Fucking 1st Web Designer—Just Fucking 1st Web Designer.

What I love most ’bout this recent article wherein they give terrible advice, as always, is how every time I reread it, I keep finding new problems. It’s like the James Joyce’s Ulysses o’ shittiness: you need supplementary material to get it all.

Like, for instance, it took me a while to realize that this article’s very title, “How to Make Website Responsive in About 15 Minutes,” in addition to being a bald-faced lie ’bout what it can promise (as always) is written as if said by a caveman.

@ the beginning o’ the article is a list o’ points ’bout this article, such as how long it should take, how hard it should be, what minimal skills should be, &, @ the end, a “warning” that this might be fun for people who already know this shit—the same way I find it fun to do 2nd grade homework.

By the end of these quick tutorials about responsive web design with HTML5, you will already be on your way to web stardom, and by that, I mean, you’ll be ready to convert and make responsive websites!

Ah, yes, web designers are the rock stars o’ the internet. ¡With ’nough JavaScript libraries you’ll be the next Kurt Cobain! Which is to say that after your 100th site swivelling huge pictures o’ workers laughing & pretending their job isn’t the equivalent o’ having their souls in a smasher & free ads for iPhones, you’ll want to shoot yourself in the head.

Additional reading: If after reading this quick tutorial, you want to go more in depth check out this PSD to HTML tutorial: The Only Guide You Need in 2015 (ultimate learning 10k word guide)!

I think they prematurely ended this sentence: I think they meant to type, “The Only Guide You Need in 2015 to Know These People Know Nothing ’Bout Web Design.”

¡Phhhh! ¿You want to know what’s e’en better? If you actually go to that link, you’ll see that the page itself says that it’s “The Only Guide You Need in 2016 [emphasis mine]” & that ’twas written in 2016. These fuckers are so stupid they don’t e’en know what year it is & think that the only useful website for 2015ers is one that requires them to time-travel in order to read it.

For an article that s’posedly takes only 15 minutes to read & apply, it sure is full o’ lots o’ padding, including telling me what the writer is going to write. These writers must be paid by the word.

Anyway, most o’ the article is just, “download this framework & copy what I write.” This “website” that you end up making is not a website with any use to anyone (nor good-looking), & is a waste o’ bandwidth & loading time, with all the frameworks loaded to do nothing.

Here’s an easier way to make a reponsive website in 15 minutes: don’t use absolute measurements ’less you have to. ¿You want a navigation bar like in the screenshot they show? Just make an unordered list o’ links & make the list items inline & the links blocks. Also, don’t be ’fraid o’ having single columns. Honestly, I find they look better & are much easier to scan, since they’re less cluttered. This is 2016; no web user’s ’fraid to scroll, vertically a’least; you don’t need to pack everything @ the top like a newspaper.

Hell, e’en if one were adamant ’bout having one’s site in columns, one could just use flexbox. (That linked article, by the way, is a much better tutorial for responsive design than this).

This tutorial makes no sense. It claims that you’re s’posed to know CSS to be able to do it, but if you know CSS, you don’t need this tutorial, since you should already know how to make responsive websites—mo’ than you’d know how to install & use some unfamiliar frameworks.

Moreo’er, like many frameworks, these encourage terrible design standards, which this tutorial only accentuates. Look @ how silly that looks, having a page full o’ empty DIV tags that do nothing but tell a dumb framework to make a chunk o’ content 1000px in the most arcane way e’er. ¿What e’er happened to progressive enhancement? You’re not doing that by starting by imagining the larger screen size 1st.

But the best is the last step:

Step 4: There is no Step 4

I expected a tutorial on web design, not paradoxes, Douglas Hofstadter.

Well, actually there is a step 4.

¡This writer’s so naive they don’t e’en know how to use a backspace key!

The next thing you need to do is study the files you downloaded and start creating your own responsive web page from scratch.

asryhlawueyrvlauiybrvayruia… You’re trying to piss me off.

If I’m using frameworks, I’m not making anything “from scratch”; that is the exact opposite o’ the very definition o’ “from scratch.”

There are a lot of other tools you can use aside from Foundation, but the idea is basically the same. Don’t forget to check the documentation!

That’s gonna take quite a bit longer than 15 minutes, buddy.

What do you think about this tutorial? This is my first time writing one, and it may appear messy to experts, but comments and suggestions are always welcome so that we can all improve, right?

I love how this writer is @ their messiest while talking ’bout what a messy writer they are. ¿& who are the “experts”? ¿In literacy? ¿Who would that include? ¿Or is there some template for writing ’bout web design? Actually, considering how standardized these articles seem to be & how allergic these people are to doing anything themselves, that would make sense.

Start typing now!

But you just said I was s’posed to start by downloading files. You don’t e’en remember what you wrote, ¿did you?

¿Why?