha: e’en Ocarina of Time’s main creator, Eiji Aonuma, thought it sucked.

Then ’gain, I remember when Mario fans got in a huge hissy fit when Miyamoto said he was embarassed by Super Mario Bros. 3. If that’s true, I wondered why he didn’t do anything to tone down the people ’hind the New Super Mario Bros. games shamelessly xeroxing it — in all smudging grayscale 5th-hand-copy glory.

O, wait, I do know: money. Ne’er mind.

Bonus II

Having yet to have a chance to play it, I’ve yet to develop an educated opinion on Breath of the Wild, which I’ve read on quite a few pumpkin vines is s’posed to be mo’ like the 1st game, but without the bad dusty NES parts. ( Admit it: the NES had a lot o’ bad dusty parts, like lack o’ saving or making things ridiculously difficult to hide the fact that the game only has 5 levels ). It’s doing something different for once. My only problem is that from what I’ve seen, the o’erworld looks like mostly empty terrain, which is the very problem Ocarina of Time had. It seems people praise it for having a “huge” o’erworld, merely in size, not in detail. This is a particular problem I have with games like Ocarina of Time & Banjo-Tooie: huge doesn’t mean detailed. In fact, if it’s empty, it’s worse, since it’s padding, & padding is as close to unquestionably bad as you can get. I’d rather have lots o’ content rather than lots o’ filler: you actually have to fill the large area with stuff.

But ‘gain, I haven’t actually played the game, so I may be wrong.

Bonus III

To prove that I’m not some curmudgeony ol’ gamer, this is 1 newer Zelda game ( other than maybe Breath of the Wild ) that I think is authentically clever & fun & truly lives up to the gameplay o’ the original Zelda — & truly has clever dungeon & game design.

The only problem is, it wasn’t a true Zelda game; it was The Binding of Isaac. ( Sort o’ like how Super Meat Boy was a much better modern 2-D platformer than the New Super Mario Bros. games ).

You also have to admit, it had a better story, too. You have to admit: “li’l kid suffocating himself in a chest from the guilt he feels after having killed his sister & drove his o’erly religious mother crazy” is much mo’ original than “hero saves princess from villain”

Highway to Hell ( revisited )

Music: “Dark Cave”, Pokémon Gold, Silver, & Crystal

A’least the secret exit is rather clever. Here we see the importance o’ being able to take Yoshi from level to level, which is usually considered bad design in Super Mario World hacks: some exits require it. You’d think that since the idea o’ being able to take Yoshi from level to level was so important that I’d do a better job o’ planning for the happenstance in other levels. You’d think since you’re definitely expected to take Yoshi into the room with the key that I wouldn’t put Balls ’n Chains in it with the magical powers to make Yoshi’s head & neck disappear.

Here’s also a case wherein SMW Central’s advice helped: originally the pipe to the keyhole room had brown blocks o’er it, requiring you to go & get the blue P-switch ’gain, double-carrying both it & the key. I wasn’t sure whether to go with this or not till SMW Central made the decision for me, telling me not to require such glitches. I agreed, & am glad, since it would’ve just made this exit excessively annoying.

( Note: you saw me double grab in the secret exit to “Caves that is Cool”, but it wasn’t required there, as you can just carry the blue P-switch o’er to the brown blocks & go back to get the key. Nowhere in LOTFS is double-grabbing required. )

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 32
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

World G: The Lost Woods

There’s quite a difficulty leap here. I remember 1 o’ the people who looked @ this hack @ SMW Central complained ’bout my hack getting too hard too quickly ’cause he played this section near the start — a lesson on the risks o’ giving the player a lot o’ control o’er what level they play next.

This world takes inspiration from “Forest of Illusion” in that it has many circuitous paths. Also, earlier on levels had a theme o’ having names that indicated how lost you were, like “Still lost…”. I found these level names to be too generic & gave mo’ indicative names.

Playing in the BG

Music: “Forest’”, Kirby’s Adventure

Welcome to the world o’ gimmicks, which reveals how late most o’ the forest levels were in development. Having run out o’ ways to make you carry P-switches from point A to B, I’d just read through SMW Central’s lists o’ patches, blocks, & RAM addresses for ideas, & that’s where this came in. I’m surprised I’ve ne’er seen these blocks used in any other hack; you could do so many mo’ interesting things with them than I did.

I thought I remembered being able to skip most o’ this level by just using the changing blocks themselves as platforms, but when playing it this time it didn’t seem to allow me to do that so much. I dunno, maybe I fixed that problem later on.

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 33
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Teresa’s Triathalon

Music: “Shade Man – Ghouls ’N Ghosts”, Mega Man 7 ( Based on 1st stage theme from Ghost ’N Goblins games )

Despite its name, this level actually doesn’t have much to do with racing, ’cept for maybe a few areas, but timing. I think I started with the idea o’ racing the Goomba disguised as a Boo, but found my ability to design levels round it limited, since if the distance ’tween you & the Boo is too great you’ll get hit; thus I found that timing ’tween the Boo being on wooden parts worked better for puzzles, but then didn’t bother changing this level’s theme to match that or e’en give it mo’ interesting graphics than vanilla Super Mario World’s usual ghost house graphics.

( Fun fact: I believe this level was originally “Ghosts ’n Goblins” & what is now called that was called “Teresa’s Revenge”. I also think that other level originally had a Boo boss, which made that level name actually make sense. )

Also, ironically, the level’s quite slow if you don’t cheat. I have no idea how I missed the fact that someone has ample room to just fly to the main goal without bothering with the long hopping & floating bullshit, but I can understand anyone who takes the faster route. Similarly, one may be better off just damage-boosting to the left to the key room rather than wait for that sluggish Boo to go all the way right & then all the way left. This was a case o’ me coming up with a clever idea, but 1 that wasn’t particularly fun.

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 34
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Orchid Orchard

Music: “Flower Garden”, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

This level name must be so late in development that I didn’t e’en expect it on this playthrough, though I recall the level itself exactly as it was ( though with a slightly better palette now ). I can’t e’en remember what ’twas originally called, though — ¿“Still lost…” maybe? I remember these forest levels originally had level names all talking ’bout how lost you were till I later decided those names were lazy.

Don’t have much else to say ’bout this level, though. Nothing in it is particularly surprising, though it doesn’t feel too ol’ hat, either. We see a variation o’ sorts on the “Some Igloo Level” Muncher puzzle wherein now you start going through with a star & then go back through with a newly-gained Yoshi so you can go back to a pipe near the start & tongue a P-switch out o’ some brown blocks. It’s ’nother instance o’ that ubiquitous blue P-switch, but a’least you don’t have to carry it anywhere. It’s basically just a way to ensure you have to have Yoshi.

Though I just realized that, with that aforementioned ability to take Yoshi into levels, & this level’s conspicuous lack o’ a no-Yoshi sign, one could simply enter the level already with a Yoshi & beat it with li’l effort. Great testing.

• P-Switch level count: 22 / 35
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Inferno Forest

Music: “Forest Frenzy’”, Donkey Kong Country

I don’t hardly remember e’er playing this level with Yoshi, despite the inevitability o’ beating “Orchid Orchard” with him, & doing so now makes the level much easier. In particular, the fact that Yoshi can walk on fire is somewhat funny — though I guess it’s no odder than the fact that Yoshi can just walk on Munchers. Usually I have a fire flower & accidentally sabotage myself by trying to spin jump off a Piranha Plant, only to kill it with a fireball & land right in the lava.

This level actually originated from a different, mo’ linear hack ( the secret exit was thrown in after I transfered it to LOTFS ), which used icegoom’s Super Mario World Redrawn graphics, which is why they’re used here for the level graphics. I think it works well with the Donkey Kong Country background & music. Mixing forest & fire is also a cool gimmick, though I don’t think I did ’nough with it.

The fire blocks is 1 case where I disagree with SMW Central’s advice, but caved in since I didn’t care that much & didn’t want something so trifling to get in the way o’ submission. They were originally ice blocks, but SMW Central said that didn’t make sense for a fire level. I always found it weird how much o’ sticklers they could be for “sense” in Mario games. It’s like how they complain ’bout floating Munchers, e’en though Mario games have had floating ? blocks fore’er. I always felt the fire blocks made less sense, ¿since shouldn’t fire blocks be mo’ resistant to fire? Then ’gain, I guess they’re kinda like the fire blocks in Wario Land 3.

• P-Switch level count: 22 / 36
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

The ’50s and ’60s ( 1st trip )

Music: “Hippie Battle’”, Earthbound Beginnings

As the info box says, his level requires 1,000 coins. Normally I’d show off how great “Pain in My Temple” is, but it turned out I already had 1,000 coins ( you just can’t see it thanks to zany 1-player Luigi glitches ), so it let me go through. If you didn’t have ’nough, an invisible wall would stop you.

Also note: you only have to pay the fee once, a’least till you reset, so don’t worry ’bout dying.

Not like it matters, since as this level shows, it’s a simple, easy level. It makes you wonder why the game e’en bothered to lock out Yoshi or power-ups. It seems this level hardly does anything but make everything grayscale. Big woop.

• P-Switch level count: 22 / 37
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Rope-Bee Trees

Music: “Forest Frenzy’”, Donkey Kong Country

For some reason I think the sound o’ the saws goes great with this music.

This is ’nother level that changed quite a bit from what I remember. I remember the secret exit had you follow a rope down to a pipe in the middle o’ the rope section, not @ the end. I guess I feared — or maybe SMW Central told me — that the secret exit was too obscure & required suicidal guessing.

Gotta love that rope that just hangs out down there, though.

I don’t know how I feel ’bout making you go back & forth for the secret exit here. On 1 side, it’s repetitive; on the other, a’least this is challenging, as opposed to “Teresa’s Triathalon”, which was just boring.

I love how the main path ( the room with the blue background ) has so many parts where you can trivially skip harder parts, but I take the harder parts due to my instinct to avoid skipping parts I want to show ( since it’s too easy for me to know how to skip parts, having played this hack millions o’ times ).

• P-Switch level count: 22 / 38
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Nose-Bleed Trees

Music: “Forest’”, Kirby’s Adventure

As this video shows, there’s a major glitch for the secret exit ( which is necessary to open the rest o’ the path to the green switch ) in that if you get the midway point & then die, you lose the “golden mushrooms” you collected & have to beat the normal exit & restart from the beginning.

While I like how big & explorative this level is, & like the on-&-off water gimmick’s gameplay, — though I wish I’d had the savvy to change the background in some way so that it actually looks like you’re underwater — I think this level has too much. ¿Did it truly need a blue P-switch just to get to the normal exit? ¿Did it truly need a Blue Yoshi to reach the secret exit, which already needs 5 golden mushrooms?

• P-Switch level count: 23 / 39
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 10
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

World H: The Sewers

Probably the most exotic level theme in this hack, other than the city theme in that not-truly-much-o’-a-world. I wish this hack had mo’ interesting level themes.

This is the only map to have custom graphics, though I didn’t do much with them. I always felt bad ’bout the blandness o’ the o’erworld’s graphics. 1 o’ the reasons I’d ne’er remake this hack is that I’d force myself to redraw the whole o’erworld, & that would take years.

Pipe Pollution

Music: “Underground ( Super Mario Bros. 3 )’”, Super Mario All-Stars ( same )

This is the 1 level where I’d say I did OK with the layer-2, ’specially the 2nd half. My only problem with it is the beginner’s trap near the end o’ the 1st area: there’s no way to know that you need to bring a shell ’head o’ you to make a vine ( if you don’t have a cape, a’least ), & the level kills you outright if you don’t have psychic powers.

Also, 1 flaw with the 2nd half is that I think it’s almost impossible during the downward portion if you’re big, ’less you’ve memorized the level, as you have to wait a li’l bit as the toxic sludge is going down to see where solid land is, but still have ’nough space ’bove to jump without diving head-1st into the sludge. Then ’gain, I guess you could duck when jumping; but it’d still be much harder, I’m sure. I dunno: I guess it’s not a huge problem. Still, a lesson: always test levels with multiple power-ups, which I definitely didn’t do.

• P-Switch level count: 23 / 40
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 10
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

Trash Pack Pipes

Music: “Underground ( Super Mario Bros. 3 )’”, Super Mario All-Stars ( same )

My only problem with the 1st half is the pointless & dickish silver P-switch, which, if you didn’t think to go on a detour, makes you restart the 1st half if you didn’t bring it to the end. I guess, to be fair, you can clearly see it up there @ the start, giving a huge hint that you’ll probably need it. ( ¿Does this game have any optional P-switches? I don’t think it does. )

In the original version o’ this level, the 1st half was the whole level; I later decided the level was too short, so I added the 2nd half. I’m glad I did, as I quite like it & its tricky jumps. I also like its graphics — the trash blocks from Wario Land 4 & the background from the GBA Garfield & His 9 Lives, o’ all things. I wish I’d used these graphics mo’, as the rest o’ this world looks a bit generic ( not helped by the proliferation o’ that clich&eactue; Mario underground music ).

My only problem with the 2nd half is the obvious mistake o’ having 2 midway points, 1 structure-less 1 right in front o’ the pipe & a normal 1 a few blocks afterward. I’m not sure what my thinking was there, but I’m sure ’twas a mistake. Maybe I thought having that white line just floating in front o’ the pipe, e’en for just a few seconds, was tacky & decided to just create a normal midway point, only to forget to get rid o’ the original.

What I find funny ’bout this footage is that I always found the 2nd half hard & usually died a lot in it; but in this playthrough, though I die in stupid ways in the 1st half, I make it through the 2nd half, 1st try, without getting hit @ all.

• P-Switch level count: 24 / 41
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 11
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

Climb of Clogginess

Music: “Underground ( Super Mario Bros. 3 )’”, Super Mario All-Stars ( same )

Not much to say ’bout this level. Other than the downward floating section @ the end ( which isn’t all that original, but a’least was ne’er done anywhere else in this hack ), it’s color by #s, “go somewhere to get P-switch, go back to use it to get past brown blocks / Munchers”.

I like how the Bullet Bills round the vines offer almost 0 threat, as the chances o’ them firing ’fore you pass them are thin.

• P-Switch level count: 25 / 42
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 12
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

Lab of ‘Difficulty’

Music: “Fight Against an Armed Boss’”, Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars

@ the time I liked parodying kaizo hacks, since I hated them & their proliferation @ the time ( remember, I started making this hack round 2007 ). It’s a joke that isn’t as relevant anymo’, since I don’t think kaizo hacks are as popular anymo’. Maybe if I’d retinkered it into parody o’ terrible Super Mario Maker levels…

I always liked the “puzzle” o’ this 1st room, as it does what I think good puzzles should do: challenges fallacious preconceptions. In this case, the puzzle is based on the idea inherent in Mario games that pipes always have the possibility o’ being transitions to other rooms, conflicted gainst the absurdity o’ re-entering a pipe you entered the level through. ¿But why should that pipe be an exception? It shouldn’t — & there lies the fallacy. It’s not a genius “puzzle”, though — “The Second Reality Project” had already done it back in, ¿what, 2002? Plus, the info box almost tells you, “Hey, go back into the pipe whence you entered”, e’en if hid ’hind a seemingly casual cliché line.

The rest o’ the level is mediocre to bad. The only high point is the cool palettes in the water section that e’en affect Mario & Luigi, which was a bigger pain than you might think ( Lunar Magic itself doesn’t let you give Mario & Luigi custom palettes for each level — a’least it didn’t when I made this ). ’Cept, as you can see, I fucked up, & Luigi temporarily becomes Mario for this section. Otherwise, the P-switch is pointless & the star makes the rest o’ the section pointless.

The 1st section is generic Thwomp dodging. I remember in an earlier version the part where you go upward was harder ’cause the camera refused to scroll upward. Not sure how I fixed it here.

& then there’s the smasher section. I only had that ’cause I for some reason felt bad ’bout not using the smashers a’least somewhere. The problem is, the smasher sections were ne’er good in Super Mario World & they can ne’er be good ’cause they’re slow & boring. Autoscrollers are, in general, boring-as-death levels & I’m glad they’re rare in this game. But this smasher section is terrible ’cause I didn’t time anything well, making it so that you have to already know the level well to avoid death as you need to jump before you can see where you need to jump to to avoid being smashed & knocked off platforms.

This boss is the worst. It’s e’en worse than just the Goomba in the 1st lab, since a’least that was a joke. Not only were Koopas already used for the better desert lab, I was so lazy & incompetent that I didn’t e’en recolor the blue Koopa so that their colors would match the actual Koopa Bros., e’en though it’d’ve been too easy to contemplate.

& then we have the dimwitted secret exit, which is just “notice coins ’bove hole & use that to indicate you can fall in”. Luckily, it just leads to ’nother useless Shroom level.

• P-Switch level count: 26 / 43
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 12
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

Shroom of Sewers

Music: “Underground ( Super Mario Bros. 3 )’”, Super Mario All-Stars ( same )

A’least the message is actually useful info this time.

The Green Switch

Music: “The Axem Rangers Drop In’”, Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars

I’d say this is the best Switch. While most are trivial “hop from block to block” with li’l thought to them, this feels like a coherent level with a coherent theme. I die a lot, but I still had fun doing the tricky jumps. I particularly like the subtle difficulty o’ the final jump.

I somewhat wonder if I should’ve made it a bit longer. Then ’gain, too long & this level would’ve been too frustrating.

I do like how I tried to give each Switch ( ’cept the Red Switch ) a theme: the Yellow being flying, the Blue being icy physics, & this 1 being bouncy blocks. I only wish the Yellow & Blue Switches did mo’ with their themes, ’specially the Blue Switch. I also wish the Red Switch weren’t utter garbage.

• P-Switch level count: 26 / 44
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 12
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

We’ve already hit all the Switches. Next is Bowser’s Castle, & then off to the postgame.

World C: Shroom City Mainland ( revisited )

3 mo’ levels from this disparate “world”.

Piranha Trap Pass ( revisited )

Music: “Overworld”, New Super Mario Bros.

As expected, the secret exit that clearly leads to that wide space on the left side o’ the map to the left is on the left side o’ the level.

Mo’ evidence that I redid this level @ a later time: I wisely got rid o’ the blue P-switch that was here before & just had the pipe open @ the end. Originally, the blue P-switch was where the fire flower now is in the cave section, on the far left side, a copy o’ a trick I use later, so ’twas redundant here. Similarly, the pipe @ the end used to have brown blocks round it, in a much less interesting copy o’ a few levels we’ve already seen.

As I show in the cave section, while I added an extra pipe to allow one to get back up, this only added a way to get stuck & be forced to start-select out or wait for the timer to kill them if they haven’t beaten the level yet. That pipe was added @ the behest o’ SMW Central back when the P-switch was still there as it made it impossible to beat the level if you made it past there without grabbing the P-switch & you didn’t have a cape. ’Course, since the P-switch is gone, there’s no reason to need to get back up anymo’, so it would’ve been better had I ne’er added that pipe @ all.

I have mixed views ’bout the main challenge o’ the part after the cave: though I like the way the tricky jumps don’t outright kill you if you fail, which is nice for an early level, the fact that you have to swim all the way back makes it almost worse. Also, the ease is a bit silly considering all the levels with plenty o’ bottomless pits round this level. If you can’t handle these simple jumps, I don’t know how you’d handle the level after the next — or the level before this 1.

• P-Switch level count: 14 / 22
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Totally Stoned

Music: “Marble Zone”, Sonic the Hedgehog

The name’s a joke my teenage self clearly thought was funnier than my current self.

Here’s a level that taught me a devious hack to trick people into thinking a level’s design is less boring that it truly is: spruce up the visuals. The level’s mainly just the same simple gimmick o’ breaking open clogged passages with Koopa shells, which I found rather boring. But I ’specially found the original graphics, which were just a typical tree BG from a few levels & the normal graphics found in many other levels in this hack, so I changed them into Sonic graphics to make it a’least look mo’ interesting. Now ’stead we have to deal with tacky cut-off thanks to the top o’ the grass being move-throughable.

’Course I also spruced up this level by cutting out a lot o’ the filler pap. I remember an earlier version had this long section where you had to go up some stone tower & dodge a bunch o’ Koopas to get a throw block, & then you had to race down so you could throw it @ a brick to pass through. Actually, I think just moderating that would’ve been better than cutting it out completely; might’ve made this level a bit mo’ interesting.

The layer-2 section is 1 o’ the least bad implementations I’ve done, ’specially thanks to the weird gravity-defying Spike Top.

I do like the final trick o’ the shell-kicking gimmick @ the end.

• P-Switch level count: 14 / 23
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Bootropolis

Music: “No Eating Crackers in the Theater”, Mother 3

O, this level. This is 1 o’ those levels that’s big, but quite a bit o’ it is irrelevant — a’least parts o’ the night section. One could also argue that this level falls into a bout o’ trying to do too much & not keeping focus. ¿What do Munchers on pipes have to do with a city haunted @ night? ¿& why would the pipes be high up in the sky? ¿Wouldn’t it make mo’ sense had I put it underground — specially since I don’t think there were any bottomless pits in the day portion, so it shouldn’t have conflicted with the upper portions. There’s also some copied parts: the whole “Disco Koopa chases you through spike blocks you have to navigate through” gimmick’s already used later, & here it’s easily made trivial by just rushing forward, not allowing the Disco Koopa to drop from its perch.

The dark half is also mixed in quality. On the good side there’s the death holes scattered in the formerly solid streets, emphasizing the uglier side o’ the haunted night section, as well as just how generally mo’ twisted the dark side looks; on the other, some parts are just jarringly off, like the big holes o’ nothing in many places, such as round the top, & the weird section with the weird white Piranha Plants with the spike holes that slowly kill you ( since you can’t jump out o’ them ). Also, I’ve noticed that Boo Carousels — whatever they’re called — aren’t truly challenging; they just waste your time.

Still, I have a bit o’ a tenderness for this level. The way the level changes @ night & the weird Muncher-infested pipelines in daytime have character, & while SMW Central complained ’bout the need to intentionally kill yourself to continue past the “Ghost Mushroom”, or whatever it’s s’posed to be ( while admitting that the infinite lives makes it less mean ), I still stand by it as clever & no harsher than some o’ the puzzles considered legitimate in other hacks. It’s basically a power-up filter that gives you some power-ups afterward, which is mo’ lenient than some hacks give you.

I’m surprised the puzzle I made for fighting the Boo boss hasn’t been done mo’. I’ve seen convoluted pipe mazes you have to kick shells through, but ne’er a straight race to hop up platforms with a throw block before it disappears. But as the video shows, mine was a bit mo’ lenient: there’s a Koopa that offers a’least 1 guaranteed hit; & technically one could get 1 o’ the many Koopas lower down, if desperate.

I should also probably ’splain the arrow coin pointing down next to that pipe in the 1st area:

That was a friendly li’l riff on SMW Central who kept complaining ’bout blind jumps in LOTFS. Sort o’ imagine some asshole hacker saying, “Uh O: better warn the player that it’s OK to fall down this long fall”. I’m not sure why I felt the need to tease them, since I’m sure I should’ve agreed with them — I’m certainly no fan o’ blind jumps, & they certainly don’t fit in LOTFS’s main mission o’ not being a bullshit kaizo hack.

Finally, I always hop off the side o’ the building as the Boo boss reaches the bottom o’ the screen ’pon dying, causing us both to plummet back to the bottom o’ the tower ( since the Boo boss doesn’t die till it goes off-screen, regardless o’ where the camera moves ), & was saddened when purplegoomba64 didn’t do it. ( Also, I forgot all ’bout that o’erworld glitch that happens afterward in that video. )

• P-Switch level count: 15 / 24
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 5
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 4

World F: Mt. Windsnow

Music: “Walking the Snowy Mountains”, Final Fantasy V

Earlier on, this world was much shorter: there was just “Mt. Windsnow”, “Caves that Is Cool”, “Celsius Lake” ( though as I’ll mention when I get to it, it changed immensely, too ), & the lab & switch levels. Feeling ’twas unfair to have this world so short, I lengthened it; now, ironically, it is probably 1 o’ the longest.

’Bove: original Mt. Windsnow o’erworld, circa 2007
Below: latest Mt. Windsnow o’erworld

& the very original version, when ’twas called simply “JJW Game” & none o’ the levels were e’en made, it looked completely different:

Mt. Windsnow

Music: “Freeze Man Stage – Iceberg Area”, Mega Man 7

A simple but challenging romp that I actually had fun playing. It helps that I wasn’t as familiar with this level as most o’ the others, so it actually felt fresh. I particularly like the part near the end where you have to walk down staircases with spikes, something that’d be trivially easy if not for the ground being slippery.

You can tell I changed this late in development by the use o’ quite a few custom sprites. For some reason I hardly e’er used custom sprites. It’s not that I found them hard to use; I just ne’er thought ’bout it for some reason.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to tell players to use Birdo’s egg to continue through the level; ’twas a trick ripped straight off from Super Mario Bros. 2, & that game didn’t have to tell players what was an obvious use.

• P-Switch level count: 15 / 25
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 5
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 4

Caves that Is Cold

Music: “Blizzard Buffalo”, Mega Man X3

I’m thoroughly satisfied with the 1st half, which was also spruced up late in development. The level design was simply tightened up, with the P-switch run actually being timed so that there’s some challenge, & not just me trying to guess when would be the right time to end it; but the true improvement are the foggy graphics. The original version was just a bland blue cave.

The 2nd part is still lame. I think I tried to shorten the raft section from the original version, but it’s still a slow-ass raft. I ’specially love the bat that’s pointless, since it’ll always flutter below you as your raft rises. I think the keyhole secret was the only reason I kept the raft section.

The blue P-switch is useless. Yeah, it challenges you to realize you can go left sometimes; but that’s it. Also, this level reuses the “go to end to get switch so you can race back to a pipe near the beginning” gimmick already used back in “Basidio Bridge” & “Dark Desert”.

• P-Switch level count: 16 / 26
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 6
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 5

Celsius Lake

Music: “Underwater Tunnels”, Wario Land II

A nice bonus level that’s hardly challenging @ all. There’s not e’en much to say other than to point out how sparse this level looks ( the background’s just some Game Boy style kelp ) & how lazy I was that I couldn’t e’en make whatever it is that’s keeping you from freezing to death not blue mushrooms — ’cause it makes sense that blue mushrooms warm you up. Also, ¿why’d I let the bar go red when you’re close to freezing? Should be the opposite.

Originally, there was a different level here: 1 where you had to hop on dolphins hopping o’er deadly water, with some sections in which deadly water ( purple ) & safe water ( cyan ) jarringly stood right ’side each other. It sucked hard, which was why ’twas replaced. Just wanted to remind you that as weak as these levels may be, there were far worse before.

• P-Switch level count: 17 / 27
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 6
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 5

Shroom of Shivers

Music: “Freeze Man Stage – Iceberg Area”, Mega Man 7

I may be misremembering, ¿but wasn’t the secret sea world already hinted @ in ’nother “Shroom” level? God, these levels are so repetitive, I couldn’t e’en stop myself from repeating messages, ¿could I?

Hotel Baltic Ave.

Music: “Fortress”, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

Not long after the long “Bootropolis” we have ’nother long level.

This level has a history. When I was making it I had grand plans that this would be my “magnum opus”, a’least for this hack. I think I was watching raocow play The Second Reality Project 2 & was champing @ the bit a bit @ how nice it looked, so I decided to make a super snazzy looking level that uses 6 whole graphics “banks” all for itself. I certainly think it still looks nice, since it uses graphics from Wario Land 4, which looks great. I only wish I could’ve done mo’ with the outside graphics. I also wish I’d had any talent with porting music & could’ve made a port o’ “Crescent Moon Village”.

That said, I think the level fails to keep up with my expectations. The 1st problem is that my expectations were high: I wanted this to be some huge, nonlinear level full o’ secrets & exploration — something close to “Hotel Horror”¹, which is where these graphics originate. But as you can see, it’s quite linear, actually: there’s just a bunch o’ rooms with short puzzles to get 1 out o’ 4 topaz quarters, or whatever they’re s’posed to be, to get through the door to the midway point, with a few pointless rooms with power-ups & coins. I dunno, I feel like I could’ve done mo’ with the different floors.

Worse, this level’s imbalanced: after the midway point you have a long ice area that, as the video shows, is literally just a troll job — a self-inflicted jab @ my o’eruse o’ “take item @ point A to point B to get item to unlock point C, etc.” All you get for completing it is a fire flower… which you need to start the puzzle. & after that you have a short hallway with the cheapest Fishing Boo e’er ( I swear in 1 o’ those deaths in the video the flame just warps to where Luigi is ), & then a short climb upward. What we had for a exploratory level turns into pure linear, color by #s level design.

But the absolute worst is the secret exit. You have to go through the whole 1st half ’gain, & then you just go left in the hallway with the Fishing Boo. That room has no challenge & the puzzle was done in a much funnier manner in Brutal Mario. ¿Why bother with the secret exit when ’twas so clearly thrown in & just makes the level mo’ repetitive & annoying? ’Cause this was my magnum opus & ’course there needed to be a secret exit, e’en if it serves no purpose.

If the secret exit were gone, it wouldn’t be too bad, though. I guess some o’ the puzzles are clever, like Yoshi-jumping bridge-building or that secretly challenging room with the Chargin’ Chucks… or a’least they would be clever if you couldn’t mow through them with a cape, as the video shows later on — a cape you’re pretty much guaranteed to have since the level gives it to you & you need it to reach the switch.

• P-Switch level count: 18 / 28
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 7
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Some Igloo Level

Music: “Blizzard Buffalo”, Mega Man X3

See, this 1’s almost the opposite: it has much cleverer level design, but banal graphics. A’least it’s secret exit is something different.

Just a few points to say ’bout this level:

• That midway point is hilariously devious — though not in a particularly punishing way, since there’s a fire flower right there.

• I don’t demo it, but the purple water is instant-death. Probably should’ve put a message box warning ’bout that. Funny, since I read a SMW Central person complain ’bout “Highway to Hell” not warning ’bout its deathly water, e’en though there is a message box telling you exactly that in that level, but didn’t say anything ’bout this level.

• I don’t know why getting in that passage to the keyhole is so hard while big.

• I probably should’ve shown off where the vine area leads ( ¿why are there vines in an igloo? ), but I’m sure it just leads to a power-up — a power-up not worth the effort to get. I wasn’t great @ balancing challenges & corresponding rewards.

• I like the last puzzle, the way it challenges you to do platforming to get through the Muncher patch @ 1st, but lets you easily run o’er it with the star. I generally like sections you go back & forth through, but in a different way ( such as that 1st “Dead Shallows” section ).

• P-Switch level count: 19 / 29
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 8
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Holy Shit It’s Cold

Music: “Freeze Man Stage – Iceberg Area”, Mega Man 7 / “Hot Head Bop”, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest

This was the place I was talking ’bout when I mentioned saving my swear words for someplace special.

But the funniest thing is, as purplegoomba64 mentions, this is probably the worst level to have this name, since it isn’t that cold: ¡half o’ it is a molten volcano! The whole gimmick is that it goes back & forth through ice & lava, àla “Hailfire Peaks”.

I don’t like this level. It’s not terrible; it’s just lame. There’s not much to the switch ’tween the 2 types: sometimes lava turns to water & sometimes ice cubes melt. You have to go through the 1st section in both versions, & it hardly changes ’tween them, making it repetitive.

Also, the use o’ the P-switch here has to be the worst in this entire game. Not only is it a copy o’ the “go backward to find it hiding in a corner”, but it makes you wait right after the brown blocks you turn to coins so that a brown block you do need to use as a platform turns back to a brown block. I guess the idea was to challenge the player not to go too fast & grab the coin, but that’s stupid. Worse, it’s a tricky jump that’s easy to fail, forcing you to go through all that ’gain.

The graphics also look like shit: brown Donkey Kong Country mountain background looks tacky. The various clouds @ the top look stupid & are pointless. In general, the level looks thrown together — like that pipe that’s just there in the middle o’ nowhere in the lava version o’ the 1st section. I guess it’s s’posed to be hard to notice, since you need to go into it to beat the level, but it just looks lazily designed.

The lava version is particularly worse, & it takes up more o’ the level than the ice section, e’en though this is an ice world. I don’t know — this level just feels wrong. It irks me. Let’s speak o’ it no mo’.

• P-Switch level count: 20 / 30
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Lab of Blizzards

Music: “Hunffin’ and Puffin’”, Paper Mario

Here’s a much better level. It’s definitely the best lab level, with the best boss.

If I remember correctly, originally this level was just the 1st half, which I found trivially easy for where ’twas placed, so I added a 2nd half. This half, in contrast, has quite a ridiculously hard jump o’er instant-death… ¿cold lava? I don’t know what that’s s’posed to be.

Also, I think the cracked frozen lava edges in the 1st half are @ the behest o’ SMW Central, who are infamous for hating cut-off. Can’t complain ’bout the decision; cut-off is tacky.

The boss is the only good 1, since it’s an actual clever puzzle, & it’s not just a Goomba or a bunch o’ Koopas. The only problem is you have to be careful, ’cause if you lose all fire flowers, you’re screwed.

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 31
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

The Blue Switch

Music: “The Axem Rangers Drop In’”, Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars

This level, meanwhile, is too easy ( e’en if I die a bunch in the video ). Most o’ the switches in this game feel anticlimactic; this 1 could’ve had much mo’ depth.

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 32
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

We’re already halfway through all this game’s levels & have only 1 mo’ switch to hit.