All right, all you sinners: get out your angel horns &, as their biggest song goes, get ready to ¡MOOOVE! & step into the circle & shake like green dew ( I don’t care if the official lyrics say “like we do”: as a kid I heard “green dew”, & nobody will change my mind on this subject. The 1st Council o’ Nicaea has made their decision ).

1. Phenomenon

This song’s lyrics are less cringe & mo’ miracle-spherical word-taco rap that any 5th-tier rapper could spit & I wouldn’t spit out my drink. Like a lot o’ Thousand Foot Krutch songs, there’s a lot o’ vague incitements to dance with only vague references to faith: “raise up the lighters, praise to the righteous”. ¿Isn’t raising your lighter usually something you do for slow, moving songs, not bops? If you’re following the advice o’ a later line to “¡roll! open your soul, maybe lose control” then you’re liable to accidentally fling your lighter or bump it into someone & possible start a fire. Awfully irresponsible for this godly band to inspire pyromania.

Other lines are weirder:

don’t let these spiders crawl up beside us
they want to bite us, inject the virus

¿What does Thousand Foot Krutch have gainst spiders? The only place where they’re mentioned in The Bible is the book o’ Job, 1 o’ the world’s earliest emo songs, where he just calls their webs useless. It wasn’t spiders who tasted o’ the wicked fruit o’ knowledge. Spiders are innocent & will all be written in the book o’ the saved when the floods come once mo’.

Mo’ puzzling are these lines from the bridge:

i’m not invisible like you
next time things get a little messed up

¿Who’s “you”? ¿Me? I’m not invisible. ¿Why does Thousand Foot Krutch ( I’m gonna get sick o’ typing that name ) assume their audience is invisible? They don’t learn “Vanish” till they get the Phantom magicite from the Magitek Research Facility.

This is mo’ absurd when you consider the lines that come just before:

tired of being ordinary
don’t care if there’s people staring

I mean, if your audience is invisible, they should definitely not care if people are staring. ¿Staring @ what? ¿People dancing? That’s what people do in the concerts this song was clearly aimed @. ¿What idiots would be gawking @ people dancing @ a rock concert?

Genius’s annotation for this album includes this line:

The song is about being bold and confident in your faith, and getting down to the beat of this Christian song.

This was either written by an middle-aged youth pastor or someone making fun o’ people who listen to this band. I refuse to believe that e’en 80% o’ the people who listen to this band unironically would use the phrase “getting down to the beat of this Christian song”.

Vague lyrics aside, I have to admit that this song is catchy, tho not nearly as much as “Move”, which, now that I think ’bout it, is clearly just them doing this song ’gain, with its vague lyrics exhorting its listeners to dance. For 1, this song’s actual music, its guitar riffs, bass riffs, & drumbeats, are generic, whereas “Move” had cool high-pitched noodly notes.

Grade: B

2. Step To Me

See, now this song’ got a pretty cool bassline. Tho I don’t know how I feel ’bout the weird muffled “dow-now-dow-now” riffs that come up e’ery now & then.

& like “Phenomenon”, this song has a catchy chorus with lyrics that are hopelessly vague.

Actually, this song’s chorus falls right into Cartmanesque love songs for Jesus territory, asking someone to “hold me tight in your arms tonight” while later telling this addressee “you’re my answer to the question why”.

This becomes e’en mo’ confusing when we look @ the verses, which take a much different tone:

i’m sick of letting you control
me & all the places that i go
i’m never giving in to you again
take, take another look @ me
take another look
& tell me what you see
all of these cats tryin’ to get under my skin
but they can’t step over me

Now the person he’s talking to ( ¿the same person? ) is an antagonistic figure whose not going to step to them, bro. Indeed, near the end o’ the song the singer asserts, “but you can’t hold me”, which is the exact opposite o’ what he was requesting in the chorus. Either the chorus & verses are aimed @ different people & the lyricist didn’t bother to connect them or the singer in this song is a tsundere.

Deep within all these vague words o’ “I love you” & “No, you cats ain’t controllin’ me, son” is this weird line:

couldn’t see it ’til I multiplied you

These lyrics are building a consistent case that Thousand Foot Krutch are engaging in witchcraft & must be burned @ the stake ( that song, which is a hard S-grade, is a treat to you, the reader, for being good ).

Let’s see if Genius can elucidate these quandaries:

“Step To Me” depicts TFK frontman Trevor Mcnevan’s battle in his beliefs between accepting and allowing God to be in control of his life, and being in denial and frustrated by God.

So it is decreed canon by the priests o’ song meanings: this song is ’bout wanting to hate-fuck God. Real rad o’ Thousand Foot Krutch to cover a Nine Inch Nails song.

Grade: B

3. Last Words

When I was young I always thought this song was just a less-good “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind. Howe’er, thanks to Genius’s annotation & rereading the lyrics, I have discovered that rather than this song being an uplifting song from a nonsuicidal person toward somebody considering suicide, it is, in fact, ’bout the dead person apologizing for dying:

i’m sorry i left you
i’m living in a world of regret
don’t cry if you can hear me
i never meant to hurt you dearly
i’m so wrong sincerely
don’t stop
take life seriously

Now, Genius only says that this person “probably killed themself”, &, indeed, the lyrics are vague ’nough that it could just be someone dead regretting how useless their life was sitting round just masturbating all day before dying o’ diabetes ’cause they ate nothing but McDonalds — or how sinful was their life sitting round just masturbating all day before dying o’ diabetes ’cause they ate nothing but McDonalds. That’s a good thing for TFK, as writing a song depicting a suicidal person as the asshole is, ironically, an assholish move in itself. Actually, ’less this person was a real asshole in life ( ’gain, the lyrics are so vague that we get no information beyond “there’s so much I’ve done wrong” & mumblings ’bout “all the times I’ve lied and hurt you”, which could be referring to anything from Walter White running a secret meth business to secretly masturbating to porn all day in shame ’hind their loved one’s back ), depicting the dead person as an asshole for being dead is still an assholish move.

Anyway, the singer then goes on to exhort the listener — you — to treasure life & all its sunsets & to “thank God in the morning for another day” — preferably before or after you start your morning jerk-off session, as God doesn’t want to talk to you while you’re doing that kind o’ thing, or while you’re using the bathroom, by the way, you weirdo.

But halfway thru the 2nd verse, the advice gets confusing:

those people
please love them
don’t hate them
we’re not above them
you can have everything but have nothing
listen I’ve got to tell you something

¿Who are “those people”? ¿People who die? ¿Suicidal people? ¿Sinners? I’m listening, but you’re not telling me anything @ all.

Unfortunately, ’cause o’ this, this song didn’t work for me, as I still just ended up wasting the rest o’ my day masturbating, & now I still haven’t caught up on my ¡Mega Microstories! backlog. Worse yet: ¡I forgot to thank God this morning for creating ’nother day! ¡How rude! ( They make 1 e’ery day: @ a certain point it stops becoming impressive & starts becoming rote ).

The chorus is decently catchy, but the singer’s voice gets real squeaky & annoying in this song. Also, the riffs, baselines, & drums just feel like random sputtering, specially @ the beginning.

Grade: D

4. This Is A Call

This is a hokey-ass ballad — & considering how white this band’s “hard” songs are, you can only imagine how supernova this shit is. I want to specially emphasize the chorus melody ,— what has, so far, been the best part o’ these songs — which is some square-dance “dum de dum de dum dum, dum de dum de dum dum” shit. I hate it.

The lyrics are the cheesiest shit e’er, including the vital inclusion o’ the mother with cancer. Best o’ all, the singer follows up this revelation with the rhyme, “& her friends don’t understand her”.

The 2nd verse is much less dramatic, being mostly ’bout some guy whose useless & has a boring life & probably spends all day masturbating. So that verse is ’bout Jon Arbuckle.

These are my favorite lines in this song:

take me to a place where nothing’s wrong &
thanks for coming, shut the door

Also:

well if you’re real then save me Jesus

Jesus: <I have some bad news for you…>.

Grade: S & F

5. Rawkfist

WARNING: YOU ARE ’BOUT TO ENCOUNTER A POTENTIALLY LETHAL DOSE O’ CRINGE. PEOPLE WITH LOW TOLERANCE FOR CRINGE SHOULD AVOID WATCHING OR LISTENING TO THE FOLLOWING YOUTUBE VIDEO. IF YOU START TO FEEL YOUR SOUL LEAVE YOUR BODY FROM CRINGE O’ERDOSE, STOP WATCHING OR LISTENING TO THIS VIDEO IMMEDIATELY & VISIT YOUR DOCTOR TO TEST FOR CRINGESCARS.

1st, ¿what the hell is that haircut that the guitarist has in this music video? Also, I love how @ the end o’ the music video — after the singer drops his final rawkfist — they all start glowing. Presumably God has looked down @ their wicked ( ¡but in a good way! ) tune & has prematurely given them eternal life so he can listen to their rad beats for eternity.

¿What else is there for me to say ’bout this song? As soon as you are hit with those immortal words screamed out loud —

¡throw up your rawkfist!
¡if you’re feelin’ it when I drop this!

— you know you’re in for the ultimate o’ nu-metal cheese.

If you don’t believe me when I tell you that Thousand Foot Krutch puts Kendrick to shame, let me show you these sharp lyrics:

show ’em how we slow this spot, let ‘s make it hot
let’s shock ’em with the bodyrock ’til the party stops
it’s time to take it up a notch & keep it locked
for all the headbangers in the parking lot
here we come if you’re ready or not
no time to talk ’cause we on the clock
bringin’ that ¡uhh! ¡uhh! to your block
let me show ya where we’re comin’ from, it don’t stop

Um, ¿what is this “¡uhh! ¡uhh!” they are bringing to my block? Perhaps they should keep that to themselves privately.

The chorus is, bizarrely, much calmer ’bout all it took to both make & break this amazing music. For the LORD said to Adam, “For dust thou art, & unto dust shalt thou return”; & so the LORD’s favorite rock band that their grandmother will let them listen to shalt say to their song, “For cheese thou art, & unto cheese shalt thou return”. Amen.

Let’s see what chapter 5 o’ the book o’ Genius says o’ this song:

A standout single from Thousand Foot Krutch’s first album with Tooth & Nail Records.

I mean, yeah, it definitely stands out.

Rawkfist is a fan favorite track, reaching #28 on Billboard’s U.S. mainstream rock charts in 2004.

I refuse to believe that hardcore Thousand Foot Krutch fans aren’t as hipster as the rest & aren’t saying shit like, “Um, their early work before they went mainstream was their true best work”. I mean, I read someone on TV Tropes claim that fucking Skillet apparently soured when they started touring with Papa Roach & Three Days Grace. Imagine having the delusion that Skillet is too good to tour with Papa Roach & Three Days Grace. Yeah, they totally belong next to Tame Impala & King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard.

ESPN’s Sports Center used it for their Ultimate Highlight showcases during the program. The TV Series Smallville used it in the episode “Velocity” in season 3.

The idea o’ this song being used in these 2 places amused me so much that I had to look them up. I couldn’t find the 1st, but luckily I found the scene from Smallville:

Seeing this scene with youngster Superman locked in baby Lex Luthor’s devious trap where he’s poisoned with kryotonite ignited by race cars while this song plays is the very definition o’ heaven described in Dante Alghieri’s divine comedy — ’cause that’s what it is, comedy antikryptonite.

Also notable for being one of the few tracks off of Phenomenon that showcased their rap/hip-hop influences from their debut studio album “Set it Off.”

¿What? All o’ these songs so far ’cept the ballad have had rapped verses. ¿Did the person who wrote this not listen to the rest o’ the album?

Grade: 🪨✊

6. Faith, Love, and Happiness

O, right… There’s mo’ than half this album left. Whoopie.

Actually, I think I can sympathize with these lyrics:

everyone is up in my face
need to get outta this place
it’s hard to see with you in front of my face
just another perfect day
acting like they wanna talk to me
so fake
yet so friendly
my eyes can see even the back of me
¿won’t you just let me be?

O, wait, ne’ermind:

all I want is faith, love & happiness

Speak for yourself: I don’t want that shit.

I do like how they sneak in 1 mo’ misanthropic line just after that:

every time one runs away another one’s returning

You said, it, brother. Amen.

Hey, wait… ¿What’s this?

every which way I turn I’ve got the option of a million choices
every single word I say is judged by a million critics
every which way you turn you got the sound of a million voices
every single move you make is torn by a million cynics

Shit, they saw me comin’. ¡Turn the car around!

This is your 1st album anyone cared ’bout. Cracka, a million critics weren’t sayin’ shit ’bout you yet.

So spake Genius:

Generalizing the common issues and hardships that people face in this world, singer Trevor Mcnevan believes that in order to be content with our lives, we need a solid relationship with God.

Well, you can tell God — who I know was responsible for this being written, I know you’re there, God — I told them they need to give me some space, as I’m not emotionally ready for commitment right now.

Sonically, this song is fine. I kind o’ like the rhythm o’ the verses. Apparently TFK did, too, as they reuse it for the chorus. The music itself is just chugga-chugga rock riffs, tho.

Grade: C

7. I Climb

I fucking hate this stop-&-go melody all thruout the verses, pre-choruses, & choruses, not helped by the whining tone thruout the singing. There’s also an ugly airiness to how the instruments sound.

¿What does Genius have to say ’bout this song?, ’cause the lyrics are, like always, hopelessly vague:

Also likely a continuation of narration in the story from the previous tracks “Last Words” and “Faith, Love and Happiness,” this song is about how the individual(s) mentioned are struggling with their outlook on life, and how they are occasionally able to see past their problems and realize God’s love and care for them.

Ugh. ¿So it’s just a rehash o’ the previous song? I’m getting a sneaking suspicion that this band, like many mid-tier bands, had only a couple good songs & filled the rest with filler.

Grade: F

8. Quicken

This song is all o’er the place, specially the verses, which slow & speed up in erratic ways. Just listen to the 2nd verse. Sadly, none o’ it leads to anything catchy or interesting, & the lyrics are… what you expect.

Grade: D

9. New Design

Genius didn’t e’en bother to make an annotation for this song, presumably ’cause e’en the only fan who cared ’nough to write the earlier entries got bored & stopped listening by this point. Similarly, we don’t need to say anything ’bout this song.

Grade: 😴

10. Bounce

All right, we’re back to that rippity rapping:

it’s TFK
we rock the party
& keep the party jumpin’ in an old school way

¡Ha, ha, ha! “Old school”. Yeah, they’re rocking the party like Moses did in 1200 BC. ¡Real hiphop, honkey!

You know they slay like King David with lines like this:

play for a team that’s called “not to mess with”

O shit, I don’t mess with any team called “not to mess with”. ¡They be endin’ those sentences with prepositions, dawg!

& check out the scenario

You know, I was going to make fun o’ them for ripping off A Tribe Called Quest, but then realized I mixed up their lines “Check the rhime [sic]” & “¿What’s the scenario?”, so that hilarious joke doesn’t work. But, you know what, you readers have been so patient with these boring album-end filler songs that I think you deserve a treat in the form o’ an actually good rap song, so here you go:

Grade: ⚔️

11. Ordinary

This song is so lazy it just repeats the exact verse twice. The singer also doesn’t bother keeping any kind o’ coherent melody thruout this song, with a particularly boring chorus melody. I would make a joke ’bout this song being ordinary itself, but it’s actually a weird mix o’ weird, but not in an interesting way.

Genius also had nothing to say ’bout this song. In fact, spoiler, they have nothing mo’ to say ’bout the rest o’ this album, as e’en the hardcore TFK fan who was writing them fell off before this point. I may be the only person lame ’nough to go thru this whole album.

Grade: D

12. Break the Silence

¡The last song! ¡We’re almost free! ¡Thank you LORD up high!

This song sounds just like the previous few, with the exception o’ the Korn-like “om-ne-om-ne-om-ne-om” scatting in the bridge. The chorus melody isn’t bad… but it’s not good ’nough that I will e’er listen to this song ’gain.

Grade: C

It’s unfortunate that this album fell off so hard @ the end, as the 1st 6 songs offered so much potential. Such is the risk o’ me stupidly reviewing an entire album.

23. Course No. 12

This level builds on some mechanics introduced earlier, weakens on others: its combination o’ conveyor belts & bridges in the 2nd room are mo’ interesting than in levels 5 & 11, but the climb up the mountain cliffs @ the end is far weaker than the many times you’ve done that in this mountain world, e’en with the introduction o’ a new enemy, the boomerang-throwing duck, D. D., whom players will see many times later, & who is so slow to throw its boomerang that you can just jump past them with no delay.

Continue reading @ Level Rankings.com…

I just cannot believe it. Given how controversial Russia’s invasion o’ Ukraine has been I was sure that my man Николай Харитонов — or as the filthy bourgeoisie call him, “Nikolay Kharitonov” — would have beaten Путин, who I was sure the people would’ve been sick o’ by now, just like how that 1 Democrat defeated Bush in 2004 due to his dumb invasion o’ Iraq Obama defeated the Republican candidate who followed Bush’s 2 terms after the Republicans’ dumb invasion o’ Iraq. Ne’ertheless, according to Wikipedia, which is the most accurate source for election results all professional stoner blogs use as an authority, Харитонов lost with a pitiful 4.31% vote & absolutely no federal subjects gainst Путин’s amazing 87.28%, in contrast to only winning 77.53% in the 2018 election ( to be fair, the Communist candidate in that election had an impressive moustache, which Николай Харитонов lacks completely ). Then ’gain, Харитонов also supporting Путин’s invasion — &, in fact, having li’l to criticize gainst Путин, making him mo’ like Trump’s answer to, uh… that Florida guy o’er Biden. In fact, none o’ the valid candidates are antiwar, as the only potential antiwar candidates are apparently so dumb they turned in invalid signatures, whate’er those are. Probably signed by those mules the Democrats used to steal the US election instead o’ real patriotic Russians. O well: I have faith that the 2030 election will be the 1 when the Communist Party finally wins & brings that sexy brotherhood o’ people that Lenin promised back in 1917 but ne’er did for reasons.

I know this update is late, given that the 3-day election period ended last Monday; but I wanted wait & be extra sure that the results were completely confirmed. I want my coverage to be as careful & transparent as Путин says Russia’s democracy is, which is weirdly, not what independent vote observers say. But they’re all “western-influenced”, so we can ignore them & just listen to Путин, who would ne’er lie, just as we can ignore all “liberal media” & only listen to transparently rightwing personalities who yell a lot & sell me health supplements. After all, Путин helpfully reminded people that, in contrast, in the US “with mail-in voting… you can buy a vote for $10”, which was definitely not propaganda he’s regurgitating from his good friend Donald the “Massive Dumps” Trump Truck. Well, joke’s on Путин: I didn’t have to pay anything to use my mail-in vote — ’twas free. I didn’t e’en have to pay postage ’cause communist Washington State pays for it for you out o’ the taxpayers’ pocket. Our oligarchs wish they could get that $10 voting fee so the dirty poors would stop rigging the election gainst the tiny minority o’ rich people.

Interestingly, while looking up Николай Харитонов I was reminded that Davos, the group o’ rich capitalists that are now sadder that they can’t sip vodkas with the oligarchs they wish they could be in the US than the death o’ any Ukrainian NPCs, were instrumental to defeating the Communists in 1996 & keeping the modern Russian Federation’s OG drunk protofascist dictator, Ельцин ( the book The Oligarchs: Wealth & Power in the New Russia by David E. Hoffman also provides a lot o’ detail on this subject, albeit with the star-struck praise for the corrupt & e’en violent behavior o’ these rugged capitalist individualists you’d expect from a regular Washington Post contributor o’ the early 2000s ), who once had parliament bombed & tried to dissolve them, as well as considering “cancel[ing] or postpon[ing] the election in order to prevent a Communist victory”. & apparently official Russian records that Медведевs — the guy who pretended to be president from 2008 to 2012 while Путин continued to actually run Russia to get around Russia’s constitutional rule gainst a president having mo’ than 2 consecutive terms, back when Путин actually attempted to convince people Russia was a democracy — stupidly released show him outright saying he himself didn’t think Ельцин’s 1996 election was legitimate, despite his own political success owing as much to it as Путин’s. It’s almost as if Russia had ne’er been a real democracy & the US only pretended it was when its results were mo’ favorable to them. Still, I’m sure Davos is proud o’ their role in empowering this new fascist empire in their obsession with beating the already-weakened but still dirty commies; as much, I’m sure, as the US is proud o’ their strengthening o’ Islamic fundamentalists in Afghanistan to defeat those evil commies & their commie support for women’s emancipation & secularism. It’s exciting to think ’bout what political problems our great oligarchs are currently cooking up for us in the future in their valiant effort to prevent e’en a tiny crumb o’ their giant Scrooge McDuck piles trickling down to the dirty poors.

29. Course No. 19

This level presents itself as an increased challenge, which would be fitting for the boss level, but it’s pretty weak. The most interesting, & only truly unique, room has you dodging slow-moving spiky stakes underwater; but I found the hermit crab enemies @ the end harder to dodge. & it’s not as if dodging moving spikes underwater is exciting.

Continue reading @ Level Rankings.com…

35. Course No. 25

“Stove Canyon” ends with much o’ the same that filled its center: basic platforming on platforms with basic enemies & lots & lots o’ hopping Bō. Granted, I can see that they tried to add some interest with the sections where you fall into horizontal passages & 1 part where you have to ride a falling bridge part so you can time a jump to a lower platform… Yeah, those are just basic platforming setpieces in other platformers; but they weren’t done in the other lava levels & they’re well implemented — well, ’cept for having to wait for the Bō before the falling sections.

Continue reading @ Level Rankings.com…

The 1st Wario Land might be the Mario game that has been worst affected by age. You can see it kind o’ attempt very forward-thinking elements for 1993, including its focus on collecting coins with actual rewards for doing so beyond a high score & extra lives & the focus on finding hidden treasure in levels, making this arguably the 1st collectathon platformer, &, as part o’ that, its alternate endings.

But I say “kind o’ attempt”, ’cause Wario Land doesn’t do much with this collectathon aspect beyond different endings, & I would say it didn’t implement them well. Treasures basically just act as alternate exits like in Super Mario World, including requiring carrying a key to a keyhole, which is on top o’ this game having alternate exits, too, including a whole bonus world that doesn’t offer any tangible reward for completion — contrast to Super Mario World’s fun reward for beating Special World. & as we’ll see, Wario Land’s treasure & alternate exit puzzles are not nearly as clever as Super Mario World’s.

Continue reading @ Level Rankings.com…