Media rag Hollywood Reporter ought to learn that if they’re going to puke out political propaganda, they should pick people with actual political accumen to deliver it — not 2 professionals in “shouting incoherently into their microphone”.

They rightfully make fun o’ some nobody celebrity for making a threatening photo o’ Hairpiece with his head decapitation, & then rightfully make fun o’ her narcissistic moaning ’bout what a victim she is for doing so. But then they stupidly turn it into an attack on “political correctness”, or whatever, e’en though she’s the 1 accusing her opponents o’ being “politically correct”. Indeed, she’s doing what right-wing clods do all the time: someone rightfully attacks her for saying something hateful & stupid, & she claims that they’re violating her “freedom o’ speech” much in the same way that calling people racist is a “violation o’ freedom o’ speech”.

After a small snippet o’ fantasy history ( duh, ¿what’s the “Alien & Sedition Act”? ¿What kind o’ low standards did the schools that these ol’ conservatives go to that none o’ these idiots know basic American history? ) they cite a study that shows that the minority o’ Millennials believe racist speech should be illegal & the majority say that “hate speech” — presumably actual threats, since that’s the only way one could differentiate it from merely racist speech — should be illegal. This is as it has always been, just as how slander & shouting “¡Fire!” in a theater is illegal. This is as opposed to people back in the 60s who thought ’twas OK for the government to violently suppress political protests — O, wait, many o’ them still do.

They then turn this incoherent rant into an advertisement for some movie that is an incoherent rant gainst colleges & their “safe spaces” & their “triggers” & their hip-hops. This always bewildered me. ¿How is not being allowed to say things @ a college the same as not being able to say things @ all? I’m not allowed to say all kinds o’ things @ all kinds o’ places, & am not e’en allowed to be on many other premises — ¡including colleges! Hell, only a tiny few people are admitted into colleges; that’s far mo’ discriminatory than the few admitted into colleges but s’posedly silenced. This is ‘specially the case since most examples are famous people who probably aren’t e’en smart ‘nough to graduate a college being protested @ colleges ( ‘course the right to protest speakers isn’t a kind o’ speech that needs to be defended, ’cause anti-PC rhetoric is always Orwellian ).

[ Since I’m lazy, just imagine I included that xkcd comic where the stick figure gives the author’s opinion on free speech for 6 panels, like everyone else &mdash ¡Psyche! ¡It’s the 1 with the vagina, ‘stead! ]

The fact that these 2 are trying to argue that the mere prospect o’ threatening speech ( which they invented — as they themselves said, nobody said anything ’bout suppressing speech, so what relevance this has to their shallow ad can only be that they truly want people to buy their garbage ) that is directly threatening the life o’ the President is modern society going to far is evidence that they’re either brain dead or liars. ¿You truly expect me to believe the FBI would tolerate such a public figure pulling that back in the 60s, 70s, or 80s?

If anything, it shows that freedom o’ speech is healthier now than it’s e’er been. Sure, you can get banned off Twitter or banned from giving speeches @ a college, just as how you could always get kicked off newspapers for the same for centuries; but there’s nothing stopping them from starting their own websites or colleges… Well, ‘cept capitalism — but I’m going to presume these 2 aren’t exactly jumping to “smash capitalism”, or whatever.

We already know America’s doomed ’cause its media is filled with “left-wing” idiots who think drawing pictures o’ someone decapitated & crying ’bout people rightfully calling her stupid for doing so is intelligent discussion & “right-wing” idiots who don’t e’en know basic American history, law, or anything beyond mindless curt sentences.

Late as always, since this shit always gets lost in the couch cushions…

Noah Smith’s actually good critique o’ Silicon Valley: “Useless Gawker-inspired rags with stupid names like Gizmodo & Whatthefuck are hypocrites for criticizing Silicon Valley despite themselves being mostly upper-class white people who do nothing to help others & are a parasitic cancer on the web, when the real problem with Silicon Valley isn’t that they’re evilly well-run businesses but actually incompetent, shittily-run businesses. Also, Peter Thiel is a shitty person”.

Sounds right to me.

OK, so I may have twisted his words a li’l bit on Gizmodo & Whatthefuck ( ¿Deadspin? That’s not a name you give a magazine — that’s a name you give a forgettable Marvel superhero ); but be honest: we were all thinking that.

Also, I love his reaction to the possibility o’ a tech bust: “It’s OK: it’s mostly computer dorks who’ll suffer, not normal people”. Ha, ha: fuck you, nerds; no mo’ $400 PlayStation 4s & $1,000 8-core 16GB-Ram monster towers for you. It’s just abandonware DOS games & SNES roms from now on, just like the rest o’ us plebs — the true sign o’ utter destitution.

What I don’t love is his goofy use o’ a screenshot from some generic tactical war game as some clunky metaphor for some theory vs. evidence bullshit. ¿Are blog readers so stupid that they can’t just read text if there’s not some irrelevant picture somewhere to ease them in? See, Sir Smith still hasn’t learned from the time he flunked economics in collegio — a true story, & a true English word — ’cause he thought it’d be great to put a screenshot o’ Golden Mario running through a bunch o’ coins in New Super Mario Bros 2: The Blandness Returns ’bove the abstract o’ his economic thesis on currency manipulation & fiber equilibriums.

Later on, Sir Smith demonstrated his expert knowledge o’ psychology by spewing some pseudoscientific bullshit ’bout what he called the “shouting class”, but what ordinary call “obnoxious assholes”, & which has existed since the cavepeople days when cavepeople would smash someone with a boulder if they saw a John McCain sticker on someone else’s wheel. This was inspired by him whining ’bout someone making fun o’ some Twitter thread thing he made wherein he talked ’bout how Democrats & Republicans should all stick dicks in each other’s bums & lick each other’s tears & some leftists rightfully called that “Family Circus shit”. This is 100% true if we translate “some leftists” as “J. J. W. Mezun”.

Join me next time as I twist the words o’ ’nother blog post.

Highway to Hell ( revisited )

Music: “Dark Cave”, Pokémon Gold, Silver, & Crystal

A’least the secret exit is rather clever. Here we see the importance o’ being able to take Yoshi from level to level, which is usually considered bad design in Super Mario World hacks: some exits require it. You’d think that since the idea o’ being able to take Yoshi from level to level was so important that I’d do a better job o’ planning for the happenstance in other levels. You’d think since you’re definitely expected to take Yoshi into the room with the key that I wouldn’t put Balls ’n Chains in it with the magical powers to make Yoshi’s head & neck disappear.

Here’s also a case wherein SMW Central’s advice helped: originally the pipe to the keyhole room had brown blocks o’er it, requiring you to go & get the blue P-switch ’gain, double-carrying both it & the key. I wasn’t sure whether to go with this or not till SMW Central made the decision for me, telling me not to require such glitches. I agreed, & am glad, since it would’ve just made this exit excessively annoying.

( Note: you saw me double grab in the secret exit to “Caves that is Cool”, but it wasn’t required there, as you can just carry the blue P-switch o’er to the brown blocks & go back to get the key. Nowhere in LOTFS is double-grabbing required. )

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 32
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

World G: The Lost Woods

There’s quite a difficulty leap here. I remember 1 o’ the people who looked @ this hack @ SMW Central complained ’bout my hack getting too hard too quickly ’cause he played this section near the start — a lesson on the risks o’ giving the player a lot o’ control o’er what level they play next.

This world takes inspiration from “Forest of Illusion” in that it has many circuitous paths. Also, earlier on levels had a theme o’ having names that indicated how lost you were, like “Still lost…”. I found these level names to be too generic & gave mo’ indicative names.

Playing in the BG

Music: “Forest’”, Kirby’s Adventure

Welcome to the world o’ gimmicks, which reveals how late most o’ the forest levels were in development. Having run out o’ ways to make you carry P-switches from point A to B, I’d just read through SMW Central’s lists o’ patches, blocks, & RAM addresses for ideas, & that’s where this came in. I’m surprised I’ve ne’er seen these blocks used in any other hack; you could do so many mo’ interesting things with them than I did.

I thought I remembered being able to skip most o’ this level by just using the changing blocks themselves as platforms, but when playing it this time it didn’t seem to allow me to do that so much. I dunno, maybe I fixed that problem later on.

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 33
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Teresa’s Triathalon

Music: “Shade Man – Ghouls ’N Ghosts”, Mega Man 7 ( Based on 1st stage theme from Ghost ’N Goblins games )

Despite its name, this level actually doesn’t have much to do with racing, ’cept for maybe a few areas, but timing. I think I started with the idea o’ racing the Goomba disguised as a Boo, but found my ability to design levels round it limited, since if the distance ’tween you & the Boo is too great you’ll get hit; thus I found that timing ’tween the Boo being on wooden parts worked better for puzzles, but then didn’t bother changing this level’s theme to match that or e’en give it mo’ interesting graphics than vanilla Super Mario World’s usual ghost house graphics.

( Fun fact: I believe this level was originally “Ghosts ’n Goblins” & what is now called that was called “Teresa’s Revenge”. I also think that other level originally had a Boo boss, which made that level name actually make sense. )

Also, ironically, the level’s quite slow if you don’t cheat. I have no idea how I missed the fact that someone has ample room to just fly to the main goal without bothering with the long hopping & floating bullshit, but I can understand anyone who takes the faster route. Similarly, one may be better off just damage-boosting to the left to the key room rather than wait for that sluggish Boo to go all the way right & then all the way left. This was a case o’ me coming up with a clever idea, but 1 that wasn’t particularly fun.

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 34
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Orchid Orchard

Music: “Flower Garden”, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

This level name must be so late in development that I didn’t e’en expect it on this playthrough, though I recall the level itself exactly as it was ( though with a slightly better palette now ). I can’t e’en remember what ’twas originally called, though — ¿“Still lost…” maybe? I remember these forest levels originally had level names all talking ’bout how lost you were till I later decided those names were lazy.

Don’t have much else to say ’bout this level, though. Nothing in it is particularly surprising, though it doesn’t feel too ol’ hat, either. We see a variation o’ sorts on the “Some Igloo Level” Muncher puzzle wherein now you start going through with a star & then go back through with a newly-gained Yoshi so you can go back to a pipe near the start & tongue a P-switch out o’ some brown blocks. It’s ’nother instance o’ that ubiquitous blue P-switch, but a’least you don’t have to carry it anywhere. It’s basically just a way to ensure you have to have Yoshi.

Though I just realized that, with that aforementioned ability to take Yoshi into levels, & this level’s conspicuous lack o’ a no-Yoshi sign, one could simply enter the level already with a Yoshi & beat it with li’l effort. Great testing.

• P-Switch level count: 22 / 35
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Inferno Forest

Music: “Forest Frenzy’”, Donkey Kong Country

I don’t hardly remember e’er playing this level with Yoshi, despite the inevitability o’ beating “Orchid Orchard” with him, & doing so now makes the level much easier. In particular, the fact that Yoshi can walk on fire is somewhat funny — though I guess it’s no odder than the fact that Yoshi can just walk on Munchers. Usually I have a fire flower & accidentally sabotage myself by trying to spin jump off a Piranha Plant, only to kill it with a fireball & land right in the lava.

This level actually originated from a different, mo’ linear hack ( the secret exit was thrown in after I transfered it to LOTFS ), which used icegoom’s Super Mario World Redrawn graphics, which is why they’re used here for the level graphics. I think it works well with the Donkey Kong Country background & music. Mixing forest & fire is also a cool gimmick, though I don’t think I did ’nough with it.

The fire blocks is 1 case where I disagree with SMW Central’s advice, but caved in since I didn’t care that much & didn’t want something so trifling to get in the way o’ submission. They were originally ice blocks, but SMW Central said that didn’t make sense for a fire level. I always found it weird how much o’ sticklers they could be for “sense” in Mario games. It’s like how they complain ’bout floating Munchers, e’en though Mario games have had floating ? blocks fore’er. I always felt the fire blocks made less sense, ¿since shouldn’t fire blocks be mo’ resistant to fire? Then ’gain, I guess they’re kinda like the fire blocks in Wario Land 3.

• P-Switch level count: 22 / 36
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

The ’50s and ’60s ( 1st trip )

Music: “Hippie Battle’”, Earthbound Beginnings

As the info box says, his level requires 1,000 coins. Normally I’d show off how great “Pain in My Temple” is, but it turned out I already had 1,000 coins ( you just can’t see it thanks to zany 1-player Luigi glitches ), so it let me go through. If you didn’t have ’nough, an invisible wall would stop you.

Also note: you only have to pay the fee once, a’least till you reset, so don’t worry ’bout dying.

Not like it matters, since as this level shows, it’s a simple, easy level. It makes you wonder why the game e’en bothered to lock out Yoshi or power-ups. It seems this level hardly does anything but make everything grayscale. Big woop.

• P-Switch level count: 22 / 37
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Rope-Bee Trees

Music: “Forest Frenzy’”, Donkey Kong Country

For some reason I think the sound o’ the saws goes great with this music.

This is ’nother level that changed quite a bit from what I remember. I remember the secret exit had you follow a rope down to a pipe in the middle o’ the rope section, not @ the end. I guess I feared — or maybe SMW Central told me — that the secret exit was too obscure & required suicidal guessing.

Gotta love that rope that just hangs out down there, though.

I don’t know how I feel ’bout making you go back & forth for the secret exit here. On 1 side, it’s repetitive; on the other, a’least this is challenging, as opposed to “Teresa’s Triathalon”, which was just boring.

I love how the main path ( the room with the blue background ) has so many parts where you can trivially skip harder parts, but I take the harder parts due to my instinct to avoid skipping parts I want to show ( since it’s too easy for me to know how to skip parts, having played this hack millions o’ times ).

• P-Switch level count: 22 / 38
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Nose-Bleed Trees

Music: “Forest’”, Kirby’s Adventure

As this video shows, there’s a major glitch for the secret exit ( which is necessary to open the rest o’ the path to the green switch ) in that if you get the midway point & then die, you lose the “golden mushrooms” you collected & have to beat the normal exit & restart from the beginning.

While I like how big & explorative this level is, & like the on-&-off water gimmick’s gameplay, — though I wish I’d had the savvy to change the background in some way so that it actually looks like you’re underwater — I think this level has too much. ¿Did it truly need a blue P-switch just to get to the normal exit? ¿Did it truly need a Blue Yoshi to reach the secret exit, which already needs 5 golden mushrooms?

• P-Switch level count: 23 / 39
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 10
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

World H: The Sewers

Probably the most exotic level theme in this hack, other than the city theme in that not-truly-much-o’-a-world. I wish this hack had mo’ interesting level themes.

This is the only map to have custom graphics, though I didn’t do much with them. I always felt bad ’bout the blandness o’ the o’erworld’s graphics. 1 o’ the reasons I’d ne’er remake this hack is that I’d force myself to redraw the whole o’erworld, & that would take years.

Pipe Pollution

Music: “Underground ( Super Mario Bros. 3 )’”, Super Mario All-Stars ( same )

This is the 1 level where I’d say I did OK with the layer-2, ’specially the 2nd half. My only problem with it is the beginner’s trap near the end o’ the 1st area: there’s no way to know that you need to bring a shell ’head o’ you to make a vine ( if you don’t have a cape, a’least ), & the level kills you outright if you don’t have psychic powers.

Also, 1 flaw with the 2nd half is that I think it’s almost impossible during the downward portion if you’re big, ’less you’ve memorized the level, as you have to wait a li’l bit as the toxic sludge is going down to see where solid land is, but still have ’nough space ’bove to jump without diving head-1st into the sludge. Then ’gain, I guess you could duck when jumping; but it’d still be much harder, I’m sure. I dunno: I guess it’s not a huge problem. Still, a lesson: always test levels with multiple power-ups, which I definitely didn’t do.

• P-Switch level count: 23 / 40
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 10
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

Trash Pack Pipes

Music: “Underground ( Super Mario Bros. 3 )’”, Super Mario All-Stars ( same )

My only problem with the 1st half is the pointless & dickish silver P-switch, which, if you didn’t think to go on a detour, makes you restart the 1st half if you didn’t bring it to the end. I guess, to be fair, you can clearly see it up there @ the start, giving a huge hint that you’ll probably need it. ( ¿Does this game have any optional P-switches? I don’t think it does. )

In the original version o’ this level, the 1st half was the whole level; I later decided the level was too short, so I added the 2nd half. I’m glad I did, as I quite like it & its tricky jumps. I also like its graphics — the trash blocks from Wario Land 4 & the background from the GBA Garfield & His 9 Lives, o’ all things. I wish I’d used these graphics mo’, as the rest o’ this world looks a bit generic ( not helped by the proliferation o’ that clich&eactue; Mario underground music ).

My only problem with the 2nd half is the obvious mistake o’ having 2 midway points, 1 structure-less 1 right in front o’ the pipe & a normal 1 a few blocks afterward. I’m not sure what my thinking was there, but I’m sure ’twas a mistake. Maybe I thought having that white line just floating in front o’ the pipe, e’en for just a few seconds, was tacky & decided to just create a normal midway point, only to forget to get rid o’ the original.

What I find funny ’bout this footage is that I always found the 2nd half hard & usually died a lot in it; but in this playthrough, though I die in stupid ways in the 1st half, I make it through the 2nd half, 1st try, without getting hit @ all.

• P-Switch level count: 24 / 41
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 11
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

Climb of Clogginess

Music: “Underground ( Super Mario Bros. 3 )’”, Super Mario All-Stars ( same )

Not much to say ’bout this level. Other than the downward floating section @ the end ( which isn’t all that original, but a’least was ne’er done anywhere else in this hack ), it’s color by #s, “go somewhere to get P-switch, go back to use it to get past brown blocks / Munchers”.

I like how the Bullet Bills round the vines offer almost 0 threat, as the chances o’ them firing ’fore you pass them are thin.

• P-Switch level count: 25 / 42
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 12
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

Lab of ‘Difficulty’

Music: “Fight Against an Armed Boss’”, Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars

@ the time I liked parodying kaizo hacks, since I hated them & their proliferation @ the time ( remember, I started making this hack round 2007 ). It’s a joke that isn’t as relevant anymo’, since I don’t think kaizo hacks are as popular anymo’. Maybe if I’d retinkered it into parody o’ terrible Super Mario Maker levels…

I always liked the “puzzle” o’ this 1st room, as it does what I think good puzzles should do: challenges fallacious preconceptions. In this case, the puzzle is based on the idea inherent in Mario games that pipes always have the possibility o’ being transitions to other rooms, conflicted gainst the absurdity o’ re-entering a pipe you entered the level through. ¿But why should that pipe be an exception? It shouldn’t — & there lies the fallacy. It’s not a genius “puzzle”, though — “The Second Reality Project” had already done it back in, ¿what, 2002? Plus, the info box almost tells you, “Hey, go back into the pipe whence you entered”, e’en if hid ’hind a seemingly casual cliché line.

The rest o’ the level is mediocre to bad. The only high point is the cool palettes in the water section that e’en affect Mario & Luigi, which was a bigger pain than you might think ( Lunar Magic itself doesn’t let you give Mario & Luigi custom palettes for each level — a’least it didn’t when I made this ). ’Cept, as you can see, I fucked up, & Luigi temporarily becomes Mario for this section. Otherwise, the P-switch is pointless & the star makes the rest o’ the section pointless.

The 1st section is generic Thwomp dodging. I remember in an earlier version the part where you go upward was harder ’cause the camera refused to scroll upward. Not sure how I fixed it here.

& then there’s the smasher section. I only had that ’cause I for some reason felt bad ’bout not using the smashers a’least somewhere. The problem is, the smasher sections were ne’er good in Super Mario World & they can ne’er be good ’cause they’re slow & boring. Autoscrollers are, in general, boring-as-death levels & I’m glad they’re rare in this game. But this smasher section is terrible ’cause I didn’t time anything well, making it so that you have to already know the level well to avoid death as you need to jump before you can see where you need to jump to to avoid being smashed & knocked off platforms.

This boss is the worst. It’s e’en worse than just the Goomba in the 1st lab, since a’least that was a joke. Not only were Koopas already used for the better desert lab, I was so lazy & incompetent that I didn’t e’en recolor the blue Koopa so that their colors would match the actual Koopa Bros., e’en though it’d’ve been too easy to contemplate.

& then we have the dimwitted secret exit, which is just “notice coins ’bove hole & use that to indicate you can fall in”. Luckily, it just leads to ’nother useless Shroom level.

• P-Switch level count: 26 / 43
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 12
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

Shroom of Sewers

Music: “Underground ( Super Mario Bros. 3 )’”, Super Mario All-Stars ( same )

A’least the message is actually useful info this time.

The Green Switch

Music: “The Axem Rangers Drop In’”, Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars

I’d say this is the best Switch. While most are trivial “hop from block to block” with li’l thought to them, this feels like a coherent level with a coherent theme. I die a lot, but I still had fun doing the tricky jumps. I particularly like the subtle difficulty o’ the final jump.

I somewhat wonder if I should’ve made it a bit longer. Then ’gain, too long & this level would’ve been too frustrating.

I do like how I tried to give each Switch ( ’cept the Red Switch ) a theme: the Yellow being flying, the Blue being icy physics, & this 1 being bouncy blocks. I only wish the Yellow & Blue Switches did mo’ with their themes, ’specially the Blue Switch. I also wish the Red Switch weren’t utter garbage.

• P-Switch level count: 26 / 44
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 12
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

We’ve already hit all the Switches. Next is Bowser’s Castle, & then off to the postgame.

I think I need to take a break from saying stupid things ’bout programming languages my bipolar personality will probably make me love next month — Lambda Associates e’en guaranteed me — or… everything to do with politics.

So I’m going to go on a nostalgia cruise & read ol’ pages from SMBHQ; & what a better section to read than “Memories”. I fondly remember reading these pages when I was like 10 & had the flu & was blissfully unaware o’ Hairpieces or “racial realism”, when the only thing I knew ’bout Republicans was that they were the elephant, & when the only thing I knew ’bout Bob Dole was… actually, I still only know Bob Dole as the stick-figure avatar o’ the author o’ those sprite comics. ¿Who the hell is Bob Dole?

So, I went with “Week 25”, which the navigation assured me was “new”, as it has assured me since 2004 @ the latest. There’s definitely something new ’bout it, though: I ne’er remembered the starry purple background that looks like it belongs on Livejournal. It truly makes the Toad & dead Wart faces stand out, what with their backgrounds still being white rectangles & all. We still hadn’t developed the technology for transparency in GIFs back then… Well, I & many other had; but not a big site like SMBHQ.

But let’s not spend too much time on that. Let’s relive some memories:

My favorite memory from mario was beating super mario world for the first time. I was 6 and I had been playing all night it was 3 in the morning when I finnally hit bowser with the last koopa thing. When he died at the end I ran through the house screaming I finnally beat it.

Shakespearean — the lack o’ spelling consistency, I mean. As you can see, these were simpler times when beating a child’s game was actually considered exciting & teens danced by shifting their stiff bodies slightly & looking as bored as they possibly could. Ah, the 90s.

This is a good mario memory. After 1 year I finally beat paper mario. I got sooooo happy when I beat bowser. I was happy for the rest of the day. Thank you ninetendo for such a great game.

Thank you, um… Toad… for being such a sophisticated computer generated memory for the 90s.

Anyway, let’s skip the the good memories, ’cause they’re just a bunch o’ people talking ’bout beating a game everyone’s already beaten or getting some bourgeoisie toy from Burger King. Ah, ¿remember the days when I didn’t know anything ’bout the word “bourgeoisie” & my only conception o’ communists… Nope, I still think all communists are Boris & Natasha trying to bomb Rocky & Bullwinkle. That also hasn’t changed.

Also, ¿do you remember when you implanted that chip in my mind? ’Cause that’s the only way you could remember my private memories. I’m on to you.

Usually the weird memories are the best. Sometimes they’re just subtle glitches caused by fiddling the cartridge or dreams they had; but sometimes you’d get these crazy stories that are certainly made up, like 1 where someone s’posedly got a copy o’ Super Mario RPG wherein Mallow flipped off the player & said, “What the hell”, & the guy who sold the game was arrested — ’cause working @ a store that sold hacked games was a vital crime back then.

Sadly I didn’t find that in this “week”, but I did find 1 I had to add:

This is a weird memory! I was watching the Simpsons episode where Homer goes to clown college. Stuff happens in that episode, but in the end there is this guy who has an Italian accent. I enjoyed listening to it. Then it hit me, Mario speaks with an Italian accent too! So I started up a Mario collection. With more than 230 items it’s the largest Mario collection I know of. Mario trays, books, store displays, Mario movie action figures, dolls, food packages, cards, McDonald happy meal signs, candy, Pez dispensers, sheets, Japanese Mario Kart toys, French mustard glasses, video tapes of the Super Mario Bros. Super Show, and much, much more are seen covering more than half of my room. My friend wants me to start liking Star Wars like he does, but Mario is here to stay, and no one can stop that.

( Laugh. ) That’s some logical trail: “I saw some insignificant character on The Simpsons who had an Italian access & hereafter had a fetish for Italians, which is my primary reason for loving Mario”.

Also, ¿what the hell is a French mustard glass? ¿Do French people drink mustard? ¿Why don’t I get to drink mustard?

If anything, I’d say the bad memories were the strangest ones. The 1st was just some ho-hum story ’bout losing Smash Bros. to a suicidally depressed DK. But look @ this next 1:

Smart Tips For Finding Tips

“Go to GameFAQs”.

What the Expectations of SEO Services Should Be

“Expectation #1: Put random articles ’bout SEO in silly Mario fan site to improve SEO. Google just adores this kind o’ thing”.

Expectation #2 is, “Have your front-page story be a 5-year-ol’ bunk rumor ’bout Shigeru Miyamoto retiring”.

SEO is the acronym for search engine optimization. Search engine optimization can be utilized by a service provider to increase the number of website visitors. High ranking placements in the search results page ensures that this number is increased. Accessibility of a site to a search engine is ensured by this service. Also improved is the probability of the page being ranked highly by the search engine.

“thanks to crappy search engines, I only found dumb articles ’bout which programming language I should learn in 2015 in 2016 ’stead o’ how to find all the bonuses in “Oil Drum Alley”, so I ne’er 100% the game!!!!!”

One should look for a reputable company when choosing SEO agencies.

Like SMBHQ. Those paisanos will fireball any content Piranha Plants that clog the pipes leading straight to the top o’ Google.

The SEO Company that comes first by simply searching on the web is the best.

( Laughs. ) ¿What?

For this reason, for it to be the first to appear on the result page it must have performed highly.

Or they paid Google the most ’cause the 1st entries are ads.

The best need not to be ranked here it is important to note.

This is the kind o’ deep Buddhist koan that I had to ruminate o’er for hours. There’s just too much meaning.

( Laughs ). I’m sorry, I can’t get o’er how the rest o’ the sentences in this paragraph are all simple declarative statements that are all very similar in length.

SEO companies that cannot offer information should not be chosen.

It’s genius insights like these that made SMBHQ the world renowned experts o’ SEO.

Though this, um, “memory” goes on quite long, it ends only with a button asking me to read more. Hovering o’er said button makes said button spasm out.

The next memory, also by that real character, [email protected], starts with, um, “Study: My Understanding of Sites”…

“Reasons for Using WordPress.”

“What is laziness”. Now, I’ll take “Answers by the Mushroom King” for $200…

Perhaps you have always wanted to design a website but then you do not have the skills.

Unlike SMBHQ, which shows the highest quality o’ web design standards.

Do not worry as WordPress has got your back.

WordPress creepily watches you as you sleep.

As a business owner, you always need to consult with your web developer whenever you need to change or add details on your website.

1. I’m not a business owner; 2. ¿What relevance does this have with WordPress? ¿& what relevance does WordPress have to fucking Mario memories?

WordPress is easy to use and access.

“Easy to access” is a great quality for websites. “Awesome. I always wanted to tell hackers to come right in, make yourself @ home”.

With its various themes, you will be guided on how to go about it.

¿Go ’bout what? ¿Showing the whole world your tacky tastes in themes?

Before WordPress came, everyone had to deal with the developer even long after they are done with the web design, even to change the smallest details, one couldn’t do it on their own, so every time your called developer you had to pay them.

See, now we have 1 huge sentence that is truly just multiple sentences without proper periods.

WordPress was the 1st CMS to e’er exist, & the only hereafter. ’Twas the CMS that Adam used to post ’bout that weird fruit that his friend God told him to stay ’way from.

With WordPress created websites, they are accessible from any kind of screen or browser as long as you have proper internet connection.

Before WordPress, people had to have PhDs in computer engineering to get a simple web page full o’ ol’ game glitches to appear on their computer. WordPress truly revolutionized the internet.

WordPress, enables you to easily add so many plug-ins on your website as long as they don’t conflict.

“& in doing so, you will make your site grind to a halt on users computers so they won’t want to use it on any kind o’ screen or browser”.

These days most websites have a video or audio icon on them.

Just 1, though — this isn’t 2050 already; we still don’t have flying cars.

The link adding happens on your control panel.

I don’t know what I love most, the mysticism in the term “the link adding happens” or the fact that this is wrong. The “link adding” happens in the “post adding” section.

Most people look for websites that once they are done reading through your website or watching videos, they can then say something about it, you also feel nice getting feedback from your viewers.

I always feel nice when I get such deep comments as, “very best job prednisone tablets to reduce the likelihood of exposure of blood borne pathogens. Practice sites shall have estrace cream coupon exchange of selected faculty and residents. Individual private donations have been key phenergan use intranet or internet based resources. buy fluticasone online activities and assignments, students will build upon knowledge and skills developed in the first”

This means that website created using WordPress are more secure than any other website, always inquire from your developer whether they have WordPress software, and if they don’t recommend it to them.

Every web security expert starts cracking up laughing.

¿What “this”? You didn’t provide any “this”. You did nothing mo’ than that Flinstones storytelling device where you warp time to after the actual explanation, so you have just “…& that’s why I can ne’er be round children anymo’”.

With WordPress however, the software creates websites that are already optimized, either to Bing or Microsoft Network (MSN), so you do not have to worry that your website will not be seen by search engines.

This has nothing to do with security. Also, MSN isn’t a search engine. It’s owned by the same company that runs Bing.

People create websites so that they can be able to market their products, services or even themselves.

Well, they did say that sex was the primary resource online.

Allowing you to have eye catching headlines on your website or blog, WordPress has made it easy for people to become more curious with the headlines they get on your website.

WordPress also single-handedly invented the H1 tag.

Unlike other website software where you have to pay a developer to help you crack it, WordPress is absolutely free and comes with unlimited validity.

You can’t question the quality o’ a CMS that comes with “unlimited validity”.

Damn it, SMBHQ, I came here to forget ’bout web development. ¿Why you have to pick on me & trick me like that?

It’s like seeing a website that’s been neglected for years now beginning to be reclaimed by harsh mother nature, with these tacky blog posts as the weeds. SMBHQ is the Flint, Michigan o’ websites. ¿Where’s Michael Moore to make a documentary ’bout this truly pressing issue?

Join me next week as I revisit TMK & find out it’s been taken o’er by YouTube videos ’bout losing weight.

World C: Shroom City Mainland ( revisited )

3 mo’ levels from this disparate “world”.

Piranha Trap Pass ( revisited )

Music: “Overworld”, New Super Mario Bros.

As expected, the secret exit that clearly leads to that wide space on the left side o’ the map to the left is on the left side o’ the level.

Mo’ evidence that I redid this level @ a later time: I wisely got rid o’ the blue P-switch that was here before & just had the pipe open @ the end. Originally, the blue P-switch was where the fire flower now is in the cave section, on the far left side, a copy o’ a trick I use later, so ’twas redundant here. Similarly, the pipe @ the end used to have brown blocks round it, in a much less interesting copy o’ a few levels we’ve already seen.

As I show in the cave section, while I added an extra pipe to allow one to get back up, this only added a way to get stuck & be forced to start-select out or wait for the timer to kill them if they haven’t beaten the level yet. That pipe was added @ the behest o’ SMW Central back when the P-switch was still there as it made it impossible to beat the level if you made it past there without grabbing the P-switch & you didn’t have a cape. ’Course, since the P-switch is gone, there’s no reason to need to get back up anymo’, so it would’ve been better had I ne’er added that pipe @ all.

I have mixed views ’bout the main challenge o’ the part after the cave: though I like the way the tricky jumps don’t outright kill you if you fail, which is nice for an early level, the fact that you have to swim all the way back makes it almost worse. Also, the ease is a bit silly considering all the levels with plenty o’ bottomless pits round this level. If you can’t handle these simple jumps, I don’t know how you’d handle the level after the next — or the level before this 1.

• P-Switch level count: 14 / 22
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Totally Stoned

Music: “Marble Zone”, Sonic the Hedgehog

The name’s a joke my teenage self clearly thought was funnier than my current self.

Here’s a level that taught me a devious hack to trick people into thinking a level’s design is less boring that it truly is: spruce up the visuals. The level’s mainly just the same simple gimmick o’ breaking open clogged passages with Koopa shells, which I found rather boring. But I ’specially found the original graphics, which were just a typical tree BG from a few levels & the normal graphics found in many other levels in this hack, so I changed them into Sonic graphics to make it a’least look mo’ interesting. Now ’stead we have to deal with tacky cut-off thanks to the top o’ the grass being move-throughable.

’Course I also spruced up this level by cutting out a lot o’ the filler pap. I remember an earlier version had this long section where you had to go up some stone tower & dodge a bunch o’ Koopas to get a throw block, & then you had to race down so you could throw it @ a brick to pass through. Actually, I think just moderating that would’ve been better than cutting it out completely; might’ve made this level a bit mo’ interesting.

The layer-2 section is 1 o’ the least bad implementations I’ve done, ’specially thanks to the weird gravity-defying Spike Top.

I do like the final trick o’ the shell-kicking gimmick @ the end.

• P-Switch level count: 14 / 23
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Bootropolis

Music: “No Eating Crackers in the Theater”, Mother 3

O, this level. This is 1 o’ those levels that’s big, but quite a bit o’ it is irrelevant — a’least parts o’ the night section. One could also argue that this level falls into a bout o’ trying to do too much & not keeping focus. ¿What do Munchers on pipes have to do with a city haunted @ night? ¿& why would the pipes be high up in the sky? ¿Wouldn’t it make mo’ sense had I put it underground — specially since I don’t think there were any bottomless pits in the day portion, so it shouldn’t have conflicted with the upper portions. There’s also some copied parts: the whole “Disco Koopa chases you through spike blocks you have to navigate through” gimmick’s already used later, & here it’s easily made trivial by just rushing forward, not allowing the Disco Koopa to drop from its perch.

The dark half is also mixed in quality. On the good side there’s the death holes scattered in the formerly solid streets, emphasizing the uglier side o’ the haunted night section, as well as just how generally mo’ twisted the dark side looks; on the other, some parts are just jarringly off, like the big holes o’ nothing in many places, such as round the top, & the weird section with the weird white Piranha Plants with the spike holes that slowly kill you ( since you can’t jump out o’ them ). Also, I’ve noticed that Boo Carousels — whatever they’re called — aren’t truly challenging; they just waste your time.

Still, I have a bit o’ a tenderness for this level. The way the level changes @ night & the weird Muncher-infested pipelines in daytime have character, & while SMW Central complained ’bout the need to intentionally kill yourself to continue past the “Ghost Mushroom”, or whatever it’s s’posed to be ( while admitting that the infinite lives makes it less mean ), I still stand by it as clever & no harsher than some o’ the puzzles considered legitimate in other hacks. It’s basically a power-up filter that gives you some power-ups afterward, which is mo’ lenient than some hacks give you.

I’m surprised the puzzle I made for fighting the Boo boss hasn’t been done mo’. I’ve seen convoluted pipe mazes you have to kick shells through, but ne’er a straight race to hop up platforms with a throw block before it disappears. But as the video shows, mine was a bit mo’ lenient: there’s a Koopa that offers a’least 1 guaranteed hit; & technically one could get 1 o’ the many Koopas lower down, if desperate.

I should also probably ’splain the arrow coin pointing down next to that pipe in the 1st area:

That was a friendly li’l riff on SMW Central who kept complaining ’bout blind jumps in LOTFS. Sort o’ imagine some asshole hacker saying, “Uh O: better warn the player that it’s OK to fall down this long fall”. I’m not sure why I felt the need to tease them, since I’m sure I should’ve agreed with them — I’m certainly no fan o’ blind jumps, & they certainly don’t fit in LOTFS’s main mission o’ not being a bullshit kaizo hack.

Finally, I always hop off the side o’ the building as the Boo boss reaches the bottom o’ the screen ’pon dying, causing us both to plummet back to the bottom o’ the tower ( since the Boo boss doesn’t die till it goes off-screen, regardless o’ where the camera moves ), & was saddened when purplegoomba64 didn’t do it. ( Also, I forgot all ’bout that o’erworld glitch that happens afterward in that video. )

• P-Switch level count: 15 / 24
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 5
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 4

World F: Mt. Windsnow

Music: “Walking the Snowy Mountains”, Final Fantasy V

Earlier on, this world was much shorter: there was just “Mt. Windsnow”, “Caves that Is Cool”, “Celsius Lake” ( though as I’ll mention when I get to it, it changed immensely, too ), & the lab & switch levels. Feeling ’twas unfair to have this world so short, I lengthened it; now, ironically, it is probably 1 o’ the longest.

& the very original version, when ’twas called simply “JJW Game” & none o’ the levels were e’en made, it looked completely different:

Mt. Windsnow

Music: “Freeze Man Stage – Iceberg Area”, Mega Man 7

A simple but challenging romp that I actually had fun playing. It helps that I wasn’t as familiar with this level as most o’ the others, so it actually felt fresh. I particularly like the part near the end where you have to walk down staircases with spikes, something that’d be trivially easy if not for the ground being slippery.

You can tell I changed this late in development by the use o’ quite a few custom sprites. For some reason I hardly e’er used custom sprites. It’s not that I found them hard to use; I just ne’er thought ’bout it for some reason.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to tell players to use Birdo’s egg to continue through the level; ’twas a trick ripped straight off from Super Mario Bros. 2, & that game didn’t have to tell players what was an obvious use.

• P-Switch level count: 15 / 25
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 5
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 4

Caves that Is Cold

Music: “Blizzard Buffalo”, Mega Man X3

I’m thoroughly satisfied with the 1st half, which was also spruced up late in development. The level design was simply tightened up, with the P-switch run actually being timed so that there’s some challenge, & not just me trying to guess when would be the right time to end it; but the true improvement are the foggy graphics. The original version was just a bland blue cave.

The 2nd part is still lame. I think I tried to shorten the raft section from the original version, but it’s still a slow-ass raft. I ’specially love the bat that’s pointless, since it’ll always flutter below you as your raft rises. I think the keyhole secret was the only reason I kept the raft section.

The blue P-switch is useless. Yeah, it challenges you to realize you can go left sometimes; but that’s it. Also, this level reuses the “go to end to get switch so you can race back to a pipe near the beginning” gimmick already used back in “Basidio Bridge” & “Dark Desert”.

• P-Switch level count: 16 / 26
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 6
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 5

Celsius Lake

Music: “Underwater Tunnels”, Wario Land II

A nice bonus level that’s hardly challenging @ all. There’s not e’en much to say other than to point out how sparse this level looks ( the background’s just some Game Boy style kelp ) & how lazy I was that I couldn’t e’en make whatever it is that’s keeping you from freezing to death not blue mushrooms — ’cause it makes sense that blue mushrooms warm you up. Also, ¿why’d I let the bar go red when you’re close to freezing? Should be the opposite.

Originally, there was a different level here: 1 where you had to hop on dolphins hopping o’er deadly water, with some sections in which deadly water ( purple ) & safe water ( cyan ) jarringly stood right ’side each other. It sucked hard, which was why ’twas replaced. Just wanted to remind you that as weak as these levels may be, there were far worse before.

• P-Switch level count: 17 / 27
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 6
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 5

Shroom of Shivers

Music: “Freeze Man Stage – Iceberg Area”, Mega Man 7

I may be misremembering, ¿but wasn’t the secret sea world already hinted @ in ’nother “Shroom” level? God, these levels are so repetitive, I couldn’t e’en stop myself from repeating messages, ¿could I?

Hotel Baltic Ave.

Music: “Fortress”, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

Not long after the long “Bootropolis” we have ’nother long level.

This level has a history. When I was making it I had grand plans that this would be my “magnum opus”, a’least for this hack. I think I was watching raocow play The Second Reality Project 2 & was champing @ the bit a bit @ how nice it looked, so I decided to make a super snazzy looking level that uses 6 whole graphics “banks” all for itself. I certainly think it still looks nice, since it uses graphics from Wario Land 4, which looks great. I only wish I could’ve done mo’ with the outside graphics. I also wish I’d had any talent with porting music & could’ve made a port o’ “Crescent Moon Village”.

That said, I think the level fails to keep up with my expectations. The 1st problem is that my expectations were high: I wanted this to be some huge, nonlinear level full o’ secrets & exploration — something close to “Hotel Horror”¹, which is where these graphics originate. But as you can see, it’s quite linear, actually: there’s just a bunch o’ rooms with short puzzles to get 1 out o’ 4 topaz quarters, or whatever they’re s’posed to be, to get through the door to the midway point, with a few pointless rooms with power-ups & coins. I dunno, I feel like I could’ve done mo’ with the different floors.

Worse, this level’s imbalanced: after the midway point you have a long ice area that, as the video shows, is literally just a troll job — a self-inflicted jab @ my o’eruse o’ “take item @ point A to point B to get item to unlock point C, etc.” All you get for completing it is a fire flower… which you need to start the puzzle. & after that you have a short hallway with the cheapest Fishing Boo e’er ( I swear in 1 o’ those deaths in the video the flame just warps to where Luigi is ), & then a short climb upward. What we had for a exploratory level turns into pure linear, color by #s level design.

But the absolute worst is the secret exit. You have to go through the whole 1st half ’gain, & then you just go left in the hallway with the Fishing Boo. That room has no challenge & the puzzle was done in a much funnier manner in Brutal Mario. ¿Why bother with the secret exit when ’twas so clearly thrown in & just makes the level mo’ repetitive & annoying? ’Cause this was my magnum opus & ’course there needed to be a secret exit, e’en if it serves no purpose.

If the secret exit were gone, it wouldn’t be too bad, though. I guess some o’ the puzzles are clever, like Yoshi-jumping bridge-building or that secretly challenging room with the Chargin’ Chucks… or a’least they would be clever if you couldn’t mow through them with a cape, as the video shows later on — a cape you’re pretty much guaranteed to have since the level gives it to you & you need it to reach the switch.

• P-Switch level count: 18 / 28
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 7
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Some Igloo Level

Music: “Blizzard Buffalo”, Mega Man X3

See, this 1’s almost the opposite: it has much cleverer level design, but banal graphics. A’least it’s secret exit is something different.

Just a few points to say ’bout this level:

• That midway point is hilariously devious — though not in a particularly punishing way, since there’s a fire flower right there.

• I don’t demo it, but the purple water is instant-death. Probably should’ve put a message box warning ’bout that. Funny, since I read a SMW Central person complain ’bout “Highway to Hell” not warning ’bout its deathly water, e’en though there is a message box telling you exactly that in that level, but didn’t say anything ’bout this level.

• I don’t know why getting in that passage to the keyhole is so hard while big.

• I probably should’ve shown off where the vine area leads ( ¿why are there vines in an igloo? ), but I’m sure it just leads to a power-up — a power-up not worth the effort to get. I wasn’t great @ balancing challenges & corresponding rewards.

• I like the last puzzle, the way it challenges you to do platforming to get through the Muncher patch @ 1st, but lets you easily run o’er it with the star. I generally like sections you go back & forth through, but in a different way ( such as that 1st “Dead Shallows” section ).

• P-Switch level count: 19 / 29
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 8
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Holy Shit It’s Cold

Music: “Freeze Man Stage – Iceberg Area”, Mega Man 7 / “Hot Head Bop”, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest

This was the place I was talking ’bout when I mentioned saving my swear words for someplace special.

But the funniest thing is, as purplegoomba64 mentions, this is probably the worst level to have this name, since it isn’t that cold: ¡half o’ it is a molten volcano! The whole gimmick is that it goes back & forth through ice & lava, àla “Hailfire Peaks”.

I don’t like this level. It’s not terrible; it’s just lame. There’s not much to the switch ’tween the 2 types: sometimes lava turns to water & sometimes ice cubes melt. You have to go through the 1st section in both versions, & it hardly changes ’tween them, making it repetitive.

Also, the use o’ the P-switch here has to be the worst in this entire game. Not only is it a copy o’ the “go backward to find it hiding in a corner”, but it makes you wait right after the brown blocks you turn to coins so that a brown block you do need to use as a platform turns back to a brown block. I guess the idea was to challenge the player not to go too fast & grab the coin, but that’s stupid. Worse, it’s a tricky jump that’s easy to fail, forcing you to go through all that ’gain.

The graphics also look like shit: brown Donkey Kong Country mountain background looks tacky. The various clouds @ the top look stupid & are pointless. In general, the level looks thrown together — like that pipe that’s just there in the middle o’ nowhere in the lava version o’ the 1st section. I guess it’s s’posed to be hard to notice, since you need to go into it to beat the level, but it just looks lazily designed.

The lava version is particularly worse, & it takes up more o’ the level than the ice section, e’en though this is an ice world. I don’t know — this level just feels wrong. It irks me. Let’s speak o’ it no mo’.

• P-Switch level count: 20 / 30
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Lab of Blizzards

Music: “Hunffin’ and Puffin’”, Paper Mario

Here’s a much better level. It’s definitely the best lab level, with the best boss.

If I remember correctly, originally this level was just the 1st half, which I found trivially easy for where ’twas placed, so I added a 2nd half. This half, in contrast, has quite a ridiculously hard jump o’er instant-death… ¿cold lava? I don’t know what that’s s’posed to be.

Also, I think the cracked frozen lava edges in the 1st half are @ the behest o’ SMW Central, who are infamous for hating cut-off. Can’t complain ’bout the decision; cut-off is tacky.

The boss is the only good 1, since it’s an actual clever puzzle, & it’s not just a Goomba or a bunch o’ Koopas. The only problem is you have to be careful, ’cause if you lose all fire flowers, you’re screwed.

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 31
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

The Blue Switch

Music: “The Axem Rangers Drop In’”, Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars

This level, meanwhile, is too easy ( e’en if I die a bunch in the video ). Most o’ the switches in this game feel anticlimactic; this 1 could’ve had much mo’ depth.

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 32
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

We’re already halfway through all this game’s levels & have only 1 mo’ switch to hit.

Nothing says smarmy pseudointellectualist like naming your website Château Heartiste. If you look @ the “about” page, you’ll see it’s ’bout… ¿some artsy vector cartoon o’ 2 incredibly bored-looking people leaning into each other o’er a couch, ’bout to kiss? After that there’s just a contact form. “About” != “contact”.

Worst: I had to manually type out the carat A in the website name ’cause I couldn’t find the footer bar. I’ve now found it on the navigation bar. You clearly just used some WordPress theme & you still fucked up by picking 1 o’ the most asinine you could.

Anyway, the post we’re looking @ is, “Single White Women Want To Spread Their Legs For The World”, which is presumably ’bout my favorite porno wherein Lucy jams globes into her vagina.

Psyche. This is a super serious intellectual piece ’bout… fuck if I know. Pretending to be intelligent, obviously.

What other conclusion are we to draw when the voting behavior and opinions of single White women corroborates exactly what this post’s title asserts?

Please tell me this guy isn’t trying to claim that white women voted for Hairpiece ’cause they want a piece o’ his… hair… Ugh. I’ll just boil myself in acid for a few hours now.

From Bigly E, another id-buster post that reveals a leetle too much about the vagoconductive currents that emanate from single White women’s hindbrains.

Considering half o’ these words you made up, I doubt it reveals anything.

He next shows an immensely relevant graph o’ demographics for opinions on Trump’s brilliant plan for keeping out immigrants, borrowed from that apex o’ technological advancement known as ancient China. These demographics are, indeed, embarrassing, as they show that a li’l ’bove the majority realize how dumb a plan it is & that the majority o’ 3 mutually exclusive groups, “whites”, “all men”, & “married men” are dumb ’nough to think it will work. This only proves that white men are truly the least racist, ’cause only someone so ignorant o’ racism that they ne’er heard the popular slur gainst immigrants — “wetback” — could think that a purely land-based wall would be an unstoppable block to immigrants.

Single white women are more opposed to a big, beautiful wall than Asians, blacks, or even Hispanics are.

& here we see white men smashing that ol’ stereotype that only women are ditzes who love frivolous things simply for beauty, regardless o’ substance.

*twatpalm*

Either these statistics or the sexiness o’ Hairpiece’s wall made Heartiste stick his hand straight into his vagina & slobber with pleasure. Great.

Single White women are, presumably…

No, I’m going to stop you there before you make up some totally valid, unquestionable sociological analyses from the venerable source o’ science known as your rectum.

Hey, you know, this is clearly going to judge white women for not liking pretty walls that don’t do anything; but the polls show that blacks & latinos hate it almost just as much. ¿Why isn’t this post called “Blacks, Latinos, & White Women Want to Spread Their Legs for the World”? I expected mo’ cultural sensitivity from a man like you.

…for those of them…

Fuck, no, I didn’t say you should continue. ¡Stop!

…who still have a bit of bloom on the rose…

Stop plagiarizing shitty Irish poetry & get serious now.

…actively trawling the sexual market for cad and cavalier…

That is, indeed, odd. I would expect sex.

Thus, they are in their stage of life when all faculties, mental, emotional, libidinal, are focused to a pinpoint of estrogenic vitality, with the familiar shit-testing behavioral profile that vitality presupposes.

See, when I mix fancy words & words like “shit”, I’m trying to be funny, ’cause I’m obviously aware that nobody can take “estrogenic vitality” & “shit-testing” in the same sentence seriously.

This means, single White women are limbically primed to be aroused by dominance and a ZFG attitude in men…

See, this is what people rightfully make fun o’ bearded white men for doing: arm-chair psychoanalysis that’s half based on made-up concepts. It’s just there so the author can smugly tip their dumbass hipster hat & say, “You just don’t get it, man”. But I do get it: it’s cliche science fiction. I read this exact thing in Dark Moon Mirage, that “#1 thriller” that I bought from my local drugstore — you can’t fool me, “Heartiste”.

…and those men who fall short in these traits are dumped into the beta orbiter/friendzone with a quickness, when they aren’t rejected outright

You know white men — sorry, I mean White men, ’cause we’re back in the 19th century, — have it bad when their biggest fear is, DUM DUM DUM, The Friendzone. I don’t know what he’s complaining ’bout: the friendzone sounds like a wicked fun place to be. I bet they have pizza & arcades 24 / 7. Certainly sounds better than some stupid fucking wall in the desert.

The dumping can be literal, or metaphorical, as in a political friendzoning that weakens the electoral power of White men.

“I talk ’bout this in my science fiction novel wherein the Friendzos invade earth & subjugate the US under their tentacle powers”.

As a social phenomenon, a large chunk of America’s White men have spectacularly failed the dominance/ZFG test.

Well, in my defense, I ne’er e’en took the test. ’Cause it doesn’t fucking exist.

America the Shitlib Feminist Shrike…

Stop, stop. Go back to a thesaurus & learn words that aren’t inherently silly & then maybe I’ll take your pseudoscience seriously.

…has effectively neutered White men…

Awesome. Now I get to fuck as much as I want without worrying ’bout popping out some brats.

and unmasked them for romantically unappealing doormats to single White women.

The greatest crime o’ White women is finding out the secret that white dorks who spend hours o’ their time typing reams o’ pseudointellectual slop online might in fact be unappealing. I’ll ne’er know how they cracked that secret.

As women are wont by the essence of their sex to spread their legs for the dominant tribe’s men…

Sorry, ¿did I say we were stuck in the 19th century? I meant 19th century BC.

Also, wouldn’t the “dominant tribe’s men” be the people in charge — i.e. Hairpiece & his circus. Looks pretty white to me.

…they will wish…

But they don’t do so yet, since that would require this author to not write in the most hilariously pretentious way possible. Here’s a word you probably don’t know, but should probably learn: “hypercorrection”.

…to see tribal battles play out…

See, the slight problem with this guy’s “research” is that it’s based entirely on his ’bouts o’ furious fapping to his favorite episodes o’ Xena: Warrior Princess.

…so that they may enjoy the luxury of choosing winners and their winning seed.

¿Can I add a South-Park-like warning that blinks the words, “This isn’t made up. These people actually believe this”. Now I see why Hairpiece is so nonchalant ’bout climate change; if I had to hang out with these idiots all the time, I’d wish for the whole world to drown, too.

The single White woman desire for open borders is nothing less than a desire for alpha male interlopers to test the mettle of their betatized male loafers.

I take back what I said gainst those Lisp-using racists ( all 1 o’ them ): a’least they were entertaining. This idiot just makes me want to fall asleep.

A massive civilizational shit test, if you will.

No thanks — but I can clearly see you’re passing with gold stars.

For this reason, it was always a mistake to entrust the nation’s future to its native daughters…

Damn. Well I guess voting for Pocahontas for the last election was stupid after all.

…especially while in their pulchritudinous primes.

Stop plagiarizing Lovecraft.

Women are more xenophilic than men…

I think all those ads I see on Pirate Bay & Zoom V — whatever his stupid name was — tell a different story.

…and this difference goes deep, all the way to the Darwinian pulses…

Made up by someone who’s ne’er read Darwin.

Heartiste goes on to throw out his listicle o’ solutions to the serious political problem o’ his bitterness o’er some women he liked preferring a black guy o’er him ’cause the black guy doesn’t actively make her brain melt with subliterary tripe like “pulchritudinous primes”. None o’ these will actually be put into place, ’course, ’cause Hairpiece is too cynical to care & too incompetent to get anything done, anyway, & ’cause the brunt o’ Heartiste’s political strategy is wishful thinking & sending his bored fans to roam Twitter calling random women fat. In that spirit, most o’ these goals are totalitarian & could only be enjoyed by the kind o’ people with absolutely no individualist self-respect. So, they’re basically what laissez-faire libertarians strawman socialists as being — ’cept on the right wing. Maybe if you guys actually cared ’bout individualism you’d spend mo’ time attacking these guys & less people who raise tax — O, ¿who am I kidding? These guys liked Pinochet. They don’t give a shit ’bout anything but money.

I welcome further suggestions from the commentariat.

Suggestion #1: don’t use stupid words like “commentariat”.

An “overfeed the beast” strategy that I sometimes see entertained by crueler elements in the Exasperated-Right won’t work…

I think he’s confusing politics with the lingering plotline o’ Johnny the Homocidal Maniac. “Listen to that Pillsbury Doughboy, Johnny: trying to keep the wall painted with the blood o’ your victims is futile…”

…if you dump millions of Dirt World trashkin into single White women playgrounds…

Woah, woah, woah. I was joking before, but I seriously want you to stay ’way from li’l white girl playgrounds — I don’t care how many bootleg Pokémon you have in your long, black jacket.

…all that will accomplish is an increase in the murder, rape… and miscegenation rates.

Well, yeah: I guess it makes sense that after you rape & murder all the li’l white girls you’ll have to go after the dirty ethnics. Now I see why it’s so vital for white women to keep their fertility so high: ¡they have a huge murder spree this maniac has planned for them to outpace!

The bleeding heart politics of these dumb bunnies won’t move an iota.

( Laughs. ) You have all these obtuse, pretentious labels that are basically just “poopy head”, & then you have “dumb bunnies”. “Shit: my thesaurus ran out. Ah, fuck it: nobody not lobotomized’ll read past this part, anyway”.

No, the way forward is for White men to retake control of their homeland and scoff at the precious political boilerplate their women solipsistically indulge.

“The plan is for uppercase white men to take absolute control from the majority through the magic o’ saying bad things gainst them”. Shit, if that worked, I should be Dictator for Life already. I love how these idiots who clearly weren’t paying attention to politics for decades happen to barely luck into having their favored politician win once & they think that means they have the right to be kings. That’s why the Supreme Court was able to block parts o’ your master Hairpiece’s dumbass travel ban, despite his magic powers. You know someone has the most childish conception o’ politics — & should probably save their words for something they actually know something ’bout — when they think the president o’ the US is the supreme ruler o’ the country. “Duh, ¿what’s the branches o’ government? I ne’er went to middle school…”

Then ‘gain, when a guy who thinks, “People who disagree with me are dumb bunnies”, tells me I have to support it, I have to.

I can tell you…

Yes, you’ve shown your ability to tell a lot, & I’m sad for it every time.

…that if we refuse to tackle our shared single White women problem…

“¡We must bomb those filthy Mormons in Utah!”

…the nonWhite…

¡Nope! ¡I’m done! I tolerated a lot; but I fucking rage quit @ camel-case races. The fact that any alt-right douche has the fucking gall to accuse me o’ being an “SJW” when this pretentious shit goes on in their fucking lawn is laughable.

But Now the Greatest Hits

The page below “About” is “Alpha Assessment Submission”. Presumable “alpha” refers to a male’s intellectual development, with “alpha” being the Big Riggs Over the Road kind o’ mind, while filthy Betas are those who have figured out how to make the other truck move.

Submit in the comments below conversations in the form of texts/phone calls/voicemails/face to face interactions that you have had, or plan to have, with women you are attempting to bed.

“Send me your private info so I can jerk off to it”.

I love how he can spell look up how to spell pulchritudinous, but he can’t get “face-to-face” right.

I can bet that these comments are 100% true & not fantasy trips by insecure egotists.

For instance, let’s look @ some o’ the lines o’ the top comment, from a guy whose icon represents what he probably is in real life: a Commodore-64-era dick.

I’m too badass to be a mere bf.

“…I said as I drew my Dragon Ball Z pictures in 6th grade”.

That’s a label, and I don’t think we’re the type of people who are given to labeling ourselves.

What I love most ’bout the alt-right is that they mix the worst o’ both the left & the right: pretentious douchebaggery & bigotry; the intellectual rot o’ cowboy conservatives & the frivilousness o’ rich liberals. It’s like science finally engineered the least likeable people in the universe.

Her: Hmm, I’m not sure I understand, but if what you’re trying to say is that you don’t want to be tied down, that’s ok because you can do what you want and so can I. = )

Me ( 6 hours later ) : Hey, guess what I overheard the hairdresser telling her girlfriend about me?

Her ( immediately ) : What? ( etc. etc. )

That’s literally how it ends. What a badass ending — right up there with Gohan finally defeating Cell.

If you enjoy the feeling o’ having your dick ripped off & having it slapped gainst your face… No, I still wouldn’t recommend reading mo’. & if you’re a woman, well, imagine how much worse it must feel to have an imaginary dick ripped off & slapped gainst your face. It’s not e’en your own dick. ¿Whose dick is it? I don’t want some other fucker’s dick gainst my face — I don’t know where it’s been.

Next I have “Beta of the Year Award”, after this shitty WordPress theme takes a million years to load. I expected it to be an “Hour o’ Hate” for prominent feminists or whatever online, but ’stead found it to be a place for people to bitch ’bout rappers they don’t like anymo’. Next.

Then you get “Dating Market Value Tests” — a pretentious way to say, “How Good You Are @ Being a Prostitute” — for both men & women, which is proof that Heartiste has the apex o’ gender-equality beliefs. Unsurprisingly, these are just the writer throwing out his particular tastes in men & women as if they were scientific fact, ‘cept without that vital element o’ science known as “evidence”. In truth, you should get -1,000,000 points if you’re pathetic ‘nough to take dating advice as law from some random nobody on the internet, ‘specially when that writer is so professional that their top posts have such titles as “Penis Size Around the World”, “The Sixteen Commandments of Poon” & “Li’l Asian, Tight Pussy” ( my other favorite porno ). It’s like the guy’s screaming to the world ’bout how much he wishes he was the next George Carlin with all these edgy titles, yo, ‘cept without anything resembling the cleverness, originality, or charm that made Carlin actually interesting. Also, it’s 2017 & nobody ‘bove the age o’ 15 reacts with anything but embarassment @ these clunky titles.

Also, ¿what’s up with the occupation scores? ¿“Struggling web designer”? Well, yeah, I can imagine being a struggling anything would be unimpressive; ¿why is “web designer emphasized? ¿& where’s the score for someone who’s a well-off web designer? ¿How will Andy Clarke know his potential for getting some prodigious fucks? ¿Is this our grand Heartiste revealing a bit mo’ ’bout himself than he meant to? ( As if the clunky WordPress theme weren’t ‘nough. )

Worst, Heartiste gives up the chance to make silly obviously-wrong answers. For his “In the middle of the conversation you have to pee” question, which apparently enraged Commodore-64-Penis Man in teaching young men not to tell women everything ’bout their juicy bladder needs — which is, indeed, sexy & the best way to connect pipes — he could’ve added an answer, “Raise your hand & go, ‘Ooo ooo. ¿Can I pretty please use the bathroom’? I have to go reaaaally bad”. I’m disgusted by your lack o’ fun ‘bove all else.

Also, I heavily disagree with some o’ his points. For instance, “I’m thirsty. Are you thirsty? Let’s go inside and taste DC’s finest tap water. But you can only stay for a minute, I have to get up early” definitely shouldn’t get points, ’cause that’s a shitty pick-up line — ‘specially if you’re 1 o’ the vast majority o’ people who aren’t in Washington D.C.

I also love how in his woman test, 15 – 16 year ol’s get a higher score than people in their upper 20s. Turns out my joke ’bout him being a pedophile isn’t all that wrong. That’s unfortunate.

The women test is also hilariously wrong & obviously tends purely toward the fantasies o’ an insecure man rather than resembling anything close to real human behavior. Apparently women who have won several sports trophies have the worst time getting dates.

It’s obviously mo’ a sad case o’ someone trying to encourage other people to act the way he wants them to do than anything resembling true advice.

Next we have “Diversity + Proximity = War” which only reminds me o’ my favorite anonymous sprite comic critic. “¿What the hell? Diversity + Proximity = Shitty”. This time the author actually does have studies — a bunch o’ links to studies with summaries & no analysis deeper than that. I’d be surprised if the author e’en read them all & didn’t just get them as hand-me-downs from some other white-supremacy site. Meanwhile, that fucking dork Noah Smith actually bothered to do mo’ commentary on much o’ the studies, & shockingly ‘nough, the results are mo’ questionable. Still, Heartiste deserves points for going a li’l ‘bove the usual standards.

“Shit Cuckservatives Say”, meanwhile, is a quick return to rock-bottom standards, with a regurgitation o’ a meme that was ne’er funny to begin with. Alt-righters in their deep narcissism & lack o’ political knowledge seem blithely ignorant o’ the fact that they’re the weird ones in the right wing, not those lame ol’ conservatives who are too busy for that childish Pepe shit, “God damn it, when I was your age I was walking 8 miles in the snow everyday to some coal mines to work for 16 hours a day, & now you hipsters are meming up my Republican Party, ¿what’s going on in this world anymo’?”

This post is just a bunch o’ quotes that I’m s’posed to think are stupid, e’en though Heartiste doesn’t bother to ‘splain why, ’cause he’s so narcissistic that he can’t imagine needing to actually convince anyone anything. That’s great ’cause it means he won’t e’er have any influence on anyone: either they’ll already nod their heads or they’ll leave in bewilderment or annoyance. Either way, nobody’s mind’s changed, & thus there’s no point, since there’s certainly nothing inherently funny ’bout “Unions destroyed Detroit”. ¿Is Heartiste 1 o’ those “Realist Left” who think capitalism is a conspiracy by the illuminati to make black & white people put dicks in each other’s bums & lick each other’s tears? ‘Cause if that were true, I’d definitely support capitalism, ’cause that sounds immensely sexy. ¿Or is he 1 o’ those people who thinks talk o’ economics @ all is a Marxist conspiracy & that obviously Detroit was ruined by those whorish bitches who won’t sleep with me :(. Heartiste, you need to ‘splain your views in mo’ detail so I know what kind o’ crazy racist you are — there’s all kinds o’ flavors.

I made the mistake o’ looking @ the last page, that famous treatise, “The Sixteen Commandments Of Poon”, that’ll surely put Heartiste right up into the echelons o’ Aristotle, Sun Tzu, Hume, J. S. Mills, & Baldwin, & regretted it. Most o’ it’s a guide on how to act like a child in reaction to children — clearly the only women Heartiste has e’er encountered, judging by how he thinks relationships work. Tip to Heartiste that he’ll definitely take to heart: you attract people like yourself. I’d stop to take a look round the kind o’ people you find yourself surrounded by & then take a longer look in the mirror ‘fore it’s too late & you end up like Hairpiece, wishing for the floods to come.

The last thing I don’t get is the sidebar labeled “Chaos”, which links such prominent alt-right websites as “Stuff White People Like”. I’m not sure if this guy doesn’t get irony or… doesn’t get irony & failed to do so here. “Chaos” seems to be 1 o’ those words infantile men throw round so they can feel like Nero from the Matrix — the “manly” version o’ “epic”. Like with “epic”, it just makes you look laughable. I’m guessing these 5 sites that are the true representation o’ leftism is meant to be a slag gainst leftists, since they are, indeed, inane.

1 odd part ’bout the Yellow Switch is that, ’cept for the 1st level, it’s much easier to get than the Red Switch, e’en though my “canonical” sequence ( & as I mentioned in the intro, once a mandatory sequence till I came to my senses ) had the Red Switch before the Yellow Switch ( hence why I do so here ).

Adding this to the fact that the Yellow Switch opens access to mushroom-producing Yellow Switch blocks makes me recommend doing the Yellow Switch before the Red Switch for beginners ( well, other than recommending not playing this dreck @ all ).

World C: Shroom City Mainland ( revisited )

We still won’t be here for too long…

Highway to Hell ( 1st trip )

Music: “Dark Cave”, Pokémon Gold, Silver, & Crystal

This name isn’t an exaggeration: this level is a pain in the ass — & I only did the 1st exit.

I’m not sure whether to think the 1st pipe structure is clever or stupid: as the video shows, it leads you into thinking it’ll be some convoluted maze, only for most o’ its contents to be useless & that you’re actually s’posed to just go o’er it. E’en better — spoilers — 1 half o’ the secret exit actually is hidden in there, which only pulls the rug back under your feet after pulling it.

On the other hand, the path ’bove the pipe “maze” is just a boring straight path with a few Bob-Ombs you might get hurt by if you’re not paying attention out o’ pure impatience.

The part just after the midway point is quite dickish: it leads you to think you’re s’posed to use the springboard to get o’er the pipe wall, but as the video shows, you’ll want to use the convenient invisible blocks ’long the side. ’Less you’re good @ aiming your cape flight ( & you still have your cape ), you’ll need the springboard for later.

The 2nd hub doesn’t have much: mostly filler enemies round pipes that lead to different areas. There’s only 1 point o’ interest, but that’s for our next visit.

1 point o’ historical interest: I thought I remembered the 1st pipe leading back to the exit pipe in the 1st hub. I’m not sure if I took it out ’cause I thought ’twas useless & just an annoying beginner’s trap or if I’m just misremembering. Considering the bewildering ( & sad ) ’mount o’ stuff I do remember ’bout this dumb game, probably the former.

The next room you’re s’posed to go to is just a clusterfuck o’ enemies; but as I demonstrate when I finally beat it, you can clear out most o’ that cluster by kicking the shell o’ 1 o’ the Koopas @ the beginning. I actually kinda like it: it reminds me o’ an original Super Mario Bros. level.

’Course, as the video also shows, in order to get back o’er the wall in the 1st hub — back to that tantalizing floor o’ brown blocks covering the pipe, if you remember — you need a cape; so if you lost it, like I did, you have to go back into the 2nd hub & find a new 1 while keeping ’live & keeping the P-switch. If you die, you have to get both the P-switch & the cape all o’er ’gain.

I have mixed views on this level. It’s a pain in the ass; but you have to admit it’s a clever use o’ tools. It’s just way too early in the game. This is the kind o’ deviousness that should be reserved for a latter area — possibly as a bonus. Worst, it’s a huge bottleneck for the game. All the switches but the Red Switch require you to beat this level, 2 the normal exit, 1 the secret exit. That’s what makes the level particularly assholish.

Other than that, the 1 problem is that some areas, like the toxic water areas & the Piranha Plant area ( which we don’t see yet ) are fillerish: mostly many tiny jumps o’er death pits.

• P-Switch level count: 10 / 15
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 3
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Piranha Trap Pass ( 1st trip )

Music: “Overworld”, New Super Mario Bros.

Interestingly ’nough, “Highway to Hell” & “Piranha Trap Pass” are the 2 main gatekeepers to the rest o’ the game. “Highway to Hell” guards all but the Red Switch ’hind its normal & secret exits while “Piranha Trap Pass” guards the Yellow & Blue Switches ’hind “Highway”’s normal exit. Luckily, “Piranha Trap Pass” is much easier.

’Course, as the video shows, this level trolls the player a bit — as we’ll see I liked to do a lot. Tricking the player into Koopa hopping o’er Muncher pits when they’re truly s’posed to go left & bring a silver P-switch is ’specially silly considering the following levels will actually demand enemy-hopping o’er Muncher pits ( though there will still be mo’ trolling soon… )

As an extra trick, the level makes you think you can make going back past the reams o’ Piranha Plants easier by hitting the silver P-switch as soon as you reach it; but as the video shows, nope, you won’t make it, & you’ll be completely screwed out o’ getting the normal exit ’less you leave & come back.

I don’t know how many o’ these tricks were intentional. I know the last 1 I mentioned wasn’t, ’cause I literally was just trying it for the 1st time in that video footage.

Also, I like the palette on this 1. This was a later change & was probably when I started using Photoshop / GIMP filters to devise the colorsets for levels rather than just guessing colors like a buffoon.

Speaking o’ which, I should talk ’bout the gradient backgrounds ( which gorgeously leave parts visible when the screen fades, a prevalent glitch that literally made SMW Central rightfully reject this hacky hack ): people @ SMW Central did praise me for my use o’ HDMI, some complicated SNES effect that I couldn’t figure out how to get working well in SMW. As that should hint, this doesn’t use HDMI @ all, but simply uses pixelated tinting & a gradient o’ shades ( which can easily be done in Lunar Magic’s palette editor by holding Alt & back clicking 2 colors @ either end o’ where you want to gradient to be ).

I simply created tiles o’ flat colors & a blend ’tween 2 side-by-side colors & put 1 ’bove the other for the illusion o’ smooth color transition ( actually, in my defense, since HDMI does not use pixelated transitions, but just flat bars, my version actually is smoother, which probably ’splains why people found my “version” looked so nice ). Hawk-eyed viewers will notice that in these backgrounds the gradient always starts ’bove the picture ( the jungle plants in this case ), while the part actually ’hind the picture is flat. That’s why: it’s part o’ the same background, & since the gradient takes up too many colors to share a row with the picture ( a tile can only use 1 palette row ), the gradient & the picture can’t share tiles; & since the gradient goes clear ’cross horizontally, they can’t share any vertical space.

The lack o’ HDMI also ’splains why the gradients ne’er blend with the rest o’ the graphics, as real HDMI can do — & which makes HDMI worth it in the 1st place. Nor could I do any wavy effects. Compare my levels to this level from Brutal Mario, which actually uses HDMI, & one can see the clear difference:

• P-Switch level count: 11 / 16
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 3
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

World E: Deserted Skies

Music: “Map Medley”, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

You’ll get the “skies” part later.

Dusty Desert

Music: “Area 8 – Raddish Ruins”, Kirby & the Amazing Mirror

After 2 clever levels, we get utter mediocrity. The only interesting thing ’bout this level is that it has actual Koopa-hopping o’er Muncher pits — albeit, small, simple bouts — in contrast to the previous level.

But most o’ the level are hashed-together small jumps o’er spiked enemies or holes. Mo’ bewildering, despite being a desert, most o’ this level takes place in the clouds ( in fact, as we’ll see, all o’ these desert levels take place high up in the sky for some reason; if I had intentionally made this a sky/desert combo theme, I’d think this was clever ), which are just a ’scuse for tiny jumps. It’s copypasta level design to its max. It sucks.

• P-Switch level count: 12 / 17
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 3
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Death Valley

Music: “Area 8 – Raddish Ruins”, Kirby & the Amazing Mirror

& here we get the big troll level. Yes, as the video shows, it makes a big deal ’bout how you’re s’posedly s’posed to Koopa-hop o’er the long Muncher pit ( which, as the video shows, is actually quite easy if you bring a Yoshi ), only to provide 2 cape feathers that can be used to fly o’er it all, making this the easiest… Nope: e’en that’s not true. That’s ’nother troll level.

This was meant to be a satire on a common complaint ’bout Super Mario World & the cape feather & how people can just fly o’er some levels. The idea is that people have been so conditioned that flying o’er levels in Super Mario World & its hacks is wrong, is cheating, that it’s a puzzle to run into an actual level that requires it. & yet, it makes sense: the infinite flight isn’t some glitchy exploit, but an intentionally-designed game tool put in not just this hack, but the original. It makes sense that you’re s’posed to use it to beat some levels.

( Interestingly, ’nother theme I just now noticed in Desert / Sky World: the Yellow Switch, as I mentioned in the Red Switch, heavily focuses on flight to beat it — ’cept it’s actually challenging. So in addition to a troll, you could consider this level a stealth tutorial ).

• P-Switch level count: 12 / 18
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 3
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Dark Desert

Music: “Area 8 – Raddish Ruins”, Kirby & the Amazing Mirror

The 1 thing I can say ’bout this level is, man did I make it much mo’ concise. I remember the original version had the 1st part go on far longer, which meant that the swim under the 1st part took super long, which was ’specially tedious on the way there, constantly tapping the B button. There’s still a Cheep Cheep that jumps through dirt, but I guess you could make up some ’scuse for that. It’s better than an earlier version where there was a Blurp that outright swam through the sand.

Actually, in general I’d say this level makes good use o’ space, with the only exception being that random bowl-area with a single Pokey inside.

Granted, I’m not so fond o’ the reuse o’ the “hit P-switch to re-enter 1st area so you can rush to reach the pipe @ the start” for the secret exit, which had already been done much better in “Basidio Bridge”.

I’m also mixed on mixing the “enter pipe you entered from to enter a subtly different version o’ this room” for the water room keyhole with a separate secret for the key. On 1 side o’ it, having just, “Just enter 1 o’ the pipes you enter from” as the sole “secret” seems lame; on the other, this feels like a waste o’ ideas. I think I’d lean toward keeping it as it is.

You know, I used to remember thinking this level was worse than it seems now. I actually think this is quite a good level.

• P-Switch level count: 13 / 19
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Shroom of Sands

Music: “Area 8 – Raddish Ruins”, Kirby & the Amazing Mirror

I’m not sure why I bothered to e’en mention this, since it’s the exact same thing as the last 1 we saw — & the 5 or 6 we’ll see hereafter.

1 difference is that the message is e’en mo’ useless than the previous, which actually gave useful, albeit well-known, advice, while this just spews out a shitty joke that was already made in “Flaming Femurs”.

O well. I’d much rather go through the secret exit o’ “Dark Desert” than “Volcanic Valley”, so it’s not nearly as much a disappointment.

Pain in My Temple

Music: “Temple”, Zelda II: The Adventures of Link

The original version o’ this level was “Temple of the Cat”, an incredibly lame pun off the band, “Temple of the Dog”, which most people probably wouldn’t get. Sadly, this change means that my attempt to twist this post into a Chris Cornell tribute, which wouldn’t be cynical @ all, is ruined.

Anyway, it’d be a terrible tribute, ’cause this level is poop. The only good thing ’bout it is its graphics & music, which, as the message box that gets its own room for no good reason says, were just stolen by some jerk¹.

The main problem is that maneuvering through a lot o’ places is awkward. As the video shows, Koopa-hopping o’er the Spear-heads is awkward; & if you accidentally kill 1 with a fireball, you’re fucked ( fireballs truly suck compared to the cape in this game; they’re almost worse than just being big ). But the alternative is ladder-hopping, which is fine for the normal exit, but a pain to do if you’re carrying a P-switch & don’t want to accidentally drop it into a pit. The skeleton fish are hard to see in the sand.

& then there’s that bullshit secret, with is just move-throughable wall which can only be discerned by noticing a slight color difference. Move-throughable walls are the laziest secret in all gaming.

There’s also a lot o’ empty padding. In addition to the empty room with the hilarious 4th-wall-breaking message box there’s a split path that leads to the midway point & key. ’Cept 1 path has literally nothing while the other has tricky-to-dodge Thwomps only 2 blocks from the ceiling. ¿Why bother with the hard part when you can literally just skip it? I guess if you haven’t hit the switch, you have to take the dangerous part to get the midway point — but not the key; but if you’re willing to risk that, you might as well be willing to risk hitting the switch, which is easier, & getting both. It makes no sense.

The 1 thing I do like is the dynamic o’ having a simple & easy normal exit to the left ( which pulls a bit o’ a “Chocolate Island 3” on you & simply creates a path back to Dry Desert, as if you e’er wanted to play that awful level ’gain ) & a mo’ challenging secret exit to the right. Also, Wario Land 3 chest in night sky as keyhole is a nice touch.

As an extra note: I’m not the only one who noticed that this level is the best way to grind money ( which, as we’ll see, we’ll need later ).

• P-Switch level count: 14 / 20
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Lab of the Mirage

Music: “Revenge of Meta Knight – Halbert”, Kirby Super Star

¿“Mirage”? ¿What mirage? ¿Why wasn’t this called “Lab of Sands” to both be consistent with the “Shroom” & to take advantage o’ the fact that “sands” is both alliterative with “shroom” & rhymes with “lab”?

This lab probably fits the least with its theme; but it’s still a thousand times funner than “Lab of Darkness”, ¿so who cares? I guess one could make a connection ’tween this level’s focus on yellow blocks & sand… Not sure the 2nd part fits in, though. ¿’Cause the electric bolts are yellow? I guess everything’s slightly yellow.

It’s short, but that makes it sweeter than the giant mound o’ shit that’s “Lab of Darkness”. Sorry, there’s not much to say ’bout this level other than comparing it to the previous lab.

I can say that the boss is mo’ interesting than the “Lab of Darkness” boss. I’d say it’s the 2nd best. It’s not exactly brilliant; but when you don’t want to reuse Super Mario World’s e’en lamer bosses & can’t figure out how to use the Custom Boss sprite from SMW Central, you use what you have. ( I guess I could’ve used some other custom sprites — which I rarely used in this hack, for some reason. )

• P-Switch level count: 14 / 21
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

The Yellow Switch

Music: “The Axem Rangers Drop In”, Super Mario RPG

& this Switch is much better than the Red Switch.

The only problem is that Yoshi, who should ne’er be ’loud to enter this level, ruins it.

I wish this level did mo’ with flying. Just dodge a few spike balls. As the video shows, e’en if you get hit by 1, it’s still quite easy to make it to the pipe.

• P-Switch level count: 14 / 22
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Only 3 posts & we’ve already been through half the Switches & mo’ than 1/3 the levels.

( Note: an idea I unfortunately hadn’t thought o’ implementing till now: each level’s music, most o’ which is custom [ stolen from SMW Central, adaptations o’ songs from real games ], as well as the game it’s originally from & whether or not it’s a spot-on adaption [ labelled “same” ]. I’ve also gone back to the previous post & added them. )

World C: Shroom City Mainland

Music: “Map Medley”, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

I don’t know how good a name that is for this area; like I said, none o’ this game was broken up into any kind o’ coherent “worlds”.

Unfriendly Forest

Music: “Forest Area”, Kirby’s Adventure

I question whether I should include this in this world, since it has nothing to do with cities; & as you’ll see soon, we won’t be staying in this world for long, anyway.

Early on I considered this 1 o’ my better levels. I just think it’s all right now. It does have a subtle quality in how fun the jumps are if you do them correctly. Unfortunately, thanks to both the jitteriness o’ trying to record emulator playing & my weakened game-playing skills after years without playing not only this hack, but Super Mario World in general, I don’t show off this level particularly well.

1 thing I will say ’bout this level is that I think I did do the nonlinear thing well. This 1 feels legitimately open-ended & has multiple paths & uses almost everything, rather than having a bunch o’ useless fluff everywhere. If I had any complaint, it’d be that there seem to be a few too many basic jumps & naked Koopas.

I would e’en say I don’t mind the use o’ the P-switch here. ¿Have I mentioned yet that I had an affinity for making you go somewhere to get something that allows you to get past something blocking a path right @ the start, like Wario Land 4?

I still stand by the trick to getting the keyhole — ’specially since it’s not e’en necessary; you can just run & jump up there if your timing’s right. In fact, from what I’ve seen o’ people playing this level, I don’t think many have gotten frustrated, since all always found an easier alternative. I like that: it’s a cute li’l trick that you get o’er with soon. It’s like a parody o’ bullshit jumps in bad Super Mario World hacks, but thankfully doesn’t make you endure 1 in actual.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

• P-Switch level count: 6 / 7
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

World D: The Darkness

Music: “Welcome to Crocodile Island”, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest

Hmm… Isn’t this familiar…

Flaming Femurs

Music: “Hot Head Bop”, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest ( Same )

This music’s so amazing that I didn’t mind having to hackily turn off sound effects seemingly arbitrarily to get it to work well.

Surprisingly, the sound doesn’t crack @ all in this playthrough, e’en though I always remembered kicking a Koopa shell somehow disobeyed the sound-effect-canceling sprite.

You’ll see soon ’nough that I like very dark levels — not for any sake o’ difficulty, but simply for aesthetics, not thinking @ all what problems this might cause for anyone who didn’t have a monitor as bright as mine or had weaker eyesight.

This actually might be the only time I intentionally used the darkness as a form o’ difficulty, @ the end with the blocks that blend in with the background. This level also originally had a block that was s’posed to change the palette to a brightened-up version to simulate turning the lights on, but I couldn’t get that to work without causing the palette to become a psychedelic mess, — & that’s not s’posed to happen till much later in this hack — so I had to scrap it.

These layer-2 rooms are god awful. I don’t think I’ve e’er done 1 well & knew it e’en @ the time, but forced myself to do them ’cause I tricked myself into thinking they added variety. The timing’s always off, forcing you to wait, which is always boring & awful. & this is the least-awful iteration.

Finally: the message box that tells you to jump into the lava to find a secret key isn’t just a parody o’ those cliché schoolyard rumors; in a much earlier version o’ this level I actually had that as a way to find a secret exit. That was back when I thought the best puzzles were those where I just changed the behavior o’ a block & hoped the player randomly guessed that the game rules changed for no reason — ’cause that’s always great game design.

Otherwise, there’s not much to say ’bout this level. A’least it’s short & simple for once. O yeah: & no P-switches.

• P-Switch level count: 6 / 8
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

Cave of Misfortune

Music: “Mt. Moon”, Pokémon Red & Blue

I still think this level’s great & am still proud o’ the main gimmick. Too bad I suck @ games & fucked it up in this video.

’Nother detail I’m glad I added was changing some hex code so that the Koopas are no longer in the shells that pop out o’ the ?-blocks, which always made me wait for them to pop out & fall into a pit on earlier versions. Forcing yourself to play your own games the natural way is a great way to push yourself to optimize things, just for your own selfish goal o’ minimizing tedium.

I do worry that the secret exit might be too easy to find. I think if I were to do it now, I’d make it look like there’s a full ceiling, ’stead o’ that conspicuous line o’ empty dirt, while still having the beanstalk eat through it. This would do what I just mocked as lazy earlier, but in this case I think it’s fair, since the idea that vines eat through solid dirt isn’t necessarily solid, as evidenced by the fact that it ate through that solid middle dirt in the current version. If anything, the conspicuous line o’ empty dirt looks too much like cutoff, which was surely the core reason why this hack wasn’t accepted by SMW Central.

Also, I’m not sure what I was thinking when I designed the palette for the secret room. I’m also not so fond o’ how it’s the same thing as the main level. O well: a’least it’s short.

• P-Switch level count: 6 / 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

Volcanic Valley

Music: “Hot Head Bop”, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest ( Same )

& now we get into some true shit. You have no idea how many deaths I had to edit out — & most o’ them were caused by the wonky hit detection o’ these slopes. In particular, the last slope before the pipe is, I think, impossible to do ’less you’re small or you’re super dexterous ’nough to duck & slide jump before falling into the lava. The saddest thing is, it’d be easy to solve, too: just make the slopes go deeper into the lava. That’s how Nintendo programmed the lava after all: the top block doesn’t kill you; just the body below it, allowing some padding before you die.

The inner caves are no better. They’re mostly the same, but now there’s a boring-ass skull-raft ride, which is so slow, it sucks. & as, um… raocow says in the video, the raft disappears if you let it leave the screen. & since you need to to enter the pipe, — e’en if you had a cape & could float o’er to it, the raft is the only ground you could use to enter the pipe — leaving you utterly fucked.

This was the 1st level to legitimately piss me off. It won’t be the last. E’en the lack o’ P-switches doesn’t save it.

• P-Switch level count: 6 / 10
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

Shroom o’ Darkness

Music: “Mt. Moon”, Pokémon Red & Blue

Hey, it’s 1 out o’ a million o’ these. ’Cept without the cool bonus items that Super Demo World had which actually made them interesting. Look: you get to pay to get o’erpriced powerups you can easily get in a regular level; ¿isn’t that a great reward for all that bullshit?

But a’least you get some advice every Super Mario World hack-player knows.

Also, this doesn’t count for the P-switch count, since it doesn’t e’en have a goal.

Dead Shallows

Music: “Ghost House”, Super Mario World ( Same )

I was proud o’ this level till I found out The Second Reality Project already did its main gimmick years before me.

Going through the level backward underwater to get a P-switch you obviously couldn’t get, & using that P-switch to go through the main room a different way are cool, but not used to their best extent. I think putting them together is a waste o’ 2 good gimmicks. I love how I just threw together 2 clever gimmicks & did li’l with them while o’erusing P-switch puzzles & layer-2 bullshit in a dozen other levels ’cause I apparently didn’t have ’nough variety.

I thought I remembered an info box @ the end o’ the water room hinting that you should try to go through the 1st room ’gain without using the Torpedo Ted; but maybe I removed it ’cause I thought the solution was too obvious.

• P-Switch level count: 7 / 11
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

World A: Valley o’ Bowser’s ( revisited )

Music: “Valley of Bowser”, Super Mario World ( Same )

The Haunt

Music: “Shade Man – Ghouls ‘N Ghosts”, Mega Man 7 ( Based on 1st stage theme from Ghost ‘N Goblins games )

I remember this level being harder; surprisingly, I had less trouble this time than with “Cave of Misfortune”. Must’ve toned it down.

I know I must’ve toned down the P-switches, since I remember the original forced you to get both a blue & silver.

That said, other than the atmosphere, there’s not much to say ’bout it. There’s a subtle cleverness to the jump down the hill, which was much worse in earlier versions; I remember the jump through the plants in the upper part could be done quickly & flashily, which I don’t do, ’cause I’ve lost all skills I’ve developed in this game; the fact that you can use the silver P to go through the part easier is nice; though this was done better in other levels.

O yeah, & there’s keys all o’er, as some kind o’ joke… I guess. You’d have to ask teenage me. There’s no secret exit in this level, & there’s no keyhole anywhere.

• P-Switch level count: 8 / 12
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 1
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 1

Sea of Sangre ( revisited )

Music: “Decisive Battle”, Final Fantasy VI

’Course, anyone watching the video o’ the 1st trip must’ve noticed that this was a red level with a secret exit.

Though it’s mo’ a hindrance to this level than a help, I decided to show off that there’s a red Yoshi hidden @ the top o’ the beginning o’ this level as an easter egg. The game’ll mention later that there’s 1 o’ each special color Yoshi in each level ( technically 2 levels for the blue Yoshi, thanks to the wing bonus ); but the red Yoshi’s the only 1 that’s hidden ( the others you have to encounter to 100% the game ), & most playthroughs I’ve seen hadn’t found it.

This is ’nother level that’s rather hard to comment on simply ’cause it’s just OK. I guess I thought having the goal in the middle o’ the room clever, though I bet I’ve done it better in ’nother level. Also, having ’nother “Find the P-Switch” puzzle loses whatever points it might’ve gained. Same with a long-winded bridge-building puzzle that’s only made bearable by flying & hitting them all @ once. I guess maybe that could be a clever way to reward those who think o’ that; I didn’t plan it but came up with it while testing the level in a desperate attempt to speed it up, since I tested these levels dozens o’ times.

Note how I tried to make this a trainer’s wheels version o’ Koopa hopping by making there by ground below. Also, ’twas pointless, since by this point it’s immensely likely you have a cape & can just fly o’er everything. You can see in the video that I started to do just that, only to stop & decide that I probably ought to show off the way you’re “s’posed” to do it. These trainer’s wheels are e’en mo’ odd if you do this exit on the way back, which is what I expect, you’ll have to go through much harder challenges ( ’specially if you play through that “Volcanic Valley” bullshit ).

• P-Switch level count: 8 / 12
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 2
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 2

Lab of Darkness

Music: “Fight Against an Armed Boss”, Super Mario RPG

’Stead o’ castles or fortresses, this game has laboratories, with a li’l green & gray icon I drew myself. I actually still like this decision, though I wish I’d picked better Mega Man graphics to steal.

It cracks me up how there’s a cutscene showing Luigi jump off Yoshi, as a way to keep the game from glitching with Yoshi’s existence, & then slowly walking inside ( after Luigi the Magician makes the door open just by looking up @ it ), only to start you outside the castle ( to keep the darkened palette o’ the 1st inside room from infecting the cutscene ). Maybe it’s just the entrance to the courtyard.

Also, if this is s’posed to be a lab, ¿why’s it look so much like a castle? Just gotta use your imagination. It reminds me o’ when I was young & had to pretend a green hacky sack was Kirby & Leonardo’s blue triceratops ( from some prehistoric TMNT toys ) was Bowser. That’s just what you have to do when your resources are limited.

But this level blows. It’s too many mediocre sections taped together. I can’t help noticing that the best levels I did were those that were concise; this is bloated. The graphical gimmick — having the 1st section be dark & the 2nd section light — isn’t used beyond looks, & looks tacky. I guess in fairness, you can skip some o’ it; I only wish you could skip the worst o’ it: that god awful layer-2 section right after the 1st room.

Like always, the main goal is to find a P-switch & bring it back to the 1st dark subroom to get past a brown-block wall in ’nother sublevel. Unlike the other levels, I don’t like this use: it only adds fluff to a level that’s already stuffed with it. There are actually 2 places where you can get the P-switch, & this version makes those places much better; in the original, the P-switch in the light room was in the hall that led to ’nother room that already had 1, whereas going the other hallway & through the room that it leads to would give the player no P-switch @ all, while leading them back to the start. Considering the midpoint in the light room, that takes them back farther than if they’d died.

& then we have the final boss. I couldn’t figure out how to get the “Custom Boss” sprite to not crash my game & didn’t want to reuse the Koopa Kids, so I made up li’l puzzles with regular enemies & called them “bosses”. 1 I truly liked later; but here we just have a joke. I still think it’s all right. It’s a 1-time thing, & a relief after what a pain in the ass the level itself is.

“The Angry Exterminator” is a reference to some silly rom hack. I made a few satirical references to other rom hacks — making satirical references to other works in the same medium is something I oft do; but the truly good 1 comes much later.

• P-Switch level count: 9 / 13
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 3
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

The Red Switch

Music: “The Axem Rangers Drop In”, Super Mario RPG

But the true boss isn’t the lab, but the switch itself.

I like this dynamic: a ( s’posedly ) all-round-hard castle-like level followed by a simpler, puzzle level. I also like the aesthetics. It’s just too bad the design o’ the levels themselves were mostly lame.

This 1’s unquestionably the worst. There’s no focus @ all. It starts with a bunch o’ mindless jumps, has some awkward but easy section to get a spring, with an awkward way to get out ( which makes it impossible to bring Yoshi back with you & keep the spring ), & then has some dumb “run, but duck under the spikes” strewn round a long, empty hall ( which made bringing Yoshi impossible, anyway ). Padding. It ends with a short flight section that would be better if a better version wasn’t done in the Yellow Switch.

• P-Switch level count: 9 / 14
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 3
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

& this week’s journey ends with the best glitch: when you return to the map, you’re stuck on the switch. I have no idea why this happens, but I couldn’t fix it, no matter what I tried. You just have to reset the game. Good thing this game autosaves almost everything — ’cept Yoshi, which means it didn’t matter whether we could bring Yoshi with us or not.

Next week we truly explore Shroom City Mainland, starting with… ugh… a truly tiring level.