Unlike the average American forced to stand in line for hours like a common animal, I’m lucky ’nough to receive my ballots in the mail, & thus have already voted & can just spend next Tuesday doing my brave American duty: making unfunny jokes ’bout people round the internet babbling ’bout the election & ’ventually making fun o’ Democrats when they fail yet ’gain. But that’s for next week. Accompanying these ballots are these pamphlets full o’ ads for the various politicos running. Normally I ignore these the same way I ignore Coke when they assure me that their product is sweeter than all the others, we pinky swear; but out o’ morbid curiosity I decided to look thru them this time, mainly to laugh @ how inane they are.

The main pamphlet starts not with candidates, but with “advisory votes”. Let me lightly translate the pamphlet’s own description in Mezunese:

Advisory votes are the result of Initiative 960, approved by [idiots] in 2007.

Advisory votes are non-binding. The results will not change the law [& are completely useless].

They always pass anyway, ’cause most people know how inane these votes are. They all follow the general pattern o’, “The legislature increased, without a vote of the people, a tax on ______, costing _____ for government spending”. It is, indeed, strange that these here “representatives” as they call them that we elect to “represent” us go round making decisions without a vote from the people — ’cept the votes they received when they won their role as representative in the 1st place, ’course. Sounds undemocratic to me.

& yet somehow I doubt the people ’hind this initiative would’ve been all that concerned ’bout the legislature making decisions regarding, say, criminal law, without asking the whole population their opinion 1st, e’en tho the consequences there are far greater than idle rich landowners having to pay an extra $2 a month on their $700,000 McMansions, specially since taxes & economic issues are, if anything, mo’ technical &, being so math-intensive, require better integration with other policies to not cause problems. Also note that there are no advisories for cutting taxes, e’en tho that could seriously impact other policies. Children getting bad educations, limiting their earning potentials or e’en their ability to avoid being preyed ’pon by scams, due to cuts in school funding or poor people becoming homeless ’cause their government assistance was cut is far less dire than that extra $2 on idle rich landowners’ taxes. It’s almost as if these advisories aren’t based on any logical or just principles & are just a part o’ a political-economic religion constantly shoved into our faces by a media dominated by rich people who just-so-happen to benefit from said religion.

Anyway, these advisory votes are boring & nugatory, anyway, so we’ll skip them for the meat o’ the candidates. That’s right: get your tierlist sheets ready.

But before we start, I made this drinking game:

Take a drink any time:

• A candidate mentions “common sense”.
• A candidate mentions “strong community”.
• A candidate jerks off parents, & not in a sexy way.
• A candidate talks ’bout crime, gas prices, or their inflation fetish.
• A candidate fails to mention any concrete solutions for solving these 3 problems.
• A candidate complains ’bout “partisanship” or brags ’bout being “bipartisan”.
• A candidate mentions that they have kids & run a small business
• A Republican candidate has no electoral experience, but “runs a small business”, which is what I also like to say when I waste a weekend smoking weed & writing blog posts.

1st we have the only senate race this year, Patty Murray vs. Tiffany Smiley — yes, her last name is truly “Smiley”. Patty Murray has been senator since I was 1 years ol’ & is a boring Democrat, so we won’t talk ’bout her, but ’stead talk ’bout her competitor “Smiley”:

Elected Experience

No prior elected experience, but —

Ah, a good start. OK, I’ll let them finish:

No prior elected experience, but an extensive background building coalitions and working with members from both parties to enact legislation reforming the Veterans Administration and improving veterans’ health care.

Well, that makes up for the lack o’ experience. I totally want my state to use up 1 o’ their only 2 Senate seats on someone who only cares or has experience with veterans’ issues — certainly an important issue, but not worth trading, say, economic expertise.

Other Professional Experience

Triage nurse, full-time caregiver, President and Co-Founder of “Hope Unseen,” veteran’s advocate, mother of three growing boys.

I’m glad that she specified that her sons were growing; otherwise I’d worry that her children had some rare growth disease that probably really does exist & makes me look like an asshole for making a joke ’bout it. I don’t vote for candidates who don’t have children with pristine genes.

But I’m most glad that they listed “traige nurse” 1st. You know, like how they’ll be nursing this government, ¿amirite? ¿Right…?

Education

Whitworth College- Bachelor of Science in Nursing

¿What the fuck is this sad ’scuse for a dash here? It’s just a hyphen & it’s attached to the left side but has a space on the right? ¿Did that college not teach you proper punctuation? They taught me, which is why I go all the way & use the utmost correct punctuation, like always starting my questions with an upside-down question mark.

These credentials are also inconsistent in punctuation: the 1st 2 end in periods, but the 2nd 2 don’t. Contrast that with Patty Murray, who consistently forgets to end her credentials with periods. Murray’s only flaw is her weird decision to write “&” in the ol’ fashioned way, “and”. This is what happens when your government is full of ol’ dinosaurs.

Anyway, let’s get to the picturesque statement:

Tiffany Smiley grew up on a farm in rural Washington and dreamed of becoming a nurse. When she married her high school sweetheart, Scotty Smiley, and achieved her goal of becoming a triage nurse it seemed she’d achieved her version of the American Dream. That dream was shattered in April of 2005 when she was informed that her husband had been blinded by a suicide car bomber in Mosul, Iraq. At 23, Tiffany quit her nursing job and flew to Walter Reed Army Medical Center to be by Scotty’s side.

People have been talking this & that ’bout the risks o’ voter fraud ( this is always & only true when the Englesist Magical Socialist candidate doesn’t win, ’course, which ne’er happens ’cause they’re drunkards the bourgeosie has sabotaged their fate down to their atoms ); ¿but who’s going to investigate the troll who snuck this blurb for a Dean Koontz novel in as a “candidate” for the Washington state senate¹?

At Walter Reed, Tiffany had to stand up to the federal government and fight for Scotty, his dreams and the care he had earned. For Tiffany, her experience with the military bureaucracy highlighted the challenges facing many service members and their families. Tiffany became their voice, going to Capitol Hill and meeting with anyone who would listen to her. She built coalitions with members from both sides of the aisle which ultimately resulted in real reform of the VA to help the catastrophically injured and their caregivers.

This is all very vague. ¿What was the federal government doing to Scotty Smiley that he needed to be fought o’er, as well as his dreams? ¿Was it just half-assed health care? The whole US has that — that’s not a veteran’s thing. You’d think Smiley could “triage” this criticism o’ the shoddy health care her husband received with the shoddy health care Americans all o’er receive in “infamous country with worse health care than vile communist Cuba”, but strangely candidate who prefers a political party that has expressed nothing but indifference toward the US’s health care problems would rather babble on ’bout cliché topics like “spiraling gas prices” ( no mention o’ the spiraling ecological calamity tied to that very same gas — a much bigger cost ) & inflation, 2 complex economic topics this nurse knows nothing ’bout, hence why nurses don’t make the best senators — tho, to be fair, they’re probably better than TV celebrities as presidents:

Drawing on her experiences as a veteran’s advocate, Tiffany will build coalitions and work for policies that improve public safety and protect Washington families, combat spiraling gas prices and the inflation that’s hurting the middle class and address the homeless crisis plaguing our communities. Tiffany will be a strong supporter of our men and women in law enforcement whose sacrifices keep our streets safe and allow Washington communities to thrive.

I didn’t know experience in being a veteran’s advocate was related to “public safety” & “protect[ing] Washington families”, which translates to “will whiteknight & abuse their government influence to shelter from the law lawless police who commit racially-targeted extralegal murder”.

I would also love to know the specifics for how she will “address the homeless crisis plaguing our communities”. I’m sure by the way she uses disease-laden language that it will be with great sympathy toward the homeless & won’t just be forcing them onto buses to California so it’s their problem now.

From a small farm in Eastern Washington to the nation’s capital, Tiffany will be a voice for all of Washington.

No she won’t, ’cause there’s no chance in hell this idiot’s winning.

While I appreciate the effort to write this airport novel blurb, which does stand out a bit from the other candidates, Smiley loses many points for devolving back into the same talking points as the other Republicans, which is made worse by the fact that they’re irrelevant to the original scene.

Tier: C

Next, we have the representitve seat for district 7. The Democrat candidate is Pramila Jayapal. She has not held her seat for as long as Patty Murray, but she’s just as competent, if not moreso, & therefore is boring.

’Stead, we want to talk ’bout the exciting Republican challenger, Cliff Moon — yes, that’s really his fucking name; this is the same state that once had a candidate named “GoodSpaceGuy”, who is apparently notable ’nough to have a Wikipedia article.

Elected Experience:

None

Well, a’least he’s honest & to the point here. ¿Aren’t people without experience s’posed to a’least make a half-assed attempt @ trying to twist their lack o’ experience in some positive way on their résumé?

Other Professional Experience

Consulting Oceanographer, Water Resource Engineer, Corporate President of Moon Construction Company

All vital skills for being a senator.

All right, let’s just get to the statement:

I am running for Congress because someone needs to represent normal, everyday, hardworking Americans. I am a hard worker and have always provided for my family in the greater Seattle area.

¿You know that joke where ol’-ass Steve Buscemi puts on a backward cap & says, “Hello, fellow kids”, & nobody takes him seriously? We need a version where it’s some rich guy dressed in a Levis & a checkered shirt, like Mike Rowe or “Joe the Plumber”, saying, “Hello, fellow working class Americans”.

Which is to say, no, Mr. Moon, you are not a hard worker, you’re a lazy corporate president. You’re not fooling anyone.

I am frustrated with the current situation. Our moral compass has been displaced.

Just retrace your steps to where you last had it or check under the couch cushions. We don’t need to waste a representitve on such a petty task.

Common sense has been exchanged for political correctness.

This guy’s so ol’ he’s posting dank memes like “political correctness”, when the term e’eryone uses now is “woke”. I can’t wait till 2025 when he discovers the term “SJW” & is shocked when all the hipster fascists are using some new inane term for the basic concept o’ “not fascist”.

I am a normal American who thinks families are the foundation of a strong community.

BEEP BOOP. THE REPUBLICANBOT IS FUNCTIONING CORRECTLY. I AM NORMAL AMERICAN WHO LOVES FAMILY & FLAG.

I believe that parents have a right to know what their children are being taught.

¿Why don’t they just ask their children? Maybe it’s their own children who don’t want them to know ’cause it’s embarrassing to be learing cool shit ’bout dinosaurs & evolution & grampa tries to interfere ’cause their favorite fantasy novel — which, let’s be fair, is a literary classic that deserves its renowned; but the genre has evolved since then & grampa needs to expand his reading & start reading Discworld, Earthsea, & N.K. Jemisin — insists that humans came before animals — or afterward: The Bible kinda goes back & forth on the subject. Next thing you know these woke schools will be blaspheming on Lord Shakespeare by trying to teach children that Bohemia is landlocked & doesn’t have a coast & making Othello black & having men dress like women — all the ways modern, “enlightened” liberalism has been destroying western society.

Schools should celebrate real diversity, not Progressive ideology, should encourage critical thinking over indoctrination, and should show how America is a force for good in the world.

The latter 2 are literally contradictory, since nobody with critical thought thinks the US is good @ anything but inventing a billion types o’ butter & winning heart disease competitions. Then ’gain, maybe he means the rest o’ America & that we should just acknowledge the US as an exception. I guess Canada & Brazil did a few good things in their lives.

I am a normal American who thinks [—]

Nothing shows critical thinking like repeating “I am a normal American” like an obedient zombie from the 50s. American brains are so polluted by their fascist flagworshipping that they mix up “independent thought” with “servile nation worshipper that would make Hitler jealous”.

[—] that the price of basic goods is just too high. We have seen the cost of gas, groceries and medications eat away at our incomes.

“Back in my day we got milk for only a quarter & a quarter for only a nickel & we walked 45 hours to school e’eryday in the snow & fought mountain lions with our bare feet…”.

This man has such an “ol’ man shouts @ clouds” vibe that he doesn’t e’en recognize that he’s a living Simpsons meme.

The costs have gone up because the ideologues have decided what you should drive, what you should eat, how you should live.

Give this man a PhD in economics, he’s figured out all the problems. Yes, the shadow spirits in their underground liberally-biased caves are brainwashing us to buy o’erpriced cars simply ’cause they were made in America ( that is, Canada ) when smart people know the cheaper Japanese cars are better. That’s why Mr. Moon always makes sure to wear his tinfoil top hat to protect himself from the brainwaves. When he becomes king congress representative o’ the Christian world he will decree that all must wear the tinfoil top hat & that e’eryone will drive SUVs that will cost a nickel each.

I am a normal American who thinks freedom matters.

But doesn’t quite understand what it actually is.

We should be free to say what we want, free to hold unpopular opinions without fear of losing our jobs or be attacked, [—]

Unless you’re 1 o’ those dirty communists, ’course.

[—] free to choose what we listen to, what we read, and when or where we pray.

Note that nowhere in here does he include the freedom to not pray,

Some want to take away our freedoms in the name of safety and diversity.

“I want to take away your freedoms in the name of a celebrity TV show host president emperor king. ¿Isn’t that much better?”.

I am a normal American who desires to represent people that want to raise their kids, work hard, have money left at the end of every paycheck, and who know they can be friends with people who don’t look like them or pray like them.

You ne’er will, tho, ’cause you’re not an ordinary working American, but a pampered spoiled rich person.

This was a boring advertisement that tried as hard as it could be to be generic & repetitive, which doesn’t fit with his last name, Moon @ all. ¡You’re a disgrace to moons!

Tier: D

Next we have district 8’s representative seat. The Democrat candidate is Kim Schrier, ’nother competent, experienced, & therefore boring candidate. Competing gainst her will by Matt Larkin:

Elected Experience

I’m not a career politician. I’ll bring fresh perspectives and private sector experience when representing the 8th District in Congress.

See, this is the kind o’ bullshit spin I’m talking ’bout. Not only does he present his lack o’ experience as not a problem, he tries to pass it off as an advantage. & since Republicans hate competency, since it drills into their minds the truth o’ their inferiority, it would probably work, too, if Washington State wasn’t super blue & didn’t normally elect boring, sane, ol’-school grifter conservatives like Dave Reichert, who are just interested in tax cuts.

No perspective is fresher in a capitalist theocracy like the US than that o’ a business owner, coincidentally what all the Republican candidates are.

Other Professional Experience

Business Owner of a 3rd Generation Manufacturing Company; Associate Director of Presidential Speechwriting in the White House for a former U.S. President; Veteran Attorney licensed in Washington and Oregon; Criminal Prosecutor in Pierce County

Note that he doesn’t specify for whom he wrote his presidential speeches — probably ’cause, as a Republican, ’twas either Trump or Bush, both notorious wordsmiths, & therefore he was too humble to brag ’bout possibly writing the kind o’ Proustian gold as, “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we”, or the historic, “I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!”.

Statement

I’m running for Congress because we all deserve a better, safer, Washington to raise our families in. As a father of 4 young children, Christian, business owner, former White House staffer, and prosecutor, I have a uniquely qualified perspective on the problems plaguing our state.

Yes, no perspective is mo’ unique in the US than a white Christian business owner. To be fair, Christianity is, indeed, a fascinating, exotic religion, which worships a god who is both 1 & 3 @ the same time & is his own son, whom they worship in an arcane faux-cannibalistic ritual wherein they feast on the flesh & blood o’ their god’s fallen mortal carcass. But he’s not going to talk ’bout cool shit like this or that Israelite who chopped his murdered wife’s body into 11 pieces & sent them to the other tribes o’ Israel. The only Christian I will e’er vote for will promise to turn the white house into 1 o’ those badass hell houses — e’en if they’re just a lowly state representative. The President must accept the wishes o’ the people ( o’ only 1/50th o’ states ).

My roots run deep in Washington‐‐‐I was born and raised here.

Hold on, shut the fuck up. ¿What the fuck is that dash? ¿3 hyphens? I’ve seen bootleg-ass 2-hyphens masquerading as a sweet, elagant “—”, ¿but 3? Get the fuck out o’ here. That’s blasphemy. You end up in the 8th circle o’ hell for that sin.

My family has lived here for 165 years. We own a 3rd generation, manufacturing company, employing over 600 people, making products in the USA which bring clean water to people globally.

Lemme guess, ¿is it o’erpriced bottled water the US tries to scam on the Latin Americas after their companies polluted their natural waters?

Washington is heading in the wrong direction. Enabling policies and our crisis at the border have led to skyrocketing crime, homelessness, and drug abuse. Our state desperately needs a leader to tackle these issues.

Yes, Washington state’s border with Canada is a major issue. You have no idea how many o’ those Mounties come in, smoking their legal weed ( which is also legal here ), shiving people in the stomach or tying women to train tracks while wearing a twirly moustache & ranting ’bout Dudley Doo-Right.

We need to give parents back their voices in their children’s education.

They already have voices in their children’s education: it’s called their home, where they raise their children. But they’re too lazy to take care o’ their own children, so what they actually want to do is browbeat underpaid teachers into becoming their parents ’stead, so now ’stead o’ teachers teaching historical facts they have to become their children’s preacher & moralizer & now e’eryone else’s children has to suffer.

We need to lower inflation so families can pay bills and fill their gas tanks.

No, the government needs to ban gas ’cause it’s literally destroying the planet & Americans need to get off their fat asses & walk for once so the US doesn’t win the “Most Heart Attacks” award for the 60th year in a row.

We need to ensure free, fair elections and a strong national defense which starts with energy independence.

None o’ these 3 things are relevant. The 1st 2 may be relevant in a sinister “I will support using the national defense to help Trump pull off a coup”. ’Course, he doesn’t go into detail ’bout the specifics o’ what a “free, fair election” looks like, ’cause it’s a dogwhistle for “I’m a loon who refuses to believe that hasbeen TV celebrity who was perennially under 50% approval rating could lose reelection after he made himself so popular letting people die o’ a disease he refused to believe in”.

Together we will reign in federal spending,

To hell we will.

Make Crime Illegal Again,

No, ¡fuck off! Conservatives are so fucking lame with the billions o’ dad jokes they spew ’stead o’ actual coherent ideas. Here, let me try: “We need policies for folks, not wokes. D-d’ya get it. See, ’cause it rhymes. See, it’s folks, & then wokes — I’ll be here all night, guys, ¡don’t worry!”. I can’t wait till conservatives start talking ’bout fucking “wokeswagons” & bringing up that they’re made by Nazis, & therefore le wokes are the real Nazis, not realizing that in German it’s pronounced “vokehsvahgun”, which sounds badass, I want that car right now & I hate cars.

Maybe to solve the energy crisis & ecological catastrophe we should start the slogan “Make Americans Walk Again”.

If you truly want to “make crime illegal again”, then you’ll surely support the Justice Department arresting the ex-president for his many crimes in office, including inciting an insurrection.

( Psst, “make crime illegal again” is just a dogwhistle for “arrest the blacks” ).

I’m a hard worker

’Nother pampered business owner who doesn’t know what real work is.

it’s time to roll up our sleeves and get to work!

How ’bout you actually roll up your sleeves & get a real job like shoveling dirt ’stead o’ trying to use your inherited blood money to buy the government. O, wait, that would take actual effort & skill, & you just want to look cool like a worker, not actually be 1.

Larkin almost got me with the beginning clever way o’ twisting his failures as accomplishments, but then pissed ’way all that goodwill with his bootleg em dashes & dad joke slogan.

Tier: E

Next we have the 9th district representative election ’tween Democrat Adam Smith — not to be confused with the OG Adam Smith father o’ liberal economics — & Republican Doug Basler. Adam Smith is a warmonger who’s on the House Armed Services Committee; but all Americans are war criminals, — or as the hip anarchists say in the burbs, AAAWC, which is pronounced like a crow squawk — so Adam Smith, who can’t squawk like a crow, is still boring. So let’s move on to Doug Basler:

Nobody fucking cares ’bout his lack o’ experience — tho I will bring up, to be fair, that he does claim to have supported homeless people with food as part o’ his church, so he is 1 o’ the few Republicans who doesn’t utterly despise the homeless. Maybe.

Anyway, let’s hurry this up, the election’s coming & my 5 readers who don’t live in Washington State won’t know who to illegally vote 20 times for without my unfunny jokes.

Statement

Career politicians are the biggest problem in government today, promising they’ll fix your problems and then, when elected, they ignore you until they need your vote again.

That’s a terrible way to hold a career, since in order to keep that career you need to keep being elected, which is hard when people get pissed @ you & don’t vote for you after your clever li’l trick.

¿Who is the alternative to a “career politician”? ¿A politician who’s honest ’nough to admit out loud that they don’t give a fuck ’bout being reelected & don’t bother not pissing off their constituents?

The 9th District deserves more than a longtime incumbent and tired promises.

“We deserve mo’ than someone with proven experience. We need some rando we found off the street who has no idea what they’re doing”.

¿What promises has Adam Smith failed to keep? It’s not as if Washington State’s Democrats masquerade as conservatives to trick some imaginary conservative majority to vote for them.

When we lose our voice, we can also lose our opportunity at the American Dream.

I’m starting to think these hopeless Republican joke candidates are here only so they can say they’ve technically had their doggerel poetry published.

We elect representatives to maintain a safe environment for our families and children, to protect our borders, our economy, and our constitutional rights.

Nope. Maybe some Washingtonians do, but not ’nough o’ them that their candidates don’t lose. “We, the privileged minority, keep voting for things that the majority have no interest in ’cause it screws them o’er, & then the majority o’erride us & vote for free gay weed & open borders with Canada so they can sneak in when the fascists inevitably take o’er Washington II. That’s undemocratic. Make Democrats Democratic Again”.

…

You know, to be honest, e’en this Republican candidate’s boring & just spews clichés ’bout “food on the table” & “gas in your car” & “dicks in my ass”. Dicks in my ass are ol’, the new hip, wokeness is “vaginas in my ass”. Get with the times, ol’ man.

Tier: Zzzzz…

The Secretary of State are both boring. Any Washingtonian reading this should vote for 1 o’ them, ’course, but that doesn’t mean we should read their statements.

I don’t e’en know who the fuck Bill Ramos is & I don’t think I e’en got to vote for this position, so I’m not sure why this is in my pamphlet, which is specific to my district. But I’m going to assume by his short blurb ’bout “commonsense solutions” ( ¡god damn it, now the Democrats are making me drink! ), public safety ( ¡hey, that’s a Republican bingo phrase! ), housing, reproductive rights, & the like, that he is boring.

As for Ken Moninski…

As a husband, father of two young girls and a small business owner, I understand the struggles many families face.

Moninski was reportedly sued for plagiarism by e’ery other Republican candidate on the planet.

The petitbourgeoisie seem to have an inflated sense o’ their population #s. There are apparently 30.2 million small businesses, so they are, @ most, ’bout 10-20% o’ the population.

We have watched as our neighborhoods have become less safe, our children have fallen behind in their education, and basic essentials have become more expensive.

When Democrats in Olympia voted to restrict policing, crime increased; when Democrats voted to raise taxes again, families suffered. We need a change. I am running to bring common sense solutions to Olympia that produce real results.

Republicans have a strange conception o’ “common sense”. To me common sense, as well as basic mathematics, is that if you cut the taxes that fund the schools, they will get e’en worse, or a’least not get better. & if not, well, then we shouldn’t care whether or not people lose more or less tax $, since apparently $ isn’t all that useful. It seems arbitrary to assert that schools, & only schools, have the magical property o’ not getting any value out o’ $. Similarly, it’s counterintuitive to think that cutting assistance to the poor, which is paid with tax $, will make it easier for them to get basic essentials.

Anyone who pays attention to the halfway intelligent capitalist economists understand the contradiction: the main conservative policy for driving down inflation, in the conservative Federal Reserve chair’s own words, is driving down spending by making it so that poor people can’t afford to buy things, the very thing this politician is complaining ’bout. This is also the outcome o’ decreasing spending: the only way government spending can logically create inflation is by buying things ( almost certainly for poor people, specially since that’s the spending that conservatives target the most ), so to drive down inflation is, ’gain, to drive down poor spending. I would love to know his magic solution, that doesn’t contradict all conservative economics, for decreasing inflation without decreasing poor spending. Now, I know a way to decrease inflation without decreasing poor spending: redistribute income so that rich people are buying less useless shit without hurting poor people’s ability to buy necessities. But this requires mo’ taxation ( which, by itself, I should add, should logically cut inflation, since it should cut spending by rich people ) & mo’ government spending, so this doesn’t fit in with this politician’s goals.

I should add that I doubt cutting poor spending will decrease inflation, anyway, since by cutting spending, you’re also cutting demand, which drives production, thereby cutting production, as well, which is the main impediment to inflation. The aforementioned conservative Federal Reserve chair & his fellow “serious economists” basically outright admitted that their main goal for driving down inflation is a manufactured recession. Granted, the other major cause for inflation are monopolies, which neither Republicans nor e’en Democrats seem fit to talk ’bout, since the idea o’ markets being competitive — you know, the thing that makes neoliberal distinguish “market” economies from “socialism”, which they merely define as a “government monopoly” — is an alien concept to our economically-incompetent politicians. In fact, breaking up monopolies would probably be the absolute best way to cut inflation, as competition is the main thing that drives prices downward & it wouldn’t dampen demand. But that’s “communist”, which is also “woke”, so a recession it is. That is what the serious people call “capitalist efficiency”: rich people deliberately weakening the economy’s productive capabilities, & their ability to gain profits, just so they can avoid paying probably less than they lose from this productivity loss, just to spite poor people.

Then ’gain, it’s doubtful this mediocre politician has e’en thought 10% o’ these things & just wants to have a ’scuse for cutting taxes & spending so rich people will give him lobby money. I’m embarrassed to just realize that I put mo’ effort & time & detail in that economic analysis I just shit out — which is surely full o’ simplifications & arm-chair theorizing — in a quick joke blog article than this professional politician did for their fucking election blurb. Not only is Moninski not qualified to be representative; he’s not e’en qualified to be published by Penguin Books.

Anyway, Moninski has gotten way mo’ attention from me than he deserves from e’eryone, so let’s move on.

Tier: Zzzzz…

Next we have Lisa Callan vs. Chad Magendaz. Callan talks ’bout keeping neighborhoods safe & helping small businesses & how she doesn’t like partisanship, so she’s basically a sane Republican, which is an exotic way to say “Democrat”, & is a way o’ saying she’s boring. Let’s talk ’bout Chad ’stead:

In an era of hyper-partisan politics, Chad has earned a reputation for building bridges.

Yeah, & he’ll sell it to you if you’re gullible ’nough.

An education champion in Olympia, he doubled school funding while reducing property tax rates for 44% of school districts.

Bullshit. Well, since this person has magically broken the laws o’ math & have increased funding while decreasing spending, surely he’s brimming with excitement to explain his brilliant strategy in detail…

He formed bipartisan coalitions passing landmark legislation on computer science education, innovative schools, electric vehicles, and cybercrime.

¿O? ¿No? ¿We’re just going to talk ’bout irrelevant other shit now? OK. Maybe it’s a trade secret.

The Seattle Times endorsed Chad in all his previous House races, calling him “one of the clearest thinkers in the Legislature” who “brings much-needed moderation and intellectual rigor to Olympia.

Well, they have shit taste, so we can ignore their endorsement.

If this cracker’s so good, ¿why did his ass get unelected in 2017? ¿Where’s his genius math formula to explain that problem?

Hold on, I almost missed this:

Other Professional Experience Computer science teacher (Bellevue SD); Software developer (Microsoft, Nike, Panasonic, etc.); U.S. Navy submarine officer

Nobody should e’er let programmers be politicians, since they’re socially incompetent, specially Microsoft programmers, who aren’t e’en good programmers. He must’ve learned his fudging bullshit #s skill show ’bove from Microsoft.

Ah, ¿but what does the Progressive Voter’s Guide say ’bout him that he modestly forget to mention?

Magendanz was proud of his “A” rating from the National Rifle Association during his last campaign, which raises questions about his willingness to keep our communities safe from gun violence.

A gun nut ( surprisingly, no talk o’ gun control anywhere in this pamphlet, ’cause e’en Republicans know gunhumping isn’t popular in Washington ). Nice try, Chad. It’s time to put down your 1st-person-shooters & get serious.

Tier: 🤓

OK, but fuck this nerd, ’cause we finally have an exciting candidate in Republican Stephanie Peters:

Elected Experience

Renton PCO since 2007. No War-Full Stop.

A PCO is basically just a Republican intern. I have no idea what “No War-Full Stop” is s’posed to be, specially what a “war-full” is. I think this is ’nother bastard em dash. I tried looking it up, but couldn’t find any organization with that name, so I think Peters just got so excited to give her opinion that she just spewed it in her experience section for an early treat.

Other Professional Experience

33 years in resource and finance management, auditing, implementing efficiency measures, turning problems into solutions.

This is the same empty padding that e’ery entry-level manager puts on their résumé to pretend like they’ve accomplished anything or have any skills.

Only that which is measured can be improved.

This sounds like something a dictator from a creepy dystopian work would say. Well, happiness can’t be measured, so I guess it must be expunged.

Government is no different. All the money spent in this state needs audited and any felonious usage recaptured and returned. Accountability in government – no matter who!

BEEP BOOP. I WILL FIND ALL THE OFFICIALS WHO ARE SNEAKING PENS HOME & WILL EXTERMINATE THEM.

Government is different in that it’s government & not business, & therefore requires different skills. For instance, what is “efficient” when it comes to running a laundry business turns into “violations o’ international law” when it comes to, say, military managing.

Statement

You have a right to assurance of election security and integrity, and our elected officials have an obligation to provide verifiable information so you can pursue and obtain that assurance.

So tell me, person who has no experience or expertise when it comes to the complex matters o’ elections, what assurances you provide in terms o’ “security” ( ¿does this include security from harrassment by pollwatchers? ) & “integrity” & what “verification” process elected officials are “obligated” to provide.

WA Voters are expected to “Trust the system,” yet we cannot verify that our voter rolls are clean, that our ballot chain-of-custody is sound, that our tabulation process has integrity, that our routers aren’t vulnerable to exploitation, that our systems aren’t being misused, or that our election management system is secure enough to withstand cyber attacks.

I mean, in a way, this in true, in the same way that postmodernists are right when they say that we don’t truly know anything, that all knowledge is merely an interpretation o’ senses. So I guess we should just give up on all elections, since our election system isn’t 100% verified to be proven mathematically correct thru objective science & this genius intern & bookkeeper can’t seem to provide any example for a “verification process” for our voter rolls that they are “clean” — clean o’ what, I don’t know. Call me radical, but I think that all votes matter, e’en those with cumstains on them. Cumstains on your ballot means you love democracy, so if you’re gainst cumstains on ballots, you’re gainst democracy.

Basically, this is all FUD by & for people who must experience this feeling a lot, since there is much unknown to their uneducated asses. I feel like actually reading a book or 2 & not being a moron is a far better solution to their crippling anxiety & uncertainty in this complex, technological world than trying to run for government.

Stand with me…demand change. Trust, but verify.

I think this last sentence came from some political speech generator.

Tier: 🤪

Next we have Steve Bergquist vs. Jeanette Burrage. Bergquist is an ordinary man in an ordinary flannel shirt & is boring. As for Burrage…

Community Service

Currently: Assisting a disabled man with shopping, bill paying and home maintenance[…]

The most entertainment I will get from this blurb is imagining this candidate thumbing this blurb out while standing in checkout.

Statement

Jeanette believes restoring safety in our communities needs to be a higher priority.

Jeanette is wrong: danger builds character, & as e’ery cartoon rich man will tell you, disruption is the lifeblood o’ dynamic capitalism.

She believes we need to restore respect for the role of parents concerning their children.

This is impossible, not the least o’ which ’cause the average parent is too half-assed to respect the role for themselves, much less will anyone else respect these slobs when they just sit there & let their brat scream & kick people on an 8-hour flight.

The State legislature passed a bill requiring all public school personnel to learn oppression-victim identity principles so they can be taught to students.

That sounds like bootleg Marxism, & I am aghast. ¿How much funding must we give these schools till they can afford to teach the real thing? I won’t have my kids learning anything but authentic, homegrown, GMO-free, American-made Marxism. Accept no substitutes ( ’cept teachers — they’re cool ).

¿Why do I have a feeling that this is something this idiot made up ’cause they’re an idiot & a liar? — such an idiotic liar that they couldn’t e’en come up with halfway convincing fake leftist concept. ¿“Oppression-victim identity principle”? That’s not a sociological concept — that’s a mathematical law.

Our children will be taught that their racial identity will determine their lot in life.

“¡They’re not teaching my kids happy lies & now they won’t end up as delusional as I am!”.

Parents should have a greater choice.

“I believe children are possessions, mere objects & slaves, to their parents & have no rights to an indendent life outside their parents & their parents’ tiny cult communes & should be kept ’hind iron curtains ’way from any alien knowledge like a North Korean citizen”. I love the hypocrisy o’ religious nuts who complain ’bout Marxism, e’en tho none o’ these tools could e’en comprehend a page o’ Das Kapital if their lives depended on it, but are in favor o’ forcing children to be subjected to lame-ass religious communes. Imagine choosing lame-ass religious communes o’er badass worker communes where e’eryone smokes weed & speaks German. Conservatives truly have no culture.

Jeanette Burrage will seek out root causes of problems and work with integrity for long term solutions to keep our district a thriving place to live for everyone.

Well, since the root cause o’ all problems, including heartburn, is capitalism, that means she’s going to o’erthrow it. ¡Radical!

This was mediocre, other than the slight spice o’ the CPR — also known as Capricious Pastry Rhino [ update: “CRT” has become such an empty conservameme that I legit forgot its initials & mixed it up with CPR ] — conspiracymongering, which put it down a tier, ’cause she couldn’t e’en be exotic with her mongering.

Tier: D

All right, next is Claire Wilson vs. Linda Kockmar. Wilson wants you to know that she loves “public safety” ( for white people ) so much that she italicized it & actually provided a realistic # & a specific economic policy she implemented, which many studies say is effective for fueling employment & decreasing poverty, & therefore wrote a better blurb than e’eryone else, & therefor is boring. As for Linda Kochmar…

Do you feel safe? We have vehicles being stolen, rampant shoplifting, drug-addicted homelessness, repeat criminals not being arrested, drive-by shootings, and violence in our schools.

¡Fuck that nerdy shit when we can talk ’bout shootings & crimes &… ¿drug-addicted homelessness? I didn’t know concepts could be addicted to drugs, but apparently Seattle’s love for drugs is so immense that it’s gone to that extent. It’s time to boycott Rockstar if they don’t make a Grand Theft Auto game in a Seattle parody already. I mean it — quit fucking around.

We can’t live this way!

Speak for yourself: I’m doing just fine. After the last mission I accomplished I already got my own car spray lot & finally got those pigs from blocking me from accessing Bainbridge.

Do you feel your current Legislators have let you down?

No — that would require me to have expectations o’ some kind, which is a strange thing to have for government officials.

My opponent voted for many of the failed policies that have brought us to this current chaos.

Um, ¿are you not e’en going to address the study I just linked to? You’ll ne’er win our debate this way.

I’ve fought for public safety, attracting living-wage jobs, and educational opportunities for you.

Unfortunately, you win these kind o’ positives thru the right economic policies, not thru hand-to-hand combat, so none o’ this fighting accomplished anything.

I’ve fought for common sense solutions to the problems affecting our community.

They’re so commonsense, she doesn’t e’en have to list them.

I’ve fought against raising taxes and for government living within its means.

Yes, I’m sure this noble representative’s living in a slum & living off ramen noodle with all that lobby money they make & “government living within its means” doesn’t totally mean “poor people get fucked while I get rich”.

Government must be transparent and accountable to the people.

What she means is “transparently full o’ shit” & “accountable for giving me lots o’ money”.

The hard-working families in the 30th District deserve better than rising inflation and soaring crime.

MezunFact Corp judges this as “Pants on Fire” lie.

When I am elected again to the Legislature, my heart and soul, my experience, and determination will be to represent you!

¿But will her run be pacifist or genocide?

I want to point out that her opponent is also a frail ol’ woman, so the opening screed ’bout Grandma Wilson’s radical antifa drugcrimelordism is specially funny.

Tier: D

Next we have Jamilia E. Taylor vs. Casey Jones. Taylor isn’t a hockey-mask wearing vigilante who hangs out with mutant ninja turtles, so she’s boring. As for Casey Jones…

Elected Experience

Not a career politician. Endorsed by Stand Up Federal Way, Washington Council of Police and Sheriffs, Federal Way Police Officers’ Guild, Federal Way Police Lieutenant Association, Des Moines Police Officers Guild.

Yeah, he’s not 1 o’ those filthy politicians, but a police officer, who solve problems not thru underhanded tactics but thru violence, which is much better. Well, I have good news for you, Casey Jones: once the militia Qanons finally bother to topple o’er the Democrats Jenga tower & set themselves up as Dictators for Life, we won’t have any more o’ these filthy career politicians anymo’ as the police will just run e’erything for us in what we call a “police state”. ¿Now doesn’t that sound nice?

Other Professional Experience

Current police commander. Prior police lieutenant, detective, and officer with assignments as a school resource officer, SWAT member, and bicycle officer.

This guy is jizzing so hard on all things police that he e’en mentions being an officer o’ bicycles. I, too, am sick o’ all these bike gangs, running o’er citizens e’erywhere, not staying on their side o’ the street, & honking loudly.

Almost certainly, you or someone you know has experienced increased levels of crime [—]

This is, in fact, 100% wrong.

[—] such as open-air drug use [—]

That’s only a “crime” if you’re a fucking square.

Radical groups have taken over policy development in Olympia.

¡Awesome!

These same groups have prevented officers from arresting criminals who needed to be arrested.

Clearly they didn’t need to be arrested if they weren’t arrested & the world hasn’t blown up, so you’re clearly being o’erdramatic.

Let’s send a first responder to Olympia to fix this mess.

Let’s send a loudly biased man to steal our tax $ & give them to his buddies in the police.

Tier: 💀

OK, I’m getting tired o’ these clones, so I’m just going to skip ’head to Chris Vance, who has no party preference. Let’s see what exotic stands he takes:

I’m running for the State Senate as a moderate independent because extremism and partisanship is out of control in our political system, too many politicians in both parties have let us down, and voters deserve more choices.

Unfortunately, I only vote for radical independents.

State revenues are up; we don’t need to raise taxes. But schools are still dependent on local levies. Our school funding system is unstable and unfair. Crime rates are increasing while police, prosecutors, jails and courts are underfunded. And there are major gaps in our transportation system.

Remember, this is an “indepedent”, which means, “liar”, which means, “Republican”.

Not only was this as lame as almost all the other blurbs, ’twas a dishonest bait-&-switch. & I can’t abide by a dishonest politician.

Tier: E

OK, here’s an interesting 1: Karen Keiser vs. Marliza Melzer. Keiser has been a state senator for 26 years & is competent & boring. ¿But what ’bout Melzer?

Our current career politicians have no problems lying, destroying our economy, taxing us out of our homes and vehicles, supporting pro-crime policies, and policies that sexually groom our young children while at the same time labeling concerned parents as domestic terrorists [emphasis mine].

To paraphrase the wise Kurt Cobain: if you think teaching kids sex ed is “grooming”, you are a closet paedophile.

Tier: 😬

After a bunch o’ unopposed candidates, who we don’t need to discuss, we have Democrat Sharon Tomiko Santos vs. Republican John Dickinson. Sharon Tomiko Santos has been state representative since 1998 & is competent & boring. As for John Dickinson…

Take big steps to legalize cannabis; restore Comet Lodge graveyard; develop the LoWay on ADA compliant Chief Si’ahl trail as passed by City and community in 08231999, for less advantaged. Big steps for only one term as term limits for elected officials are needed.

¿Who would vote no to restoring graveyards & mountain trails thru cities?

Unfortunately, Dickinson got so high he missed out on the fact that cannabis has already been legalized in Washington State. Also, 1-term limits is 1 o’ those ideas that sound cool to edgelords who hate government but is laughably disastrous.

Pro life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness driven by a trust in truth, justice, and reconciliation without the current Animal Farm Speak that destroys our representative government, guides this campaign to fix our woke, broke, and a joke of an education system while giving six thousand dollar credits to each household.

& then he loses me. I love how he complains ’bout “Animal Farm Speak”, but then spews literal government propaganda from the Declaration of Independence ( much as halfhearted atheists think Jesus, who wants to destroy the world in a cataclysmic holocaust o’ literal hellfire, was Way Cool™, faux-libertarians think George Washington, slaveholder, was Way Cool™ ). I’m sure George Orwell, who hated empty phrases that get repeated ad nauseum by people o’ the same party would have loved the word “woke”, specially when used as a ’scuse to plunder school funds for regressive economic policies that sound cool if you’ve ne’er read an economics book in your life but thought Milton Friedman was Way Cool™ ’cause he liked, like, freedom, man, & hated that Federal Reserve he heavily inspired.

Tier: 🎄

Next we have Tana Senn vs. Mike Nykreim. Democrat Tana Senn spends ¼th o’ her tiny blurb talking ’bout her brats nobody wants to hear ’bout & is competent & boring. Mike Nykreim o’ the Election Integrity Party doesn’t wait till you’re done reading their party affiliation to let you know that they’re a lunatic.

Other Professional Experience

Just “Bing” my name, plenty there on the web. Just please take the time to read our statement below.

Perfect proof that this is a mad man is that they think anyone uses Bing anymore or that anyone talks ’bout “binging” people in these here burbs we’re rocking. I’d Yahoo somebody before I Bing someone — fuck, I’d Dogpile someone before I Bing someone. Nobody’s binging anyone round here.

Also, I don’t feel like quoting the whole thing, but he lists his marriage as “community service”. I’m not sure if that’s his alien understanding o’ being “cute” or a hackneyed “marriage, ¿whattayagonnadoboutit?” Honeymooners granddad joke.

You have a right to assurance of election security and integrity, and our elected officials have an obligation to provide verifiable information so you can pursue and obtain that assurance. Washington voters are expected to “Trust” the system, yet we cannot verify that our voter rolls are clean, that our ballot chain-of-custody is sound, that our tabulation process has integrity, that our routers aren’t vulnerable to exploitation, that our systems aren’t being misused, or that our election management system is secure enough to withstand cyber attacks.

Stand with us….. demand change. Trust, but verify!

Wait a fucking minute… ¿Am I feeling déjà vu?

Stephanie Peters:

WA Voters are expected to “Trust the system,” yet we cannot verify that our voter rolls are clean, that our ballot chain-of-custody is sound, that our tabulation process has integrity, that our routers aren’t vulnerable to exploitation, that our systems aren’t being misused, or that our election management system is secure enough to withstand cyber attacks.

Stand with me…demand change. Trust, but verify.

He e’en copypasted the slogan “Trust, but verify” & used scarequotes round “trusting” the system like some boomer who listens to Rage Against the Machine & doesn’t understand their politics. I guess he did add 3 periods to his elipses.

That confirms it: these are Twitterbots set up by Trump to troll the Washington State election. I don’t see any checkmark anywhere on this pamphlet.

Tier: 🤖

That’s all I care ’bout writing ’bout now. I’d make a funny tier list graphic with the candidates’ goofy faces, but most o’ the tiers I used aren’t e’en real tiers & I have 1 hour to post this before antifa shoots me & burns my house down & inflates my prices.

Ah, fuck it, it’s November. You deserve a treat: