Well, it’s that time o’ the quadrennium: time to flip that coin & see if the us’s pseudeodemocracy will hobble on a few mo’ years or whether Massive Dumps Truck Trump will say, “¡You’re fired!” to its electoral system & say “¡Lock her up!” to lady liberty, as well as all o’ his enemies, from Dark Brando Sando to that McDonalds clerk who was a bit snide when taking his order. It’s hard to believe it’s been a decade since I 1st started doing these weird articles in 2014 — that 1st article being, honestly, still the best 1 I’ve written so far.

Let’s start off by rubbing our crystal ball, 538, & seeing what they forecast will be the leader of our impending doom:

Well, given how tiny the difference ’tween 53 & 46, that doesn’t give much o’ a hint — well, other than Joseph Kishore o’ the Socialist Equality Party better prepare himself for a big disappointment. Well, maybe Nate Silver on his baby Substack website has something that will give us a better clue:

¡Damn it! ¡Why can’t you forecasters twist your forecasts so they’re not right on the half-&-half mark instead o’ focusing on silly things like “being accurate”? ( Tho Nate Silver in another article insinuates that many polls are deliberately twisting their #s toward the center to fit in with other polls, making averages less accurate, due to fears o’ underrating Trump’s chances 3 times in a row, while noting that the mo’ consistently accurate polls, like the Ann Selzer polls, show Harris having relatively much better odds. )

But that’s all nugatory; unlike these vacillating cowards, The Mezunian has a forecast that is guaranteed to turn out true:

This is guaranteed to be true, since any vote that is not for the Englesist Magical Socialist™ Party is bourgeois treason, — including those from other socialist parties, which are fake socialism, & therefore they don’t count & are reactionary, too — & therefore invalid. Therefore, ¡stop the count! All those who whine ’bout vote counting not being immediate should rest easy when the Magical Socialists are in power, as you’ll ne’er need to vote ’gain when our warm protection is wrapped round you.

Anyway, I’m not surprised the candidate whose last presidency involved a catastrophic failure to take seriously a pandemic that killed millions & that ended with an attempted coup & being the only president to refuse to work with the next president during transition would be competitive with a woman who, um, changed her mind on fracking & supporting cutting funding to police, I guess. ¿Whate’er happened to Republicans being against high government spending? Funny how they only oppose spending when it involves helping people get fed or shelter & not when it involves violence or environmental destruction — almost like they’re just sociopaths who just make up an arbitrary self-contradictory definition o’ “freedom” to shroud their violent & apocalyptic fetishes.

This would explain why the Conservative Political Action Committee had on its banner the hilariously sarcastic line, “We Are All Domestic Terrorists”, which is, ’course, an absurdly bigoted assumption to make ’bout the party that spent the noughties accusing all Democrats o’ being terrorist lovers ’cause they refused to support didn’t support as ardently Republicans’ war against a middle-eastern country that had nothing to do with al-Qaeda, or why they would make such hilarious jokes, like calling Puerto Rico — whose people make up an important proportion o’ the voting citizenry in vital swing state Pennsylvania — a “floating island of garbage” @ their Madison Square Garden “patriotic” rally, which was, in no way, connecting to a certain other infamous Madison Square Garden rally, no way. ¿Why do you liberals keep accusing Republicans o’ being Nazis just ’cause they can’t stop praising Hitler as “the kind of leader we need today” or running candidates tied to neo-Nazi organizations or stealing lines from Hitler? It sounds like liberals are the ones who love Nazis so much, given how obsessed they are with focusing on Republicans’ propensity for acting like Nazis. ¿Don’t they have less perverse things to focus on? ¿Don’t they realize how bigoted it is to accuse all Republicans o’ being fascists just ’cause they choose to associate with fascists? ( ’Course, it’s perfectly reasonable for Republicans to call all Democrats communists for decades, since that’s just an objectively-proven fact ).

Anyway, Republicans can’t be Nazis ’cause they support Israel… who are currently being investigated by the Genocide Convention for possibly committing genocide gainst Palestinians & whose prime minister defended Hitler & expressed conspiratorial denial o’ Hitler’s contribution toward the Holocaust, — a form o’ Holocaust denial — which signed an agreement with Poland to deny the historical fact o’ Poland’s participation in the Holocaust, — another form o’ Holocaust denial — & whose Diaspora Minister defended antisemitic stereotypes Musk applied to Holocaust-survivor George Soros ’cause Soros dared to not to support Israel’s right-wing government, despite not being against Israel’s existence itself, only supporting its left wing. Netanyahu’s son also made an antisemetic cartoon gainst Soros that won the applaud o’ Neo-Nazi organization The Daily Stormer. That a Holocaust-survivor would be maligned by Israel is no surprise, since Israel actually has a long history o’ denigrating Holocaust-survivors for being weak sheep who just let themselves be slaughtered, rather than the warmongering Israeli revolutionary hero, leading some Holocaust survivors to pretend to be Israeli-born, & e’en now Holocaust survivors face poverty in Israel. So, yeah, Israel cares so deeply ’bout Jewish people — when they’re useful tools for serving their far-right government’s imperialistic ambitions, nothing mo’; & since Republican Nazis who spew conspiracy theories ’bout “Jewish space lasers” & who chant, “Jews will not replace us”, as well as antisemetic Hungarian authoritarian leaders, also serve said far-right government’s imperialistic ambitions, Israel supports them, too. ¿Religious leaders being cynical & hypocritical authoritarians? ¿Who would’ve thought?

Anyway, if Republicans’ “this entire ethnicity o’ people are literally trash” “joke” wasn’t hilarious ’nough — ¿why can’t Democrats take a joke? ¡Such humorless wokes! — then their response to Dark Brando Sando’s ( accurate ) comeback that Trump & his sycophants are, in fact, garbage, which deeply triggered Republicans ( looks like Republicans are the ones who can’t take “jokes” now ) by… dressing in garbage bags, confirming Dark Brando Sando’s claim: “yes, we are in fact garbage, & proud o’ it”. This is just 1 step ’way from my exaggerated joke ’bout Republicans shitting their pants to own the libs who tell them it’s bad to do so, & why The Mezunian won a Pulitzer Prize in “describing those Republican crackers exactly as they be”. & this is why all o’er the US you see despair from those with functioning brains & self-respect: there is no chance o’ teaching sanity to people who proudly dress in garbage bags to extol their rotten inner natures. Luckily, it’s doubtful that these idiots make up mo’ than a very loud minority & the appearance o’ their importance is only due to the highlight given to them by o’eranxious liberals & conservatives desperate to pretend Republicans are still normal — since the alternative is to admit that regular conservatism has become utterly irrelevant & that the only reasonable alternative to fascism in the US is some form o’ leftist.

Anyway, as per tradition, it’s time we take a look @ a bunch o’ blogs & news sources I ignore rest o’ the year:

Counterpunch

This time bitter obscure commie rag Counterpunch has much mo’ interesting articles than the usual ol’ man grumbling o’ “regardless o’ who wins, it’s a victory for capitalism”, which, ’course, isn’t news @ all, but older than time, & was already said decades ago in a much catchier song by Chumbawamba:

“Will Rappers Elect Trump?”

This lists a bunch o’ super fashionable rappers that all the zoomzooms admire like Li’l Pimp, 50 Cent, & Li’l Wayne — just like how my nephew always rocks it to Limp Bizkit & Foo Fighters — &… honestly jumps from simplistic assumption to simplistic assumption, like that black people like Trump — sorry, “a percentage” o’ black people like Trump, which is backed by a source that just lists a bunch o’ anecdotes o’ fake TikTok rhinestone-ass rappers & rap influencers like DJ Akademiks Kendrick Lamar rightfully criticized in “Watch the Party Die”, no real statistics — ’cause he’s under criminal charges ( um… ¿What? ). Let me also say that it’s funny that this writer shames “primarily white media commentators” for “ignoring” this connection while constantly referencing The New York Times talking ’bout this connection: as we all know, The New York Times is the blackest o’ news sources in the US, with such hood alumni that are deep in the culture like DJ David Brooks, Ross “Douthat Boi”, & Thomas “The Funky Stacheman” Friedman. Anyway, this certainly doesn’t mean Republicans or The New York Times are mo’ inline with contemporary hiphop culture than Democrats: back in 2016 Obama rightfully predicted the true top dog o’ rap ’tween Kendrick Lamar & Drake 8 years early. Actual polls show the surprisingly contrary data that the black woman is mo’ popular with young black men than the white supremacist. E’en mo’ surprising, despite writing so many articles ’bout the Israeli-Palestinian War & the US’s role in it, this article makes no mention o’ the Biden administration’s controversial assistance to Israel during their bombardment o’ Gaza playing a role in Gen Z black people’s cooling on the Democrats, which would certainly be a mo’ logical connection than some rando whiteboy named Nicky Jam supporting Trump — especially since he took it back after that “Puerto Rico is an island of trash” “joke”, being Puerto Rican himself. ¡Oops!

Grade: C

“Nuts”

¿What’s Counterpunch’s article, “Nuts”, ’bout? It’s ’bout my nuts in yo’ face — ¡gottem!

Grade: 🥜

“America’s First World Problem: A Crisis of Democracy”

This article offers us the stunning sapphire o’ wisdom that the US should be, like, mo’ democratic & less autocratic.

So in reading the digital tea leaves of social media and the strident voices of pundits, prognosticators and provocateurs — apparently there is an America out there lying in ruins, buried in garbage and now needs a strongman, carrying the flags of hate, fear, fatalism and racism — riding in to save-the-day from the clutches of a degenerate zombie democracy, then dumped in the landfill of history and set on fire.

Really?? America DOES need to become a WAY better democracy — at home and abroad.

Cracka, ¿you couldn’t e’en show any receipts from said social media? & you can’t blame people for wanting zombie democracy: the Halloween season is still in the air. Wait a month or 2 & people’ll be calling for degenerate gingerbread democracy.

Grade: D

“A Terrifying Choice Awaits Us”

A tedious reiteration o’ the moral quagmire ’tween the “lesser o’ evils” Democrat apologists & the faux-revolutionary Jill Steinists that e’ery reader o’ this magazine must be tired o’ reading. Ne’er mind that there are much better 3rd-party alternatives to Stein.

Grade: C

“That’s Entertainment: Popular Alternatives to the Presidential Campaign Circus”

Counterpunch contrasts the few people who want to watch a bunch o’ ol’ politicos spewing stale propaganda @ people vs. the large crowds o’ people who would rather watch bland entertainment like football & some Marvel movie, but makes no mention o’ the people who do actually interesting things, like visiting obscure caves & taking photos o’ rare wildlife.

Grade: C

“Virtuous, Smug and Venal: British Electoral Interference in the US”

This is the best article I found, a look @ various British political groups’ attempts @ influencing US elections, a reverse o’ the usual US-centric focus on how the US influences other countries’ politics. I emphasize “attempts” ’cause it also lists many ways in which it fails, including attempts to convince Americans not to vote for George W. Bush in 2004, to which the nationalistic American conservative, predictably, reacted with trite stereotypical insults gainst said Brits ’bout bad teeth & how tiny their island is. ’Course, other countries trying to influence US elections is well known, such as recent examples o’ information campaigns from Russia, Ukraine, Israel, & Palestine to strengthen or weaken the US’s assistance toward Ukraine & Israel & the mutual spread o’ far right movements ’cross Europe & the US, including Hungarian authoritarian leader Orbán speaking @ US CPAC, & is an inevitability in our interconnected modern world where the internet can make international communication happen in seconds. Notably, the normally normatively-outspoken Counterpunch is ambiguous on whether they consider foreign influence genuinely troubling, but with rarer instances like British influence getting less attention, or if the negative tone applied to British influence is ironic, mocking the way the media hyperventilates o’er the influence o’ nations the media doesn’t like like Russia, Palestine, or China.

Grade: B

“What Venezuelans Think About Their Presidential Election”

If there’s 1 thing I’ve gathered from my years o’ experience studying Venezuelan politics & listening to Venezuelans themselves it’s that one should not trust any English-speaking honkeys like this article writer — or anything any mainstream American media like The New York Times or The Washington Post — say ’bout what Venezuelans think, as it’s usually either capitalists sucking off American stooges or leftists sucking off a clearly corrupt & incompetent authoritarian & it seems that most Venezuelans I’ve heard don’t like any o’ their politicians any mo’ than Americans like theirs. Also, it’s hard not to see that it is a combination o’ the US intentionally sabotaging the Venezuelan economy thru sanctions & Chavez & Maduro’s incompetent handling o’ infrastructure development ( contrast Venezuela’s inability to make much money off their large amount of oil to heavily-sanctioned Russia’s ability to still make money off their oil ).

& indeed, Counterpunch’s defense o’ Maduro’s “victory” in 2024 is farther than e’en most left-wing organizations would go. To put it into perspective, contrast with Democracy Now!, a well-respected left-leaning non-profit news organization that usually defended Venezuela’s government, a’least gainst western media’s prematurely hysterical criticisms, in the past, but whose news article on the 2024 Venezuelan election was damning in how curt it was & how much it focused on Maduro’s authoritarian actions gainst protesters & his electoral rival. Most notably, the left-wing The Guardian, which has also defended Maduro’s democratic cred in the past, in what has to be their best-researched & sourced article I’ve seen from them, links to multiple collections o’ scanned vote tallies. I myself did the math on the proportions & calculated that, yeah, e’en if e’ery single vote not accounted for was for Maduro, it would be impossible for Maduro to have a higher vote count. Unless these collections involved an impressive amount o’ document-doctoring. Contrast this with the Venezuelan electoral authority refusing to release actual voting data, with the only “proof” o’ Maduro’s victory coming from the executive-captured supreme court. Counterpunch handwaves this by pointing out that many countries settle electoral disputes with the court system, including here in the US when Trump challenged Biden’s victory in 2020, while neglecting the mention the fact that US elections still provide publicly-available election results data, which is the actual issue.

Grade: D

“The Ukraine War is Lost. Three Options Remain”

Counterpunch prove themselves to be hypocritical imperialist apologists by spewing Russian propaganda that the US forced Russia to bloodily invade Ukraine to prevent Ukraine from joining NATO, while not e’en going so far as to assert that the US was e’er trying to make Ukraine do so, much less provide any source to back it up, with the closest being the cowardly vague assertion, also without any evidence, that “[v]ery few outside the West, however, share this perspective” ( why non-European opinions should be relevant to European issues is ne’er answered, either; Eastern Europe certainly seems to be taking the west’s side mo’, with e’en Hungary slightly preferring the US o’er Russia ). ’Course, like much Russian apologia, they completely ignore Ukraine’s perspective, treating them as just a pawn relevant only to petty archaic Cold-War squabbles ’tween the US & Russia, not a real country with real people with lives, wants & concerns — just like how Israel apologists treat Palestinians. & much like how Israel has no “right” to have a neighbor that likes them or doesn’t ally themselves with Israeli enemies like Iran or how the US has no “right” to have neighbors like Cuba not be allied with communists they don’t like, Russia has no “right” to have a neighbor that isn’t allied with the west. Maybe Russia should stop threatening violence gainst their fellow Eastern European countries & start actually treating them like allies & Eastern European countries wouldn’t need to desperately turn to Western European powers — who, to be fair, probably do want to exploit them, let’s be real. But Counterpunch, ’course, needs to ignore Eastern Europe, ’cause treating Russia as a poor li’l victim compared to Eastern European countries — most o’ which were former victims o’ the imperialistic Soviet Union — is obviously absurd. I am consistent in treating these countries, ’cause I actually have some semblance o’ principles; Counterpunch just has stale tankie ideology to regurgitate. That Counterpunch is so willing to ignore Ukraine suffering just for the sake o’ getting yet another jab against the US, as if there aren’t already many valid jabs to take gainst the US, is pathetic & shows that they don’t actually care ’bout victims o’ imperialism.

You can tell how unserious Counterpunch is by how vaguely & how evasively they call for the west to “be diplomatic” & “negotiate”, but don’t give any details on what the west should offer. ¿A promise not to allow Ukraine to join NATO? It seems like Counterpunch is the 1 underrating Russia & treating them condescendingly: Putin would have to be an e’en bigger idiot that the kind o’ leader who would sabotage his country’s economy for the sake o’ 1800s-style empire-building to trust the US’s pinky promise. ¿Remember when the US promised protections for Ukraine after they scammed them into giving up their nukes? By the way, if the west is so obsessed with stoking aggression with Russia, ¿why the hell haven’t any o’ them put actual boots in Ukraine? ¿Why is the US, a country that certainly had no fear o’ invading random countries like Iraq, so averse to occupy Ukraine now that they have the perfect excuse? ¿What would be a better time than now? It could be due to nukes; but if nukes prevent the west from invading Russia, ¿what use would having NATO on Russia’s border have? It’s not like NATO being in Ukraine would make Russian nukes less dangerous for the US.

So insistent on defending Russia that this article contradicts itself in the most absurd way. Read this:

Russia’s slow, grinding use of attrition warfare has paid off: the eastern front is buckling before them and the Ukrainian army, which has put up an astonishingly stout and courageous resistance, is increasingly unable to hold the line.

…

George Beebe sees three options. NATO escalates and becomes directly involved in the fighting – action that could have unspeakable consequences. More likely, Ukraine could suffer a collapse – a combination of military and political failure as the ability to put an effective army in the field is lost.

I want to note that the 1st paragraph is pretty much the only time this article admits Ukraine has any role in this war beyond being NPCs, but still, thru vague language, treats the war mo’ like a friendly competition ’tween 2 admirable competitors rather than a 1-sided imperialistic invasion. Replace “Russia” with “The US” & “Ukraine” with “Iraq” & you have an average op-ed from Thomas Friedman in the kind o’ mainstream American media gainst which Counterpunch pretends they have any kind o’ principled distinction.

Anyway, these paragraphs give us BINGO on the Russian propaganda card by indulging in cope claims that Ukraine is going to collapse under Russia’s brilliant military strategy o’ taking a very long time, — in sharp contrast to Russia’s early expectation o’ a quick victory, now that it has clearly failed — but then claims that NATO “escalating” ( unlike Russia, which is merely fighting a defensive war o’ invasion ) “could have unspeakable consequences”, which are that “Ukraine could suffer a collapse” — implying that the latter would be mo’ likely if the former happened, in contrast to the already-existent s’posed inevitable collapse promised in the earlier paragraph. So this article is claiming that extra military power from some o’ the world’s strongest countries would make Ukraine mo’ likely to collapse than not “escalating” & letting Ukraine be alone in what this article just claimed was a s’posed inevitable loss. If this is true, Russia should want Ukraine to join NATO to make Russia safer, as apparently Ukraine getting help from NATO makes Ukraine weaker than Ukraine by themselves. Obviously this article writer didn’t mean this & is just an idiot who didn’t think thru what he wrote.

O, sorry, this is the actual “solution” to preventing Ukrainian collapse:

The third option, and clearly the preferable one for Beebe, is that the West changes course and “picks up the phone”, ending its refusal to negotiate.

¡Just pick up the phone! ¡It’s that simple! You’ll notice that this paragraph doesn’t say what the west should do after picking up said phone or what negotiations the west should offer. Putin certainly hasn’t taken seriously the west’s insistence that they aren’t trying to allow force Ukraine to join NATO, so I can’t imagine promising it 1 mo’ time would convince him. Nowhere does this article acknowledge the possibility that there is nothing the west could promise or offer Russia that would deter Russia from their invasion o’ Ukraine — that Russia wants nothing better than the conquer Ukraine. If they did acknowledge such a possibility, their fantasy that the Russian invasion could be solved by e’eryone just sticking dicks in each other’s bums & just be friends would be dashed to pieces.

But, ¡wait! ¿What’s this?

The Ukrainians face a terrible dilemma. Most seem to realize the war is lost. Any attempt at negotiation with the Russians, however, would unleash internal pressures inside Ukraine that could lead to a coup, assassinations or other upheaval. The US won’t want the war to end before President Biden leaves office in January 2025 – and may prolong the agony, loss of life and the ceding of yet more territory to Russia for US domestic reasons rather than the best interests of Ukraine. Where is all this leading?

OK, so now Counterpunch is claiming that attempts to negotiate would, in fact, make Ukraine mo’ likely to collapse. So it sounds like e’ery option somehow makes Ukraine mo’ likely to collapse, like how all 5 moles in those desert caves in EarthBound are the 3rd strongest mole. ¿Does this article writer — there’s just 1 name attributed — have multiple personality disorder? You can’t e’en defend this as the writer being just pessimistic ’bout any good outcome for Ukraine, — which, to be fair, would make sense e’en if Ukraine manages to defeat Russia, given how much damage Ukraine has already taken — since this article clearly took a chiding tone toward the west for “refusing to negotiate”. ¿Why do you think the west should stop refusing to negotiate if you think that would lead to a coup in Ukraine?

Also, baseless conspiracy theory that doesn’t e’en make any sense & just proves that this article writer is just spewing inane bullshit that’s different from what the lamestream media would say to sound special, no matter how dumb it is. ¿Why would Biden not want the war to end before he leaves office? ¿Because successfully resolving a war would make him look too good?

After having read & critiqued way mo’ than I expected from Counterpunch, I would like to take back my earlier snide remark: maybe Counterpunch should just stick to the trite “regardless o’ the election results, it’s still a victory for capitalism” article. Anyway, I hope your drive for $75,000 goes well, I guess — o’ which you boast comes from only 1% o’ your audience. I guess that means us people who don’t donate — after my recent New York trip I’m broke, sorry — are the true 99%.

Grade: F

The Nation

’Pon seeing the front page o’ The Nation I came up with a new drinking game: take a drink e’ery time I see an article ’long the lines o’ “Here’s why you should vote Democrat despite the whole Gazabombing”. Right @ the top I saw 2:

“In New York, Progressive Values Have a Line on the Ballot”

The 1st article was the basic rigamarole, tho ’twas interesting learning ’bout this “fusion ticket” thing, which we don’t have in Washington State, where we don’t really have political parties, technically: candidates optionally list their “preferred” party, but you don’t need to register for any party beyond checking some box during primaries promising you won’t cheat & vote for a different party for the presidential election during the general election. I was mildly annoyed by the self-aggrandizing way the writer bragged, “I was one of the first public figures to demand that the Biden administration call for a ceasefire”, which is a questionable claim, but whate’er. It’s an o’erall competent article compared to the Counterpunch articles, which felt like they were just hastily typed out in an hour.

Grade: B

“Bernie Sanders: ‘Netanyahu Prefers to Have Donald Trump in Office’”

I couldn’t get past the photo o’ Bern Boi looking like someone’s confused grampa without a free registration banner & I don’t feel like registering.

Grade: 👴

“Scared of E. Coli? Donald Trump Should Terrify You.”

There’s no reason to read the article: anything after this amazing headline will just be a disappointment.

Grade: S

Mo’ to come later tonight…