The elephant in the room

Before I start, I have to acknowledge the recent news that Disturbed’s lead singer, David Draiman, played an ultimate boomer move in signing an IDF missile for Israel, which means he’s a shoo-in to be invited to write an op-ed for Newsweek. As I proclaimed in that very same article, we ( me & my schizo mindvoices ) here @ The Mezunian support neither theocratic sides that worship the same made-up god, but believe that tasty black pepper should triumph o’er all, from the river to the sea. This puts David Draiman @ odds with my political views & therefore he must be purged from the council, the Englesist Magical Socialist Party hath spoken. Also, being serious, signing your name on a fucking missile, e’en if used gainst literal Nazi officials who are child molesters & took Drake’s side o’ the Great 2024 Beef War & not a bunch o’ poor people, is tacky as hell. There’s a difference ’tween somberly acknowledging war as sometimes a necessary evil & psychopathically cheering on the death o’ civilians with your cowboy hat hanging on your mitt like the end o’ Dr. Strangelove.

This article mentions that this album we will be looking @ is full o’ themes opposed to the US’s wars in the middle east, but I will go e’en further: those who had listened to “Liberate” from the previous album we looked @ will recall this Biblical recitation specifically mentioning Israel:

out of zion shall come the forth the law
& the word of the lord from jerusalem
nation shall not raise sword against nation
& they shall not learn war anymore
for the mouth of the lord hath spoken

I guess ol’ Yahweh changed their mind, as they do a lot, & decided, <Actually, fuck it, I want to see you crackas make each other bleed. I’m getting bored as fuck>. This is what makes this the ultimate boomer moment: someone who was cool when they were young growing to 180° into the same war-mongering reactionary they protested against when they were young. Ain’t goin’ be me: I’m going to grow into a curmudgeonly tankie, ranting ’bout how western propaganda just doesn’t understand how glorious China’s vanguard party is @ serving the people’s needs, — while not living there, ’course, since those crackas would put bullets in me if they saw what I was typing ’bout them — as opposed to bougie fake western democracies, thank you.

Anyway, so Freddie DeBoer doesn’t have a crying fit, I won’t cancel Disturbed by not making a mocking review o’ 1 o’ their albums ’cause their lead singer decided to try speedrunning his arthritic band back into the spotlight like Ronnie Radke making transphobic jokes. I’m not letting him or any dumb ethnoreligious war meddle with my schedule I spent a whole 10 minutes typing up in LibreCalc. Luckily I already wrote most o’ these song reviews before I learned o’ this news, so it didn’t affect my reviews & therefore this article ’bout an ol’ millennial nu-metal album that hardly anyone remembers will keep its integrity & this very political album won’t be tainted by a political review.

The actual start

The album we’re looking @ today is yet ’gain not The Sickness, but the 1st Disturbed album I heard, their 3rd album, Ten Thousand Fists, whose singles were all o’er the rock radio in late 2005 when I started to get into rock radio. ¿What stands out ’bout this album to make it worth dedicating a review to it? Nothing: it’s very standard alt metal. ¡Enjoy the review!

1. Ten Thousand Fists

This is definitely a banger, especially the bridge where Draiman puts on his whispery “Midlife Crisis” voice & the final chorus, where the song gets amped up. That said, the “power to the people” lyrics are vague, & lines like “leave the weak & haunted behind” & talk o’ “triumph of the soul” sound sus. ¿But who cares? Nobody listens to fucking Disturbed for Noam Chomskiesque cerebral political commentary.

Grade: B

2. Just Stop

This song is less interesting & less memorable, with its thudding riffs & verses & vague lyrics ’bout relationship problems, which don’t mesh well with the creepy voice Draiman puts on in the bridge. I dunno, it’s just funny to hear the lines, “all I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion for the moment” sung in a daemonic voice. I do kind o’ like the soulful chorus, I guess. I dunno, I think there were better songs to be a single than this.

Grade: C

3. Guarded

This song is e’en less interesting, & was the lead single, to boot, & I may go far ’nough to say the shrill vocals in the chorus are annoying, especially the dragged out “deciiiiiiiiiiide” @ the end. We also get another weird mix o’ relationship troubles & the occult with talk o’ “guarding yourself from the love of another” followed by, “¿why does it sound like the devil is laughing?”. Surely the devil has mo’ treacherous deeds to pull than making people too afraid to commit. The only minor praise I can give is that I do find the weird rhythm/meter on the verses interestingly weird.

Grade: D

4. Deify

You can easily discern this song’s meaning right @ the beginning, where we hear spooky music o’er clips o’ George W. Bush being praised & saying some bullshit ’bout justice or whate’er. I do find it weird that the song includes the lines, “all my devotion betrayed” & “i was too blinded to see how much you’ve stolen from me”. ¿Was anyone truly surprised Bush would get us into wars, considering the US was already re-engaging in military attacks against Iraq after the Gulf War as early as 1998 & that the Bush administration was already making plans for ousting Saddam @ the beginning o’ his term, before 9/11 & was outspoken ’bout such goals in their 2000 platform? On the other hand, a’least this is slightly less vague than “Ten Thousand Fists” & I always liked the DUH-DUH, DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH riff.

Grade: B

5. Stricken

All right, we actually have a funny song here, thanks to the return o’ Draiman’s patented scat-singing:

ya come on lika woman in suffering
nah e’en mah mamma gonna tell me why

This is just ’nother song with ridiculously sinister diction given to what sounds like a mild relationship misunderstanding, with comparisons to “bloodstained hurricanes” & e’en the holocaust. No, I’m not making that last 1 up. Savor this 2nd verse:

you don’t know what your power has done to me
I want to know if I’ll heal inside
I can’t go on with a holocaust about to happen
seeing you laughing another time
you’ll never know why your face has haunted me
my very soul has to bleed this time
another hole in the wall of my inner defenses
leaving me breathless the reason I know…

& people call “Crawling” melodramatic.

This is not as good as Disturbed’s best songs, but is mo’ interesting than the songs we heard before & has iconic lyrics.

Howe’er, if you want a much better version o’ this song, I present to you:

Grade: ⚡

6. I’m Alive

Yeah, the repetitious “duh-duh, duh-duh” singing @ the start o’ e’ery line in the verses, many times just “ne-ver a-gain”, don’t really gel with me, nor the sing-songy chorus or the bland, “I’m alive”, repeated afterward. Lyrically, this is just a, “I’m-a gonna be myself” anthem, but sounding like it’s coming from a medieval monk, with such vague but grandiloquent diction:

— of living within the world of the jaded
they kill inspiration, it’s my obligation —

&

denying the sin, my art, my redemption
I carry the torch of my fathers before me

Usually when metal bands sing like this it’s when talking ’bout epic battles ’tween dragons & holy divers riding tigers, not people complaining ’bout how they’re not going to be a part o’ this system.

Grade: D

7. Sons of Plunder

This is a much catchier song, especially the internal rhyme in the middle o’ the 1st two lines o’ the chorus where Draiman slows down:

as the countless numbers hunger for worldwide renown
all the pimping sons of plunder will roll up their sleeves

That said, it’s kind o’ weird that they make this “fuck all these other uncreative hacks” song on what seems like a much less creative & much mo’ standard hard rock album than previous albums. I do now wonder if this “new sound” the singer feels surrounded by is in fact nu-metal. 2005 is ’bout when it started to peter out, so this rant that seems like an iconoclastic attack gainst this new fad, in fact, sounds mo’ like jumping on an already-swelling bandwagon gainst an already-dying genre.

Still, I’d take e’en a hypocritical jab gainst other nu-metal bands any day o’er more bland romantic drama songs, especially 1 as catchy as this.

Grade: B

8. Overburdened

¿Apparently this is ’bout soldiers? This seems weird given the lines, “¿how was I considered evil? / pleasures taken in this life”. I wouldn’t consider going off to war living off in hedonism. Still, I like the concept o’ humanity being so wicked that hell is o’erburdened with dead people. It’s a very slayeresque concept, which is now a high art concept I’ve invented. Musically, this is also the most interesting song on this album, with its slow but steady rhythm matching the steady march o’ people in a purgatorylike state. I don’t know if I’ve made this hot take before, but I think Disturbed is better @ saturnine songs than the “O YEA WE GONNA BEAT SOME SHIT BOYS” songs, — yes, that is the precise name o’ the genre — especially on a mo’ general hard-rock album like this.

Grade: A

9. Decadence

In a weird reversal o’ most albums I listen to for this series, this album seems to be getting better as it gets deeper into the deep cuts. I ne’er remembered this song that much before, & I do still find the verses repetitious, — tho that could arguably fit with the subject matter — but did always kind o’ like the sound o’ the chorus; but I ne’er realized till now that this wasn’t a generic song ’bout greed being evil, like the title implies, but uses the mo’ classical definition o’ decadence, literal decay, as imagery for the feeling o’ depression. I dunno, there are some stock phrases here & there, like the ubiquitous “dead inside”, but that metaphor feels both fresh & fitting. Basically, I’m saying Disturbed are mo’ serious artists than Radiohead.

Grade: B

10. Forgiven

I know this song is repetitive, but like “Liberate” from their 2nd album, it’s so catchy to sing along with, “FOOH-GIVAHN TO ME, FOOH-GIVAHN TO ME”. Plus, like the previous 2 songs, I like the story this song tells, this time ’bout a soldier forgiving a solider who killed them ’cause they know that soldier will likely die soon themselves: “you’re just another dead man living”. & the whispery repetitive chanting o’ this song matches this song’s meaning as essentially a death prayer.

Grade: B

11. Land of Confusion

That’s right: the official music video is an AMV. Disturbed knew what was hip with the edgy metal kids @ the time.

Here comes a hot take: while I definitely think Genesis’s original version o’ this song had better music, with its Sega-Genesis-like synths being much mo’ interesting than Disturbed’s plain hard rock riffs & drums, I think Draiman’s singing is mo’ interesting than Phil Collins, especially since Draiman is much better @ staying on rhythm, filling in the awkward pause in “the men of steel… men of power” with “the men of steel, these men of power”. But also Draiman has a mo’ forceful voice, being a metal singer & all, while Collins’ is much thinner & lighter, which certainly works better on softer songs, — I don’t want to imagine Draiman gruffly ah-ahing thru “In the Air Tonight” — but not a song that’s clearly s’posed to have as much force as this.

It actually surprises me that this is the 1st cover I’ve run into so far & only now do I realize how difficult ’twould be to grade it, since in terms o’ lyrics all Disturbed had to do was not pick a shitty song to cover, & they definitely didn’t do that here. I do like that they picked a song from a genre quite off from alt metal, but still fits the tone o’ this album.

Grade: N/A

12. Sacred Lie

While the lyrics are less interesting than some o’ the others on this album, with its standard fantasy/metal/biblical diction o’ “damnation”, “sacred”, “fear”, etc. — to the point that e’en Genius basically just calls it “another song that talks about war” — I do like the rhythm o’ the singing, especially the chorus & the way the pitch rises @ the end; & while the music under the verses is basic plodding, I do like the music under the chorus, especially the drum rhythm.

Grade: B

13. Pain Redefined

This song I’m less keen on. The verses’ vocal rhythm is interesting a’least, tho rather plodding, but the pre-chorus is way too repetitive & e’en mo’ plodding, & the chorus sounds like it should be sung in a church, especially with the line, “I have fallen again”. The music also sounds way too mechanical for the subject matter. I do like how Draiman has to clear something out o’ his throat @ the very end. I’m not sure why it’s on this song, but it is.

According to Genius:

“Pain Redefined” is a song about when your sensory abilities become overwhelmed, you lose control of your senses, and you can’t really trust them to make judgement of the world around anymore.

So it’s basically an emo song.

Grade: D

14. Avarice

You know you’re listening to a filler track when the 1st lines are such deep philosophical entreaties like, “politics & evil / all 1 in the same”. In contrast to “Decadence”, this song truly is just greed = bad. Also, the chorus barely sounds like a chorus, having a steady rhythm. The music under the verses & choruses are also plain, especially under the verses, where they’re just this bland “DUH DUH DUH, DUH DUH DUH”.

That said, I do kind o’ like the instrumental part after the 2nd verse, especially the horse-stomping drums, & the perishing bridge vocals.

Grade: D

Final thoughts

Yup, that sure was an album that existed. Join me next time as I troll y’all e’en mo’ & do Disturbed’s B-sides album ( spoiler alert: it’s actually better than this album ).

Final Grade: C

39. Invade Wario Castle Story 2: Storm the castle!!

Like the rest o’ the levels in this underwhelming chapter, this level is mostly a bunch o’ mid or weak challenges that repeat mechanics from other levels, lack much cohesion, & just in general goes on a bit too long. Particularly baffling is the dark room where you need to dodge weights dropped by bats, with no twist to this like in chapter 1’s “Go down to the cellar”: no reward for jumping on the weights after they fall or intentionally getting flattened anywhere. ¿& did this level need 2 levels where focusing on hopping on platforms & dodging moving spikes?

That said, there are some subtle touches to other rooms. There’s this unique roll section where you need to break thru & ground pound a bunch o’ pots before being able to roll out thru the short passage — tho it is a bit annoying have to go back & forth, rolling thru twice. The moving spike section on the small platforms just after has interesting arrangements, tho the awkward camera makes the last platform unfair, as you can’t see what’s down there till you already make the jump & the coin arrangements are just ludicrous: all the coins are down @ the bottom, where you go if you fail, but there are none on the main path with no extra challenge to collect certain coins while dodging the moving spikes. The fire-block arrangements in the room after that require fiddling with where you get set on fire so you’re position is timed right to burst into flames on the right side o’ the lakes on the top & bottom — tho this is mo’ a case o’ trial & error than making the right moves or thinking laterally.

Continue reading @ Level Rankings.com…

Considering The Mezunian rightly predicted Clinton’s victory in 2016 & Trump’s victory in 2020, we know that e’eryone in the US cares deeply ’bout The Mezunian’s coveted presidential election prediction, so using 538’s goofy interactive map maker, I present to you a doubly nice prediction map:

¡Just look @ those elegant land lines surrounded by blue water! Truly the LORD will bless us with beautiful election results.

’Mong the various delusional ambitions I’ve had o’er the course o’ my life — & still have, which includes the recent “video game level critic”, which isn’t a career, & still writer & game developer, despite only making tiny updates in both these categories nowadays — when I was a kid I had ambitions o’ becoming a newspaper cartoonist, back when people other than that 1 blogger still read newspaper comics & newspapers in general. For ’bout 2 years in middle school — starting near 20 years ago — I wrote a drew a comic for e’ery day, like newspaper comics had, up to a total o’ 600 comics. Similar to my sprite comics & Pokéme comics, this was impressive in quantity, specially for a middle schooler, but when we see the quality o’ the comics, we can understand how I was able to crank these out. Also, one should not get the misimplication — my spellchecker says that’s not a word, but it’s wrong: I have now made it 1 — that I created a comic e’ery day: more oft I would create these comics in batches, usually several weeks after they s’posedly were published.

As this comic’s title hints, this comic followed the tradition o’ focusing on cute animals ( Garfield was my favorite comic @ the time ). 2 o’ the main trio, Pandora the Maine Coon ( Pandy for short ) & Peta the bunny, were based on pets we had. Since this comic is 20 years ol’, you can probably surmise that these animals aren’t ’live anymo’. Doney wasn’t based on any real animal I had, tho I did later get a turtle I named Doney, who also died, since I was too poor to afford the proper equipment & too busy to take care o’ it. Those who have read my great work, “Doney & Sid & the Epic o’ the Lightbulb Bong”, may recognize that name. After I wrapped up the 3rd “book” — yes, I drew these comics into fake treasury books like real newspaper comics had, included with commentary in red pencil, which I think was inspired by a Dilbert book, back when Dilbert was a comic people actually read for the comic itself, not just a footnote to its creator’s wacky Twitter political antics — I renamed the comic “Doney & Sid” & continued writing comics, only on rare occasions actually drawing comics, for a few years later, all the way up to when I started writing the unreleased novel Boskeopolis, the precursor to Boskeopolis Stories ( which, itself, is already 10 years ol’, horrifyingly ’nough ). As it turns out, Pandora & Peta, as much as I loved them as pets, were like Shermy & Violet in Peanuts. If you’re asking me who those characters are, that’s precisely it: they were so boring that I gradually phased them out o’ the comic & replaced them with characters that could actually inspire jokes. I don’t e’en think I e’er latched onto any consistent personalities for either o’ them.

Possibly the most boring opening to a newspaper comic that wasn’t named Garfield. If I had been familiar with Pearls Before Swine by this point I would’ve opened the comic with something as exciting as an ol’ bingo-playing woman being crushed to death by a ceiling tile ( a’least that’s how that comic opened in e’ery paper by the Bezos Post, if its 1st treasury is accurate ). I think I thought I was being clever introducing all the main characters’ names & tying it to the “punchline”. Eh, there will be far worse comics.

Case in point. The red commentary below it says this was actually the 1st comic I made. That can be the only explanation for why I chose “Where’s the Turtle’s Treat” o’ all lines as the title for the 1st “treasury”, as it’s not a particularly funny punchline. I guess the joke is that their owner is abusive & neglects his turtle. So he’s a foreshadowing o’ my neglect for my real turtle later on in high school.

I included this comic only ’cause o’ the commentary below it, pointing out how “interesting” these early comics were. So e’en then I knew these comics blew.

I looked up “umisaki” in Google Translate, & it tells me it means “seashore”. According to my commentary, I stopped using this alter ego ’cause ’twas too close to the Ninja Turtles. Apparently I was ’fraid Mirage Comics would sue my 12-year-ol’ self.

Being inspired by Garfield, there are a lot o’ “boy, this animal sure likes eating food that would poison them in real life” jokes. ’Cept e’en Garfield was much funnier ’bout it. I will be skipping most o’ them.

The weird thing ’bout this comic is that, being made by a moomer, & not someone o’ the silent generation, like the majority o’ newspaper comics, this comic is a strange, anachronistic mix o’ boomer jokes & video game references you’d find in a webcomic. I don’t think I’ve e’er seen video games @ all in a newspaper comic. That I chose an NES is particularly weird, since I hadn’t e’en played a real NES by this point & the NES was far from my favorite Nintendo system.

O yeah, & this comic’s “punchline” is just an advertisement. That’s probably the most important thing to note — its failure to be funny, despite that being its expressed goal.

1 o’ the things I loved as a kid, & still appreciate, ’bout Garfield are all the different title banners it would have for its Sunday strips. I was always disappointed in other comics that didn’t do something like this & made sure not to make the mistake myself.

I guess I only bothered to colorize the non-Sunday comics for the 1st week — I guess as a reference to the fact that @ that time Garfield had a special version o’ the 1st book that had all its comics colorized.

I figured this comic was me trying to establish Pandora as the “dumb” 1, but looking @ the commentary below I was reminded that Pandora, who I think was bought from a seedy seller, had some obscure disease that made her not want to eat & constantly grumpy. After my mother took her to the vet & had her treated, we were all surprised by how much nicer she became afterward. So this comic, which attributes Pandora’s problem to a serious eating disorder as a joke, in hindsight is mo’ fucked-up than funny. Quite an achievement so early in my career.

I’m pleasantly surprised I found a comic that I still find funny this early. I don’t like the weird Dreamworks smirk Pandora’s doing with her brows in panels 1 & 2 but I love Doney’s sour eye in the 3rd panel.

In true newspaper comic fashion, in order to pad out these daily comics, I just keep repeating the same joke ’bout being absentminded ’bout food for the whole week.

Gulford, believe it or not, would continue up to when I stopped writing Doney & Sid in round 2011. ’Cept in this later edgelord political iteration he would undergo quite a change: he would become a Nazi. This was back in the good ol’ days when fascism was widely held to be a joke & you would ne’er hear a politicians praise Hitler, unlike nowadays where just ’bout e’ery Republican does so to get his 15 minutes o’ fame.

Then jump o’er it, you idiot.

Damn, e’en young me is straight ripping into this comic. He’s right: this comic doesn’t have a joke, other than that 2 cat comic stars happen to be fat.

This comic baffled me & made it seem like these 3 just hate each other now, but I think the joke was that s’posedly Pandora was shaved bald by Peta & this was blamed on Doney ( how she judges Doney did it is unexplained ). The problem, ’course, is that this is meant to be indicated visually, but this is uncolored, & Pandora’s hair is ne’er drawn, so Pandora doesn’t look any different.

Mo’ unfunny advertisements. Man, I was really simping for Nintendo as a kid. This was back when Nintendo’s new releases were actually exciting & not disappointments. ¿Remember how people ragged on Super Mario 64 DS for its shitty controls? Man, I loved the hell out o’ that game when it 1st came out. Li’l did we realize how shitty a rerelease Nintendo would make for that game later on.

Cleo was a cat my grandmother had, who was already ol’ when we moved in, & would die the next year. Cleo would be replaced by the world-famous Patches, who was a baby then, but has recently died of ol’ age ( as had my grandmother a couple years before then, as commemorated in my masterpiece poem, “Taco Time” ), which only reiterates how ol’ these comics are. These facts are far mo’ interesting than this comic, which thinks saying hi to someone with “uh” in the middle is a punchline.

The 2nd actually-funny comic, & only week 6 — ¡& e’en my younger self agrees! I e’en managed to sneak in a visual gag o’ Doney’s shell springing up in the 2nd panel — albeit it’s hard to see, as I was still am a terrible artist then — & a different camera angle on the last panel.

This is some surrealist antipunchline. Also, ’nother advertisement.

Before this comic I’d forgotten ’bout how the squirrels would gather round Peta’s cage. This comic feels less like a comic & mo’ a boring pet blog ’bout all the “quirky” things my family’s pets did.

Our family also had a mouse named Dario, who was my older sister’s, which Pandora would, being a cat, try to grab. Thinking back, I don’t think I e’er made a character for a bird my younger sister had — I have no idea why we had so many pets; I think my mother wanted each o’ my siblings to have a pet ( mine was a fish that died 2 days after I got it, so I got the short shaft ). I guess by that point I realized that these character’s weren’t interesting.

This is the 1st unintentionally funny comic, thanks to the absurdity o’ Peta being possessive o’er grass, which is all o’er the place, & Dario’s “punchline”, which doesn’t connect to the rest o’ the comic @ all.

I’m shocked that this brilliant character, a horseshoe that causes chaos for no reason, didn’t stick round till the end. I think I just picked a horseshoe ’cause e’en my younger self couldn’t fuck up drawing it.

What actually is shocking is that I stretched the nonjoke o’ horseshoe causing pain & suffering to these animals for 2 whole weeks. We will be skipping the rest o’ these, as they’re boring.

Young Mezun won an award for his shocking discovery o’ an e’en less funny version o’ “I Hate Mondays”.

Doney discovers some edgelord from Kiwi Farms, who, presumably, called him a racial slur.

I love my stubborn hatred o’ punchlines by adding this pointless “Got some coffe” — whate’er “coffe” is; I wonder if it tastes like “covfefe” — line, which is like taking the air out o’ the punchline — not to say that the punchline was great in the 1st place.

Funny ’nough, I only use my TV for video games. I don’t think I intended to imply that Doney is taking advantage o’ his newfound discovery o’ television programming in that 2nd comic & that I just forgot the 1st comic’s joke immediately afterward.

Cosmo was a dog my uncle had. Not only is Cosmo dead, my uncle is also dead. The photo from my poem, “Shiny II”, was taken @ his memorial ( which, despite this poem coming out in November, actually took place in June ).

I think that’s s’posed to be the phone Pandora’s chopping up. Which makes no sense, since Cleo doesn’t need the phone to come o’er. Checkmate, liberal.

When I 1st saw that this wacky topic would fill 2 whole weeks o’ material, I was pissed; but then I realized it just meant mo’ content I can skip. Fun fact: we’re now up to the 150’s in terms o’ strip #s. That’s ¼ done. Be glad you didn’t have to read the stuff I skipped.

Look @ that inconsistent characterization: before Peta was so dumb she didn’t realize she had to eat; now she’s making wisecracks @ Doney’s expense.

& now I’m realizing that Doney’s characterization is inconsistent, too. ¿Wasn’t he lazy & dour before ( he certainly is later on )? ¿Why’s he dancing like he’s Snoopy here?

’Stead o’ “Where’s the Turtle’s Treat”, this comic should’ve been called “Where’s the Joke”, ’cause I have no idea what the point o’ Horseshoe Man scheming with the moon is s’posed to be.

These comics, which introduce the character who would later be named Sid, show why Sid stuck round after Pandora & Peta got Lyman’d: these comics are strikingly much better than anything else in this tedious “treasury” — specially that 3rd comic where Sid devours the fuck out o’ the wanted poster, which is hilariously badass.

Man, I can’t believe Cute n’ Cuddly’s already going woke, bro. I can only imagine how well it’d go if someone who “treat[ed] a black unequal” tried to rectify that situation by giving them a chew toy. Actually, that’s not true: that’s how the average edgelord YouTuber “apologizes” after spending a whole hour whining ’bout cancel culture.

Literally just a Garfield comic.

¿Why’s their owner bringing a pet turtle to help him carry his golf club? Man, he really is an abusive owner. E’en I didn’t make my turtle bring me golf clubs — tho that’s mainly ’cause I ne’er played golf.

This whole week o’ comics is just Doney fat-shaming Pandora’s boyfriend. Worse, this is a ripoff o’ a series in Garfield, where Garfield does the same ( ’cept Garfield, being fat himself, has such N-word privileges ). Those jokes, unsurprisingly, were much funnier than these.

Worse, that caps off the 1st book. Well, ’cept that due to the weird formatting o’ this book, I separated all the Sundays from the dailies. Howe’er, I will spare you almost all o’ them, as none o’ them are interesting, & the vast majority just reiterate their week’s themes. But I will leave 1 mo’ with Sid:

My only complaint gainst this comic is that the final panel is bad. If I made it now, I’d end it on the final pause.

I wouldn’t blame anyone who bowed out on reading the next 2 books with me, e’en the incredibly abridged version I have here. The comic does get a’least mo’ interesting — albeit not better — in the next few books.

45. Maze Woods Story 5: Defeat the giant bee!

“Defeat the giant bee!” feels e’en mo’ like a padding level than other boss levels, repeating similar setpieces with the bees introduced in the level preceding this level, — granted they fit better here: they just would’ve had a better effect if they were introduced here — as well as returning the terrible floors you can fall thru to hide the treasure door, as well as yet ’nother down there for some coins.

The bees aren’t fun, either: puffy Wario is ’mong the least fun status effects in the series thanks to how slow it moves & how redundant it feels next to bouncy Wario; & thanks to the camera in this game, which doesn’t move unless you touch a boundary, it’s a guessing game where there are spots high ’bove you can float up to, so you’ll end up getting stung & floating up @ various places just to check e’erywhere if you haven’t already memorized the level or looked it up in a guide. They’re not challenging to get past, either, as you can just stay ducking & they can’t sting you. You’d think they’d put the effort to better differentiate this level from “Escape from Maze Woods” by making you climb up platforms that require you to be standing to reach them to add difficulty, but the bee sections in this level are actually easier & simpler than that earlier level.

Continue reading @ Level Rankings.com…

Wario Land II was a transition point from the 1st Wario Land. It introduces the main physics, controls, & moves that define Wario Land for most people: Wario’s invincibility; a greater focus on puzzle platforming than action, which better suits Wario’s still-floaty — but not as floaty as the 1st Wario Land’s — physics; & most importantly, introduces possibly the most famous twist o’ Wario Land games, the status effects where Wario gains special power by being hit by enemies, which in different contexts can be helpful or necessary for reaching places or stifle progress, whether it be springy or puffy Wario making Wario move higher than his jumps can move him, whether he wants it or not, or flat or fat Wario, the former o’ whom can go wider distances & go o’er gaps in thin passageways, the latter o’ whom can break thru ground that regular Wario can’t, but both o’ which have weaker jumps & cannot enter doors.

That said, I don’t think Wario Land II realized the true potential o’ the series, & this mainly comes down to its levels: with the exception o’ a few branching paths to multiple endings, which are basically glorified secret exits like those in Super Mario World, & the treasure doors with their repetitive, tedious minigames you have to find in e’ery level, as well as the also-tedious & repetitive guess-the-# game, which are like the bonus coins in Donkey Kong Country games, but with e’en mo’ repetitive challenges, this game’s levels are still linear &, due to Wario’s invincibility, don’t offer much in terms o’ challenge.

Continue reading @ Level Rankings.com…

I have recently compiled a long list o’ e’ery 2000s nu-metal or alt rock album I will probably e’er review on this blog — ’nough to last several years, mo’ than 60. & o’ all those albums, I promise you: none will be as cringe as this album. Yes, including BrokeNCYDE & Family Force 5, who are all on the list. Arguably Falling in Reverse are mo’ cringe, but they’re too late to be included in this series, so Ronnie Radke’s precious feelings are safe from the venom o’ my keyboard & he’ll have to stick to dressing up as Danthony Phantomtano for Halloween to occupy his time.

Hollywood Undead is not so safe, howe’er. I would joke that all I need to say to close my case is point out that this band started on MySpace, but to MySpace’s credit, they also spawned the ol’ band Drill Queen, — now mostly known as the band who created the Jimstephaniequisition song — who are not nearly as cringe. So instead I will make my case with a different statement: this is a band that combines whiteboy gangster rap & goth emo. ’Course combining hip hop & emo wasn’t that wild by that point: Korn & Linkin Park did it all the time. But Jonathan Davis & Mike Shinota weren’t talking ’bout how they’re gonna point their gun @ yo son.

The album we’ll be looking @ is their debut, Swan Songs. Despite how obviously bad this album is, my rock-bottom standards in my high school years liked it fine. I didn’t go around telling people ’twas my favorite or e’en remember it much beyond the year that I 1st listened to it & ripped a couple songs onto a blank CD ’long with random unrelated songs from CDs I checked out from the library, but I somehow didn’t feel too ashamed to play this music out loud @ places, & nobody shamed me for doing so, ’cause that’s just what music was in the 2000s. E’en I can’t remember how this was e’er allowed to happen, so there is no chance I could explain it to people who weren’t there @ the time, & I don’t think any good could come from younger people understanding this savage relic. But we can get some good laughs out o’ making fun o’ it, so that’s what we’re going to do.

1. Undead

O my god, ¿where do I e’en start with this song? Apparently its music takes Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train”, but fucks with its notes & makes it computerized & shitty.

This song is a brag rap; but rather than exemplify any actual clever wordplay or multilayered rhyming or paint a believable picture o’ someone who is a legit threat, they mostly sling around the same small #s o’ the same “motherfuckers”, as well as plenty o’ homophobic slurs, ’cause ’twas the noughties, & brag ’bout how they love getting drunk & crash their cars. I’m not kidding: they have a line that goes, “’cause we drunk-drive Cadillacs, we never go far”, implying that their drunk asses crash into a wall just after they start driving.

& if that doesn’t make your peepees shrink in their magnificent presence, a’least a full verse is dedicated to insecurely whining ’bout the haters, ’cause that always makes you look cool. It’s especially badass when it comes with lines like these:

you make me wanna run around pulling my guns out and shit
you’re tempting me to run my mouth and call you out on this, bitch

¡Don’t you dare tempt me to… call you out? & then you call them a bitch, so you’re already calling them out. Too late. Looks like it didn’t take long for you to give into that temptation.

They follow this up by whining ’bout people misinterpreting their lyrics:

¿how ignorant you gotta be to believe any of this?
you need to slit your wrists, get pissed, and go jump off a bridge
what, ¿you can’t see the sarcasm in the verses I spit?

Crackas, this is your 1st album: you don’t have haters yet ’cause nobody knows who the fuck you are. Nobody’s going to slit their wrist ’cause fucking Hollywood Undead told them to.

I should add that the chorus to this hard-edge song has lines like “get up out the way” & “I don’t give a fuck what you think or say”, which surely impressed the 12 year ol’s o’ 2008.

& then J-Dog, with the most generic rap name, comes in with these hard lines:

white boys with tattoos p-pointing right @ you
we’re breaking everything, r-rowdy like a classroom
pack of wolves ’cause we don’t follow the rules
& when you’re running your mouth our razor blades come out

Better watch out, ’cause this rowdy classroom’ll give you a close shave.

Genius claims the song has the following lines:

because there’s nothing in my life except my dick & what I spit
so my dick is in my hand when I respond to faggots talking shit
speaking of fag, already rapped with the drag
we killed him then we stuffed his body in the Cadillac

But I didn’t hear this on either the YouTube Music version o’ this song or the version I ripped off the CD I borrowed from the library way back in 2008, presumably the original release. I could understand why they would want to remove it, as it goes beyond the casual homophobia o’ throwing round slurs @ anyone & e’eryone to specifically talking ’bout carrying out a hate crime gainst someone in drag.

In any case, it’s impossible to take seriously that these clowns could carry out such a crime, anyway, especially when they follow it with these hard-ass lines:

¿so what the fuck you know about being a gangster?
¿& what the fuck you know about being in danger?
you ain’t doing this so you know you’re just talking shit

& in his defense, he’s right: I ain’t making cheesy raps ’bout being a whiteboy gangster & I am talking shit.

Grade: D

2. Sell Your Soul

We follow that hard-ass gangster brag rap with a bizarre mix o’ an emo song, starting with generic piano notes, & a “fuck the haters” anthem as the verses & chorus devolve into shouting & screaming. Like the previous song, the basis for this hate is vague; — beyond I guess the fact that this music is goofy — but unlike that song the way this writer describes it is mo’ detailed & much mo’ melodramatic, with such lines as:

¿how did it come to this? ¿how did I know it was you?
it was a bad dream asphyxiated watch me bleed
the life support was cut the knot was too tight
they push and pull me but they know they’ll never win

&

my heartbeat stumbles & my backbone crumbles
i feel, ¿is it real?, as the lynch mob doubles
they want blood & they’ll kill for it
drain me & they’ll kneel for it
burn me @ the stake met the devil made the deal for it
guillotine dreams, yeah, their guillotine gleams
the blood of their enemies watching while they sentence me
sentencing ceased sentence deceased
& watch them bask in the glory of their holy disease

I don’t get the point o’ this song or what the listener is s’posed to feel — & for as cheesy as most nu-metal is, I understand what pretty much e’ery Thousand Foot Krutch, Skillet, or Papa Roach song is s’posed to evoke int he listener.

Grade: F

3. Everywhere I Go

& then after that emo song ’bout the struggles o’ the hood life we get a song ’bout how they like to show their “weenies” — that’s the word they use — to women in a kind o’ hoedown ’bout how “bitches always know” with a wacky accent & cheap artificial music that sounds like an e’en worse Eminem song off Encore, but without the creativity — yes, I will defend Encore compared to this.

& the lyrics in this song make the previous 2 sound like Eminem in comparison. The 1st line o’ the 1st verse, in a jerky stop-&-go flow:

wake up, grab beer, grab rear, shave beard

We also get some o’ the most forced, & yet also unimaginable, references e’er:

& I’ll punk the pussy like I’m Ashton Kutcher

I’m like Cheech, you got the Chong, hitting up this beer bong

¿Is “the Chong” e’en a real thing? ¿What is the point o’ bringing up Cheech & Chong? You’re not e’en smoking weed; you’re just drinking. ¿You couldn’t e’en do drug as hard as I do?

I’ll be straight: this is the only song so far that I’ve just refused to listen to all the way thru ’cause it’s so intolerable & makes me deathly ’fraid someone somewhere will somehow hear it seep thru the headphones, it’s so embarrassing. E’en while reading thru the lyrics I could only scan them, as they are just humiliating the read. Literally the worst nu-metal song e’er — & yet it somehow merited a music video.

Grade: ☠️

4. No Other Place

See, now this song is actually pretty fun. Gone is the artificial emo shit or try-hard butthurt “fuck the haters” crap. Instead it’s just a song ’bout partying with a decent beat. There are a million better rap songs out there, e’en in that era, which was also a bad time for hiphop as for rock, but with the rock-bottom standards this album gives us, this is a godsend.

’Course, the lyrics are all dumb, specially the chorus, where the singer for some reason feels it necessary to bring up to the woman he’s asking to dance that she “got a fat ass, but you shake it like you ain’t a hoe”. ¿Do hoes not shake well? I would expect that hoes, whose job is to be sexy, should be the best @ shaking.

Grade: C

5. No. 5

This is basically “No Other Place”, but a sillier & lazier. The chorus has the singer in a very high-pitched, squeaky voice squeal, “& all the kids in the hood come on & wave & shake your hands”, which is just as rad as the average chorus line in a Thousand Foot Krutch song, while the lyrics just keep rhyming “drunk” & “fuck” repeatedly, as well as mo’ forced references that come out o’ nowhere to Paris Hilton & Bob Saget. & then the bridge tirelessly lists how all 20 members o’ this band “make the booty drop”. I will give Johnny 3 Tears, as lame as his name is, that he has charisma while rap/singing/whate’er; it’s just too bad they couldn’t get a better lyricist.

Hold on, ¿what are these lyrics, tho?

ladies show me your treats like it’s Halloween
you got a fake id & you’re 17

Genius helps us understand this perplexing pair o’ lines with the following annotation:

Charlie Scene wants to have sex with an underaged girl.

¡Thanks, Genius!

Grade: 🚨

6. Young

O god, now we’re back to the fake emo stuff, & this is the nadir. You know a song’s good when the 1st line o’ the 1st verse is, “i see the children in the rain like the parade before the pain”. Like Simple Plan’s telling these crackers to tone it down. ¿What the fuck is “the parade before the pain”? Also, after the last song I don’t want to hear this band talking ’bout looking @ children.

But during the prechorus they get pumped & angry — ¡they’re raging gainst this vague machine! — as they talk ’bout marching to the drums &… ¿being numb? I’ve ne’er heard someone so aggressive ’bout not feeling anything @ all.

What they’re marching against is, as I said, vague. The only specific line is some rag gainst “medication for the kids with no reason to live”. Clearly a bunch o’ people in costumes marching around is a better cure for suicidal depression than medicine based on peer-reviewed studies.

I really feel the whiplash when we hit this line:

but you take all we are the innocence of our hearts

It’s hard to take seriously the innocence o’ the hearts o’ people who had just gifted us such sentimental lyrics as “everywhere I go bitches always know that Charlie Scene has got a weenie that he loves to show” & “you got a fat ass, but you shake it like you ain’t a hoe”.

& if you didn’t think this song was excruciating ’nough after the 2 verses, the bridge has a children’s choir sing, “till the angels save us all”. I wish they could save me from this song.

Grade: F

7. Black Dahlia

¿Mo’ emo shit? I thought these were s’posed to be badass gangsters. These lyrics are so cliché that they actually talk ’bout how they cut themselves — rhyming “cuts” with “fucked up”, no less — & make constant references to tears being “dried up now” &, my favorite, “these tears are deadly”. ¡O fuck! ¡Don’t fuck with this bro’s tears, dogg! ¡You make ’em want to run around pulling their guns out & shit & calling you out on this bitch!

The verses are rapped in this stilted, jerky 1, 2, 3, 4 meter with the most obvious rhymes:

¿you feel bad? ¿you feel sad? i’m sorry hell no fuck that
it was my heart, it was my life, it was my start, it was your knife
this strife, it dies, this life & these lies
i wish i could’ve quit you, I wish I never missed you
& told you that I loved you every time I fucked you

This last line has the lyricist so desperate to rhyme a word “love” with “fuck” ’cause they couldn’t think o’ any other word that they invented this bizarre scenario where someone regrets not saying, <Remember that I love you, baby>, e’ery time just before ramming his cock into her — ’cause that’s a normal thing to do, not, like, when you meet.

& underneath these tragic lyrics are a generic midi sample that sounds like ’twas rejected by Wesley Willis, with the softest o’ drum beats — mo’ like plastic slaps.

Grade: F

8. This Love, This Hate

OK, now this is just nursery rhyme bullshit, with that obnoxious squeaky “DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO DOO-DOO-DOO” jingle thruout the whole song while the singer sings generic lyrics ’bout being strong & shields & lions & shit with the most grating, nasally voice, specially when saying, “& we got each other’s backs” or in the chorus. What the title “this love, this hate” has to do with this song, by the way, I have no idea.

Fitting this juvenile song are juvenile lyrics that struggle to cobble together words into halfway English sentences to keep its common rhymes:

& we once also had a story too
you can see that good men only come in few

I, too, would say that phrase, “& we once also had a story, too”, ’cause I am also an alien.

Howe’er this song does sum up my feelings for it with these lines:

i don’t wanna live this destiny
it goes on endlessly

Honestly, I think I can’t stand this song e’en mo’ than “Everywhere I Go”, which a’least was somewhat funny & audacious in how bad it is.

Grade: F

9. Bottle And A Gun

After the previous boring whiny songs, this song’s absolute stupidity is much better appreciated, as well as the much better deeper, darker beats — which, granted, just sounds like the level theme to a generic FPS.

The lyrics are, ’course, dumb & repetitive: “Funny Man” telling girls to drop their panties like he did in “No. 5” while bragging ’bout how he “play a bitch like Nintendo”, after which someone helpfully shouts, <¡Zelda!> in the background to remind you o’ what Nintendo makes, & Charlie Scene’s rapping ’bout being drunk & telling women to shake their asses ’gain while giving such killer lines, like telling women to smoke his pole like a Marlboro. Some lines don’t e’en make much sense, like when Funny Man says he’s “sexual like I’m hetero”. ¿Is he implying that LGBTQ+ people aren’t sexual? That’s an interesting inverse o’ the stereotypes that conservatives have gainst them.

On the other hand, the pop culture references are less awkward: the Charlie’s Angels bit a’least felt relevant, albeit obvious, & the line ’bout buying Tom’s soul back from Rupert Murdoch was probably the only legit kinda funny thing they said on this album — albeit it requires knowing ’bout News Corp buying MySpace & Hollywood Undead’s origins on MySpace to get it. Also, Specific Media would do Charlie Scene’s work for him just 3 years later.

That said, these poseurs have the gall to use the line, “Hollywood Undead ain’t nothing to fuck with” stolen straight from Wu-Tang Clan. That’s sacrilege.

The chorus is ridiculous, singing in a soft, soulful croon how they “can show you how to hump without making love”. I am curious ’bout that & what it e’en means, but tragically, tho they claim they can show how to do this, they do not actually do so in this song.

Grade: D

Intermission

Speaking o’ Wu-Tang, I think we’ve all earned a break from this album, so let’s listen to why Wu-Tang Clan are truly nothing to fuck wit:

All right, let’s get back to work.

10. California

This is just “Shitty California Love”. ¿Why would anyone want to listen to this song when that song already does e’erything this song meagerly attempts to do fails? ¿& why do so many people make so many songs ’bout just vaguely California as a whole? California is the most populous state in the US & is the media center o’ the world: it’s not all that impressive that you’re vaguely somewhere in this massive state like e’eryone else involved in media. You might as well make a song representing the entire US @ this point. Nowadays rappers should have to talk ’bout specific territories in California, like LA, San Francisco, or San Diego — or if they want to be exotic, Oakland or Sacramento. It specially looks silly to see these doofuses in their costumes pretending to represent a state that hundreds of other rappers already pretend to represent — & is still represented by St. Tupac, as canonized by the Council o’ Rappers. These crackers couldn’t e’en represent North Dakota.

This is the most generic song on this album full o’ generic songs with generic lyrics that just say stuff just to rhyme, e’en tho the rhymes themselves are so predictable:

horny like a sickness, quickies with the quickness
pussy like it’s business, work it like it’s fitness
listen while I spit this, game at all these bitches
now I’m gonna hit this & fuck it till I’m dickless

None o’ these metric feet have any relevance to each other, & “quickies with the quickness” is both redundant & involves a word like “quickness” that nobody actually uses outside o’ bad songs trying to force a rhyme ’cause it sounds awful.

Grade: F

11. City

O’ all the emo songs — yes, Hollywood Undead’s manic depression has switched back from their manic high o’ fucking bitches back down to their emo crying — this is the best o’ them. Yes, the lyrics are vague & repetitive ’bout making the city burn & repeat the same weird rants ’bout medication as “Young” & the chorus’s soft, soulful croon does not fit talking ’bout acts o’ citywide terrorism @ all & the soft slap drums are annoying. But the verses themselves have some pretty interesting rhythms, specially the 2nd verse, where the singer jumps from rapid shouting to a slower tempo, in an erratic way that fits a song ’bout chaotic terrorism.

That being said, I can’t help but laugh @ the hardcore simping the Genius annotation does:

Considering the tumulus/violent [sic] environment that Hollywood Undead transcended as a result of Swan Songs and Desperate Measures, this is a track resonant with the societal ills that families in Los Angeles face.

These 2 clauses don’t fit together. ¿What “tumulus” & violent environment did Hollywood Undead so-poetically transcend as a result o’ this album, ¿& how would that resonate with regular people’s problems? ¿What problems do Los Angeles citizens face that others don’t?

“City” is pretty metaphoric and self-referential; considering the band’s ascent to fame, they asked if anybody wished to accompany them during their rise, an ascent comparable to arson enactments.

1st, there’s no “pretty metaphoric”: metaphoric is binary — it either is metaphoric or isn’t. 2nd, LOL on “considering the band’s ascent to fame”. Fuck J. Cole’s big 3 — there’s only the big undead. There’s a reason Kendrick was afraid to diss real Gs Hollywood Undead ( tho, as we saw in an earlier song, a’least 1 o’ them apparently likes them 17 like Drake ).

Grade: C

12. The Diary

You’d think I’d go all-in hard on this song, arguably the most emo o’ emo songs on this album, but I’m mo’ mixed. While the opening sad strings are cheesy as hell & the singer singraps his depression like he’s in a rap battle, ending 1 verse with the line, “pour myself a whiskey & go back to sleep, bitch” like he’s emo Jesse Pinkman, the lyrics are mo’ specific & real ’bout depression than some generic tripe ’bout “deadly” tears & shields & lions & shit, talking specifically ’bout bitterness @ a father shared with his mother — tho no detail on why — & what seem to be shout outs to family members. This song e’en ties into the party sex songs, with the line, “& hoes you see hoes you see I’m just in a rut” recontextualizing the singer’s hedonistic partying as an attempt to fill a vacant life in a similar way to Weezer’s ( much better song ) “Tired of Sex”. While repetitive, the repetition works better for this song, since the repetition matches the feeling o’ being “just in a rut”. In essence, it’s an emo song, but it’s a halfway competent 1. If not for the hokey music & the squeaky voice o’ the chorus, I’d go far ’nough to call it full-on good.

Grade: C

13. Pimpin’

& after that raw song o’ deep suicidal depression, we get a song called “Pimpin’”, where the chorus goes, “we ride with gangsters and the pimping’s easy”. This song’s fine. I do kind o’ like the rhythm. ( Yawn ). ¿This album’s still going? This is less generic than “California”, but not by much.

Grade: D

14. Paradise Lost

OK, after that song ’bout gangster pimping now we have a very angsty song ’bout how angry the singer is @ God for — ¿Who fucking knows? ¿What is up with the whiplash on this album? ¿Is it intentional?

God, I’ve tried
¿am I lost in your eyes?

Maybe if you tell God they have a fat ass but they shake it like they ain’t a hoe they’ll give you salvation.

The singing is obnoxious, with the verses having this incessant thudding “augh augh augh augh”, while the chorus is the typically squeaky squeal. Meanwhile, the music is electronic goop. The only notable thing is that the opening notes o’ this song are just straight up stolen from John Carpenter’s Halloween theme, but slowed down. What a great song on which to end the album.

Grade: F

15. Pain

’Cept YouTube Music was nice ’nough to offer me the “Collector’s Edition” with 7 extra tracks. ¡That’s 1.5 times the fun!

This is the same typical screamo shit, with those patented Kroeger-brand emo lyrics:

the next of this youth with their necks through this noose
were told lies like it’s truth and we suspect that it’s you

Yeah, telling “lies like it’s truth” is, indeed, how lying works. Thank you for that clarification that clearly doesn’t just exist to force in a corny rhyme.

The singer then goes on ’bout strapping kids with an AK, which I thought was ’bout how society was making kids into school shooters or something, but Genius thinks it’s ’bout leading kids into the military. See, the problem is that they’ll throw in these short quips ’bout medicine or war, but don’t elaborate on them.

Anyway, later in that verse the singer says he’ll “watch the world die thru crimson eyes”, & then says “I cry, it turns to night” in a monotone voice like he’s telling his mom what flavor o’ TV dinner he wants that night.

Grade: F

Intermission 2

To prove that I don’t hate emo, — I certainly have no room to judge, given that I grew up with Papa “I cut my heart open, I sew myself shut” Roach — just bad emo mixed with whiteboy gangster bullshit, here’s a much, much better emo song called “Pain” as a much needed 2nd break:

16. The Natives

Mo’ midi music, only to add midi guitar during the 2nd verse.

I don’t want to hear this cracker talk ’bout “beef” while singing in such a squeaky voice.

Charlie Scene’s attempts to praise himself in the 2nd verse are adorable: yes, keep telling yourself you take it seriously & that you’ll keep getting props — ¡which are like “permanent high-5”s, dude! — for the rest o’ your lives & that your rhymes are tight — ¡just before a line with an awkward pause @ the end ’cause it wasn’t long ’nough to fit the meter! Maybe ’twas on purpose. A Genius annotation is nice ’nough to explain to the listeners that “‘Tight’ is slang for ‘cool’ or ‘good’”, which should be very helpful for the 80-year-ol’ grandma listening & wanting to know what this hiphippin’ youngfolks be all about in the cabbage patch, daddy-o. This annotation also expresses perplexity @ the description o’ the band as “6 white guys”, when 1 o’ the members is Mexican, apparently oblivious to the fact that there do, in fact, exist Mexican honkeys — & looking @ his profile on the Hollywood Undead Wiki, he does, in fact, appear to be un blanquito.

Grade: D

17. Knife Called Lust

With such a title, ¿would it surprise you to hear it start with electro clown music & then a “¡YEAHT’s GO!”. This belching voice — who is apparently “Shady Jeff”, because there’s no better rap alias than putting a dangerous-sounding adjective before a nerdy name — also nicely helps Deuce sing the latter part, “this love, this hate, is burning me away” with a raspy scream, which goes together with Deuce’s squeaky voice like if Thom Yorke & David Draiman did a duet.

I cannot get o’er how fucking generic these lyrics are. Verse 2 starts with the line, “I’m mad @ the fact that your dad is an addict”. ¿Who talks like that? ¿Is this song from the point o’ view o’ a robot? “Panic” is rhymed with “tragic”; “fuck some girl” is rhymed with “fuck the world”; “choice”, “voice”; “love”, “trust”.

Grade: F

18. The Loss

sick with myself, but I’ve got no one else
so I give it to myself, it’s the only thing that helps
it’s the same thing, this pain thing that keeps me from sleeping
& screaming to God I must be motherfucking dreaming

So, I read the 1st 2 lines &, I’m sorry, when I see “I’ve got no one else” followed by “so I give it to myself”, the only logical assumption is masturbation; but then the 3rd & 4th line talk ’bout some vague pain & screaming @ God, but it’s too late, the image o’ some angry whiteboy jerking it under the sheets has already arrived, unrequested, & any mood for epic drama ’bout nightmares & God has been killed before it could take the stage. This is the problem with lyrics as vague as “give it to myself”.

¿have you ever met a living legend, just a real friend?

Tragically, no one informed J-Dog that nobody calls friends “living legends” — tho we do call speedrunners “fucking legends”.

¿who planned his end & where do I begin? you said it was pretend
& when the bullet went thru it took more than just you
it took 2, it was you, it was me & suddenly

Bitch, you did not just describe your homey’s suicide with these nursery rhymes.

¿how could someone say they’re helpless & then they act so selfish?

O, cool, ’nother “suicidal people are selfish” line. That’s what psychologists always recommend you say to suicidal people: “quit bein’ a selfish-ass bitch & stay alive, bruh”. A’least Thousand Foot Krutch had the excuse that they probably believed in 1 o’ the weird sub-branches o’ Christianity that still thinks suicide is a sin. ¿& haven’t these crackers been spitting rhymes ’bout their own suicide idealization thruout this whole album? ¿Who are they to judge?

¿you thought you found an exit? like I said, let’s end this

this line is the most perplexing on this whole album. you say that suicide is no exit, but then follow by saying, “let’s end this”, which presumes that you have the real “exit”; but these lyrics imply that your friend is already dead. ¿so what are you going to give them after they’re already dead that’s a “real” exit? ¿Are you afraid that their ghost will languish the earth till you finalize some ritual?

I just wanna say goodbye
disappear with no one knowing
I don’t wanna live this lie
smiling to the world unknowing

This is the weirdest call & response song e’er: “Don’t commit suicide: it’s selfish & makes me feel bad & if you were a true friend you wouldn’t give a shit ’bout your bitchy problems & would think o’ how I would suffer”. “No, I think suicide is the answer”. ¡& that’s the final say!

Grade: “¿Who can relate? ¡Whoo!”

19. Bitches

OK, since these are technically just bonus tracks, this time I won’t make fun o’ yet another mood whiplash o’ a song ’bout suicide being followed by a song called “Bitches”, which has the following deep lyrics in its chorus:

bitches I hope you know
I won’t stop till I hit that ho
baby come say hello
& get your drunk ass over here let’s bone

This song has this very generic boop-boop beat with these cheap claps that —

this girl’s 17, now I’m a pedophile

OK, I think we’re done with this song.

By the way, I love Genius’s annotation for this line, which is just a blurry face with the expression I imagine any listener would have hearing this.

Grade: 🚨 🚨 🚨 🚨 🚨

20. The Kids

¡Nope! ¡Scene, you stay the fuck away from those kids! Quit staring @ their “ghetto jeans” & telling them to shake their asses.

& I’m ne’er going to take your song seriously in how rad these kids you’re preying on are when you list MySpace as 1 o’ the hip things they do — presumably ’long with playing with slinkies & collecting pogs & Davy Crockett hats. You might as well list them being fluent in JavaScript & Klingon like Weird Al’s “White & Nerdy”. Nor am I going to take you seriously when you mention beef with someone with the name EvanThomas750, especially when Genius tells me that’s just a sockpuppet account you made up for the lolz, or give shout outs to someone with the MySpace username “Ndlestremofbombs”.

Also, we’ve established that this band is “6 white guys”, ¿so who’s the guy saying, “niggas in shit alley show me where you @”? Genius tells me it’s Deuce, who’s definitely a cracker.

Anyway, this song is the same annoying electrojunk as the rest & I definitely don’t want to hear 1 o’ these guys repeat, “fuck the pain away to make it thru the day” in a song called “The Kids”.

Grade: F

Intermission 3

I know we just have 1 song left, but since I brought up “White & Nerdy”…

21. Circles

We start with some harplike dreamy plinking & 4 lines that are the closest Hollywood Undead has come to serious lyrics that don’t sound hackneyed or embarrassing:

take my hand let’s go
somewhere we can rest our souls
we’ll sit where it’s warm
you say, <look we’re here alone>

OK, so they’re not the most original lines: but compared to lines like, “I’m mad @ the fact that your dad is an addict”, this sounds like Wordsworth.

But then the song devolves into the same generic nursery rhymes o’ “find my purpose”, “everything was so worthless”, “I didn’t deserve this”, “you were perfect”, & comparing this girl to an angel & saying you need a savior & blood &… I’m almost wishing Deuce would go back to telling girls they shake it like they ain’t a hoe.

Grade: F

The last 3 songs are just remixes o’ the “Black Dahlia”, o’ all songs, & I don’t need to review them. They’re all repetitive, o’erproduced electrojunk. We are finally free from the cringe… till next month.