World J: The Warped Void

Music: “Main Menu”, WarioWare, Inc.: Mega Microgame$!

“It’s just an empty void”. What a great ’scuse to not put any effort into map graphics, like I did throughout this whole hack. The only interesting part is how a lot o’ the level tiles are ?s, making the player figure out how many exits each level has.

I do really like this map song, though.

Easiest Level Ever

Music: “Green Greens”, ’bout every Kirby game

Laziest, too.

Originally this spot held “Let’s Abuse Yoshi”, a level much mo’ clever & fun. I think I replaced it ’cause a few parts were janky — specifically a part where you had to get through a corridor clogged by Chargin’ Chucks using Yoshi’s extra hit point & retrieve him ’fore he goes past the next Chuck. I shouldn’t have; jankiness is better than boring, ’specially for the last world.

• P-Switch level count: 30 / 50
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 15
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

Stratus Travesty

Music: “Green Greens”, ’bout every Kirby game

Message box: best way to deal with flaws isn’t to fix them, but to point them out so people know I made their experience less enjoyable on purpose & hate me e’en mo’.

See, the trick ’bout the end is that you have to not get hit with the feather the level gives you or you can’t fly & are screwed.

There’s nothing interesting to say ’bout this level. It’s mere OK.

• P-Switch level count: 30 / 51
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 15
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

Goomba Path

Music: “Enemy Battle”, Super Mario All-Stars: Super Mario Bros. 3 ( Same )

I don’t know what inspired it, but for some reason this world has a bunch o’ levels revolving round a certain enemy. This level focuses on Goombas & resources I ripped off from Super Mario Bros. 3, the 2nd o’ which is a tradition that continues to today in the bosom o’ Boskeopolis Land.

In particular, the “boss” rooms @ the end are a waste o’ time: I just copypastaed so many Goombas that the sprite engine slows to slime, ’cause repetition & slowness are always fun.

I seemed to like puzzles wherein you have to make small jumps under flat platforms to avoid getting stuck in a higher place & having to go back to go back down. I apologize for that.

In my defense, some o’ the running & jumping sections in the low corridors actually looked neat if you knew when to jump. But its been years since then & I’ve lost all my Super Mario World skills & memory for when to jump, so I make it look like shit.

• P-Switch level count: 30 / 52
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 15
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

Jungle of the Ninji

Music: “Overworld”, New Super Mario Bros.

Replace “Goomba” with “Ninji” & Super Mario Bros. 3 with Super Mario Bros. 2.

¿Did I truly need to make this key require Yoshi, & then force you to ditch him & bring the key all the way to the end? Great: every time I died, I had to go all ’cross the map to get ’nother. ’Nother reason cutting “Let’s Torture Yoshi” was a bad idea.

’Specially since that waterfall jump to the lower mushroom is bullshit. I think I remember adding that midpoint specifically to make that jump less bullshit. ’Cept it’s still bullshit — ’specially for the secret exit — & I should’ve just made it less bullshit. That “Ho, ho, don’t go to high or you have to go back & try ’gain” shit got ol’.

The Ninji “boss” is the dumbest, most trivial fight e’er. & this was a hack wherein a “boss” was a single Goomba as a joke.

• P-Switch level count: 31 / 53
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 15
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

Killer’s Fun House

Music: “Shy Guy’s Toy Box”, Paper Mario

The strangest time to insist on using Bullet Bill’s Japanese name. I guess I thought it sounded mo’ ironic.

A’least this level is short ’nough to not get annoying. If you only have 1 trick or 2, you should keep your level to 1 trick or 2.

¿What does a fun house with Alfred Chicken & Wario Land 4 bonus tiles have to do with Bullet Bills?

I think this was 1 out o’ quite a few levels wherein I discovered that making you drag the P-switch back to the start was ridiculous, so I made the switch cause some blocks to make the race back after hitting the switch easier. I think it’s better that way.

The saddest part is that this Warped Void enemy “boss” is the best ’mong them — & it’s puzzle is just going in a loop.

• P-Switch level count: 32 / 54
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 16
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 9

Lunaria

Music: “Title Theme”, SimCity ( SNES )

This was originally going to be the 1st level o’ the scrapped space world, the remnants o’ which can be seen in the map on the 1st post. The other planned levels, scrapped ’cause they sucked unbelievably, were a level where you had to swim through thin shafts ’tween walls o’ lava with a glowing rocky background called “Helios”, a lablike level with lots o’ shitty layer-2 shenanegans involving lava walls repainted green called “Cryogian”, whatever that’s s’posed to mean, & what would’ve been a haunted, darker-tinted moon level if I’d been able to think o’ mo’ than a straight path with a boo here & there called “Hades”.

I don’t know why I e’en bothered to keep “Lunaria”, since it sucks too — just not as hard as the others. The only original idea was having the secret exit in the Yoshi-wings section, & e’en that had the hitbox jank o’ totally-not-munchers & Yoshi caused by the programmers only intending for them to be used on the ground & not realizing that hacky rom hackers would want to spread them everywhere like weeds. Precise jumps o’er totally-not-munchers is hardly new, nor are Lotus Plants & Baseball Charlies, which are all o’er this world. This is, I believe, the only level in this hack that uses Monty Mole, simply ’cause I hadn’t thought to use them till then ( it’s funny how I took the time to look up patches & custom blocks on SMW Central for new gimmicks, but neglected a bunch o’ sprites, blocks, & general features already in the vanilla game ); but I don’t do anything with them, ¿so who cares?

Extra note: as noted ’bove, this level uses the title screen music from SimCity ( ’twas ’tween that & “The Moon” from Duck Tales; I figured this was the less cliché choice ). I was thinking how I should’ve chosen the SimCity menu theme for the title screen o’ this game ’stead o’ that metal Super Mario Bros. remix popularized by ASMT. It’s not as if the title screen needs to long a song, anyway. In my defense, I chose to use that song before that hack came out ( though the hack that rendition was actually made for, Cool or Cruel, which didn’t get nearly as much attention, already was ).

• P-Switch level count: 32 / 55
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 16
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 9

Autumn Hills

Music: “Enemy Battle”, Super Mario All-Stars: Super Mario Bros. 3 ( Same )

Actually, you’d probably see brown grass in summer mo’ than autumn.

Speaking o’ neglected sprites, here’s those Chocolate Island dinos, used nowhere else. ( To be fair, ¿didn’t the real Super Mario World only use them in 2 levels? )

This level bugs me, ’cause its gimmick is ruined by its placement. Its gimmick is that, ’less you’re great with the cape, you need a blue Yoshi to get through, as there’s only a Yellow Koopa… but you’re guaranteed to have a blue Yoshi to get here ’cause the route to here is that Yoshi-wings secret exit that turns Yoshi blue.

This is also why my hack in general has so many bugs: I refused to make limiting choices, like making Yoshis & capes not stay with you after levels, which many hack makers recommend: I wanted to exploit as many stupid weird things as possible, including having a level wherein you needed to get a Yoshi from a totally different level.

• P-Switch level count: 32 / 56
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 16
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 9

Attic Antics

Music: “No Eating Crackers in the Theater”, Mother 3 / “Shy Guy’s Toy Box”, Paper Mario

That’s some Rareware level naming there.

Didn’t know ’bout this horrendous game-breaking glitch with the midpoint. For those who don’t know, Super Mario World can easily kill you don’t put the camera’s vertical starting position near where you start. This is a common glitch in Super Mario World hacking. Now with a greater understand o’ game development & just looking @ how you die, I’d guess it’s not caused just by the camera not being where you are but probably caused by your character or the blocks below them not having collision detection while offscreen, causing your character to fall into the ground; when the camera catches up to them they’re already embedded in the ground. Now that they’re on-camera, collision detection resumes; but since you’re inside the ground, the game kills you, as it usually does when you’re smashed in solid blocks.

The 1st half o’ this level’s quite lame. The Piranha Plant section’s nothing new; & the part after that is full o’ filler & enemies that can fall on your head from offscreen. I love how I bothered to put all those blocks on the street in that middle area in some futile attempt to prevent flying, when you can easily fly from the very beginning & fly o’er the whole room.

I actually didn’t know ’bout the trick o’ jumping off Yoshi to reach the goal to skip the entire 2nd room all throughout development; I only learned ’bout it while watching a Let’s Play o’ this hack.

The 2nd portion’s all right. I like the idea o’ using grabbable items to reach a vine — I just wish I did mo’ with it. Also, ¿why’s there a vine in an attic? ¿Mold? ¿Why are some o’ the walls infested with Munchers? Obviously ’cause everything else in Dinosaur World is.

• P-Switch level count: 32 / 57
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 16
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 9

Also, while we leave the mainland for good, I need to finally address some weird glitch wherein Luigi’s palette delays changing when returning to the o’erworld from a dark level…

Unforunately, the only way I can address it is with a silly meme:

Golden Bomb Mines

Music: “Mt. Moon”, Pokémon Red & Blue Versions

I remember liking this level a lot near the end o’ development, e’en though I didn’t remember much ’bout actually developing it. There was just something ’bout the trickiness o’ those slopes.

Maybe I was in a bad mood, — not helped by how late this update was coming — but I was less enamored this time. Those slopes seem less “tricky” now & mo’ “inconsistent”.

That said, I’d still call this level better than what we’ve seen so far in this world. In fact, it’s ironic that I was in an impatient mood while recording these next few videos, as looking back, these are some o’ the strongest levels.

This level does have cruft, though. ¿What’s the point o’ the water section? ¿To show off that it’s gold?

& ’course, we have this “boss” which is the same as the Goomba “boss”, but e’en less tricky, since it’s just straight right ’stead o’ going upward.

• P-Switch level count: 32 / 58
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 16
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 9

Twinkle Twinkle

Music: “Casino Night Zone”, Sonic the Hedgehog 2

Well, maybe not that strong…

The 1st half’s solid. I remember when late in development I considered that jump off the Yellow Koopas to be the hardest jump in the game ( now we see that that clearly goes to that 1st slope jump in “Golden Bomb Mines” ).

The 2nd half, though. “¿Wouldn’t it be delightful if you had to slowly bounce through small passageways walled in all directions by bouncy blocks like the padding o’ a mental ward?” Actually, I do like how those Koopas always find a way to bounce up into that powerup area you’d think would be safe. I ’specially like how I didn’t design that on purpose @ all — I was as delightfully surprised when I ran into it back when I was developing this.

Something that had ne’er happened to me till now: not getting all the coins on that brown block wall. You can see the point where Luigi matches my expression: freezing in stoic horror as my mind slowly reeled the possibility that I’d have to start all o’er. But, to my own surprise, I was able to fly through.

The rest is just filler meant to be funnier mo’ than fun — just like “Death Desert”. Particular example: the brown blocks @ the end that are s’posed to make you go, “Fuck, ¡I missed a P-switch? Better go all the way back…” only for the solution to be mo’ hidden blocks.

& as an extra hilarious joke, Luigi falls off the ending platform during the victory march, but doesn’t quite reach the bottom ( which would kill him & steal ’way his victory in what is popularly called a “kaizo trap” after an infamous level in that infamous hack ) before the level ends. That was a big gimmick o’ this hack: teasing kaizo without actually giving it, which was probably fresher in a time when kaizo hacks were still the standard, like… maybe the 1st year o’ this hack’s development.

• P-Switch level count: 33 / 59
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 16
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 9

Persistence of Time

Music: “Peanut Plain”, Kirby Super Star

Here’s where I was inconsistent: ¿remember how I just recently said I refused to limit myself to keeping Yoshi out o’ levels he clearly didn’t belong ( like “Attic Antics” )? & yet I refused to apply the patch that allowed you to have mo’ than 19 characters per name ( well, without smushing letter together in hardcoded graphics, like the original Super Mario World did for “Forest of Illusions”’s names ), e’en though I wanted longer names. Here’s an example wherein I not only wanted it to have the word “the” & have it be “Persistence of Memory”, which is what the Dali painting’s actually called, but wanted it to be in its original Spanish, “La persistència de la memòria”, which would’ve been e’en harder to fit.

History repeats itself as I procrastinate allowing Boskeopolis Land to have levels that go beyond 1 line…

The note ’bout there being 1 o’ each color Yoshi is interesting ( not the least the fact that it’s wrong: you can also get a Blue Yoshi from that wings section o’ “Lunaria” ): you can’t 100% the game without finding the Yellow & Blue Yoshis, so they’re not all that secret. Only the Red Yoshi, which I showed off up ’bove the beginning o’ the 1st level, is truly secret.

Spreaking o’ the Yoshi section, its layout is odd. There’s just ’nough Koopas to feed Yoshi & leave 1 mo’. Knowing me, you’d think I’d leave just ’nough with none extra. The blocks are also setup so that it’s as awkward as possible to feed Yoshi, which I guess was the point, since I for some reason thought “awkward” meant “challenging”. ’Course it wouldn’t be LOTFS level without that awkward design leading to some hilarious glitches that kill you instantly. LOTFS teases you with intentional kaizo bullshit but doesn’t deliver, but does deliver kaizo bullshit by pure accident.

“HURRY UP PLEASE IT’S TIME” is a reference to a line spoken a few times from a poem by T.S. Eliot called “The Wasteland”, a famous example o’ modernist poetry ’mong the literati. Despite said popularity with serious literati, the all-caps & lack o’ punctuation are true to the poem — ’cept LOTFS actually adds punctuation: the original line said “ITS”, not “IT’S”. ’Cause o’ this, I was always surprised “HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME” ne’er became a meme.

In the earlier 2012 version o’ this hack, this level had a blander background & “Green Greens” music. I always wanted this level to have “Gourmet Race”, what with the focus on speed, but there was no rendition on SMW Central & I was too incompetent to make any decent renditions, as my attempt @ “Sea Turtle Rock” showed. I later found “Peanut Plains” & settled for that, since ’twas close & was a’least mo’ fast-paced than “Green Greens”.

I think this is 1 o’ my better-designed levels. It’s full o’ things that can delay you; but if you’re clever, you can speed them up. For instance, you can actually jump o’er the Pokeys with precise jumps, skipping the delay o’ eating them, & you can skip building some o’ the bridge o’er the Lotus Plant if you know that you can run o’er block-wide gaps by holding the jump button.

2 flaws: I remember the goal being higher up, requiring you to hop off flying Koopas to reach it. Maybe I thought that was too hard, but I think it makes for better design. I also think the time’s not nearly tight ’nough: I wasn’t e’en going all that fast & I made it to the end with 50 whole seconds left. I think I wanted to time it so that the timer kept reaching 100 seconds so the song would keep getting faster & faster, thanks to the famous Funky glitch.

• P-Switch level count: 33 / 60
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 16
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 9

Touchdown

Music: “Flower Garden”, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

The trick with this level was that I simply didn’t add a normal exit & set the normal exit to have no event. Thus, while most levels have no secret exits, this is the only level in this hack to have only a “secret exit”.

This was ’nother level I always liked, though it has its problems, too. That message box in the middle with the reset pipe is there ’cause some glitch I couldn’t figure out would sometimes cause the vine block to not make a vine when hit by the Rainbow Koopa, forcing you to warp to refresh the map.

There’s something to be said ’bout the oddness o’ this level’s layout. It’s s’posed to be a long stretch o’ a football field, only to be full o’ pipes. I guess that was the point. Strangely, despite this, the level does stay rather focused on the theme o’ Chargin’ Chucks & pipes & Piranha Plants. Then ’gain, ¿doesn’t most o’ this hack focus on those enemies?

¿Is that Muncher jump in the middle that I kept getting hit by e’en possible to make if big? I couldn’t do it @ all in my recent attempts.

• P-Switch level count: 33 / 61
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 16
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 9

Wonka Factory

Music: “Fear Factory”, Donkey Kong Country

After 2 strong levels we get a meh level. Clearly the aesthetics & the underutilized mechanics o’ conveyor belts & Li’l Sparkys masquerading as Super Mario Bros. 2 Sparks were s’posed to carry this level. Most o’ the 1st room is easily-dodged enemies on conveyor belts, with the only difficulty being the silly 1-tile conveyor jumps, & most o’ the 2nd room are easily-dodged Thwomps & Ball-’n-Chains, with the conveyor belts not doing much to change anything. Finally there’s ’nother autoscroller with unpredictable Podobos. The most interesting part is Wendy being a boss ( ¿Why didn’t I call this “Wendy’s Factory”? ¿Did I think nobody would get the reference or did I want her to be a surprise? ), marred by a wonky camera.

• P-Switch level count: 33 / 62
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 16
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 9

@ this point we’ve reached 84 exits ( & 62 levels, oddly, which means I must’ve miscounted somewhere, ’cause I remember there being only 60 levels ). That leaves 1 mo’: the aptly-named “The Last Levels”. As the plural “levels” indicates, it’s a big exit, which I’ll go into next update.

Playing Railroad

This level was a task, & you can see why with all the fun features I decided to include. This was a case o’ my artistic side o’erriding my careful programming self ( which, now that I remember what my code looks like, doesn’t exist ). I kept insisting that I must have some feature, e’en if it meant adding mo’ weird, rare conditions to my already-bloated code. It wasn’t ’nough to have the ability to shoot while standing, ducking, & being able to shoot upward & to have various enemies that do similarly; I insisted on having the level goal be “kill all the enemies”, since I found this level to be the 1 where killing enemies was the most fun. I had planned on having this level goal since the beginning, but my original goal would be that it’d be in a 1-map level, where I could simply test if the sprite vector is empty. But this level has multiple maps, & I definitely wasn’t cutting out my swanky roof section. This left a problem: only the current map’s sprites are loaded, & they’re reloaded ’tween maps, which causes any dead sprites to respawn. So I had to create a way to keep track o’ certain sprites I didn’t want to respawn & add some extra code to delete that sprite from the map’s sprite index vector so that when it respawned sprites that sprite’s flag would no longer be there ( similar to how blocks that disappear, such as gems, work ). ’Course, since I was lazy & didn’t want to keep manually counting how many enemies are in the level in total for the level goal, I had to create an extra function that loops through every map & looks for certain sprite IDs.

You may notice that the roof section has wind ( which makes the jumps — ’specially that spring jump — much harder than they seem ). This actually didn’t require hardly any reprogramming, since I already had the wind mechanic programmed for a level I plan to make later. The only reprogramming I had to do was some hacky fix to keep the springs ( which are sprites now ) from being affected by the wind. I actually mulled o’er whether I wanted to Cowpokers up on the roof to be affected by wind, as it messed up the arrangement I meant for the rightmost area ( wherein the Cowpokers are on crates ); but then I decided that having that the wind-based version is mo’ interesting.

The rest was was aesthetics, which is always surprisingly mo’ challenging & complicated than actual gameplay… & also required reprogramming. To allow that tunnel background, I had to fiddle a lot with the background image layer class to allow for a specific # o’ BG repeats ( before ’twas either infinitely or no repeat @ all ) & had to make it so that when the background goes too far left, it wraps back to the right ( which, to be fair, also would fix an unlikely — e’en with these fast-scrolling BGs it’d take 32-bit & higher computers a’least an hour or so for the int to reach the ~ -2 billion bottom limit — bug wherein the background movement X position wraps back to the int max value ). It still feels a bit janky, though — I particularly don’t like it when the tunnel appears right when you enter a map. Ideally it’d be rarer & take a’least a few minutes in a map to appear. Also, the tunnel doesn’t appear in the boss room ’cause its small map causes the tunnel to glitch out. Technically I could just enlarge the map & limit the camera ( the reason the boss room is in a different map — though you can see a decoy that’s just for show in the 1st map — is to keep the room on-screen, as I found the boss fight too janky with the boss offscreen ), but that felt wasteful.

The best part o’ these graphics is that I oft had to heavily readjust things when I decided to change things. For instance, the inner-train BG originally was just an image with repeat-x till I decided I wanted to have gaps ’tween train cars & show past the walls. Obviously having the background tile out into the outside o’ the train made no sense, so I had to break the image up into tiles & have them be a tile background layer, with no tiles in the outside parts¹. The problem with that is that I wanted those swanky translucent windows that appear ’hind that chair, which meant I needed a 2nd tile background layer. Now I changed it so that any layers in Tiled past 2 ( the sprite layer ) gets added as a tile background layer, allowing for theoretically infinite².

The window highlights, which were far harder to do than you might think, were ’nother example where I kept going back & forth. @ 1st I made animations for the train windows & the doors, only to realize I could just have consistent highlight graphics below all the graphics as a tile background layer & just have the windows be cut out with transparency… ’cept you sometimes go ’hind the windows, & they need to be in front o’ sprites, which is impossible with background tile layers ( they’re backgrounds, after all ). But the doors & front window don’t have this problem, so I finally settled with window highlights & solid highlights that go ’hind the doors & front window. & since you ne’er go ’hind the side window on the front car with the boss room, I just had those windows be in the background tile layer & added a block with a gray triangle in the top-right corner to make that angled window.

Front car with foreground layer given half transparency & background tile layer shown below.

If you’re curious how the train graphics look so you can see the sheer weight o’ the window highlight tiles:

The used windows highlights take up a whole 480 tiles, as opposed to ’bout 128 for all the rest — almost 4 times the girth.

Note that you can also see remnants o’ the ol’ door-window highlight graphics, as I ne’er got round to reclaiming that space & using it for the inside background tiles.

Actually making all these tiles was much mo’ tedious than you’d expect. Basically, I created a GIMP file with the black BG, white highlights, & a hidden layer with a solid color for the size o’ the graphic & kept going back & forth, moving the highlights up by 1 pixel & cropping to the hidden layer & saving a png for a total o’ 32 to 48 frames total for each type. Then I just copied them all into some CSS sprites app to put them all together, as seen in the graphic.

& now thinking ’bout it, it’d probably be much mo’ efficient to replace the door & front window highlights with a single graphic that’s just moved & tiled a certain way. I could e’en do that with the background image layer already programmed in, too. That’d save a whopping 288 tiles & probably a couple KB on the tile graphic.

& since I was being anal-retentive, I got round to improving graphics from eons ago. For example, you’ll notice I added shine animation to the gems, which didn’t take nearly as long as the window highlights. I also made the springs sprites so I could add animation & was surprised @ how well I was able to make them work.

The worst thing is that I can still think o’ a bunch o’ things I want to add to this level, but I felt that there had to come a time when I stopped. Part o’ me wants to add mo’ frames to the shooting animations for “cowgirl” Autumn & the Cowpokers. Also, I feel like the edges o’ the tunnel look awkward. I tried to make it look smooth with a bit o’ gradient, but it still looks clunky.

Finally, I wanted to have the train jerk up & down, like the train stages in Wario Land II do, but that’d require being able to move every block — including those in the background tile layers — up & down & would probably require having all the blocks permanent to prevent the up-&-down motion becoming janky when you scroll the camera & replace the blocks. Also, it’d probably complicate the gameplay as well as all that & would require a lot o’ testing, & basically I didn’t think ’twas worth all the effort. Maybe later. I have been puzzling ’bout making the block code mo’ efficient so I could just load them all @ once, which may be mo’ efficient that constantly regenerating them whenever the camera moves, but I’m not sure if it’s truly worth it.

Funny ’nough, I got so focused on talking ’bout graphics that I ne’er talked ’bout the difficulty o’ this level. Part o’ me feels like I might’ve gone o’erkill; on the other side, I have found that the mo’ I played this level, the easier I found it. @ 1st I thought trying to beat the level quickly was ridiculous — ’specially with the randomness o’ all the enemies’ shooting — & made the time challenge 1:50, e’en though my earlier attempts gave me a best time o’ 1:45, only to pleasantly surprise myself while recording by my ability to beat it in the 1:30s in only 3 tries ( 1 failed attempts shown on accident due to incompetent video editing ) — & that’s on a run in which I take a safety heart & make many other li’l mistakes; someone actually good @ games could probably beat this level in the 1:20s a’least. Clearly I must’ve found the difficulty fun since I kept making myself make things harder, — ’specially the boss³, who I e’en considered giving 2 mo’ hit points & for whom I did crank up the shooting frquency — since I found it mo’ exciting. In particular, I changed the boss so that it also shot low since I quickly discovered I could just duck & cheese him without the possibility o’ getting hit otherwise ( it’s still much easier to duck & shoot @ it while jumping o’er low shots, as shown in the video ). In fairness, the level does also provide plenty o’ hearts, including an infinite-use full-heal block right before the boss.

All the death pits in the upper section don’t help, ’specially with the wind. As I mentioned, some o’ the jumps are trickier than they look thanks to the wind & how it messes up Autumn’s momentum, ’specially the spring jump.

The Future

I think I might do a beach level ( a pirate level ) next.

Accompanying music.

Whenever I hear someone complain ’bout those lazy people who try to influence politics purely through social media — i.e. through communication — I always want to ask them what they think truly decides politics in modern civilization. Presumably they should get off their ass & go challenge the President to an honorable battle to the death, as is usually the means for enacting political change in modern society.

This should be contrasted with serious pundits who sit on their ass & write news articles or talk on TV all day, or those lazy politicians who literally control politics through sitting on their ass, talking, & signing pieces o’ paper. ¿How does that degenerate nobody Hairpiece expect to do anything sitting round in that white house all day?

I might e’en be callous ’nough to compare hashtag activists to that lazy bum Thomas Paine who just wrote some silly pamphlets — the 1700s equivalent o’ a Tumblr blog post — & sent them round all his friends. One may e’en be surprised that that most infamous inciter o’ political change, Karl Marx, spent quite a lot o’ his time sitting on his ass writing books & sending gossipy mail to his commie friends.

& on that subject, I might e’en go far ’nough to put on my Marx hat — or pirate hat; I get them confused a lot — & note that perhaps the only thing different from social media & the other examples I gave were that social media is used by dirty normal people, the dirty majority, whereas sitting on your ass writing newspaper articles or talking on TV is different ’cause those are reserved only for those who, um… ¿are rich? Can’t truly see how the average blowhard on TV or in the newspapers is any mo’ qualified. I know no hashtag could e’er meet the scientific sophistication o’ such wisdom as, “Suck on it, Iraq”, “How did the moon get there”, or Jon Stewart & Colbert making jokes ’bout eating a banana as if it’s a penis.

See, I’m mixed, ’cause I agree that most online political propaganda is inane. I hope it’s not too controversial o’ me to argue that, nah, I just don’t think random pictures o’ particularly hideous frogs has the same intellectual rigor o’, say, Voltaire — & I’m not e’en comparing them to the famous philosopher, since that’d be a laughable comparison, but that musician who made that song on The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. It’s just that I can’t take these criticisms seriously when they come from people just as idiotic.

Look, let’s be balanced here: the internet, TV, & newspapers are all equally braindead & you should probably be reading actual scientific journals or works by actual renown historians, you lazy bum. Or just read ’bout silly bootleg video games, ’cause it’s not like you’ll be able to do anything ’bout anything, anyway.

Which makes one wonder why anyone cares whether some high schoolers posting some wicked Rage Against the Machine lyrics on Twitter & what kind o’ deep insecurities rich people who get paid to write for big newspapers must have to consider it worth their time to smugly compare themselves to such serious targets o’ satire. “¡I sure showed that college freshman still living with their parents!” I know that’s why I make fun o’ everyone else, so clearly it must be the case for everyone else.

¡& it’s by Link himself!

I’d make a joke ’bout the CD-i games being better than Ocarina of Time, but that’s just lying. I would say that the cutscenes, being so good they’re bad, are a thousand times mo’ entertaining than anything in Ocarina of Time; but anyone who has actually played those games would know how horrendously shitty their controls & physics & everything are. Playing Ocarina of Time is like watching grass dry; playing The Wand of Gamelon or The Faces of Evil is like watching someone drive a drill into your eyes.

Accompanying music

For reasons I can’t comprehend, I’ve been playing Cool Spot quite a lot recently, despite the fact that I have many better games. I think I had this crazy idea o’ trying to speedrun it or something. @ the very least I want to see if I can 100% the game on hard.

Cool Spot was an ol’ platformer released for various systems o’ the time, most notably the SNES & Genesis / MegaDrive, based on a 7-Up mascot I only know ’bout ’cause o’ this game, which only means that it was a successful ad, & a bearded commie like me likes my ads to be good — preferably with a crazy Dr. Wily cosplayer involved. This doesn’t have that, but it does have some nifty level design.

Cool Spot straight goin’ the wrong way after spending all that time looking @ the map. You know he’s cool ’cause he don’t follow any fascist rules.

Cool Spot’s bretheren have been kidnapped by something that is ne’er ’splained — we’ll just say it’s the Coca-Cola Corporation — & you need to reach their cage & shoot the lock off. This has an interesting quirk in that you can sometimes beat a level early by shooting @ the lock through a wall, such as in “Off Da Wall”.

Actually, according to the official manual, they were kidnapped by a loon named Wild Wicked Wily Will ( who presumably does cosplay as Dr. Wily ) who wants to prove to the world & his subreddit that spots do exist. ¿Why? ¿Who knows? Maybe he thinks 7-Up is a Marxist conspiracy. Those li’l bastards are red.

Either way, you ne’er see Wily Willy Woe Wimpleton in the game, so it doesn’t matter.

But that’s not all: in order to release the spot & beat the level you have to collect a certain # o’, um, smaller spots out o’ the 100 total, depending on the difficulty. Easy requires only 30, normal 60, & hard 90. You can also get a bonus level if you get 75, 85, or 95 for the respective difficulties, where you can win continues & a chance to win a 1-up ( @ a total o’ 6 bonus levels ). Finally, if you collect all 100 you’re guaranteed a 1-up @ the end o’ the stage.

The difficulty levels is where the game gets annoying. This is 1 o’ those games wherein if you beat it on easy, the game says you have to beat it on hard. In addition, you have to collect 6 continues represented by “UNCOLA” letters & keep them till the end.

Back then if you did beat it on hard with all the “UNCOLA” letters & sent a picture to 7-Up you’d win some contest. Online all I found were a bunch o’ conflicting stories ’bout what one actually won, but I doubt you’d get anything for doing it now — well, ’less you’re The Completionist. But I’m not, so fuck that shit. I love how e’en 7-Up’s twitter said, “Deserved it!” Damn right they deserved it: Cool Spot on hard’s cheap as fuck; I’m not surprised this guy looks so grizzled & angry. “If I e’er see a wasp ’gain, I will crush it with my bare hands”.

¿What happens if you don’t have a camera? Tough shit: that’s what happens.

Strangely the game ends after this, not e’en giving you the credits. Apparently they acknowledged how boring credits are & decided to only subject losers who couldn’t beat the game the real way to them.

As you rise in difficulty, the # o’ enemies they throw in ramps up; but what makes hard mode so hard is finding all the spots. As I mentioned, you need 90 in every level & 95 in the majority to get all the “UNCOLA” letters ( assuming you don’t end a bonus stage without getting a letter, which is quite easy on the later stages, since these bonuses don’t give much time ).

& this game is dickish ’bout hiding spots. They love hiding them ’hind every piece o’ scenery. E’en after playing the 1st few levels dozens o’ times & checking ’hind every piece o’ scenery, I’ll still oft miss spots. I still haven’t been able to find all the spots in “Toying Around”, & I looked all o’er. That level just has so much scenery clutter that trying to sift through it all is headache inducing. ¿Why do I like this obnoxious game?

While getting all 100 spots in normal levels is challenging, getting them all in the bonus stages is much harder. Like I said, they give you li’l time, & once you run out, your chance is gone. All you get is a 1-up, so it’s not a huge loss. The game gives you plenty o’ lives & caps you @ 9, anyway. But the collectivist part o’ me still hates it. It’s like 101% Donkey Kong 64 while only getting 75% o’ the bananas in each level — it’s wrong.

Time is also strict on harder difficulties to the point that I don’t e’en know how you’d get 95 spots & beat “Toying Around” without losing a life to time-out a’least once.

Interestingly, the bonus stages don’t seem to change in difficulty — not e’en in terms o’ less time or mo’ spike balls.

Despite that, it does have some nifty level design. The levels are open & mazelike, but the game provides arrows on easy & normal if you start going in wrong ways ( which is usually where you want to go if you want to get all the spots ). The themes are also mo’ exotic than in most platformers, with an o’erarching theme o’ being small in a big world: you have a sunny beach full o’ balloons; a pier with rope & fish hooks; an attic with severed wires for ladders & mouse traps as, well traps; a bathtub with rubber duckies & tadpoles for platforms & parade Zeppelins tied to strings hanging high ’bove; & a toy room full o’ all kinds o’ crap: upturned sneakers, stacks o’ quarters, glasses, towers o’ playing cards, fire trucks with upward sloping ladders that can be used to reach higher places, & shoelaces that can be used as ladders. Considering how my entire life was inspired by that fateful coffee can o’ my youth, it shouldn’t be too surprising why I’d love the toy room levels, e’en though they’re the most infuriating in terms o’ hiding things.

I think we can see why I like this game so much: pure nostalgia, nothing mo’.

Cool Spot also has a cool gimmick to how it shows the level themes: rather than going through all the levels o’ a theme @ once per theme, it mirrors through them: it goes through them, has 1 unique pinball level in the middle, & then goes back through them in the opposite direction, so that the beach levels are the 1st & last, the pier levels the 2nd & penultimate, the attic levels the 3rd & 3rd-to-last, & so on. There is a bit o’ a question ’bout the 4th & 4th-to-last level: they both have the same background, but different music, & while the 4th focuses on a bathtub, the 4th-to-last focuses on a train.

A quirk ’bout these level themes is that the difficulty seems to stay similar ’mong levels o’ the same theme, with the exception that “Dock & Roll” is much harder than “Pier Pressure” & matches its place as the penultimate level, “Surf Patrol” becomes ridiculously cheap & hard on the hardest difficulty ( but is 1 o’ the easiest levels on easy & normal ), & “Loco Motive” is actually easier than “Wading Around”, despite coming after it. The 3rd & 3rd-to-last level are similarly easy ( actually, probably both easier than the 2nd level ). Then ’gain the middle level, “Radical Rails”, which is the only level o’ its pinball gimmick, is probably the easiest, with no enemies ( though time is as dangerous as e’er ); but then, I think that was meant as a kind o’ bonus intermission.

As many note, the game has no bosses @ all — not e’en a final boss. This shocked me @ the time & led me to believe that you had to beat the game on hard with the “UNCOLA” letters to get the final boss, only to learn the truth later. I’m not as bummed ’bout it as other people, though, since I ne’er liked bosses, anyway. ¿Doesn’t hard mode have ’nough enemies to fight already?

Cool Spot’s physics are annoying & make the game harder than it should be. There’s no run button: ’stead you have to build momentum by walking, & how off you are significantly affects Cool Spot’s jump length. He also in general feels sluggish. Sometimes the hit detection can be finnicky, too. You have no idea how annoyed I’d get when I’d keep falling off ball platforms in “Toying Around”, forcing me to either lose half a level’s progress or kill myself to return to the nearer checkpoint.

It also has a terrible camera that makes every jump a blind jump. I’d say this is what makes the bonus stages as hard as they are. When you’re falling, since you’re so close to the bottom o’ the screen, you have no time to react to anything so it’s luck whether you hit a bubble or spot you’re aiming for. ’Cause Spot can hit bubbles from below & bounce up, it’s easy to jump up & hit a bubble you weren’t aiming for, throwing you off. In the level proper, ’specially in hard mode where the game loves flying enemies, it’s common for levels to just throw enemies into your face out o’ nowhere. I’d say it’s outright impossible to not get hit in this game without memorizing most o’ the enemy locations.

WARNING: Bullshit ’head.

To be fair, the game is rather generous with lives. I don’t know if it’s ’cause I’ve just practiced ’nough that I’ve gotten better @ the game, but I’m currently halfway through hard mode with the maximum 9 lives, & I died a lot ( sometimes intentionally to avoid going through a bunch o’ stuff ’gain after falling a long way down in “Toying Around” & “Wading Around” ). If you get a lot o’ spots ( which is necessary to get the bonus stage, & thus the “UNCOLA” letters necessary to truly beat the game ) & have a decent ’mount o’ time left on the clock when you beat a level, you’ll get an extra life after every stage. Levels are also full o’ extra lives. Also, I think the developers realized the toy levels are brutal ’cause they filled them with full-heals 7-Up bottles. The downside is that they don’t come back if you die, e’en though the enemies do.

As a note, the 7-up bottles offer an element o’ luck to the easy & normal difficulties: defeated enemies would randomly spawn them, which can either be extremely helpful or redundant depending on when you get them. It’s not too rare for a bottle to spawn just after ’nother or to go through an entire level without any — though I do feel like the game offers them mo’ if you’re low on life. Hard mode doesn’t have these @ all, which means that on most levels which don’t have hard-coded versions ( such as in “Toying Around” ), you have to be extra careful ’bout getting hit. I don’t like this change as it gets rid o’ the strategic benefit o’ killing enemies, making a lot o’ them not worth bothering with ( ’specially since some enemies, like the Pencil Goblins in the toy levels or the Clams in the pier levels take fore’er to die ).

This leads to interesting per-level difficulty changes ’tween the different difficulty modes. Some levels like the wall levels don’t become much harder — just a few easily-dodged spiders. The 1st & 2nd levels, meanwhile, become much harder, since they now have mo’ flying enemies. The 1st & last levels have the greatest difficulty spike, since it now has wasps all o’er the up-high balloon section & getting hit will cause you to drop off a balloon, forcing you to go all the way back up. Some o’ them are hard to dodge & thanks to the camera seem to come from nowhere if you’re not going slowly & carefully or don’t know they’re coming. Normal mode doesn’t have them @ all; the balloon section is perfectly safe. It’s interesting as when I played the game on easy & normal I found the last level, “Surf Patrol”, to be much easier than “Dock & Roll” or the toy levels; but on hard I couldn’t beat it without cheating. I could get up to it with plenty o’ lives, but couldn’t beat it. It’s just full o’ wasps that snipe you from offscreen ( meanwhile, you can’t kill them while they’re offscreen, as they despawn ). The vast majority o’ the spots are up in the balloon area, & it’s just too easy to get hit & fall back down. If you didn’t kill the millions o’ enemies swarming the ground, you’ll likely get hit a few times trying to get back up ’gain. If you did kill them all, you’ll ’ventually lose all your life & die & either have to go through the level spending minutes killing all the enemies ( & likely lose a few hit points from sniped shots from a spontaneous wasp ). It’s infuriating.

I do have to give them that: their difficulty levels are fitting. Easy is stupidly easy, normal is, well, normal, & hard is, well, hard. It offers a nice way to gradually build one’s skills. Unfortunately, the difficulty’s just not well-done: it’s almost all cheap, with the only solution being to memorize where enemies are & take advantage o’ the lives the game throws @ you. There are many times when the game just hits you when there was nothing you could do to prevent it.

Different Versions

The Genesis version is worse than the SNES version that I’m usually used to in every way ’cept for maybe the music. Not only are its graphics much worse, its physics are e’en worse. Jumping & hit detection feels mo’ finnicky, & Spot grabs ladders automatically just by touching them, rather than when you press up or down, which makes it hard to get off the damn things.

The PC / DOS, Amiga, Game Boy, GameGear, & Master System versions are e’en worse. The amiga version comes close to having almost bearable music, only for that music to be constantly interrupted by sound effects. The PC & Amiga versions were so bad that soft-drink 3rd wheeler Dr. Pepper / Snapple Group didn’t want their logo or the word “UNCOLA” in it… ( ’stead you spell out “virgin”, teaching kids that abstinence is way cool ) e’en though it still has their mascot Cool Spot. This also apparently applies to the European versions ’cause they have a different mascot… e’en though the mascot is the 1 thing that stayed in the games. This is why Coke & Pepsi are still beating you guys. Well, that & ’cause you didn’t have hilariously bad cutscenes with hilarious bad acting in your game. ’Cause if Pepsi knows anything it’s that stereotyping your target audience as fat, lazy, idiotic slobs is the best way to get customers.

In short: only play the SNES version & only listen to the music from the SNES & Genesis versions.

Graphics

I have no complaints ’bout the SNES Cool Spots’s graphics. They all-o’er look nice & are full o’ creative detail. I already mentioned how much detail they went into for the scenery. It’s not just that it looks nice but that it also has character to it that makes it look interesting. For the attic level, they didn’t just use realistic wood textures for everything but added wires for climbing, tacs & mouse traps for dangers, mice in pajamas that throw cheese for enemies.

As you can see, the Genesis graphics are worse, which is no surprise, since the Genesis had inferior graphical abilities than the SNES. Not only are the graphics less colorful & detailed, different levels o’ the same theme don’t have different palettes.

Compare the 2 pier levels in the SNES version, the 2nd o’ which has a sunset cast:

The Genesis versions both have baby-blue skies:

I don’t know why, but I always liked seeing the return o’ enemies or levels later on with different palettes, usually in a much harder form. It’s that strange mix o’ familiarity & yet also difference.

Music

Cool Spot’s music is either very catchy or annoying depending on the track. Most oft it’s amazing — ’twas made by Tommy Tallarico, the guy who did the music for the Earthworm Jim games, after all. This is the 1 case wherein the Genesis version sounds good in its own right. It’s not as detailed or smooth as the SNES versions, but the rawer texture o’ its instruments sound good in their own right. ’Cause o’ this, I’ll be linking to both versions so you can listen to them both. I won’t be listing the other versions though, ’cause they’re ass. In fact, if you look on YouTube, all you’ll find are the SNES & Genesis soundtracks ’cause nobody liked the other soundtracks.

Bonus Level / Rave Dancetune

This is the song most people know ’bout & is most people’s favorite. I’d put it in the middle: better than “Shell Shock” & “Pier Pressure”, but worse than “Toying Around” & SNES “Off Da Wall”. I definitely prefer the SNES version, not the least o’ which ’cause it better emulates the sound o’ the song it’s obviously inspired by. The Genesis version also sounds choppier & less energetic.

Shell Shock / Beach Music

This is the most moderately good SNES track. It’s not as annoying as “Radical Rails / Parade Tune” or boring as “Loco Motive / Western Tune”, but it’s @ the bottom o’ the list o’ others. This is where I think the smoothness o’ the SNES version makes it not sound as good as the Genesis version. The Genesis version sounds like it has mo’ contrast & seems to bring out the beach sound o’ the instruments mo’.

Pier Pressure / Jazzy Tune

I think I prefer the SNES version, but it’s not a strong preference. It actually feels like it has mo’ contrast, & its bass & percussions sound much richer.

Off Da Wall / Wall Tune

The SNES version is definitely better. This is a track wherein the SNES’s smoother, deeper sound works better than the Genesis’s simpler, grungier sound.

This is the only track that doesn’t sound like it truly fits its level theme. ¿Does this sound like attic music?

Wading Around / Play da Blues

Like “Shell Shock”, this music sounds better on the Genesis — e’en mo’ than that song. The instruments sound — ’specially the electric guitar & some percussions — too weak on the SNES version. The Genesis version has that bumpiness to it; & I love the echo effect on its electric guitar.

It only loses points ’cause I’m getting sick o’ them using “da” for “the” as some hokey gimmick.

Toying Around / Groovie Tune

See, now this is my favorite song o’ the game, for the best theme, too. I definitely prefer the SNES version, since its smoother, deeper sound gives it the warmth it warrants. It’s where the soft percussions actually work better. The Genesis version still sounds good in its own way, though. ¡That rusty bass!

’Nother difference ’tween the Genesis & SNES versions: the Genesis version plays “Parade Tune” when you beat a level while SNES version has silence while the 2 characters scream for joy. I actually prefer the SNES version’s ’cause “Parade Tune” is bloody obnoxious.

O’erall

Cool Spot has great art, music, & level design ( not counting enemy placement ); but its basic game design — physics, controls, camera, & enemy placement — suck. I’d recommend playing it on normal or easy, but don’t bother with hard: it’s cheap bullshit.

There are a bunch o’ other games, like some crappy board game ripoff for the NES simply called Spot & Spot Goes to Hollywood, but nobody cares ’bout those games; & I didn’t grow up with them, so I certainly don’t. I think someone adapted McKids for the Game Boy & replaced all McDonalds stuff with Cool Spot, but it sucks & you should stick to the NES McKids.

¿Where did Vanity Fair get the silly idea that they had any brain cells to talk ’bout politics. Stick to interviewing brain dead actors, please.

Internet clickbait promotes mental tooth decay[.]

“Duh, ¿what’s a mixed metaphor? I don’t have to think when I write figurative language, ¿do I? ¡But that’s too hard!” That’s right up there with “rectal cancer of the mouth” in sense-making.

If Donald Trump speaks Jerkish, according to retired novelist Philip Roth, Jones’s broadside was written in Snarkish:

If your biggest complaint ’bout a president dangerously ignorant o’ basic science & who inspires rises o’ hate crimes is that he “speaks Jerkish”, you are a pampered dipshit & need to get o’er your fucking self. If your biggest complaint ’bout a blogger is that they spoke “snarkish”… ¡You’re speaking “snarkish”! ¡& stupid!, which is e’en worse.

“That I should live to see the day when Meryl Streep’s speechifying at a Hollywood awards show is admired as solemnly and discussed as fervently as Lincoln’s second inaugural address is a personal nightmare. Lectured by Streep! And about how her and all her Hollywood pals, decked out in everything that costs the earth and sparkles in the spotlight, are among the true victims of Donald Trump’s American authoritarianism!”

Sounds right to me.

Vanity Fair: “¡How dare this… snarkish person be insensitive to the plights o’ the rich & airheaded! ¡Do you have any idea o’ how much I bled to come up with that whipped cream metaphor!”

Streep’s chastising of Trump in her acceptance speech at the Golden Globes was derided as a sniffy display of royal hauteur, as if her ladyship had gotten her blue sash in a twist.

No, ’twas rightfully mocked for being self-indulgent & airheaded. The irony is that it’s the lack o’ pretentious inanity in the critics that’d make them ne’er write something as inane as this sentence.

But here’s the twist: Eileen Jones is no righty coveting a rotation spot in the Fox News greenroom. She teaches film at Berkeley—and you know what it’s like at Berkeley, radical fervor springing from every hair follicle—”

Stereotypes are the best political points to make. “Duh, there’s no right-wingers in Berkeley like there are no liberals in Texas”.

We also have a naive cliché: that leftists making fun o’ airheaded celebrities who exploit anti-rightwing rhetoric for their own shallow interests is rare. It isn’t; we’ve been making fun o’ you for decades.

[A]nd her Streep denunciation was published in Jacobin, which bills itself as “a leading voice of the American left, offering socialist perspectives on politics, economics, and culture.”

They have standards almost as low as Vanity Fair.

Disillusionment with Obama’s presidency, loathing of Hillary Clinton, disgust with “identity politics,” and a craving for a climactic reckoning that will clear the stage for a bold tomorrow have created a kinship between the “alt-right” and an alt-left.

Interesting. Here, let me try:

With their use o’ ad-hominem association attacks gainst political enemies with popularly reviled figures based on superficial similarities, their focus on label-based attacks rather than descriptive analyses, such as “alt-left” or “commie”, & their use o’ pretentious, empty buzzwords to hide the lack o’ substance in their arguments, Vanity Fair has created a kinship with the alt-right.

The “[d]isillusionment with Obama’s presidency” isn’t e’en right. The alt-right wasn’t “disillusioned” with Obama ’cause they ne’er liked him, dipshit. As for the “disgust with ‘identity politics’”, yeah, Jacobin shows it — when it’s appropriated by the alt-right. ’Course, Vanity Fair doesn’t bother to actually give a link showing any evidence that this nebulous “alt-left” hates “identity politics” or offers a definition o’ what that nebulous phrase is s’posed to mean. Presumably he’s accusing Jacobin & the rest o’ the “alt-left” o’ being bigoted — without any evidence to back it up.

Like I said: stick to interviews with rich idiots talking ’bout their fancy dresses. That’s all this ditz has the brain power for.

They’re not kissin’ cousins, but they caterwaul some of the same tunes in different keys.

Read: “They’re not actually allies, but I found some superficial similarities”. E’en he acknowledges he’s a liar.

The alt-right receives the meatiest share of attention in the media, as it should.

Yeah, ’cause what hurt the alt-right so hard was too much attention. That’s why they try to avoid it as much as possible.

I can’t get o’er how li’l political savvy this idiot has.

It’s powerful, vicious, steeped in neo-Nazi ideology, nativist white supremacy, men’s-rights misogyny, and Ayn Rand capitalist übermensch mythos […]

Um, ¿what evidence is there that Hairpiece was particularly popular with Objectivists? Most I’ve read hate that evil socialist ’cause they’re crazy, take any tepid criticism o’ excess neoliberal economics as being “socialist”, & forget that their own god was a crony who profited off politics & used government funds for her cigarette-fed medical bills. ( Shocking how an ideology that praises selfishness & narcissism would lead people to be narcissistic hypocrites who praise their own actions done for purely selfish reasons while attacking others who do the same as “corrupt” ).

The alt-left can’t match that for strength, malignancy, or tentacled reach, but its dude-bros and “purity progressives” exert a powerful reality-distortion field online and foster factionalism on the lib-left.

As opposed to Vanity Fair, which slipped up in that sentence before & pretty much acknowledged that they’re being propagandist liars.

“The alt-left isn’t actually as bad as the alt-right; but some empty terms I made up trick people into thinking… ¿they’re similar?” ¿How are they “distorting” reality? ¿By being bigots? ¿Are they somehow tricking other leftists into being bigots? That’s not necessarily deceitful. It’d be a lot smarter to actually start with the examples, & then give the conclusions, so I don’t assume you’re full o’ shit. But I’m gonna guess you won’t e’er give any arguments.

The closest we get to an argument is “dude-bros”, presumably a reference to “Bernie Bro” pro-Bernie bigots. ¿Why not focus on them? ¿& what evidence is there that Jacobin supports them?

Interestingly, Jacobin, through Matt Bruenig, does provide statistics that show that Bernie had ’bout the same even male-female ratio as Clinton in terms to support. You have no idea how refreshing it is to see actual data & proof, & not just a bunch o’ clunky mixed metaphors & bitching.

Sorry for a second: I have to relocate my place in the Vanity Fair article ’cause it keeps moving me round ’cause their web design, like most big newspapers, is shit. The ratio o’ actual competence vs. perceived competence is leagues low for big newspapers like Vanity Fair or CNN.

He then goes on to list random left-wing & right-wing papers & websites, mentions 1 guy who became a Hairpiece-supporter ( &, ironically, considers himself pro-neoliberal, making him not on Jacobin or Naked Capitalism’s team, since they despise neoliberals worse than pond scum ), & 1 other politician who went on to gladhand Hairpiece in hopes o’ getting a spot in his crony bin. So this vile “alt-left” includes 3 people, 1 o’ which committed the crime o’ calling a celebrity a self-indulgent airhead.

O, sorry, we have 1 mo’:

Cornel West, once an orator at every social-justice convocation who got so uncoiled by his rancorous contempt for Obama and cast adrift into the hazy fringes of the alt-left—see Michael Eric Dyson’s definitive autopsy, “The Ghost of Cornel West,” the New Republic, April 19, 2015—that in 2016 he supported the Green Party candidacy of Jill Stein, that stellar mind.

O, ¿you mean that stellar mind who talked a lot ’bout the problems o’ the US’s electoral system, such as its inane electoral system or lack o’ instant-runoff, which caused Clinton to lose in the 1st place while that genius Clinton talked ’bout Hairpiece’s fucking tax returns? ( But she’s a 3rd party, & therefore dumb, ’cause independent thought is too hipster ). As opposed to that genius, Clinton, who lost what should’ve been a cinch ’cause she couldn’t be bothered to so-much-as visit Wisconsin. That genius.

I should add that Dyson’s “definitive autopsy” is nothing mo’ than a multithousand word pile with li’l actual analysis o’ Obama or West’s politics, but plenty o’ words ’bout West being a hypocrite ’cause he made fun o’ Dyson dicksucking Obama while West dicksucked Prince — when any sane person given the choice ’tween sucking Prince’s dick or Obama’s dick would choose Prince every time. ’Specially now that Prince is a ghost: if you’ve ne’er sucked a ghost’s dick, you’ve ne’er lived.

To be fair, this writer for once provides actual evidence o’ an actual target showing actual political naivity:

It was Jill Stein who said Hillary might be the greater evil in a Trump matchup (“Hil­la­ry has the potential to do a whole lot more damage, get us into more wars”), a sentiment shared by actress Susan Sarandon, who told an interviewer she believed that Clinton was “more dangerous” than Trump because she was more hawkish and better able to ram her agenda through Congress.

On 1 hand, it’s important to remember that during the election itself, Hairpiece did spew some talk ’bout backing ’way from wars, caged in the name o’ antiglobalism, since the only way to get idiot bigots to oppose bombing foreigners is to tell them that that’d mean forcing the soldiers to go near them. Then ’gain, anyone who takes Hairpiece on his word for anything is an idiot, & we’ve seen this when he sent drones to Syria.

In words I suspect Sarandon wishes she could reel back, she discounted the threat level posed by a Trump presidency: “Seriously, I am not worried about a wall being built . . . . He is not going to get rid of every Muslim in this country.”

“As long as we still have a few Muslims left, I won’t have to worry ’bout putting on brown face for the movie version o’ Arabian Nights. The rest o’ those Muslims, though, they’re collateral damage — fuck ’em”.

While Jill Stein is certainly a relevant example, Sarandon’s just some dimwitted celebrity — just like Meryl Streep. Shocking she’s dumb, too.

Let’s have a compromise, Vanity Fair: all actors shut up ’bout politics, whether liberal ditzes, “alt-left” ditzes, or conservative 1980s presidents.

He follows this with some Russian conspiracy theories, which, following the pattern o’ subconscious realization o’ his own idiocy, involves self-referencing cold-war scares without a sense o’ irony.

See, it used to be that left-wingers opposed warmongering, ’cause it doesn’t solve anything. If people like this guy who support warmongering so long as it has the stamp o’ approval by Clinton & the Democrats had any semblance o’ nuanced political savvy ( or didn’t have their fist up the Democrats’ asshole ), they’d remember that the Cold War ended not ’cause Reagan constantly threatened military force gainst Russia but ’cause Reagan was actually rather genial ( while still being outspoken in his opposition to the Soviet Union’s government system ) with Gorbachev, convincing him to moderate the Soviet government. Contrast that with the Soviet Union’s reaction to JFK’s blitheringly stupid actions during the Cuban Missle Crisis: alarmed by the US’s cowboy, “Fuck you all”, they booted Khrushchev, who was relatively moderate, & tightened control o’er the populace. Anyone with a basic understanding o’ human psychology knows that that’s what happens when you act belligerent toward someone else: they’re mo’ likely to act belligerent back. But then, assuming this writer has any knowledge o’ basic psychology is silly, since he doesn’t have any basic knowledge, period.

It ends with the best:

And here is where the alt-right and the alt-left press foreheads for a Vulcan mind-meld: the belief that the real enemy, the true Evil Empire, isn’t Putin’s Russia but the Deep State, the C.I.A./F.B.I./N.S.A. alphabet-soup national-security matrix. But if the Deep State can rid us of the blighted presidency of Donald Trump, all I can say is “Go, State, go.”

It’s ironic for someone who criticizes Hairpiece for being authoritarian to pledge support for a military coop with the lines “Go, State, go”.

I could throw round a bunch o’ labels @ this writer, like “neoliberal stooge” or “rich liberal who cares mo’ ’bout ideological tripe & having their shallow team win o’er the real suffering o’ poor people” ( oops: still couldn’t keep myself from being mo’ descriptive ); but there’s a much mo’ fitting label: this writer is a fucking idiot who doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking ’bout.

Worse, he’s a destructive idiot. His idiocy is destructive to the left-wing. He lumps all critics o’ the Democratic Party, e’en those, like Jacobin, which hasn’t shown a single shred o’ support for the alt-right with those “leftists” who authentically show no concern for women or racial minorities as a pathetic attempt to deflect from the fact that the Democratic Party are fuck-ups. He doesn’t want to admit that Clinton wasn’t sabotaged by an evil conspiracy o’ those vile leftists who don’t show 100% devotion, but that Clinton was authentically a shitty politician. He doesn’t want to admit that Clinton was widely unpopular ’mong leftists, not ’cause many o’ them are secret women-haters, but ’cause Clinton supported truly awful things, like deeply homophobic murderous tyrants in Haiti ( & these fucking Democratic sycophants have the gall to accuse other people o’ not caring ’bout “identity politics”, when Clinton showed a shocking lack o’ concern for the worst o’ attacks gainst a minority group ), supported drone strikes gainst middle easterners ( hard to take leftists seriously when they attack a president for kicking Muslims out o’ a country while praising a politicians who supports mass-murdering them ), & supported economic policies that hurt poor people ( though not as much as Hairpiece, you dumb “Hairpiece leftists” ).

A’least the alt-right is consistent ’nough to stick by something. They despise Muslims, & they live by it. When leftists attack bigotry on 1 hand while supporting bigotry on the other ’cause it’s “convenient” or “practical” ( the Democrats are so practical that they keep losing ), you can’t be surprised when much o’ the populace becomes cynical & stops taking you seriously.

But the alt-right did teach 1 lesson I’d been hammering ’bout for years: compromises can actually hurt just as much as they help, & so can having too low o’ standards. The alt-right succeeded while bashing many other right-wingers for sometimes letting their silly li’l conscience get in the way o’ screwing o’er weaker people. ¿Why can’t this work for the left? ¿Could not the left benefit by cutting off these hypocritical idiots who simply get in the way rather than dragging us all down with them?

After all, it’s not like anybody likes them. “Hollywood liberal” is such a popular taunt ’cause it strikes a nerve with those who otherwise might be open to either side: privileged ditzes who throw platitudes ’bout disadvantaged people, but don’t care ’bout them in any concrete way. ¿Wouldn’t the left look mo’ serious, look like they actually care, if they cut off these exploitive wastes?

Obviously this review is facetious: but I give this review credit for a’least being funny.

The highlights:

You can’t jump in Ocarina of Timeless Piece of Crap. It ruins the game. Why can’t you jump? Is there something wrong with your legs? In UnderTale, not only can you jump and even double jump, you can even triple murder jump. I know Zelda is white, but if you really think white men can’t jump, then you’re racist. Anyway, even if it was true, he’s only a man for half the game. The rest of the time, he’s a kid and I can tell you my two boys can jump, so why not in this game? Plus, he wears a skirt, so you can’t use the excuse that his jeans are too tight and he doesn’t want to tear them.

[…]

I tried to show Cockarina of Time to my five year old, but as soon as he saw the title screen, he flicked his lit cigarette at me, told me to “Eat it, you old fuck,” and screeched away on his motorcycle. I haven’t seen him since. This game destroys families.

I wouldn’t bother reading any o’ the later 1s. I read the Super Mario Bros. 3 1 & it’s clear this person used all their jokes on this review.

Accompanying music