Yup, you knew ’twas coming — just like how Chad Kroeger’s cumming on his girlfriend’s dress, leaving white stains ( seriously, that’s a line in 1 o’ the songs we’ll be looking @ ). I need not introduce the 1, the only. Unlike Papa Roach or Breaking Benjamin, who are most forgotten outside the realm o’ SiIvaGunner rips ( & I still haven’t heard any Breaking Benjamin there, which needs to be remedied ), Nickelback is the most cliché punchline for “bad music” round. ¿So why am I covering them, when this series focuses on underrated gems? Well, I have 2 reasons, & they revolve round the album I’ll be looking into.

Your 1st expectation when seeing that I’ll be looking @ Nickelback is that the album I’ll be looking @ is All the Right Reasons, with such infamous meme songs as “If Everyone Cared”, a cheesy ballad ’bout how nobody will die if e’eryone cried & nobody lied & anyone tried; “Rockstar”; & the 1, the only, “Look @ this graph”:

I will not be looking @ this album: this is well-tread territory by this point. Nor will I be looking @ their 1st breakthru album in the US, “Silver-Side Up”, with its catchy breakout hit, “How You Remind Me”. But if you want, some guy on YouTube critiqued that album. ( Spoiler: he thinks it’s boring ).

No, the album I’ll be looking @ is “The Long Road”, which, according to memes, is the 1 e’eryone forgets, but is the 1 that introduced me to this band as a li’l kid, before I had heard o’ all the memes ’bout the band — in fact, before those memes e’en existed, as “All the Right Reasons” hadn’t come out yet — & while I was still blissfully ignorant o’ such things as music criticism. & as an innocent kid, my opinion o’ this album was… I thought ’twas all right. Honestly, when I 1st encountered the meme ’bout Nickelback being the worst band e’er, I was always bewildered, not ’cause I thought they were good, but ’cause I was surprised anyone could feel any passion for the band, e’en hatred. ( Also, I knew much worse bands that have been forgotten by this point, like Puddle of Mudd & Theory of a Dead Man ).

1. Flat On the Floor

As a kid I always skipped this 1. I’m not sure why: most people I’ve heard talk ’bout this song list it as 1 o’ their better songs, since it’s loud & fast-paced, clocking in only 2 minutes, with verses & choruses that last ’bout 10 seconds each.

Grade: C

2. Do This Anymore

This was always my favorite track, ’cause I always liked the spooky opening with the “Woooooo” with the squeaky noises ’hind it, backed with gradually rising trainlike chugs ( which is fitting, since the 1st line is talking ’bout being on a train ). Honestly, this song is full o’ weird noises that may be made with an actual guitar, but is probably made with a computer. That obviously puts this song on the same level as “Paranoid Android”.

Grade: B

3. Someday

This song, which I think was the big single ( I don’t think I e’er heard a song from “The Long Road” on the radio ), is sort o’ a meme in that it s’posedly sounds just like “How You Remind Me” & someone made a mash-up to “prove” it. Personally, I ne’er made the connection myself, & if mash-ups prove anything, then clearly Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” & Train’s “Drops of Jupiter” are the same song.

I think I liked this song as a kid, but it hasn’t aged as well for me as “Do This Anymore”. I tended to be fine with Chad’s screechy voice, but e’en I kind o’ cringe when he sings, “Now that since we’re here anyyyyywayyyyy”. I also find the chorus to be way too bombastic with way too much jingling pop noise, with the twinkly notes & the weird extra voices that might just be Chad’s voice warped by computers in the background. It just sounds like fuzz.

I also find the line, “now the story’s played out like this, just like a paperback novel”, perplexing. ¿Why a paperback novel, & not a hardcover? I guess he means an airport novel: a cheap thriller, rather than literary fiction. But both literary & genre fiction come in both forms: e’ery copy o’ Ulysses I own ( & I own a’least 3, including the infamous Gabler version ) is a paperback, while I have hardcover collections o’ James Bond novels.

That being said, “I wish you’d unclench your fists and unpack your suitcase” isn’t a bad line…

Grade: D

4. Believe It Or Not

I like this song’s main riff, but the lyrics are repetitive fortune-cookie shit, repeating the phrase, “Believe it or not, [insert “hang in there” poster line]”. & I, in actual fact, don’t believe that e’eryone “believe [sic] in something above”, since I know atheists exist. It’s like a weaker “If Everyone Cared”, which a’least had the cheesy inspirational music to fit. This song’s grimy music doesn’t fit @ all.

But that’s OK, ’cause after the 2nd chorus, the riff suddenly drops, & we get some acoustic noodling that sounds both bland & incoherent while the singer continues the same refrains.

Grade: D

5. Feelin’ Way Too Damn Good

This song has stronger verses than the chorus: they have a kind o’ jazziness to them. Also, as cheap as it is, I like that weird bass note ’tween the 1st 2 verses. The chorus, meanwhile, is OK, with the only notable part being when Chad goes “¡OW!” @ the end like he’s orgasming.

Honestly, the best part o’ this song is the part where the attendant announces boarding for a flight to Los Angeles round the bridge.

Grade: C

6. Because Of You

I completely forgot this song existed, & I have a sneaking suspicion I will forgot it ’gain after I’m done with this article.

I guess the 1 thing o’ note is how perplexing the lyrics are. Most o’ it seems to be ’bout someone dying in the hospital, but then we get these lyrics:

now that you did this, you ask for forgiveness
doctor, ¿could you be my priest?
you say you’re mistaken, but look what you’ve taken
you laugh as you lie through your teeth

¿Is the singer implying that this person is killing themself just to spite the singer?

For the record, Genius currently has no annotations for any o’ these songs.

¿Is it me, or do the drums @ the beginning o’ this song sound like Lars Ulrich’s infamous trash can drums in St. Anger ( which I like, by the way — which goes to show how low my standards for music are )?

Grade: C

7. Figured You Out

O’ all the songs on this album, this is the biggest meme song, thanks to the big opening line, “I like the pants around your feet”, which spawned the brilliant DJ Cumberbund remix, “Pantsfeet”.

As a kid I always hated this song ’cause it’s gross, but now I kind o’ respect it a bit mo’ for it, specially with how detailed it is. For a band that’s notorious for being cheesy & boring, I don’t know a lot o’ boring bands who would write the line “I like the white stains on your dress” or talking ’bout freckles on his lover’s chest or dirt on his lover’s knees — tho, I ne’er understood why she has dirt on her knees. ¿Are they fucking outside on the grass?

The negging phrase “you’re my favorite disease” was copied by other buttrockers nobody remembers anymo’, like Rev Theory, but it’s possible Nickelback took the phrase from Saliva — tho they used it in a mo’ negative way — mo’ a toxic relationship than kinky sex… ¿I think? Honestly, that song’s chorus & verses don’t match @ all: he’s bragrapping the verses ’bout how he smokes a lot o’ weed & killin’ all the competition, but then sings ’bout how sad he is in the chorus & bridge.

Basically, what I’m saying is, this song is a worse Saliva song.

Actually, looking @ the rare Genius annotation for this song, this song may be ’bout what Saliva’s choruses are ’bout:

Chad Kroeger about the meaning of Figured You Out:

Sometimes you get into a little fling and you think you know the person, and the next thing you know, you’re dating a cokehead who’s interwoven into some underground drug world with Hell’s Angels and movie stars and models and you’re like, “What the @#%$ am I doing?

The song starts off like most relationships do; very physically oriented. And then you start discovering things about the person you’re with it’s like ‘’‘OK, I don’t like that about you, or that, or that……OK, now the only thing we have on common is we have great sex so there’s no point in us being together.

¿How the hell does this come from “I like the white stains on your dress”? ¿Is it sarcastic? The meaty, Fred-Flintstone way Chad says it doesn’t fit. ¿Maybe it’s like Stone Temple Pilot’s “Sex Type Thing” — a much, much better song — & is an ironic depiction o’ the kind o’ meatheat who would say something like this?

Grade: B

8. Should’ve Listened

This was, weirdly, 1 o’ my favorite songs as a kid. I’m not sure why: it’s pretty hokey, specially with the “la, la, la”s in the background during the chorus & the jangling guitar work thruout. I do like the sensory details ’bout what a shitheap the singer’s exgirlfriend left his place in before she left dodge.

But what I love most is the Genius annotation:

This is song is about an utter moron who expects anyone listening to sympathize with him for deliberately using his own house as a place to party and now it’s destroyed and is a mess. Which is his fault.

Wait, ¿what party? There’s no mention o’ a party in this song. The implication, specially with lines like “why’d she take both sets of keys”, is that his now-ex-girlfriend trashed the place before she left. I mean, that is an interesting interpolation: that the singer’s being vague ’bout what caused his place to be trashed & mentions the 1 thing his ex did, take the keys, to imply that she caused the rest, while leaving out the whole party angle. I can’t imagine someone whining for pity would choose to bring up a party going on. Also, since the singer can’t remember much, he probably did get plastered. I always took it that ’twas his alcoholism that caused her to leave, not a bitchin’ party going on.

This man (the narrator of the song) was not abused sexually or physically nor did he have any harm inflicted on him, he is some foolish frat guy who wants you to feel sorry for his stupidity.

¿Where the fuck did this come from? ¿Who’s implying this? ¿& how do we know nothing happened to him? He certainly wouldn’t know — he’s too drunk to remember anything.

But Nickelback fans are dumb enough to think Chad Kroeger wailing really pathetically (after being “manly” bragging about raping an inebriated woman in the song just before this one Figured You Out”, of course) means this song must about something serious.

Damn, this is the 1st Genius annotation I’ve read that just straight roasts the song ( & the previous song ) & the band. ¿Are there seriously Nickelback fans who think this song is ’bout a man who got date raped? ¿Why do I have a feeling this is a retort gainst some men’s rights activist using this song as a rallying cry gainst “those hoes” that I haven’t read?

I cannot be [sic] believe to this day, that I was told by someone on RYM who “demanded that Dark Horse in it’s entirety be played on the radio, because it was “so good” […]

You’re right, I can’t believe that, either: that album fucking sucks, & this is coming from someone saying nice things ’bout fucking The Long Road. That album, by the way, which probably ended Nickelback’s towering height after All the Right Reasons, is the 1 whose lead single was “Something In Your Mouth”, ’bout how someone would “look better with something in your mouth”. It, in fact, makes things come out o’ my mouth.

Obviously the person who told this is a serious “song”, also said that “Hip hop music and culture as whole supports and condones rape and is “degenerate” and also that everyone who oppose the genocide of Palestinians is a “angry muslim who is upset that “the gays” aren’t being hung”, so it’s not exactly coming from a very intelligent person.

( Laughs ). ¿What the fuck? God damn it, I can’t e’en ’scape people giving their ill-informed hot takes on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in a Nickelback review?

And also this is the early 2000s we’re talking about, Korn got radio play despite graphic song lyrics and subject matters for their songs and they still got radio play. I bet this song wouldn’t even be censored, that is how easy it is for this song to get radio play.

I love how this “annotation” just completely goes off the rails from trying to ’splain the meaning o’ this song & just argues gainst some mysterious opinions from somewhere on the internet ’bout how this song isn’t too hot for the radio. Here’s an experiment for you: take these comments I made here for this review, but remove all the quotes o’ the review itself. Incomprehensible, ¿right? That’s how I feel reading the 1 side o’ this conversation.

If I may be devil’s advocate, I don’t think the song is advocating for viewing the protagonist as an innocent hero & the ex-girlfriend as a trifling ho: lines like, “a little trick I picked up from my father: in one ear and out the other”, imply that, in fact, the protagonist is to blame. It seems this reviewer, like a stereotypical /r/badreads candidate, cannot comprehend a protagonist who isn’t morally white by the composer’s morality.

I can’t believe I just wrote a multi-paragraph treatise on a fucking Nickelback song. Clearly this means that The Long Road is just as much a complex, woven tapestry as OK Computer & the heartbreak, sundering relationship, disarray, & chaos o’ this song represents the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Grade: 🧐

9. Throw Yourself Away

So, I always thought this song was a hokey morality play ’bout someone who gets pregnant in high school. But reading the Genius annotation & reading the lyrics mo’ deeply, — something I ne’er thought I’d do for a Nickelback song, but here we are — it’s a hokey morality play ’bout a real-life event where a high school student… ¿gave birth in the bathroom during prom & throws the baby into the trash, for which she gets caught & sentenced for manslaughter? ¿What the fuck? This is such a rare, absurd situation, but Chad treats it with such straightfaced outrage that it’s ridiculous. ¿Was Chad’s hope to end this epidemic o’ throwing babies in prom trash cans? ¿Was he hoping that the baby-trasher would hear this song on the radio & feel such deep guilt that great rock gods Nickelback talks bad ’bout her? ¿What’s the point o’ this song? ¿Were there not mo’ pervasive problems in the world for which to write a protest song? This is a far fall from “Should’ve Listened”’s bold protest gainst Israel’s genocide o’ Palestinians — ¿or was it protesting the protests? I already forgot.

As for the song itself, it sounds like shit.

Grade: F

10. Another Hole in the Head

No, you can’t follow a song ’bout a high school student who gives birth in the bathroom during prom & throws the baby into the trash with a generic breakup song.

Like, uh… ( checks back ) “Feeling Way Too Damn Good”, I like the verses better than the chorus, with the jazzy notes @ the beginning, while the chorus is just generic riffing & shouting that isn’t all that loud.

Grade: C

11. See You At the Show

¿Is it me or has Nickelback been gradually transforming from a mediocre post-grunge rock band to an increasingly shitty country band as this album goes on? It starts with “Should’ve Listened”, with its hokey story o’ drunken breakups & Israeli genocide gainst Palestinians, & then culminates in this song, which is just fucking awful. The way this fucking Canadian drawls e’ery word in this sing-song fashion with this novelty-shop southern accent makes me want to puke. “Cotton-Eye Joe” has mo’ dignity to it. Also, the way he says “till we burn it down” always sounded like “till we’re in bunny town” to me as a kid, which I always thought was stupid, but is mo’ interesting than describing casual acts o’ terrorism.

Grade: F

Question: if you’re the president & your goal is to win an election & you have made the tough decision to heavily support Israel in the Israel/Palestinian war — I don’t want to discuss not making this decision, as valid an option as it is, for now, as I want to make a mo’ specific point here — & you are, inevitably & predictably, faced with outrage from Arab Americans with family in Palestinian who died during said war, ¿how would you respond? If you’re halfway socially competent & trying to minimize alienating voters you need to remain president, you would probably spew out some characteristically politician fake expression o’ sympathy — something along the lines o’, “I am deeply sorry for your loss. I understand that war is bad for e’eryone. I am working on ending this war so both Israel & Palestine can prosper in peace”, but preferably better written by someone who has experience in writing this kind o’ fluff. Obviously this would be dishonest, but all politicians talk in lies: telling your potential voters the truth is the best way to get them to not vote for you.

¿What did Biden say?

Q The part was: Are you concerned with the Arab American votes voting for you during this election because of Gaza? Many say they will not vote for you.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, look, the President wants to put a — the former President wants to put a ban on Arabs coming into the country. We’ll make sure he — we understand who cares about the Arab population, number one.¹

Number two, we got a long way to go in terms of settling the situation in Gaza.

Let’s ignore the hilarious gaff o’ Biden accidentally doing the same thing Republican conspiracists slyly do o’ continuing to call former president Trump the current president ( ¿SEE? ¡E’EN BIDEN KNOWS DEEP DOWN THAT HE IS A FAKE & HE RIGGED THE ELECTION WITH THOSE COMMUNIST USB PORTS! ¡THIS PROVES IT! ). E’en tho, no matter what side you’re on, it’s unquestionable that many Arab Americans like Jewish Americans have faced increased hardship due to this war, either having family members die or experiencing increased hate crimes from bigots, Biden doesn’t e’en offer condolences, e’en tho he’d lose nothing by doing so, other than maybe alienating the vital vicious bigot demographic who get enjoyment from Arab suffering like cartoon villains, but unironically pulls the, “Well, my opponent is worse, so you weak-ass minorities have no choice but to unconditionally support me. ¡So there!”, for which Democrats are widely criticized by their own base. E’en worse, unlike in most scenarios, in this case it’s not e’en necessarily true: ¿why would Arab Americans who are already citizens o’ the US care mo’ ’bout other Arab Americans being able to get in than their own family dying? Biden seems to assume like all too many liberals that people o’ a race love & care ’bout e’eryone else in their race. I’m a perfect example: I don’t give a fuck ’bout my fellow Welshman. ¿What the fuck good has Wales e’er done for the world? If those crackas try to get into the US, I tell ’em, <Take a #>, & they look @ me with bewilderment ’cause that doesn’t actually mean anything.

& then we have this brilliant exchange from living mummy Nancy Pelosi in response to encountering protestors after coming out o’ her sarcophagus:

On Sunday, the Democratic representative from California said she would like the FBI to investigate potential Russian connections and funding behind American calls for an armistice in the Israel-Hamas war.

Responding to a question on CNN’s State of the Union about growing anger among Democrats, particularly young people and Arab Americans, at the Biden administration’s handling of the conflict, Pelosi said: “What we have to do is try to stop the suffering in Gaza … But for them to call for a ceasefire is Mr. Putin’s message.”

Adding to her charges of Russian influence, in a video posted by the anti-war group Code Pink on X on Monday, Pelosi can be seen telling activists outside her home in October to “go back to China where your headquarters is.”

’Gain, I’m not interested in whether or not this McCarthiesque conspiratory claim without evidence is true — I’ve heard plenty o’ very smart liberals™ ( the wacky & very original ™ let’s you know that I don’t actually think they’re smart ) argue that it must be true ’cause she’s on the Intelligence Committee & obviously can’t release evidence, as that’s classified, tho apparently revealing out loud so that Russia can hear that they’re scrutinizing them isn’t, ’cause apparently just putting faith in government officials without any o’ the limitations liberal republics are known for is what “liberals” do. If Pelosi were truly concerned with Russian & Chinese infiltration, the FBI could always investigate in secret & Pelosi could keep her mouth shut ’bout it. Personally, while I could see Russia wanting to troll Democrats & letting in the mo’ sympathetic Trump, I don’t see why China would want Trump to win, given he’s much mo’ hostile toward them than Democrats & is e’en threatening an absurd 10% tariff that would be disastrous for both the US & China’s economies. Then ’gain, they’re scary yellow people, so clearly they must be up to something, no matter how antithetical to their material interests that something is. I wonder if the very moderate & level-headed liberal Pelosi also has any enlightening information on how the Bolshevik Jews are running all o’ US media. It’s a wonder people don’t want to vote when both parties are full o’ people who spew this kind o’ John Birch Society shit. I am also well aware o’ the irony that Pelosi herself is an asset o’ the foreign country known as Israel ( note: pointing out this objective fact is antisemitic, but saying that “those commie Russians & Chinese always be spyin’” isn’t a common racist stereotype gainst Russians & Chinese people, ’cause in the US bigotry is only bad if it’s gainst a race that the US government can pretend to care ’bout to get propaganda points ), as many on the left have already quipped. I think you have to be blissfully ignorant o’ who Pelosi is, or politicians in general, to have any expectations o’ consistency.

No, what I’m interested in is the question, ¿what value does saying this out loud provide to Pelosi & the Democratic party whose interest I assume she holds. ’Gain, I want to emphasize that in politics politicians don’t act like super pooper smart Reddit users & Just Say It Like It Is™² & tell women that, yes, they’re fat, but, if they’re competent, carefully craft their language to maximize voters. ¿What demographic o’ voter is she hoping to please by saying this?

Obviously not the people who sympathize with these protestors, who, if they have any backbone ( which, to be fair, is not an assumption one should make quickly when it comes to liberals ) would not take kindly to veiled threats o’ being “investigated” ( read: harassed ) by the FBI, the famously corrupt organization infamous for having assassinated civil rights leaders they deemed too radical. As a lifelong anarchist Democrat voter, I myself oft dunk on purity-contest leftists who have way too lofty a view o’ the US’s not-truly-democratic election system & refuse to vote for someone who supported genocide gainst Palestinians ’cause that makes them dirty by association somehow & these people are such rampant narcissists that they hold the delusion that anyone cares ’nough ’bout them to judge them o’ such dirtiness, but will continue to collect blood-money foodstamps or pay taxes to that same government ’cause they “have no choice” ( are too cowardly to form this glorious revolution they insist is the only solution ); but there is a big difference ’tween people so self-centered that they refuse to exploit the meager tool they have to effect political change in the US for petty personal squabbles like being called extreme by some politico & someone unable to stomach voting for someone who lead to them being actively harassed ( or had a family member blown up by said politico ).

We can rule out hardcore right-wingers who salivate @ the idea o’ attacking left-leaning people, as those people will ne’er support any Democrat e’er & nothing a Democrat does will e’er make them not radical communists who are actually the puppet masters behind these protests & actually invented antisemitism & Hitler, specially Nancy Pelosi, who is arguably considered a greater Satan to the deranged right than Sleepy Joe, which is why 1 o’ their very sane & productive acolytes attempted to kidnap her.

¿So is this aimed @ so-called centrists? While so-called centrists ( read: upper-middle-class people who want their taxes lowered but are embarrassed by what ignorant savages Republicans are or hopelessly ignorant people who lazily fall into the golden mean fallacy so they can avoid having to make any critical thinking decisions ) constantly try to guilt Democrats into separating themselves from the fringe left who call for such extremist ideas as black people not being randomly murdered by cops or there being some limits on how much the poor can be whipped ( tho these “centrists” rarely apply this same scrutiny gainst Republicans, who, after all, are completely incapable o’ any sense o’ shame & will, in fact, deliberately shit their pants now that liberals have criticized them for doing so just to show that liberals can’t tell them what to do ), increased authoritarianism is usually not popular ’mong these so-called centrists ( a’least when applied by Democrats ), who, after all, not being full-on Democrats themselves, may find themselves under the same scrutiny.

I guess you could say this outburst o’ Pelosi’s is popular ’mong the most fervent Democrats — those are certainly the people who have gone to lengths to defend this outburst. That is to say that this outburst worked to convince people who are already strongly convinced to vote for Democrats @ the cost o’ e’ery other viable voter. ¡Somebody give these brilliant Democrat planners a raise & maybe write a shitty brown-nosing account ’bout them where you describe them like a love interest in an airport novel!

What we’re seeing is Democrats, both the politicians themselves & the desperate defenses Democrats make for their actions here, making the same mistakes they made in 2016: treating a swing state like Michigan or Wisconsin for granted, attacking significant chunks o’ their target demographic for no reason. Except it makes e’en less sense now, not only due to us having hindsight now, but also due to the mo’ precarious circumstances now: Clinton a’least had a good reason to expect to easily beat Trump when he was widely viewed as a sad clown after Obama’s relatively successful presidency; @ a time when Biden has remarkably low approval rating & polls show literal insurrectionist who claims he’ll be a dictator “for a day” Donald Trump ’bout even or ’bove, for Biden to try so li’l to do the bare minimum not to alienate vital voters he must really not want to be re-elected. & if he were running gainst an early-2000s style Bush Republican who’d only hurt poor minorities, I could understand Biden wanting a retirement 4 years earlier; but given Trump saying he has “no choice” but to lock up Biden if he wins re-election & given the way Republicans have been emboldening people like the guy who violently attacked Pelosi’s husband or threatened e’ery legislator when trying to count electoral votes, it seems weird how unconcerned they are with keeping people who may be a threat to their lives from winning. Clearly the protestors trying to annoy Pelosi into not funding foreign wars are a bigger threat. But we must ne’er underrate Democrats’ valiant determination to lose half their elections, since we don’t want Republicans — e’en those who want us dead — to feel bad if they don’t get their participation trophies. & we can be rest assured that as Biden & Pelosi stand out in the wilderness with a guns aimed @ the back o’ their heads like Francisco Madero, they’ll be thinking, { ¡This is all young people’s fault for not voting harder! ¡They should have #votedbluenomatterwho! }.

Footnotes:

1 I also found this part just after funny:

Q The March for Life is tomorrow in Washington, D.C. — the March for Life is tomorrow in Washington, D.C.

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, I know that.

Q What’s your message to those attending?

THE PRESIDENT: March.

BIDEN BOT RECOMMENDS THAT THE MOST RATIONAL BEHAVIOR IN WHICH TO ENGAGE DURING MARCHES IS TO MARCH.

2 Disclaimer: “Like It Is™” may not be an accurate representation o’ authentic reality, but may in fact be the delusions o’ someone whose interpretation o’ reality comes entirely from what random people say on social media.