Death is in the air this rainy March, but the march must keep marching, & e’er mo’ verses must be added to the death death devil devil devil evil evil songs so long as there are balloons left unpopped.

We can thank Mozilla’s new Pocket integration that pops up every time I open a new tab — a development that has predictably led open-source dorks gnash their teeth in horror @ the coming capitalist consumption o’ their ol’-fashioned villages ( presumably built in Perl ) in the name o’ Efficiency. Since this “efficiency” includes wacky articles from The New York Times, or as it should be called now, “The New York Buzzfeed”, ’bout babies playing with their food, or a bunch o’ basketball stories, — since I am clearly an avid fan o’ basketball — including 1 ’bout Obama getting a jersey ( that’s racist, guys: the only gift he gets from me is an X Ambassadors album in all their milky-white glory ), or shit from the billionth knock-off o’ Lifehacker, “Two Cents Lifehacker”, whose name e’en spells out how cheap they are, I shall join these modern-day Jacobins in ranting ’bout it uselessly on the internet — just like authentic modern-day leftists — & snorting @ those who don’t use emacs or vim, ’cept I won’t do the latter, ’cause emacs & vim are pains in the ass.

This article is “15 Morning Habits to Boost Your Creativity All Day”, by what must be the millionth Buzzfeed ripoff I’ve stumbled ’pon in this new form o’ the internet as the digital equivalent o’ all those magazines you get in the mail that you ne’er signed up for & just end up filling corners o’ your house ’cause you’re too lazy to put them in the recycling, Brit+co. You know they’re hip, ’cause they use a nonstandard top-level domain, & not in a way that gives information ’bout what type o’ website it is, as per the original purpose.

As for the article itself, it shows a striking but common example o’ having no self-awareness & an ironic misunderstanding o’ what the word “creative” means. The whole idea ’hind “creative” is that there are no patterns ’hind it. Once you find a pattern ’hind something, it ceases to become creative. That’s what makes creativity so hard & so amazing — so amazing ’cause it’s so hard, ’cause you can’t just learn it in an inane listicle. You simply will not become an atom mo’ creative by following this listicle’s tyrannical rules; in fact, you’re highly likely to become uncreative by simply following an external pattern without the self-found passion for it that makes inspiration from others work — making the inspiration one’s own ( as opposed to the common fallacy that simply copying elements o’ an actually good work o’ art without remaking those elements is “creative” — the difference ’tween, say, James Joyce & Ctrl-Alt-Del ).

We start with a paragraph ’bout early-rises being “mo’ productive”, ’cause nothing makes you artsier than becoming an assembly-line-style arm o’ the machine who is “productive”. ( Presumably, “productive” is the same as the simple-minded mainstream economics version: making a lot o’ stuff, regardless o’ quality. That a reader may not want a lot o’ low-quality stuff — that having a lot only adds to the burden o’ using it by making them put in mo’ time — is beyond the imagination o’ these “professional” writers & this worshippers o’ the god o’ Economics 101 ). After that there’s a short sentence ’bout alarm clocks just so the writer could give ’nother incestuous link to ’nother riveting Brit+co article ’bout our relationship with alarm clocks. Call me a filthy liberal, but I think what sex positions people have with their alarm clocks is their own business.

We feel you on the whole

This article provides its own evidence for my sexual harassment case gainst them.

…but we all have to begin the day eventually.

Actually, it is physically possible to sleep all day. & if I’m going to wake up ’ventually, ¿why does it matter when I do it?

This article ties in the subject o’ being a lazy asshole who doesn’t get out o’ bed & writing the next Stephen King ( he’s the only human being whose entire DNA & biological systems are written entirely in English — a 100% fact ) by claiming they have morning routines for “maximum inspiration”. ¿How do we scientifically measure this purported maximum? ¿What unit do we use to measure inspiration?

I wish other superstitious elements made themselves this “scientific”, since nothing fits media made for escapism & going beyond tedious reality than tying it to tools refined for measuring tedious reality, nothing mo’. ¿Wouldn’t churches be better if they mathematically measured people’s “spiritual points” like RPGs? I wonder what the threshold for spiritual points would be ’tween the maximum & minimum o’ holiness that decides whether you get sent to heaven or hell. I know whenever I eat, I always measure its “zestium” count to see where that meal lies on the line ’tween maximum & minimum o’ zestiness.

They derived these morning routines by “consulting” with “creatives” & “lifestyle experts”. I’d love to know what official degrees they have — surely from regionally accredited universities. “Lifestyleology” is, I’m sure, a science right up there with molecular chemistry in terms o’ scientific rigor.

We dare you to hit snooze once you start giving them a shot!

There are so many better ways to keep you from hitting the snooze button. Here’s a couple off the scalp:

• Take drugs.
• Realize that unlike these yuppie idiots, you have a job, & if you come in late your ass will be fired & you’ll be dying o’ hypothermia in the rainy streets.
• Become an authentically devout follower to a religion strict ’nough that it teaches you you’ll burn in agony for eternity if you don’t get up in the morning every day.

I dare you to hit snooze once you live in pants-wetting fear that an angry deity will disintegrate you with a righteous thunderbolt if you do.

1. Engage in a moving meditation

The obvious choice: good ol’ fashioned western bourgeois alternate spirituality woo. Just make sure you carefully measure your “ki” so that it reaches your maximum potential.

Your morning routine is more than just the process that takes you from bedhead to beautiful.

¿When did making me creative become making me sexy?

Make the most of it by doing some mindful multitasking.

I love how these listicles can’t decide whether multitasking is “very important” or the ultimate danger o’ modern society — probably ’cause they’re torn ’tween mindlessly lapping up anything modern & being alternative, which oft becomes a form o’ quaint hipsterism as fast as some bearded twerp on accoustic guitar.

This article then quotes an assertion by a “leadership expert”, an expertise tested through the extremely rigorous course o’ him putting that title on his website.

Let your thoughts and awareness move to the people and things in your life that you’re grateful for.”

Secular prayer: the irrationality o’ religion, but without the flavor ( or e’en half the philosophical depth — which says something ). This is the store-brand version o’ the Abrahamic religions. If you’re going to buy unhealthy candy, you should a’least make sure it tastes good; otherwise, ¿why eat it @ all?

2.Shower.

In all likelihood, a shower is part of your morning routine anyway, but if you start thinking of it as part of your creative process, you may find your whole day transformed!

So, the advice isn’t “shower”, which, as the writer points out, is something normal people do, anyway, but “shower, but in a magical way”. ¿Wouldn’t this work for anything else?

• “But if you start thinking o’ driving as part o’ your creative process…”
• “But if you start thinking o’ clipping your toenails as part o’ your creative process…”
• “But if you start thinking o’ petting your cat as part o’ your creative process…”

This article is such a fucking fraud that it has the audacity to say, essentially, “1 way you can become mo’ creative is to become mo’ creative while showering”.

Certain studies have even shown that a morning shower can spark creativity.

These “certain studies” are apparently just ’nother article by Brit+co, since we all know Brit+co is a peer-reviewed journal.

3. Avoid social media

¡Ha, ha! I agree: I’ve been going round reading all this clickbait shit, like Brit+co, & I haven’t written anything new in years.

We know, we know — people are always suggesting that taking a break from social media can be the solution to, well, everything.

But by this point you should’ve recognized that none o’ their advice on creativity has been creative.

“By forcing myself to keep my phone charging in a different room overnight, when I wake up in the morning, I’m alone with my own thoughts,” explains certified financial coach and entrepreneur[—]

Fuck off with that shit. ¿“Certified” by who? ¿By her friends who gave her that “Best Financial Coach & Entrepreneur” mug for her birthday?

I’m noticing that the general pattern o’ this advice is, “isolating yourself like someone in solitary confinement is the key to high creativity”.

4. Listen to your vision board

“Don’t waste money on name-brand Ouija boards”.

No, the actual advice is that you should talk to yourself like a maniac. Finally we’re getting close to the actual key to creativity ( a’least in being a writer ) — madness.

5. Don’t check your email

I agree ’gain: don’t talk to anyone e’er. That’s how the government gets to spying on your porn cache. Tell those feds to buy their own porn.

When you check your email early in the day, you end up planning the next few hours based on what other people want and need.

¡Don’t let that email from your mother telling you that your father’s on his death bed get in the way o’ your creative process! Nothing is mo’ disgusting than other people wanting things. ¿Don’t they realize that I am all that’s important & great?

[ some trite advice & vapid secular spiritual woo… ] encourages entrepreneur and mastermind leader [ name redacted ] [ emphasis mine ].

I always take creativity advice from supervillains with a thirst for world domination.

6. Take a walk

Nobody’s e’er thought o’ this vibrant idea, so I’m glad they told me ’bout it. “Hey, ¿have you e’er heard o’ this walking thing? ¡It’s the best! You do it with your feet. Here: this is how you do it”. CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP.

7. Pay attention to your dreams

I can’t: I’m too busy sleeping.

Writer and certified dream expert [ name redacted ] reminds us… [ emphasis mine ]

…that she is a god damn quack & we don’t need to take seriously anything she peddles. Clearly Brit+co has far different standards for what counts as “certified” than I normally do, but maybe I’m the one who’s wrong. From now on my official title is “certified web content critic”. “‘Blog posts that simply regurgitate quotes from random people with made-up titles without any objective evidence, as if these randos have any intellectual authority in the slightest, is insulting to readers’ intelligece’, says certified web content critic, J. J. W. Mezun”. See, I can do it, too, assholes.

8. Meditate

¡That was the 1st routine! ¡We’re not e’en halfway through your random # 15 & you’re so creatively vacant that you couldn’t make it that far without repeating yourself! ¡Shame!

9. Practice morning pages

That’s so vague, I don’t e’en know what that is.

Curious?

These half-assed literary attempts @ libido teases would be better if they promised authentic porn, not mo’ cliché phrases out o’ Middle Class Dick’s Almanac o’ “wisdom”.

Set your alarm 20 minutes earlier than absolutely necessary…

That’s some zen shit there: ¿What is 20 less than the smallest #? Any programmer knows the obvious answer: 19 less than the maximum. So set your clock for 11:40 PM ( the very 1st second & millsecond, ’course ). ¡Your 3rd-grade math morning practice pages couldn’t stymie me!

“It can be boring, trivial, or complaining. The point of this is that you clear all the mundane stuff out of your mind, clearing the way for creativity and creative thoughts.”

Spoiler: this doesn’t work.

10. Enjoy some quiet

I’m already enjoying this Engrish sentence.

I don’t enjoy that this is a copy o’… pretty much all the other advice. It’s all just “don’t think anymo’”.

I take back what I said before ’bout this being store-brand Abrahamic religion: this is store-brand Buddhism, but only the small shred that the average inane Westerner who calls themselves “Buddhist” ’cause it’s hip with the bees actually knows.

11. Peel oranges. We bet you didn’t see this one coming!

Also, in Buddhism’s defense, it doesn’t have lol-random bullshit, either.

[B]ut now that we understand why a little morning citrus can be a creativity lifesaver…

¿& what “certain studies” have you learned that from? ( ¿Is it the popular fallacy that Vitamin-C prevents colds? )

According to [ name redacted ] — head of creativity for mindful innovation firm [ name redacted ] and former head of creativity and innovation for Gap, Inc. — oranges stimulate many of your senses.

This is ’nother thing that could be replaced with any other thing.

“According to J. J. W. Mezun — head o’ proletarian interactive gaming coverage repository The Mezunian and former head o’ imagination & word-processing for Pixelated Pestilence — the moon stimulates many of your senses”.

12. Ease into the day

You kept berating me for being slow to wake up; now I’m going too fast. ¡I’ll ne’er live up to your unreasonable expectations!

“A morning habit won’t inspire creativity if it feels like another item on a never-ending to-do list”.

E’en though that’s exactly what this is.

“That’s why my first morning habit is to not put pressure on myself to have any habits for the first 90 minutes of the day.”

¿Do any o’ you fuckers have actual jobs? No wonder you have no time to put any quality into your writer & maybe rise ’bove below-minimum-wage blog-post slave when you spend an hour & a half o’ your precious time every day sitting & communing with the great Energy Spirit.

[ The rest was mo’ metatative woo, so Mezun fell asleep ].