( as an american… ¡fuck! )

so, like, i guess they call it the sophomore slump
always crying & always drunk
a few dead, more gone, & the rest, well, on their way

( ¡thanks! ¡i hate it! )

– “Cigarette Ahegao”, Penelope Scott

I don’t e’en know what to say. The rightful kings have taken back their crown from the Russian Communist Party & asserted that, no, nobody loses better than the US Democratic Party. ¡E’en some rando named Allan Lichtman with his eldritch 13 Keys o’ Solomon to the White House failed to predict this outcome with his crystal ball!

Scrawling thru the comments sections o’ places like /r/politics & Daily Kos & Wonkette articles, it’s perturbing how liberals have responded to this upset that is apparently shocking, e’en tho polls have been showing this election as neck-&-neck with an easy possibility o’ consistently spilling ’cross many swing states for years. People had been pessimistic ’bout Harris’s chances for months before they suddenly decided ’twas in the bag, which I accurately predicted was a repeat o’ the 2016 euphoria — but this time without the polls to e’en back it up. I mean, part o’ me can understand: polls have been weird & suspicious for years & are o’erly reliant on assumptions that change too quickly &, despite the “Just World Fallacy” being a well-known logical fallacy, it’s natural to assume that the woman who had no major campaign errors & gainst which Republicans could say nothing beyond calling her laugh weird would win gainst the guy who devolved into babbling ’bout immigrants eating cats & dogs & holding a Madison Square Garden rally deliberately reminiscent o’ the infamous 1939 Nazi rallies & had infamously attempted a coup & had been spewing totalitarian rhetoric for years now. But the US voting public have been smashing incompetency expectations a’least since they elected Cowboy Ronnie Reagan: you’d think liberals would be used to it by now.

But most perturbing was how all these so-called liberals were so quick to eerily evoke The Onion’s joke ’bout rushing to find what minority group to scapegoat & bragging with sociopathic glee how fun it’ll be to see minority groups suffer the consequences o’ a Trump presidency as punishment for certain bunches o’ minorities voting for Trump, like Texan Latinos — ’cause Texas going blue was really on the cards.

( The latter is under the article, “The Coming Death of Hispanic-Owned Businesses” ).

This, ’course, includes mocking Muslims whose family might’ve been annihilated in Gaza in the most edgelord fashion:

That being said, I do like the person who replied with the ol’ saying, “Scratch a ( fake ) liberal, a fascist bleeds”:

As one would expect, these belligerent unhinged rants you’d expect from Republicans has not encouraged people to be mo’ supportive to the Democratic Party, but has done the opposite:

Just a reminder that “centrists” & “moderates” can be just as unhinged as the left & the right: that the “Horseshoe Theory” is outdated, replaced by the “Fork Theory”.

The irony is that minority groups have been experiencing this shit fore’er; — just look @ the immigration cages built under Obama or the destruction o’ Gaza happening under the Biden administration — the main change with Trumpian fascism is that now white liberals are @ risk, & that is why these white liberals are reacting with such alarm when before they were a lot mo’ calm when the violence was attacking groups o’ which they were not a part ( &, spoilers, we will see these people jumping to sacrifice minority groups to save their own skins soon ’nough ). They’re not wrong that it’s irrational to vote gainst Trump, since minorities do get less harm under the Democrats; but given how fast they are to hate on entire groups for what some members did, while giving themselves as individuals that are part o’ the white race that supported Trump the most, gives away how fake their concern was for nonwhites. It also reveals that none o’ these crackers know any progressive Latinos or Muslims in the real world that they care ’bout, as if they did I can’t imagine that they’d lump them in with those statistics they read; it’s clear that those statistics they read is all Latinos & Muslims are to them.

Now, I expect this kind o’ edgelordism from Reddit, the place that birthed us such cultural accomplishments as the “incel”, but I expected better from the comments o’, say, The Wonkette, especially since the General Secretary o’ the Communist Party o’ The Wonkette Schoenkopt herself wrote 1 o’ the mo’ sober & empathetic articles ’bout the Great American Disaster o’ 2024:

That said, as a proud Seattlite, I do stand by the commenter with what I think is an Arle icon who said, “CASCADIA FOREVER!”, as well as Daily Kos’s call for a west-coast succession — tho I think we should let the northeast join, too.

E’en AOC, the only cool politico, had to take time out o’ leaving comments on Donkey Kong 64 speedruns — ’cause she’s the only politician brave enough to appreciate that game’s genius — to tell these idiots to calm down.

I’m disturbed ( ¡in the house we’re droppin’ plates! ) that someone as cynical as I think these people are being way too nihilistic & misanthropic & it makes me skeptical that any kind o’ political improvement will happen when e’eryone is starting to agree on antisocial nihilism. After all, nobody can do that better than Trump; no Democrat is e’er going to beat him on that, & I’m not sure what use having Democrats who are better than Trump @ that would be. I can understand the tendency to fall into the idea, “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em”, but we must remember that that “’em” is fascists. If one has given up all hope on any reason or goodwill coming from the majority e’er, no matter what Democrats or people on the left do or say, I don’t see how spitting bile on vague lumps o’ people will improve that — & let’s be clear here, these posters aren’t e’en being funny or charismatic when they do so, which is why I have been elected President o’ Political Satire for Life & they are just randos on ancient blogs. ( ¿Who the fuck writes a diary on Daily Kos anymo’? Have some self-respect & get a WordPress account for chrissakes ). The only logical routes to go from there would be to put one’s hope on some kind o’ benign technocratic oligarchy — & I’ve seen no one support this, especially any scientists who could be credible ’nough to lead that technocracy, e’en if we could somehow assure ourselves that they wouldn’t become corrupted & exploit their power for gain — or giving up on politics entirely & just going back to playing video games & watching YouTube videos. Certainly these people would’ve been better served doing so immediately after these election results. If one still supports democracy & still cares ’bout any form o’ progressivism — & if the latter isn’t true, one has no reason to be complaining ’bout the current results — then one has no choice but to put hope on there existing some way out there to make progressive policies electable.

Which is not to say that people haven’t been offering up all matter o’ pet theories for why Harris failed, none o’ which are backed by hard data, & many o’ which are contradictory. Here’s a list o’ ideas I’ve seen:

• Harris should’ve been mo’ left-wing
• Harris should’ve been less left-wing
• Harris should’ve fought back mo’ gainst Israel to avoid losing Muslim voters
• Harris should’ve fought back less gainst Israel to avoid losing Jewish voters
• The Democrats shouldn’t have called Trump & Republicans fascists
• The Democrats should’ve put mo’ emphasis on how fascist Trump & Republicans are

& the solutions that actually would’ve made any sense would’ve been impossible. People complained ’bout how Biden didn’t do ’nough to deal with inflation, but don’t offer any solutions o’ what he could’ve done, ’cause hardly any o’ them have read any economics &, mo’ unnervingly, seem to think that’s irrelevant, as if reality is just what we say it is — which is a disturbingly Orwellian conclusion people on all sides are tending toward, which, no matter what side you’re on, will inevitably lead to irrationality. It’s depressing to see progressives try to offer “solutions” by just shrugging & saying, “I don’t know, I’m not a politician, these guys are — they should have a solution”. If these progressives are so sick o’ elites, ¿why are they themselves treating politicians as elites that apparently have some understanding beyond us, as if we aren’t the ones who choose them, not the other way round. I sure don’t take for granted that Biden knows mo’ ’bout economics than I do; I spent most o’ the 2020 debates getting annoyed @ all the weak statements he made, like “I am the Democratic Party”, or the statements he didn’t make ( ¿why hasn’t any Democrat made fun o’ the hypocrisy o’ Republicans being against “defund the police”, but in favor o’ defunding e’erything else, to try deconstructing antigovernment sentiments & try & make people appreciate government spending again rather than weakly going, “nuh uh”, & moving on? ¿Why haven’t Democrats turned it back around on Republicans & accused them o’ favoring “defund healthcare”? ), e’en while knowing some o’ the “smarter” things Biden could’ve said would fall flat ’cause it would go o’er voters’ heads. That’s why I’m a satirist who can freely call the majority o’ Americans morons & suffer no consequences — as President o’ Political Satire for Life o’ The Mezunian you hicks in Michigan, Wisconsin, & Pennsylvania can’t vote me out — & not a politician who has to pretend not to have disdain for these slobs. Let’s be real: the US has ne’er had genius presidents. No, not e’en Obama: he was charismatic & a great speaker, which is what a good president needs, but I bet he doesn’t e’en know what “Post-Keynesianism” is & how it differs from “New Keynesianism”, & probably doesn’t care. They have career economists who will tell them what they want to hear: that it’s impractical to decrease inflation without attacking employment & wages. ¿Who do these progressives hope will be the intellectual basis for progressive politics? It doesn’t seem to me that any o’ these progressives care: they just care ’bout any vaguely left-wing politicians elected & get mad when those politicians don’t use magic forces to make the economy good. ( Actually, they don’t e’en put much effort into pushing for politicians themselves, but mo’ whine when they get 1 they don’t 100% love ). They engage in the same anti-intellectualist wishful thinking as Trumpists; that’s the only explanation for why the American public was economically miserable under Biden but Democrats couldn’t find a solution. Maybe steady Democratic policies could’ve gradually improved things eventually; but if Democrats can’t go a single cycle without attacking Biden or Harris as garbage ’cause they’re not solving economic problems quick ’nough, ¿why would anyone expect the people who went to Trump this election to be so patient?

As my snide refrain o’ “Moderate Liberals Known for Utter Failure” indicates, I have no qualms with mocking Democrats when they don’t bother, but it’s hard to think o’ any major flaw in Harris’s campaign beyond the fact that she was a Democrat, Democrats were the incumbent, & thanks to inflation, people were mad @ the incumbents. The real world doesn’t operate on the Just World Fallacy & sometimes uneducated people vote on bullshit ’cause they don’t actually understand anything. Nothing else explains the wide turn from Biden’s massive 81-million win in 2020, after which Biden did better than any progressive expected, & did pretty much what any centrist would expect, & his low polling in 2024. & people who bet on racism & sexism — as if the racists & sexists didn’t already have a better candidate than any white male Democrat than the loudly racist & sexist Trump — are forgetting that the whole reason the Democratic Party frantically switched to Harris was ’cause o’ how low Biden’s polling was. ¿Why was Harris’s higher then? While using that rationale may make leftists feel a sense o’ catharsis gainst terrible people — as if it’s healthy for leftists to stew impotently in their nihilism — all this does is punish potential future women & possibly black candidates ( despite Obama still being 1 o’ the most popular recent Democrat candidate disproving the latter ) for indefinite cycles based on the sloppy assumption that “women are unelectable” based on 2 evidence points, both o’ which skewed in many ways. E’en if Harris were to blame for not “communicating well enough” to people who get all their politics from rightwing grifters who have an interest in making up whate’er bullshit they can gainst the Democrats ( how this is done short o’ magical mind-control technology is ne’er elucidated by these self-asserted strategists ) or for being “devoid o’ personality” or “a husk o’ a human”, in contrast to Biden, the world’s most exciting politician, who, ne’ertheless, has the record for winning the most votes o’ any US president ( & which is a suspiciously common critique gainst women candidates ), then progressives have no step to stand on for blaming the “institutional” Democrats: the progressives were all demanding Biden step aside for Harris after his amazing debate where he revealed to the world how he beat medicare; I heard not a single complaint ’bout Harris would lose the racist & sexist vote that progressives surely hold dear. Same goes for the people whining ’bout how primary votes were ignored: I heard not a single complaint about such back in July; ¿now you cowards suddenly pretend like ’twas a problem all along?

None o’ this is a strong defense for the Bidens & Harrises o’ the Democratic Party, for whom any defense or attack from me is meaningless ( making jokes, like calling Biden “Biden His Time”, is a different story, as they bring us laughter, which is very useful ). Tim Kaine isn’t reading my communist stoner blog; institutional Democrats are going to do what they decide to do & what influence this post has on them could only come thru progressives reading this. I’m bored o’ hearing progressives just whine ’bout the Democrats they hold in expectation as being on their team while doing nothing to compel Democrats to do so, as if Tim Kaine & the ilk are going to read their whines & have a change o’ heart.

But what’s weirdest ’bout this fatalism is that it’s tied to some made up permanent swing o’ general sentiments & not, you know, the threat that Trump may seize dictatorial control & end elections, period — or a’least rig them so that de facto Republicans always keep control ( I’m not convinced Trump is competent ’nough — he still can’t figure out how to get the military to not hate him, which is kind o’ important to authoritarian regimes — to be able to seize control o’ the government; Trump likes to think o’ himself as Hitler, but he is not nearly as smart ). But let’s say elections go as normal: ¿why do people keep assuming election results mean permanent swings? Anyone who has paid attention to the last few decades would notice that politics swings back & forth as people get sick o’ 1 party & swing to the other. This especially happens during midterms after a newly elected president — & considering how weak the Republican’s win was this year, especially for the house, I’m going to go far ’nough to outright call that unless Trump seriously rigs the election, Dems are taking the house in 2026. & note that despite what centrists would tell you, these swings don’t go toward the center or as fatalistic leftists would tell you go toward the right, but go outward: e’ery Democratic president since Bill Clinton has inched further to the left as Republicans have gone rightward.

To be fair, there is 1 major criticism one could make gainst the Biden administration: the fact that Trump was allowed to get ’way with 1/6 & his many threats gainst his enemies. In a sense, leftists had a reason to be apathetic ’bout a hypocritical administration that brayed so oft ’bout what a threat to democracy Trump was, but did nothing ’bout it themselves, & surely wouldn’t allow leftists to take matters into their own hands. ¿What, then, would giving Democrats another 4 years accomplish? ¿Did the Democrats expect anyone to hold out the expectation that Trump could’ve been kept out o’ the oval office fore’er by mere elections, with how inevitable party swings are in this climate? If I were to diagnose the failure o’ the Democratic party to inspire ’nough passion to get people out to vote for them, there is a very simple reason: the Democratic party are bitches. Not only leftists, but e’en an increasing # o’ formerly moderate liberals who saw that the time for moderatism is dead, were calling for Democrats to stop being bitches who kowtowed to Republicans’ hypocritical, concern-troll demands & pretended that the same government that had no problem drone-striking any US citizen with a middle-eastern name could do absolutely nothing gainst a clear domestic terrorist, despite being given so many options — the supreme court e’en essentially declared the president invincible to law. @ that point the supreme court already declared the US president a dictator; but Biden, ironically just like the foolish purity-contest leftists who couldn’t vote for Harris due to her support for Israel despite the practical uselessness o’ such a decision, decided to be a foolish purity-content liberal & “protect” liberal republicanism by refusing to use said powers himself, but keeping such an authoritarian state in place for a future would-be dictator to exploit, based on this bizarre idea that the limits o’ government are not enshrined in law, but enshrined in the populace ne’er e’er electing someone who might want to ignore the law. We saw how long that lasted. Anyone with half a brain who truly cared ’bout liberal republicanism would have reacted by exploiting said powers to eliminate said court & replace it with a court that would reinstate the rule o’ law. This was the feckless party that was s’posed to protect republicanism gainst the eternal o’ 1 Republican victory, where e’ery election was the most important election, fore’er. In such a situation, US republicanism’s collapse was already inevitable. Biden was, in fact, the perfect representation o’ the Democratic party & the perfect representation o’ the US republic: a drooling senile man minutes away from death. Plus, we must honestly ask ourselves: ¿how many Americans actually care ’bout the republic, or e’en like it? I mean, I certainly prefer it to a dictatorship; — I definitely don’t look forward to feds getting up my craw ’cause I made fun o’ Emperor Massive Dumps & don’t want to go thru the hassle o’ moving my 5 cats & 500+ books to another country — but just as leftists have been warning that people need to support something positive in the Democratic party, not just vote for “not the Republicans”, leftists & liberals don’t want just “not a dictatorship”, they want a government that is truly responsive to the needs o’ the general public. History has shown that the public is willing to throw out democracy if some charismatic strongman charlatan can convince them that his dictatorship will make the trains run on time.

Now, granted, if Trump fails to destroy our federal election systems, Democrats are open to new leadership: Biden’s obviously out, since he’s basically a potted plant now; Kamala Harris’s career is o’er & she’s be standing on the sidelines like Hilary Clinton; Nancy Pelosi’s retired from house speaker; & nobody remembers that Chuck Schumer exists. The question is, ¿will progressives actually put any effort into trying to take leadership or will they continue to whine impotently on online forums while quoting some soundbyte Bernie Sanders releases from his nursing home & fantasizing ’bout a 2016 when Sanders — the only socialist in existence — became president? You bougie-ass cosplay commies like to reference Lenin & shit; well, as some rando shouted to Lenin: “¡Take power, you son of a bitch, when it is handed to you!”.

’Course there are still some delusional fake liberals — nerdy people who support Republicans ’cause they benefit them materially, but who pretend to be liberal to avoid being associated with the buffoonery that dominates the Republican party & try to fit in with the intellectual leftists who trade their material interests ( or don’t share material interests with rich white men ) for honesty & for some reason think these leftists don’t see thru them & put on a victim complex when leftists snub them — who will spew the ol’ niceties that the Democrats are just too vicious, — you know, the same Democrats who let a domestic terrorist win an election & just make himself a dictator — like Nate Silver, a STEM-lord — & not e’en a good 1, since this so-called “math geek” couldn’t e’en learn ’nough HTML & CSS to make his own website & not rely on Substack to give him a generic site that looks like e’eryone else’s, the coward — known for election polls & being a gambling addict ( running an election gambling site that bases its odds on polls like the 1s he makes, which isn’t a conflict o’ interest @ all ) & who has the delusion that he knows anything ’bout how people think, despite having ne’er talked to anyone in real life. Now, while a normal person on planet earth would consider the presidential candidate who repeatedly talks ’bout wanting to be a dictator; talks ’bout wanting to throw people out o’ the US for having beliefs he doesn’t like, including not believing in fairy tales ’bout an invisible man in the sky whose son/self could walk on water; & uses Nazi language, like saying immigrants are “poisoning the blood of our country” to be the epitome o’ toxic, Nate Silver is mo’ concerned with Democrats being so “ruthless” as to… force Biden to give up his re-election campaign after ’twas revealed he’s a vegetable, — e’en tho Nate Silver was 1 o’ the loudest voices calling for it — not going out o’ their way to praise the supreme court for… complaining ’bout affirmative action ’cause it s’posedly hurts Asian Americans ( ¿maybe ’cause you’re the only 1 who cares ’bout this very niche, specific issue, Nate? ), & not letting trans people be excluded from sports to better facilitate gender segregation. Also, they were mean to poor tech startups, who did e’erything for Democrats, like heavily fund Republicans ( as well as Nate Silver, who is funded by Republican Peter Thiel, but is totally a liberal, guys, he just constantly concern-trolls behalf o’ Republicans like those who pay him is all ). Funny enough, he whines ’bout a bunch o’ “unpopular” progressive policies they support & s’posed slow growth o’ blue states, all uncited, & the latter irrelevant ( western countries have slower growth than Africa, so I guess Africa is much better off than the west ), but Silver can’t say what liberal policies he thinks the Democrats should support & for whom. Then again, Silver shows his amazing ignorance o’ economics & not being rich with this hilarious advice:

Doing a better job of making California and New York growth-oriented jurisdictions will naturally make Democrats seem less like a party for rich snobs who don’t mind high taxes and bad services because they’re insulated from the struggles of daily life.

Nate, as someone who actually grew up white trash working poor — e’en living in a trailer @ a certain point in high school & relying on food bank food for a while — in an urban area, let me explain to you what poverty is actually like: we don’t care ’bout high taxes ( namely ’cause “high taxes” is high taxes on rich parasites like Nate Silver, not payroll taxes, which actually affects those o’ use with real jobs ); we are excited ’bout income tax time ’cause we get money back. On the other hand, “growth-oriented” isn’t useful, as rich people just keep all that growth for themselves while wages stagnate. Also I would take the “bad services” o’ actually having buses & trains in the city o’er having to spend thousands o’ $ on a car, maintenance, & gas to travel the miles o’ empty roads filling… whate’er imaginary rural prairie Silver thinks all poor people live on ’cause he watched The Waltons, since this cracker obviously lives in a tacky gated McMansion in Silicon Valley. Please read an economics book for once, Nate.

Honestly, there are so much dumb shit I’ve stumbled ’pon on his blog, including his laughable attempt @ forming his own made-up 3-way political triangle to pretend he isn’t aligned with conservatives based on some bullshit Hayek made up & nothing else, that we would be here all day if I made fun o’ it all. It’s clear that this guy’s understanding o’ politics comes only from doomscrolling Twitter bitch fights rather than actual books, which is why he tries to psychoanalyze the political thought o’ leftists rather than actually studying any real sociology or political scientist ( for example, it explains his confusion regarding the so-called separation o’ Marxism & intersectionality — he has no idea what “class” is, thinking that race, gender, & sexuality are somehow some completely different “identities” ). I would recommend he do actual studying, but that would take effort & time & would distract from his gambling, & I don’t think he’s arguing in good faith, anyway, & as he whines, the Democrats rightfully don’t take seriously any o’ his advice ’cause e’en they think he’s too out-o’-touch. Which is to say, I want to get this article o’er with ’cause I have books I want to read, like The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich — I have no idea why I’ve suddenly developed curiosity on learning the details regarding the transition from democracy to totalitarianism — where I can learn things from people with reading actually scholarly works, not give myself brain cancer reading such eloquent articles as this bitch-ass ho whining ’cause the Big Left Cult won’t admit that they’re all involved in a conspiracy that he made up in his schizophrenic head to force woke “emotionalist” discourse on people & something something Mad Deadly Worldwide Communist Gangster Computer God. Yeah, I would be as dumb as Nate Silver if I read mind vomit like that all the time, too.

There are ’course plenty of other out-o’-touch, irrelevant Boomers & Gen-Xer centrists & Republicans pretending to be Democrats like Matt Yglesias & Morning Joe also jumping on the bandwagon that Democrats’ problem is that they’re not bigoted ’nough gainst trans people ( & aren’t taking seriously racist Republican dogwhistles ) — ’cause I’m sure being bigoted gainst trans people isn’t going to turn off e’en mo’ leftists from the Democrats & would encourage those who are comfortable with being bigoted to stop supporting the candidate for whom the main criticism is his bigotry in favor o’ this potential less-charismatic Democratic bigot. These proclamations only reveal how shallow Yglesias & Scarborough’s politics are: people with self-respect — so not these people — don’t just change their principles so they can fit in with the winning team, but work to try & make their principles win; liberals vote for Democrats on the condition that they support liberal principles; they don’t support liberal principles just ’cause they win. If liberal principles can’t win e’er, then there is no reason for the Democratic Party to exist @ all.

’Course, these people are truly conservatives bitter that the Republican Party has become the fascist party & are trying to twist the Democratic Party from a moderate liberal party into a conservative party, but that’s not going to work, ’cause conservativism is dead, as it always becomes when capitalism goes into crisis after great depressions. The same happened in the 1930s. If Silver, Yglesias & Scarborough knew any history, they’d know that it wasn’t conservatives who defeated fascism: ’twas the ( oft uneasy ) cooperation o’ socialists & liberals; conservatives by & large supported fascism, which is why the Republican Party opposed the US fighting against the Nazis. What the Silver, Yglesias, & Scarboroughs o’ the US are calling for when whining ’bout the left being too mean gainst the Republicans by calling them fascists is appeasement — & history has shown that appeasing fascists ne’er works; the only way to beat them is to crush them.

What they do show for those still in denial is how “It Can Happen to Us”: it shows how many pretend liberals can throw ’way their principles in the name o’ being on the winning team. It makes me wonder if these 3 claiming that calling hateful immigration & trans policy what they are is “extreme” & that we should compromise with fascists would say the same ’bout the kind o’ policies Germany applied gainst Jewish people, which, after all, a majority o’ Germans supported — & as Bret Stephens o’ The New York Times said, “It won’t do to dismiss a majority of the country as biased, ignorant or otherwise basely motivated”, & how many Americans Germans were trans Jewish after all. Much as Suozzi said, “I don’t want to discriminate against anybody, but I don’t think biological boys should be playing in girls’ sports”, I could just as much imagine him saying, “I don’t want to discriminate against anybody, but I don’t think Jewish people should be running German businesses”. As Scarborough said, the opposition to the Nazi Party had a choice: “[Y]ou can support transgender Jewish rights up and down all the categories where the issue comes up, or you can understand that there’s certain things that we just go too far on, that a big bulk of our population does not support”. I’m sure these people feel good ’bout themselves now; but I wouldn’t want to be them 100 years later, given how historians will remember them — if they are unlucky ’nough to be remembered. Personally, I would rather not be eternally remembered as someone who acquiesced to fascists, e’en if it means the Democrats lose some elections.

Ne’ertheless, I’m still a bitter cynic, & I still prefer this bile to USA Today writing a fanfic in which the founding fathers’ ghosts lament the death o’ the US republic with the election o’ Emperor Massive Dumps. Apparently USA Today got the misapprehension that the death o’ the US republic & the fall o’ all political norms mean the death o’ the rules gainst posting cringe. They’re wrong.

You might expect that I’d leave it @ Democrat ( & fake Democrats ) tears, since they are the ones who lost, but no: as it turns out, Republicans are mostly reacting to this win with their own brand o’ self-victimhood whining.

For instance, Trump, rather than be happy @ how lucky he is to get a 2nd chance @ being president & having his charges dropped, would rather spend time whining ’bout policies California is planning in this very coherent post on Bootleg Twitter Bootleg Twitter:

Wait, ¿so is California “beautiful” already or does it still need to be made “great again”? ¿Made great how? ¿By making it like the poorer red states?

As for reactions from ordinary people — or people/bots on Reddit, which is perhaps not quite up to the standard o’ real people — we have women deciding to go celibate for Trump’s presidency in protest to him being a sexist pedophile rapist & the predictable triggered response from incels or young men whining that they have “nothing” ’cause they have no skills & it’s “outside their control” somehow ( somehow despite being a young white working-class man myself, I’ve avoided this tragic circumstance ) & how it’s Democrats’ fault for offering nothing — except subsidized health care, student loan forgiveness, food stamps, infrastructure improvements, assistance for small businesses…

Meanwhile, ¿what’s r/conservative talking ’bout? I bet they must be excited ’bout their unexpected victory & are probably talking ’bout all the exciting ways they think Republicans will improve society for all o’ us. O, wait, no, it’s mostly just focusing on how it effects the Democratic presidential candidate or how minorities feel ’bout it — basically, just spitting bile on their “enemies”, rather than celebrating with fellow friends, as, being a political clan defined purely on beating down others, they have no friends, & probably hate each other, too — especially those who are less pure than themselves. O yeah, & multiple threads o’ conspiracy theories ’bout election fraud because 1 o’ their senate candidates didn’t win, despite already taking the senate, anyway, based purely on “this doesn’t feel right, so it must be wrong”. That’s right: these spoiled babies would rather whine ’bout not getting all the senate seats than be excited ’bout getting a trifecta. This is why you ne’er try compromising with conservatives: they are ne’er happy with what they get.

O yeah, & we have some nice protests with signs showing “WOMEN ARE PROPERTY” & “HOMO SEX IS SIN( FULLY SEXY )”, as well as signs calling slaves property & a sign quoting the Biblical book o’ Romans saying that sodomy is “WORTHY OF DEATH” — to which I agree: such cumful pleasure is worth any risk, e’en death. ( But remember: Christians are so much mo’ tolerant than those dirty Muslims who believe in the same invisible man in the sky ). &, let’s see, fans o’ the neonazi with an AI-generated face, Nick Fuentes, sending messages that say, “your body, my choice”, the incredibly clever “get back to the kitchen”, & calling for repelling the 19th amendment & racist texts being sent to a bunch o’ black people, including children. ¿Do you think the crybaby conservatives who demand intolerant leftists stop being so divisive & doing things like Biden calling Trump & his supporters “garbage” — the meanest o’ insults, if you’re a 6-year-ol’ — & that’s why they had no choice but to vote for the pedophile rapist nazi candidate criticized these people for a bad representation o’ conservatives? ¿Do you think “liberal” Nate Silver who praised Republicans as so much mo’ civil than those doctrinaire Democrats who won’t compromise on whether or not discriminating gainst trans people is acceptable so much as acknowledged such repulsive messages being sent to kids? Nope: they have no problem with it — it’s not a “bad” representative o’ Republicans; it’s an accurate representation. It’s not just what the Republicans support, but also what the Silvers, Yglesias, & Scarboroughs support, which is why they didn’t complain ’bout it.

E’en after this massive win, what will probably the height o’ Republican success & apparent validation, I don’t envy Republicans. If this is how they react when they win, it’s clear that they are just miserable, small people. Contrast when Sleepy Joe, who was a mid candidate whose greatest achievement is still playing Luigi in Mario Kart, won in 2020 the general cheer ’mong liberals & actual hopes for the future. Hell, e’en I, whose job it is to say bad things ’bout people for entertainment, was mo’ positive than these ordinary Republicans. & it’s not as if the left, women, black people, gay people, & trans people won’t survive these 4 years & find better years in the future — much better than the bitter incels who will still be miserable & lonely or e’en Trump himself, who will waste his opportunity to just create messes & whine & spew bile just as much as he did when Biden was president.

To paraphrase a song from a much better battle in 2024:

you lied about the only people who could offer you some help;
fuck an election, you’ve got a long-life battle with yourselves