The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten

Careerealism’s Close Encounter with Honesty

Ha, ha, ha. Look @ this letter they got from an anonymous writer:

Dear Experts,

I’m starting to think that all of you Career Experts are a bunch of liars. I’ve been out of work for 8 months. I’ve read tons of articles, tried all the advice given and I STILL am unemployed.

Is this all a bunch of rubbish you are feeding people to get them to buy your stuff?

Dear Anonymous Writer,

Yes.

‘Course, our grammatically-challenged (¿would you advise your readers to write professional works in cellphone speak?) experts respond by accusing the writer o’ bitterness, evading her question with an ad hominem. What they don’t do is provide any evidence that their advice is effective.

So, to reiterate: yes, they are lying to get idiots to buy their garbage (or get hits to their ads), as many o’ these cheap, after-midnight paid programming equivalents do.

Posted in Yuppy Tripe

Nondescript Bass Sonnet

Accompanying music.

You’ve been passing round my ears

since I was in kindergarten,

always growling soothing cheers

in your warblin’ Martian garblin’.

What’s the song you sing today?

Not the same as years ago,

though all share the calming waves,

many single-showing shows.

Who are you under those hoods?

On to work or buying goods?

Stay as shady as you should.

Posted in Metered, Mezunian Sonnet, Poetry

Constitution-Thumpers & Independent-Minded People Opposites on Intelligence Scale

We’ve had a lot o’ fun reading the scriptures from the churches o’ Mises, so I thought it’d be fun if we took a break & looked @ the other main laissez-faire libertarian denomination, the churches o’ the US founding fathers.

Today we’re reading Think Tank #4296, 10th Amendment Center’s, article, “Communists and Founding Fathers Opposite on Democracy,” wherein they call for the “less informed [sic] masses” to be “protected” from their sinful selves by their benign, brilliant, rich republican leaders. I don’t know ‘bout you, but that sounds awfully libertarian to me!

Tragically, the 10th Amendment Center ne’er learned ‘bout such logical fallacies as “Appeal to Authority” or “Ad-Hominem,” for this article is based entirely on both. Essentially, bearded commies once said nice things ‘bout democracy & a bunch o’ the founding fathers denigrated it, so we should hate democracy, ‘cause the founding fathers died for our sins. The founding fathers also supported slavery & participated in the most successful genocide e’er,—& America’s own Bible, the Constitution, originally defined black people as merely 3/5th human1—so presumably we must believe these, too. Furthermo’, Karl Marx wrote a whole article supporting freedom o’ speech, so clearly freedom o’ speech is dangerous, too–‘cept, wait, the founding fathers also supported it, so that means… bzzt… scrackle… We’re sorry but this paragraph has crashed. Would you like to send us an error report so we can see just how inferior your hardware is & laugh @ you ‘hind your back? Too bad.

Not all o’ the founding fathers were so critical o’ democracy, either: Thomas Jefferson, for instance, claimed that “Men by their constitutions are naturally divided into two parties: 1. Those who fear and distrust the people, and wish to draw all powers from them into the hands of the higher classes. 2. Those who identify themselves with the people, have confidence in them, cherish and consider them as the most honest and safe, although not the most wise depositary of the public interests” & that “[t]he last appellation of aristocrats and democrats is the true one expressing the essence of all.”

Their history is also shaky. For instance, while “democracy”—control by the male, native minority (paragraph 2)—may have led to tyranny in Athens, ‘twas actually good ol’ republicanism that led to tyranny in Rome, as known by anyone who has e’er read a history book e’er—that’s kind o’ why they call it the “Fall o’ the Roman Republic,” stupid-ass2. & despite their claim that “[t]he historical record is clear” that the millisecond the 47% o’ Americans who don’t pay income taxes—which includes many o’ the richest corporations in the US, I might add—rises to 50%, the US will collapse into lootin’ & scootin’, I fail to see any evidence. I’m also not sure how taxes being too low relates to communism, but I can certainly agree with them on the need to make mo’ Americans pay taxes. Somehow some o’ the most democratic (& economically left-wing) countries in the world are also the happiest—but then, maybe Nordics & Swiss just truly love lootin’ & scootin’. This is shocking: you’d expect ancient-history to be a prime prognostic for the 21st century.

They also, shockingly, are ignorant o’ Marxism, for if they weren’t they’d know that when Marxists praised “democracy,” they usually meant, er, republicanism. See, Marxists are infamous ‘mong anarchists & “libertarian socialists” for supporting representative systems, such as Marx’s support o’ the “bourgeois-democratic” (read: republican) Revolution o’ 1848 in France3. I’m bewildered by their fact that they read these quotes without wondering for a second if any o’ them knew the true definition, since they’re surrounded by Americans both liberal & conservative who get the definitions wrong–as they themselves indicate.

& there’s no evidence that there was e’er any true democracy in any Leninist countries, prior, during, or after any o’ the Leninist revolutions. All o’ them were republics–closer to republics than the founding fathers’ versions, if anyone actually reads Plato’s The Republic–& had either monarchist or republican governments beforehand. For instance, before the Soviet Union was the Menshevik-controlled (Orthodox Marxists) parliament, & before that was plain-ol’ monarchy. Direct democracy ne’er figured anytime.

Indeed, that they would criticize Leninism as being overtly populist is ludicrous & shows their utter ignorance o’ history. Anyone with the slightest understanding o’ Leninist history would know that Leninists were, ‘bove all, “intellectualists”: self-described meritocrats who wanted power in their hands ’cause they were rational, unlike the vulgar traditionalists in monarchy. Where does that sound familiar? Why, it’s the very republican sentiment that many o’ the founding fathers–particularly Federalists–supported! As Jefferson–who was a bit o’ an exception–said: the world is generally divided into those who support political equality & those who support so-called intellectually superior elites.

Or is their definition o’ “republicanism” obedience to the American Constituion. This would be an absurd definition, ‘course, since it’s purely American & thus incompatible by nature with other countries. Its basis on American history is literally the only thing that holds it together as a specific identity different from other constituions.

The fact is, the 10th Amendment Center’s probably just a bunch o’ brainwashed jingoists: like many Americans, they were taught that they’re largely arbitrary rules based on historical chance (as all dominant ideologies are) are somehow special based on some lazily-cobbled logic & regurgitate this teaching as if they’re onto some high-level knowledge. They’re not. Everyone fucking knows ’bout the founding fathers; most just don’t care ’cause they’re ancient slaveholders, for god’s sake.

The good news for the 10th Amendment Center is that their readers are probably “less informed masses” themselves, & thus won’t notice how idiotic this article is. We can only hope for their sake that nobody with a smidgen o’ intelligence or historical knowledge accidentally stumbles ‘pon it & ruins the whole soufflé.

Footnotes:

  • [1] Predictably, there’s plenty o’ hypocritical white-washing o’ this point by devout Americanists, who defend it as just an innocent instance o’ realpolitik that must be examined in context. This doesn’t stop them from claiming the rest o’ the Constitution as a universal law, however. Moreover, one shouldn’t fool oneself into thinking that other countries can get ‘way with this. Only American leaders & history can be humanized or looked @ in context; other countries & cultures—the Soviet Union, for instance—are just instances o’ hand-rubbing villains.
  • [2] Sorry for my Hollywood Tourette’s acting up ‘gain.
  • [3] Ha, ha, ha: was that Wikipedia article written by a Marxist, by the way? Probably ’cause they’re the only ones who gave a shit ’bout the Revolutions o’ 1848.
Posted in No News Is Good News, Politics

I Thirst for Autumnal Rain

I thirst for autumnal rain that tastes o’ English Breakfast Tea.

There was none, so I returned to my sand castle under the sea.

I returned tomorrow,

but they only had summer sunshine that tasted o’ Sunny D,

which was all right in itself, I s’pose.

But I still wanted that rain.

& then they said they had summer rain,

& I told them to stop being zany.

—Summer rain.

What kind o’ bullshit is that?—

I told the guy,

I told him, —Hey, I know what discus you’re throwing.

You’re trying to hoard all o’ the autumnal rain ‘way from me.

You think I don’t deserve autumnal rain,

think I’m not good ‘nough.

You all despise me,

Think I’m dirt.

OK.

I understand.

You’re probably right.

Goodbye—.

So I went home to brood in my shady gray chamber o’er how best to drown my head in the sink

when I heard a tink.

I went outside & there I found

rain blurring into white smoke gainst the gray clouds.

I opened my mouth to drown myself in its icy ichor

when it occurred to me that it didn’t taste as sweet as I’d originally inferred.

I sneezed, freezing.

I went back inside to ‘scape the jacket-breaking breeze

(seriously, the wind just grabbed my jacket & ripped it ‘part like a gorilla.

What the fuck?)

& as I brooded in my briny mood, it occurred to me,

that I could use winter snow that tastes like chocolate-chip mint ice cream.

Posted in Crazy, Poetry

Tired Sonnet

Accompanying music.

Is it gray or is it blue?

Leaves between both black & green.

Sunny’s shift is ending soon.

Zephyrs scurry up my sleeve.

Feel a tingling in my chest.

Minutes pass without a thing.

Papers lying with the rest.

I just want to catch the seas.

Now I see some purple there.

Still I feel the still chill air.

Stare @ shades o’ midnight wares.

Posted in Metered, Mezunian Sonnet, Poetry

TIME-TRAVELING DIAMOND-CUTTER-SHAPED HEARTACHES

Now it’s time we tuned back to those classic tunes

‘bout the moon-a in the June-a in the afternoon;

& we don’t need no modern-fangled feats

o’ olden tricks, like meter, rhymes, & feet;

we don’t need to throw chi or respond these pictures

o’ stars that aren’t stars

but whatever-the-something put into jars.

There are only a few grains o’ tricks hid in my pouch;

soon or late,

whether swoon or hate,

we’ll have to life your face out o’ that crevice in the couch.

—But gramps, I’m sick o’ that rusty ol’ sky;

¿don’t you know the moon is so last night?

Everyone knows that rainy gray afternoons

are the tunes that make the spoons on dudes swoon—.

But dummy youth blind

that hungry youth lap

up that ol’ night whine

e’en if in a new glass.

The Gorilla Glaciers to this night

swoon «¿Are You Gonna Be Mine, June Fly?»

on the ol’ compact disc device,

e’en if in a new context,

e’en if its text is in that new-fashioned texting text.

So go ‘head, put that needle back on the disc;

listen to the Crane build his Brooklyn Bridge;

let up or down the curtain;

curl under a blanket that makes it all certain;

& put on those ol’ MIDIs

o’ tinny sequin-amp-skinned ditties

o’ Koopa’s Road.

We all want to be home. We all want to be emo.

So fuck the stale laugh;

in fact the moonsong does e’erlast.

«Good dawn & good chance.»

Posted in Poetry

PESE A TODO MI IRA SOY TODAVÍA SÓLO UNA RATA EN UNA JAULA

«♫ Scuttling crabs & gulping clams,

blood runs in all grains o’ sa—♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa…

Not so quick, slick…

Ha, ha, you didn’t think you were expected here, ¿did you?

Not when you’re like that—

no, don’t think we didn’t notice that. We did.

Look, I’m sure there are plenty o’ places for that…

Well, then that just proves our point, doesn’t it.

Look, I’m not hissing orders here,

but I think it’d be better for all o’ us

if you went somewhere else».

‘Hind the soft slam o’ the door

one hears the singing resume…

«♫ Chocolate butter, apple jam,

sugar seeps in every can… ♪»

…but shrunken & funneled.

Posted in Poetry

Porcelain Dreams

I can’t hate your flapping mouth,

iron pelican; I care

nothing ‘bout their slander, ‘bout

stereotypes: I’ll scrub you fair.

¡But I did clean your bathroom! ¡How rude!

(Laugh track’s stabbed your back, my man.)

«You can’t scrub the rust from rust;

dust shall always stick to dust.»

Gray-brown seaweed clings my hands &

drags them drain-down, drowning ‘neath

water will not drain @ random.

Now this nightmare ne’er comes clean.

Till toilet flushes wake us, & we drown

in boiling tubs o’ fresh blood with a frown.

Don’t those vacuums suck, ¿‘mirite?

But a’least I’m clean this time.

Posted in Metered, Poetry

DEBES HABER PERDIDO EL JUICIO FUE UN DISEÑO SENCILLO LO JODES CADA VEZ ¿CÓMO PODRÍAS DEJARME ATRÁS?

Accompanying music.

Recuerdo una vez que yo era de niño

y hurgaba en una lata de café

que era llenado de dados colorados,

gomas élasticas,

dispersas piezas de rompecabezas,

peniques,

pedazos de LEGO,

fichas de Monopoly Jr.,

y naipes de juegos de mesa obscuros.

Esta fue el día que aprendí lo que es arte.

When I was young

I remember looking into a coffee can

filled with colored dice,

rubber bands,

stray puzzle pieces,

pennies,

LEGO pieces,

Monopoly Jr. tokens,

& cards from obscure board games.

This was when I learned what art is.

Posted in Española, Poetry