The Song that Describes the Essence o’ my Heart

Leaves its cave
hibernation to eat—
lawnmower.

1st Web Designer decided to give the whole internet a great gift to celebrate 2016: they’re not going to write ’bout web design. This may shock people who read their earlier attempt to discuss web design, wherein they showed that they think Adobe Photoshop is a programming language & that the best way to benefit customers is to spend 10 minutes stealing other people’s generic templates & spending the rest o’ one’s time masturbating to meaningless abstract terms like “TM43 CONVERTING WEBSITES.”

Yes, we’re leaving web design industry, not entirely of course, but the general web design so we can focus on something more precise and current.

Unfortunately, this is only a minor gift, for 1st Web Designer is still writing @ all, & failing @ it almost just as much. To demonstrate this boldly, they started this article with a comma splice in the 1st sentence. Maybe they should try looking for some writing templates, too.

We’ll explain everything in the article, but first let me congratulate you with Year 2016!

Nothing’s mo’ hilariously redundant than writing, “We will talk ’bout [blank].” ‘Stead o’ telling me ’bout what you’re going to say, ¿why don’t you just fucking say it?

One more year has passed, we really hope your year 2015 was awesome – full with amazing experiences and growth!

I’m still baffled that, in addition to computers in general, these people don’t understand how a comma works.

If you have just started with web design – congratulations, you took a big leap of faith to become a creator.

‘Gain, 1st Web Design is demonstrating their patented “talk ’bout everything but what the title o’ the article says.”

& it goes on & on, with mo’ 1-sentence-long paragraphs o’ the same general message. Let’s skip ‘head to—wait…

What can you expect to find in this article?

(Laughs) ¡Come the fuck on! ¡Just give me what I expect now! ¡This is a simple article to blabber ’bout what you’re doing with the site, not a fucking history thesis!

We will be reviewing the best content published in 2015 on 1WD

¿See? That proves that this article will be short.

Also we are making a big decision to change our focus to WordPress[.]

Um, ¿didn’t you already do that?

& WordPress is obviously web design, so if you’re talking ’bout WordPress, then you’re talking ’bout web design. I can’t believe you wrote ‘nother article wherein the title is a total fucking lie.

This is becoming a yearly tradition, look what we predicted and promised last year.

Yeah, bullshit article titles & comma splices have become a yearly tradition for you—as much a yearly tradition as the flu.

We will be inviting 1WD readers to start fresh together with us this year. Let’s start over, question all our previous decisions, improve and then focus again.

I can’t agree mo’: scrap everything you’ve done; throw it all ‘way. You were clearly just drunk @ the time, anyway.

Next we need to fast forward through all the ads…

Apparently we should expect 1WD, as these hip cats call themselves, to retire from the dreary work o’ pretending to do web design & ‘stead go out into the fresh wilderness & become lumberjacks in snowy Canada. I can’t agree mo’ with this decision.

O, great, after that ad we got self-fallatio. Should’ve expected it.

On 2015 1WD published 119 articles, that’s a new article every 3 days.

In 89 years, Harper Lee wrote 2 books. I don’t think there’s a coincidence ‘tween these 2 contrasting facts. ¿Can we add 1 o’ those inane hashtags to “quantityoverquality”?

Then we started talking more about web design trends, UI, UX and mobile design, which also showed random results. All in all, now in review we understand we didn’t focus enough to give any of these efforts true results.

(Laughs). The 1st sentence should be translated to “people said they sucked,” & “focus enough” should be translated to “do anywhere near a competent job.”

When you think 1stWebDesigner – what’s the first thing, you would say it’s about? If I think about it myself – I would say random topics about web design. What we are missing here – is strong focus, but we’ll talk about it later when discussing our decision to focus on WordPress.

Well, now when I think ’bout you, I think o’ commas & em dashes misused in hilarious ways. It’s like he just read ’bout em dashes before writing this article & thought, Man, ¡I gotta use these all o’er the places!

(Laughs) ¡Holy shit! I just noticed he tried to build suspense & failed when he ‘splained what his conclusion was as he was trying to hint @ it. “I’ll tell you what I’m focusing on when I tell you ’bout how I’m focusing on WordPress.” This is now 2 layers o’ telling what you’re going talk ’bout.

& then he writes a paragraph talking ’bout what he’s going to talk ’bout before a big header that says the same thing. ¿Is he paid by word here? ¿Is this Herman Melville reincarnated?

& this is followed by the other “yearly tradition” bullshit titles: he claims he wrote a whopping 11,000-word tutorial (#quantityoverquality) on web designing “from scratch,” but as his top 10 (I’m just glad it isn’t some zany #, like 17) reveals, this is just a list o’ list articles (which do use zany #s) listing resources you can take. That is literally the opposite o’ designing websites “from scratch.”

Hope you enjoyed checking out these articles, but what else is there?

Mo’ ads to fast-forward through.

In 2015 we heavily experimented with video and podcast content to understand if you enjoy it and maybe even prefer video over text.

“We figured that if you’re dumb ‘nough to value this schlock, you might just be dumb ‘nough to be illiterate.”

Create a Responsive Website Using HTML5 and CSS3 – this video, created by guest writer Christian Vasile 2 years ago, has turned out to be the most popular video we have created so far.

For some reason, this video made by somebody else that actually shows true technical work related to actual web design is mo’ popular than me talking ’bout my favorite type o’ coffee & weekday.

If you missed it, 1stWebDesigner is also on iTunes with 25 podcasts already available, where James interviews smart and successful people.

I hope he means 25 episodes o’ 1 podcast, & not the alternate.

¿Why do ads—these are clearly still ads—insist on using empty superlatives that don’t convince anyone? ¿& wouldn’t it be refreshing if someone admitted, “we interview whatever losers living on their mother’s couch & making Wario Land fan sites who will deign to speak to us”?

You can easily pick their brain and learn why they are one of the best in their field.

I would be intrigued to learn ’bout their special morphing powers to combine themselves into a single entity.

So he finally gets to that super important message that he already gave ’bout focusing on WordPress now (snore). It’s truly no different from what he’s been saying in the past articles, so it makes no sense.

Previously we tried to be a place where you learn web design, a place where you learn how to become a freelance web designer.

& you failed miserably.

But web industry is moving to less and less coding[.]

& here’s proof that he knows nothing ’bout web design, for if he did, he’d know that, if anything, web design is becoming mo’ ’bout coding—that web design itself is in danger o’ being mo’ & mo’ replaced by specialized apps that are, yes, programmed. He might also know that JavaScript is becoming mo’ prevalent. He’d know that being able to do mo’ than the most basic things in WordPress requires a’least knowing the programming that forms its backbone, in case the plugins one uses cause odd fuck-ups.

Right now, themes have become so powerful, that they are used as page builders.

Without a’least minimal technical knowledge, these are useful only for the most basic websites & will be impossible to distinguish from other websites that use the same “builders.”

Mo’ importantly, something so easily done can easily be done by the companies or individuals themselves for free. Simple logic states that if one does nothing, than one is useless, & therefore no one needs to pay one for doing nothing when they can get the same for doing the nothing themselves for free. Sorry your scheme to get paid for nothing failed.

There are basically two paths you can take as a web designer – you become a hardcore programmer or you become a hacker.

We’ll add “definition o’ the word `hacker’”¹ to the list o’ things 1stWebDesigner doesn’t know.

But for us hacking things together has always been closer path.

¡Hey! ¡The 1st true statement!

Clearly when he said “hacker,” he meant “hack.” Easy to mix ’em up, buddy.

Also, ¿can we add “how to use articles correctly” to that list?

I do like how 1stWebDesigner was a’least nice ‘nough to provide ads to better websites that offer useful info.

So What Exactly, 1WD Will Be Focusing On?

Now you’re being illiterate on purpose. You think you’re that wacky ol’ man from Zelda. You’re not. You’re not e’en that random Moblin. You’re just a bush in the forest—not e’en the 1 that’s burnt down to find Level 7. Just a random 1.

[Y]ou will not be selling your coding skills anymore. You will be selling the results you deliver to your clients.

We’ve been through this already. I get it: “You won’t be getting money for your work; you’ll be getting money for other people’s work.” Essentially, you’ll be exploiting dumb small businesses who are too stupid to know that they can pay their janitor excess T-shirts with their brand’s logo on it to spend a Saturday setting up an account on WordPress.com. This is the exact thing you talked ’bout before. Nothing has changed. You’re e’en talking ’bout those fucking “converting” websites ‘gain.

For example, we’ll help you to find and build: the fastest WordPress themes, that improve user experience and conversion because of fast loading speed[…]

I know I’ve been harping on this guy’s English, but it’s hard for him to convince me when I have no idea what the hell he’s saying. ¿These themes are fast ’cause they have “fast loading speed”? C’mon.

¿& the themes improve the “conversion”? I thought they were what were being converted. ¿What does conversion have to do with anything?

[…]amazing WordPress plugins, that deliver specific functionality like adding security, loading speed, shopping cart, membership website[…]

Um, no, you need to know how to fucking program to make plugins. You need to know this li’l thing called “PHP,” which didn’t e’en make it onto your list o’ programming languages one should learn that includes Photoshop.

[…]common WordPress mistakes[…]

(Laughs). Wait, back it up: let’s go back to the start o’ this sprawling sentence:

For example, we’ll help you to find and build:

& that motherfucker said “and” (¿What is this, the 50s? Might as well spell-out “@,” too), so he can’t mean just finding them.

After trying to suck me into the WordPress cult,—Augh.—mo’ ads.

Still, he does have some great incite into business:

Everyone who is professionally involved in this industry or for that matter any other industry must have the business growth mindset which basically translates into: “In order to earn I have to spend.”

“¡Just bribe your way to victory! ¡Yay corruption!”

Hey, ¿what if our 1st web designer isn’t rolling in money—like most 1st web designers? Looks like I might’ve found a tiny chink in the otherwise solid fortress that is your strategy, bud.

Every successful person will tell you that in order to grow their business and earn, they also had to spend money. They had to invest either in their education, tools, solutions, contacts or assets.

But not their labor, ’cause successful people are lazy assholes.

& then mo’ ads for o’erpriced garbage plugins. Seriously, ¿What world are we living in wherein “Ninja Popups” costs mo’ than 5 times as much as Wario Land 3 on Virtual Console? If that’s not proof that the “Subjective” Theory o’ Value is horseshit… well, it is—so there. I mean, “If you paid $25 for `Ninja Popups,’ then you’re a fucking idiot” is 1 o’ Aristotle’s fundamental principles, for god’s sake.

We want 1stWebDesigner to become source, where you find in-depth, unbiased reviews on some top themes, plugins, WordPress related services in the market.

So their goal is to be a redundant copy o’ the reviews section on WordPress’s plugins pages.

Don’t be confused when seeing new non-WordPress articles popping up as recently published. It will just mean, that we have republished this article, we took from archives.

“Don’t be confused if we’re too stupid to figure out how to update our ol’ shit without having it rise to the top o’ our blog like feces in toilet water.”

This is how clean and fast website should look like.

Thank you, Solomon Gundy, for your wonderful inspirational poster.

& then this:

On this note, if you would like to help us, we need some additional help to get this done sooner. If you are from Europe and looking for contract type of work to help us with cleanup works, please email us to hello at 1stwebdesigner dot com.

¡Ha! He can’t e’en clean up his own shit without other people’s work. C’mon.

¿& why only Europeans? ¿Why the whole general continent o’ Europe? Like, e’en if he for some reason needed them to be close ‘nough to have “1 on 1,” or whatever inane sexual innuendo business bros. use, I think, say, a Romanian would have just as much a distance or language problem for a UK company as anyone from any other country.

Then he gabs ’bout how he’s switching to some other product ’cause it allows him to spy on his viewers better.

1st Web Designer shows that their true reason for switching is ’cause their horoscope told them that things would “look up” if Capricorns switched to ConvertKit.

Then they finally end this schlock by asking for reading input (snooze).

Do you think we are going completely wrong about this or maybe you are excited about the changes?

Well, the latter is factually wrong, since there were no changes, so I guess I’ll have to say the former. Maybe 2017 will be the year you finally learn how words work.

By the way, I think they may want me to GET EXCLUSIVE WORDPRESS & BUSINESS TIPS, though I’m not 100% sure. I just have the strange feeling that they were subtly hinting @ the fact throughout this article.

---

Footnotes:

[1] Merriam Webster definition 3: “an expert at programming and solving problems with a computer [emphasis mine].”

O, well.

All’s well, that end’s well.

Well, it drowns in water full o’ oxygen.

Well, it keeps in its keep stone, white;

itching with beady bones, white;

Well, it keeps still in paroxysm.

Well, O—

Well’s end—that end all ends all.

O: pelicans call.

O: tides fall.

O: winds pass.

O: clouds cast.

X: I fall in & have a bath.

¡What laughs!

Sewage smell.
Soothing sleepiness.
Sunny, bored.

While the Super Nintendo gets the most love for being the height o’ 2D, pixelated games, & I have a lot o’ nostalgia for it as well, I remember the Game Boy Advance just as fondly, e’en though it doesn’t get nearly as much credit.

15 years ago the Game Boy Advance was released in Japan—& in June that will apply to Europe & the US. Thus in following months or so I’ll be writing articles on the games for which I have the greatest nostalgia¹. While I’ll sometimes have analyses o’ the games themselves, the main focus will be my initial impressions o’ these games upon 1st playing them in the early 2000s, thereby proving this is a true blog—i.e. an exercise in narcissism.

Games I’ll be examining (not necessarily exhaustive):

• The Super Mario Advance games
• Mario Kart: Super Circuit
• Wario Land 4
• WarioWare, Inc.: Mega Microgame$! & Twisted!
• Game & Watch Gallery 4
• Kirby & the Amazing Mirror
• The Donkey Kong Country remakes

I met Dr. Jekyll (BA-THUMP),

& he wasn’t much better than Mr. Hyde.

He’s not such a rebel (BA-THUMP),

e’en when he’s trying to hide ‘hind his crooked disguise;

but he makes me tremble (BA-THUMP),

he makes me cry in fright the whole god damn night.

He is just a devil (BA-THUMP);

maybe that’s why I can’t get him out o’ my miii-i-i-i-iind…

O… ¿Whyyy-y-y-y-yy…?

In my attempts to shelter rain,

the sun still sneaks inside through blind spots,

stretching stark nights wide awake

& making mornings gorgeous vine clots.

(Thanks.)

O, ¿will I miss another bus

on sidewalks paved with flashing chills?

Why, yes, I will—all because o’ the sun,

who never has to pay the bills.

(What a bum.)

Hey.

Stop cutting up my meters, son—

I must walk 10 to reach my destination.

¿Or was that 8?… Fuck…

“To wait this line you must have patience.”

(¿What?)

But I don’t want to end, my friend—

to leave my friend, the cheddar oak.

¿Who needs birdseed when I could tend

to pinecones pancaked under spokes?

(Shut up—it makes perfect sense.)

2 doves on
creaky branches called
a couplet

departing—
branches sing no more,
“O, fuck it.”

“¿Could you give me just 1 li’l break?”

Wood so old creaks beneath his weight.

His shadow flies o’er winter plains.

The shadow o’the moon makes it fade.

Tú empuñas el cetro,

tú te pones el vestido—

desde la cumbre… a lo más profundo…

-El Fantasma

Trataste de fallar y fallaste,

dijo el espejola en la ventana empapado de la lluvia, negra como petrol.

Good job.

¿Y ahora crees que puedes tener mí néctar meloso?

¿Crees que puedes compartir mí manta cálida,

tú y tus manchas tan sucias?

No debiste ponértelas en primer lugar,

o, mejor dicho, debiste crecer la voluntad limpiarlas.

Pero, no lo hacía;

y es por eso que sabes que eres una socialista mágica.

Así dicen en El Economicon:

„Sie können nicht Ihr DNA widerstehen.“

The sole bride
in this setting life:
moon-reigned nights.

The pills don’t chill

the fever that doesn’t cool,

won’t come to my clasp,

won’t catch the cold

in fevers so ol’,

but still mo’ severe

than the nearest lossage

‘fore my thought drops.

¿Por qué sonríes?

Me dijiste que tienes depresión.

Pero personas con depresión no sonríen.

Ahora que, ¿por qué frunces el ceño?

¿Por qué tienes demasiada depresión?

No me encanta…

y no me encanta que no me encanta.

Was du brauchst, mein Sohn…

was du brauchst, mein Sohn…

Wo Menschen in schwarz kleiden…

Wo dein Gefühle dich ein Ungeheuer gemachen…

Pero, no los diré a ellos—

no los diré nada.

Los secretos de las estrellas brumosas

se guardarán en mi propriedad privada

y desteñirán con mi desaparición,

como no hubieran existido nunca—

como no habían existido…

因此再见…

¡E poi colpisce lampi!

—¿Wen bist du?

Ich kenn nicht.

—¿Wen bist du?

Ich kann mich nicht erinnern…

—Ich sagte, ¿Wen bist du?

¡Ich bin nichts!

—¿Was war das?

Ich sagte, ¡Ich bin nichts!

—Stimmt.

—Du bist nichts.

—Du bist nichts aber der Nichtsmensch.

—Erinnere dich daran.

E poi disperde pioggia…