S’posedly 2 reviewers called this band Deftones the “Radiohead of metal”. Now, I don’t know anything ’bout music beyond what my early 2000s radio stations let me listen to, so I don’t know what this “Radiohead” is or why it’s been detached from its Radiobody, but we can assume it must be cheesy & lame, given that Deftones is a nu-metal band, & e’eryone knows all nu-metal bands are silly & lame.

So we’re going to look @ their biggest album, White Pony.

1. Back to School (Mini Maggit)

We start with the greatest song Deftones has e’er made. ¡Just look @ that amazing music video!

This song, which shows off Chino Moreno’s amazing rippity rapping skills with these hard bars ’bout the street thug life in high school:

while everyone’s out trying to make the cut (what)
& when you think you know me right, i switch it up
behind the walls, smokin’ cigarettes and sippin’ vodka
i hop a fence to catch a cab, ain’t no one can stop us

Yeah, ¡cracka! ¡We be smokin’ cigs & jumping the fence to catch a cab! Paragraph to yo’ auntie.

Then in the chorus he boasts ’bout how back in school, we are the leaders o’ all. ¡Yeah! ¡Fuck being an adult! I’m going back to school to be a leader! ¡Push back that square!

Unironically, this song is musically excellent, especially thanks to those opening high-pitched noodly strings & those menacing low-tuned guitar riffs that bounce up & down thruout the verses while less low guitar noises break thru.

Grade: S

2. Feiticeira

Sadly, we don’t get any mo’ hippity hop songs & the next song is some droning song with super clear, clacking drums that’s ’bout… ¿a Brazilian woman being kidnapped?

Chino Moreno sings here from the perspective of a person who has been kidnapped. He explained on Deftones World: “It’s named after a Brazilian female, but its lyrically about a kidnapping scenario. It details a few hours of being held captive. There’s a lot of dialogue in there that was fun to write.”

That’s, um, an interesting topic to write ’bout. Glad you had fun writing ’bout it.

Tho it’s not as amazing as their previous magnum opus, this song has some great music itself, including the aforementioned super clear, clacking drums, the revving opening strings, & especially the bellowing low notes during the interlude ’tween the 1st & 2nd verses.

Grade: S

3. Digital Bath

Still doing this weird slow, droning singing instead o’ that amazing rapping from “Back to School” for some reason… O, well, this song’s all right with its beautiful imagery o’… ¿somebody leading a girl into a bathtub & murdering her by electrocution by throwing a toaster in it & then standing her corpse up & dressing it? OK, Deftones, ¿what the fuck? Real talk: ’tween these 2 songs & that album cover leering down @ a woman’s cleavage, this band are starting to sound like those weird edgy incels that women avoid in school. ¡You’re not going to be leaders back in school like that, Deftones! Ironically, the fact that this song is so much better written than the average misogynist nu-metal song — & there are a lot — with its strong imagery & detail contrasted gainst the average nu-metal bands’ generic, abstract word salads makes it sound worse.

& for a song with such imagery, ¿who the fuck decided to make the music video just trite footage o’ them playing on stage, them screwing around in their tour bus, crowds cheering, a few scraps o’ unclear imagery — I think there’s 1 shot o’ a bubbling bathtub — &… ¿a custodian mopping the floor? We really needed that clip. Good o’ Deftones to show some support for the underappreciated blue-collar worker, I guess.

Anyway, despite all those flaws, this is a very nice-sounding song, especially its opening smoky whistle noises, more o’ those super clear drums, & those moody notes. I might e’en go far ’nough to say that the bizarre droning singing that goes from tired to loud moaning works well for a bizarre song ’bout killing a woman with a toaster in a bathtub.

Grade: S

4. Elite

I was going to criticize this song as a forgettable banger where the singer just keeps shouting in his whispry voice — ¿where is that rapping, Chino? You’re wasting your Eminem-like skills, man — with a clunky, repetitive melody in both singing & playing, mixed up only with unimpressive filter effects that make the singer sound like an alien. But then I read the lyrics, which are impossible to hear thru Chino’s singing, & they’re amazing: any song with lyrics that go, “stop parading your angles / ¿confused? you’ll know when you’re ripe”, deserves an S in my book. He’s right: people should stop parading their angles; angles aren’t special — e’eryone’s got ’em, folks.

Grade: S

5. Rx Queen

I was going to joke ’bout how I think Deftones is like Radiohead in that they just pull random lyrics out o’ a hat to sound deep, which is how we get lines like, “we’ll stop to rest on the moon”; but to be fair, other than that & most o’ the lyrics from the previous song, this song’s lyrics actually serve a clever metaphor o’ parasitical insects stinging another, killing it for sustenance, for a toxic relationship involving drugs, which fits well with the wasplike low drone o’ this song & the title o’ this song — presumably referring to his girlfriend. I know this song is still falling into the “dead girl syndrome” trope o’ cheap dark drama, but a’least this is a mo’ relatable problem, not just the singer out o’ nowhere coming up with the idea o’ women being kidnapped in Brazil or electrocuted in a bath tub. Plus, this time the song mostly works in abstract metaphors, & this time to the song’s benefit. So, sure, have ’nother S. ¿Why not?

Grade: S

6. Street Carp

Ah, now here we go; now we’re on familiar territory: a man whining ’bout his bitchy ex-wife.

Actually, being 100% honest, this song kinda blows ass. The way Chino sings, “ohhhh, well, here’s my new aaadrehhhhs / ¡6! ¡6! ¡4! ohhhhhh, I forgehhhhht”, sounds so terrible it actually impresses me. Like, you have to be very creative to come up with something so sonically toxic. Meanwhile, the singing & music are just repetitive, bland versions o’ what’s done better on other songs & the opening, where we have grinding guitars filtered thru what sounds like Game Boy Advance speakers & a sudden, “¡nyaaaaaah!”, is just goofy as hell. “It’s not that I care”, indeed. But this song makes me laugh, it has a funny name like “Street Carp”, which Genius tells me is probably this song’s protagonist calling his ex a ho bag, &, most importantly, I have already settled on my joke o’ giving e’ery song on this album as S rank for the memes, so here ya go.

Grade: S

7. Teenager

Not gonna lie: considering how creepy & weird this band has been ’bout women, I felt dread when I saw a song called “Teenagers” that I’d get a good ol’ fashioned Beatles-type “well, she was just 17…”. Luckily, in this case, the protagonist is also a teenager, & this is probably the least creepy song Deftones has e’er wrote ’bout a woman.

I’m a sucker for record player texture — which is why my hipster ass has a vinyl record player & such classics as 3 Three Days Grace albums, Korn’s Issues, & 311’s greatest hits on vinyl — as well as the weird alien sucking noises near the end & those soft drum beats, so have ’nother S.

Grade: S

8. Knife Prty

¿What does Chino have to say ’bout this song?

I made up this fake scenario of some kind of underworld society of knives, people who just get off on these erotic fantasies…or something like that. An ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ kind of thing.

OK, sure, yeah. ¿Does e’ery song need to be ’bout sex, tho? Like, you could just have the “underworld society of knives” without the sex & not make it weird.

Also, you have this weird-ass premise, ¿but you couldn’t come up with a better chorus than, “go get your knife, go get your knife”? ¿& why couldn’t you spell “knife” correctly in the title? ¿Did your “I” key on your keyboard fail to fire like mine keeps doing?

I do kind o’ like the muffled guitar notes that show up @ the beginning & keep coming back, but nothing else is all that interesting. I guess some woman is singing mo’ than halfway thru the song ’cause some woman happened to be singing in the next room. Yeah, that sounds like the reason this random part o’ the song is here.

Unfortunately, I can’t hear the lines, “’cause in here, we are all anemic”, which I’m sure are super deep &, uh, deep, but I can’t hear that line without hearing that e’en mo’ fantastic line from Young Thug: “i’m like i’m anemic too / a Neiman Marcus shoppperrrrr”. & by, “unfortunately”, I mean, “unfortunately, I have to give you an S grade for that”.

Grade: S

9. Korea

The only interesting part o’ this song is that we finally learn the reason this album is called White Pony: it’s cocaine. It’s too bad this is the least interesting song on this album, talking ’bout doing drugs & partying. It doesn’t sound bad, mind you: it has the same crisp production with sharp drumbeats & heavy guitar riffs; I’m just saying, if I had to remove a song, it’d have been this & not “Back to School (Mini Maggit)”.

I mean, e’en the title has no relevance:

While the album was released in 2000, Deftones have not toured South Korea until 2009. Unless they traveled there within that era, the title of the song seems to be unrelated.

Bro, ¿how do you name an entire song “Korea” & not tour in a’least 1 o’ them for nearly a decade? Unless this band did tour in North Korea, which would be pretty bad ass & would immediately merit an S grade, but also hard to believe, I’m afraid I can’t in good conscience give this song an S grade, so I’ll just give it a South Korean flag emoji instead:

Grade: 🇰🇷

10. Passenger

I’ve heard a lot o’ people lavishly praise on this song, presumably ’cause it features Maynard James Keenan, lead singer o’ Tool, e’ery hipster’s favorite prog-metal band, & A Perfect Circle, the band that people list when they want to be e’en mo’ hipster, & the guy whose name I always mix up with the economist John Maynard Keynes. I think it’s all right, I guess. Genius says, “this slow-burning ballad is rife with metaphorical imagery and atmospheric musical arrangements”, ¿& who am I to argue with them? I’ll tell you who I am: J. J. W. Mezun, certified nu-metal specialist. I don’t really see much metaphorical imagery in this song’s lyrics, which mostly seems to describe parts o’ the inside o’ a car mo’ than anything. I also don’t see what’s so atmospheric ’bout the repetitive “nuh-nuh-nuh nuh nuh” riffs thruout most o’ this song, broken off by the sparse, seemingly arrhythmic drum beats ’hind the verses. I do kind o’ like Keenan’s vocal performance on the choruses, I guess. I also find it funny that the Genius note assumes this song is ’bout people having sex in a car, ’cause presumably e’ery Deftones song needs to be ’bout weird sex.

But if e’eryone else is saying this song is amazing, I must be wrong, so here’s ’nother S:

Grade: S

11. Change (In the House of Flies)

You know, it’s ironic that the labels apparently pushed Deftones into making a new song that eventually became their magnum opus, “Back to School (Mini Maggit)”, ’cause this album s’posedly had no hits ( my apologies for the eye-searing white text on red background ), only for this other song to become a far mo’ iconic & successful hit for them. As amazing as “Back to School” is, this song truly defines this band, with its iconic opening notes, ghostly wind sounds, & following foreboding drums, followed by a perishing voice calling out, “i watched you chaaaaange”. Best o’ all, this song takes a break from this album’s typical thematic obsessions with sex & violence gainst women — a’least I think it does — & instead focuses on the classic literary trope o’ someone transforming into an insect like Gregor Samsa. There’s not much imagery to this song’s lyrics — or many lyrics @ all — but that sparseness fits well with this sparse song, which, like Franz Kafka Metamorphosis, is a mystery that is mo’ ’bout what isn’t said than what is.

There. ¿See? I can be just as good a hipster lyrical analyst — I just noticed how goofy that word looks, including the word “anal” in it, as if it meant “somebody who studies rectums” — as any upper-middle-class liberal arts college cracker who won’t shut the fuck up ’bout Tame Impala.

Grade: S

12. Pink Maggit

The acceptance o’ this song by critics & not “Back to School (Mini Maggit)” is proof that critics will love any slow, dreary song, no matter how inane, as this song literally has the same goofy-ass chorus as that song, ’cept now it’s trying to sound serious when saying “pushed back the square” & “’cause back in school / we are the leader of it all” — ’cept in this song we also get some extra violence gainst women with “now that you need her, but you don’t” replaced with “now that you kneed her in the throat”.

Since we are taking these lyrics seriously now apparently, instead o’ just laughing @ their goofiness, I should add that the sentiment ’hind this song is really dumb:

The title comes from a Kool Keith song. We just thought it was some funny stuff. The song is meant to be triumphant. I’m trying to spread a little confidence. Lots of artists try to make songs for the kids who are tormented in school, telling them it’s okay to be tormented. But it’s not okay. Don’t be ridiculed. Become the leader of your surroundings. Confidence is one of the most important things in life. If you are confident, you can do whatever you want.

Chino Moreno

That’s good advice to people being bullied: “¡just stand up for yourself & stop letting yourself be bullied!” This super deep album literally ends with fucking pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps self-help bullshit. Thank you, Deftones, for the best April Fool’s joke.

All that being said… I’m a sucker for the slow build up, with Chino sounding like he’s being strangled like a squealing horse — ¿a squealing white pony? — near the end o’ the intro just to hold it back e’en mo’, only for the song to finally stop edging & finally start cumming with its blast o’ rock-hard guitar riffs that make me rock hard, similar to Tool’s “Parabol” leading into “Parabola” — & therefore turning my cock into a parabola… Wait, I don’t think that’s the right shape.

Having said that, ironically I think this song ending the album only makes it make mo’ sense for this album to start with “Back to School (Mini Maggit)”, giving this album a bookends feel that wouldn’t be there when starting with “Feiticeira”, which also doesn’t start with nearly as iconic an opening as “Back to School”.

Grade: S

Final Verdict

White Pony is a 1-o’-a-kind album, instantly recognizable but impossible to copy, with lyrics taking sharp turns on e’ery song, e’en if many o’ those sharp turns are kinda dumb. ¿But does it have an angsty song ’bout The Wizard of Oz? Because it doesn’t, I’m afraid it doesn’t quite meet an S grade, but will have to settle for a, “白子🐎”.

Final Grade: 白子🐎

(həd)^p.e., which has the weirdest punctuation o’ maybe any band name, is a criminally underrated nu-metal band, especially their classic 2000 album, Broke, which is still an absolute banger, blending in punk & mo’ believably hip hop elements than most nu-metal bands for a much wilder sound.

1. Killing Time

We start with what I think is the best song, starting with those memorable noisy notes, 1st sparsely broken up by long, awkward pauses, & then building into droning regularity. Then we get verses where the singer ironically smoothly croons in his raspy voice ’bout what a fuck up he is, laying around all day doing drugs & watching Jerry Springer, before repeating, “just killing time…”, in an eerily calm voice & then breaking out into a manic snakelike screaming during the chorus, “¡KIIIIIIIIIISSS THE WOOOORLD GOODBYYYYYYYE!”. Then in the 2nd verse we get a different singing style: now the singer is pleading excuses for his empty life. & then during the bridge we get a hammy incoherent rant that seems to vaguely references the 2012 apocalyptic theories based on ( a misinterpretation o’ ) the Mayan calendar & Christian eschatology:

i keep my eyes on the stars
that’s where i come from
belt of orion
son of a sun god
you know my name i’m a conqueror
the lion king kamehameha come
2012 come 12 tribes
come 12 strands come 12 lives
12 steps 12 months 12 motherfuckas
will all make bail kicked ’cause o’ the crowded jail
sex & violence sells
12 serial killers 12 dead without a trail or a trace
it’s prime time the fight night pay per view suicide
the bee sting butterfly

Grade: S

2. Waiting to Die

“Waiting to Die” continues the nihilist theme o’ “Killing Time”, but is, if one could believe it, e’en mo’ unhinged audibly, with the singer growling the profanity-laden verses with weird up-&-down rhythms followed by screaming @ the edge o’ his voice, “¡EVERYBODY DIES!” repeatedly. It’s not quite as interesting as “Killing Time”, but I certainly love its frantic energy.

Grade A

3. Feel Good

This is the most well-known hit from this album, probably partly thanks to the accompaniment o’ System of a Down frontman Serj Tankian adding his own unhinged energy as they both singing in what sounds like a parody o’ duet sing-alongs, singing in pleading voices how they don’t care if the sky is falling, they just want to feel good, while the verses are made up o’ deep-voiced, mainly monotone rapped verses describing how the world is falling apart much like the previous 2 songs, as well as an inner skit o’ part o’ a conversation o’ someone doing drugs & having sex, & this bizarre section where the singer just says 1-word insults o’ increasing vulgarity sparsely separated by pauses & with particularly heavy, hammy pronunciation, especially on “mothafuckaaah”.

Despite the thematic repetition from the past 2 songs, the lyrics & medley o’ styles sounds distinct, with the lyrics being an anachronistic mix o’ Biblical prophecy — mo’ somber & coherent than the rant @ the end o’ “Killing Time” — & contemporary hiphop boast talk.

In essence, this is yet ’nother crazy-ass song.

Grade S

4. Bartender

This was the other hit from this song — apparently bigger back then, as it actually has a music video. This song goes back & forth from sleazy, smooth, jazzy verses o’ the protagonist trying desperately to get with a woman in a scuzzy bar with footage o’ strippers dancing on poles & standard nu-metal shouting choruses with the typical footage o’ the band playing ’hind a wire fence in front o’ cement walls with graffiti & plenty o’ red light, whose shouts o’, “I JUST WANT YOUR COMPANY”, only emphasize the protagonist’s desperation. The bridge then slows down into a hango’er-like slow slump, repeating the beginning o’ the 1st verse, “ain’t nothin’ working / ain’t nothin’ right / there’s a hole in me that i can’t fill / no matter how hard i try”, showing how li’l the protagonist’s vying for hedonistic excess has gotten him. None o’ this revolutionary artistry, ’course, but this song’s storytelling & the way it matches the music is much mo’ competently done than most o’ the nu-metal I look @. Just compare to something like Hollywood Undead’s magnum opus, “Everywhere I Go”.

Grade: A

5. Crazy Legs

I guess this is the party song, which weirdly remixes the chorus to The Notorious B. I. G.’s “Hypnotize” as its chorus. I think this would’ve worked better coming before “Bartender” instead o’ after: it’s a weird sequence to go from a dour song ’bout the emptiness o’ hedonism to an unironic celebration o’ sex parties. The singer’s performance on the 2nd verse & especially the bridge are great, but this song does feel like 1 o’ the less memorable songs on this album that treads themes that were better done in earlier songs; it kinda just feels like a weaker version o’ the 4 songs preceding.

Grade: B

6. Pac Bell

Thankfully, that song is followed by a much mo’ different song. Yes, it’s an angsty song ’bout troubled relationships & how it’s led the protagonist to suicidal depression; but albums almost entirely dedicated to that theme are hardly rare in nu-metal. Like many o’ the other songs, it’s the singer’s performance in the verses & how he twists his voice in such a deranged way, e’en when saying something as mundane as “¿why the fuck you fucking with me?”, that makes the difference.

E’en mo’ different, howe’er, is the chorus, with its autotune-sounding emotionless singing, “we used to drive all the time”, that sounds mo’ like the kind o’ songs you’d hear in the 2010s, not anything like what I’d hear in nu-metal albums.

To add to the surrealism, this song’s title is “Pac Bell”, the title o’ an ol’ phone company that 2 years later would be bought by AT&T. It’s relevant, since this song is ’bout someone trying to call his ex, & the song does start & end with the robotic voice o’ an automatic operator asking the protagonist, “if you’d like to make a call, please hang up & try again”.

Grade: A

7. I Got You

Wait, ¿this song had a music video, but not “Feel Good”? I ne’er e’en heard o’ this song before now. Granted, listening to this song, I can imagine this song was probably played @ many concerts, as it seems particularly made for such, with the following lyrics in particular seeming to call out to people to dance:

all my people come on
choose your side
you’re a long way from home
but not alone

To be honest, this song’s doesn’t have as much as the others on this album, with much vaguer lyrics — tho I do like the line, “yeah, eat the rich / but pay me motherfucker”. But, ’gain, I just love this singer’s performance, such as the way his voice dies out a li’l in his throat when he says “afraid” in “they are afraid of you” @ the beginning o’ the 2nd verse &, ’course, the houndlike way he barks, “yeah, I got you” in the chorus.

You can most clearly hear Korn’s influence on this bad in this song, with its music-box low, dreary start to the verse & the singer’s low, raspy, menacing sing-songy voice starting, “Mmm mmm mmm mmm…”.

Grade: B

8. Boom (How You Like That)

¿This had a music video, too? ¿How did all these songs have music videos & not “Feel Good”? That must’ve been some blacksheep hit then.

This song has a couple o’ highlights. For me the best being during the bridge when the singer calls out various people to say, “¿how you like that?”, & asks whiteboys to say it & a bunch o’ super honkey voices say it. That’s pretty funny.

That said, while the song in itself is a fun banger, compared to other tracks on this album it feels less interesting, repeating the same themes, with the same vague social commentary you’d find from many lower-tier nu-metal bands like Papa Roach: “we’re so desensitized, we were raised on TV, something something, American Dream”. E’en the call out for various people to shout, “¿how you like that?” goes on too long: ¿did he really need to ask virtually e’ery city in the US? Nothing in this song is cringe a’least.

Grade: C

9. Swan Dive

I’m surprised this song got a music video; but unlike the previous 2 songs, this time I have listened to this song before & this time it’s a pleasant surprise, as I always liked this song with its jazzy verses with the protagonist poetically describing himself climbing up a building, “putting distance between I & I & the ground”, only to then shout ’bout how it’s ’cause he wants to jump off & “swan dive” into the asphalt. In a genre where suicide is typically described either abstractly or with the cliché emo imagery o’ wrist-slitting, a song with the mo’ concrete ( pun not intended ) imagery o’ the very, very brutal death o’ smashing one’s body gainst the street from several stories high is refreshing.

& then in the bridge the protagonist seems to answer — well, maybe not really answer, given how incoherent it is — why he’s suicidal with rants up @ the sky ’bout all the evils in the world, which would be trite if ’twere just him asking, “¿where is the compassion?”, but is made mo’ interesting with bizarre questions like, “tell me, ¿who can control the floods?”, hinting @ the mental disturbance going on in the protagonist’s head, amplified by the bearlike growl the singer employs when answering, “¡NO ONE!”, after each question in the 2nd half.

Grade: A

10. Stevie

( Laughs ). What a weird-ass song:

come on, I’m not deaf or dumb
I’m not little Stevie Wonder
whatever
¡No more lies!

Yes, that’s the chorus & the basis for this song being named “Stevie”. The fact that he caps that imaginative comparison with the bland, “¡No more lies!”, only adds to the absurdity.

Other than that, this is 1 o’ the mo’ middle-ground songs on this album, neither relatively strong nor weak. I do like the jazzy, smooth, & sing-songy 1st 2 verses & the particular way the singer becomes unhinged round the 2nd half o’ the 3rd verse.

Grade: B

11. Jesus (Of Nazareth)

¡✝-rock jump scare!

Actually, unlike corny bands like Thousand Foot Krutch or Skillet, with their Kroeger-brand mass-manufactured WASP evangelism with generic celebrations o’ how wicked ( ¡in a cool way! ) Jesus is & fairy tales o’, um, a psychologist convincing a couple to hold a funeral for the woman’s aborted fetus… this song is much mo’ complex: the singer doesn’t seem to really believe in Jesus, saying to the crucifix on his wall, which inspires paranoid fear rather than hope or comfort, “I can’t believe a single word that you’re saying / I see your lips moving, but nothing’s coming out”, & seems to only be turning to Jesus out o’ pure desperation. & the song ends with the singer expressing doubt that it’ll work:

they’re telling me to take my own life
breathe my last breath, eat my last meal
you got what you deserve
¿how’s that feel?

This deliberate comparison to Jesus with “eat my last meal” makes it ambiguous whether or not the protagonist is criticizing himself or criticizing Jesus, including the line earlier, “mass murder, court convicted, terroristic creature of the night”. I mean, Jesus was convicted by a court; & if Jesus is God in human flesh, there was that whole flood that killed nearly e’ery human; & I would call passover, wherein God killed the 1st-born o’ e’ery non-Jewish-person in Egypt round midnight to scare Egypt into freeing Jewish people the act o’ a “terroristic creature of the night”… I’m probably reading too much into this… Still, a’least I can do that instead o’ just making jokes ’bout Thousand Foot Krutch making a song ’bout being sorry one wasted one’s life just jerking off all the time.

While not mindblowing, I like the shifts from the eerie sparse piano notes — which sound a lot like the ones on “meet the grahams”, just so I can keep talking ’bout that year-ol’ beef — with low bass notes & tired vocals vs. the loud choruses.

Grade: A

11. The Meadow (Special Like You)

( Note: this song also has a music video, but it’s just mo’ concert playing & hanging round their tour bus & doesn’t include the whole 9-minute track ).

This is a nice song, especially with the funk notes in the background, which was not something you saw much in nu-metal. The way the singer’s voice rasps out a bit during the chorus is a nice touch.

E’en better, this song ends with some woman babbling ’bout elephants thru a fast food speaker box.

To add to the absurdity — ’cause e’en this otherwise nice ballad can’t be normal — this track’s dour ending is flipped after a pause with a secret track that’s just outtakes & goofing around. Such is the emotional complexity o’ nu-metal.

Grade: B

Final Verdict

This album unironically holds up much better than most o’ the albums I’ve looked @ in this series, blending some o’ the weirdness o’ nu-metal with much less cringe edgy elements & a much wilder less polished sound. Tho thematically it does get a bit repetitive, stylistically it has mo’ variance & does mo’ that other nu-metal bands didn’t do. It’ll probably ne’er warrant the critical acclaim o’ bands like Sevendust or Deftones; or bands I’ve ne’er heard o’ that are probably only acclaimed on Rate Your Music because they’re obscure like The Shiznit, Ikd-sj, or Stepa; or… ¿Incubus’s S.C.I.E.N.C.E., ranked as the 10th highest rated on Rate Your Music? That’s actually pretty based. I’ll definitely be talking ’bout that 1 eventually…

Anyway, I think this album should be remembered mo’, especially since it makes a better balance o’ being mo’ fun than the drearier o’ acclaimed artists while being less embarrassing than your Limp Bizkits — up there with, like, Korn, maybe.

Final Grade: A

I think it’s time we take another look @ our friends, Breaking Benjamin. This time I’ve chosen their 1st LP, Saturate, for 2 reasons: 1, it gets less attention than their other albums, & 2, it has 1 song in particular that I’ve been dying to write ’bout. Hopefully the rest o’ the album gives me something to talk ’bout, too.

1. Wish I May

O, man, you know a song is hardcore when it starts with a scream.

Well, I’ll say 1 thing ’bout this song: Ben does a good job o’ sounding drunk on this song, with the way he slurs his speech & the tipsy way he says the incoherent line, “we left this land of shiny lights”. That’s not a snide “compliment”, either: this song is really ’bout alcoholism, so it fits.

Unfortunately, otherwise, this song sounds very generic, especially compared to the kind o’ songs they would write on this same subject thruout, say, the album Dear Agony, & doesn’t have the kind o’ cheese I’m looking for.

Grade: C

2. Medicate

This song’s an OK banger, but also not as good as a lot o’ the stuff they’d do later, & doesn’t have anything that stands out as either unironically good or good, either. ¿Did I make a mistake choosing this album? I do kinda like the menacing way Ben sings the verses; & while the lyrics are generic, the chorus is mildly catchy.

Grade: C

3. Polyamorous

the day has come to an end
the sun is over my head

¿What? ¿How?

Honestly, given how many anti-romance songs in these kind o’ early 2000s angsty genres like nu-metal & post-grunge blame it on the the significant other for being vaguely bitchy, it’s somewhat refreshing see a song that blames the protagonist for being a cheating douche. I also like the play on the title “polyamorous” sounding poetic & romantic itself while just being ’bout how the singer can’t control himself from sleeping around, which fits with this song’s lyrics involving the protagonist trying to justify & minimize the consequences o’ said sleeping around, repeating in the chorus, “I ne’er hurt anyone”. I also find it funny that this angsty anti-romance song starts & ends with Ben shouting in his raspy voice, “¡let’s go!”, like he’s ’bout to get the club going.

I also appreciate this music video’s set design for having the band play in what looks like a giant bath tub.

Grade: B

4. Skin

I always thought this song was ’bout becoming an ol’ has-been — a funny topic for your 1st major album, but 1 with which I, as someone who has dedicated an article e’ery month or so to waxing nostalgically ’bout ol’ nu-metal albums, can relate; but taking a closer look — or just reading the Genius annotations — & it seems this is ’bout Ben dumping some woman ’cause he thinks she’s gotten ol’ & he’s gotten bored o’ her. That’s kind o’ funny, too, I guess, especially with the catchy, poppy way he sings it. ¡& it is, indeed, catchy! I can’t help singing ’long, “”cause you’re old, & battered & beateeeeen…”, & especially the very throaty way he sings, “& we’ll throw” afterward.

Grade: A

5. Natural Life

I swear e’ery line o’ this song is a different cliché & Ben sounds bored singing, “your natural life, you’re born, you die”, in a nah, nah, nah, nah fashion. I do like the cannon shots during the bridge, like this is the 1812 Overture, tho it doesn’t fit this song @ all.

Grade: D

6. Next to Nothing

This song has, unironically, some o’ Ben’s best singing, especially during the 1st verse when he says, “you know I’ll always be around”. It’s too bad that lyrics & music are pretty meh. I guess the chorus is kind o’ catchy, in a poppy way. ¿Is it too late to switch this out for Phobia? I think I’d actually have mo’ to say ’bout that album.

Grade: C

7. Water

¿What the hell is this song? I don’t e’en remember this song. You’d think I’d remember a song with the mysterious title, “Water”.

¿what’s all this talk of emotion?
i’d rather drink from the ocean

¡Ha, ha! ¡Those are amazing lines to open with! That’s some “you were wrong, since the beginning o’ the bomb” type rhyming just to rhyme there, & I live for it.

Actually, I’ve come to like this song ’bout Ben arguing with a bottle o’ booze, specially the imagery o’ alcoholism being like an anthropomorphic bottle o’ booze holding someone’s head underwater; & realizing that’s what this song is ’bout, the 1st 2 lines e’en make sense now. I also like the choppy, foreboding sound to this song, which has a drowning-like sound to it.

Grade: A

8. Home

¡Here’s the song I was looking for! This song is a treasure & I will fight to my dying breath for it to be put in the registry o’ nu-metal songs worth meming ’bout: take Ben’s angsty perishing singing but mix it with lyrics ’bout, I shit you not, The Wizard of Oz. If you haven’t listened to any o’ these songs, ¡you have to listen to this song! This jabroni legit sings “& I’m gonna get you & your li’l dog, too” like this is a song ’bout his wife dying. If you’re too cowardly to sing ’long to the bridge —

in the black & the white
a technicolor life
then another arrived
¡it’s a cowardly lion!

— with as much dramatis as Ben does in this song, you are a fucking beta. ¡I said it!

I think this song is s’posed to be metaphorical, but you can’t go indepth into the lore o’ The Wizard of Oz as these lyrics do ’bout an “a man made of tin with an oil-can grin” when your song is s’posed to be ’bout something deeper.

I should also note that this “music video” isn’t official in the slightest — ¡but it should be!

Grade: S

9. Phase

In case you think Ben’s done trolling, we follow that masterpiece with what starts out sounding like Breaking Benjamin attempting a cover o’ “DK Island Swing” from Donkey Kong Country. But, you know: it actually works with this song, whose subject manner is interesting: it’s ’bout hypochondria & having several phobias & how people tell you — or you tell yourself — that it’s “just a phase”; such wild fear does fit with a jungle-like sound.

Grade: A

10. No Games

You heard Ben: he’s not fucking around anymo’. This game is o’er & he’s mean & older. Granted, the soothing croon in which he sings this doesn’t convey much meanness…

Hold on: ¿how does he end the chorus?

& i bend to your will
i’ve fellated myself

i dunno, that sounds like a pretty common game men play to me. &, yes, he does sing that last line with the urgency he sang, “& your li’l dog, too”. I’m not going to waste any time talking ’bout petty things like how this song sounds: you get an automatic S rank for that.

Grade: S

11. Sugarcoat

I love how his lines ’bout how he’ll “never know your sugarcoat” paired with “suck on your lies till your eyes turn red” imply he’s jealous ’cause she’s sucking some other guy’s dick in secret while he can’t e’en get a taste o’ that Wet Ass Pussy™. I ne’er realized how, um… mo’ vulgar this earlier album is ( then again, this is the band that made “Topless” for Phobia ).

Musically, I do like the contrast o’ the acoustic strings & soft singing in the verses gainst the banging riffs, beats, & screaming o’ the chorus.

Grade: B

12. Shallow Bay

¿Another song ’bout Ben being thirsty? ¡Finish up before getting in the booth, Ben! That’s just common courtesy. Especially when you hurt your chances with whoe’er this theoretical woman is with, “i don’t think you want to fuck with me”, sung with his voice crackling out weakly, which is certainly a sonic choice. I think the lines ’bout him “float[ing] upon a shallow bay” hint that the protagonist o’ this song is s’posed to be a pathetic drunk, so the irony is probably intentional.

During the few couple years that Breaking Benjamin were a band, the band would close the setlist with this song, with frontman Ben Burnley dedicating the song to “all you Shallow Bay-ers out there.”

Genius

That just makes my interpretation e’en funnier: “¡Here’s for all you drunk fuck bois out in the crowd! — ¡you know who you are! ¡You’re in your mid 30s & @ a god damn Breaking Benjamin concert!”.

Grade: C

13. Forever

This is just the song they put on during the end credits ’cause they know nobody’s going to sit there & read them all. I can take a cue: it’s time for me to leave this movie theater.

Grade: D

Final Verdict

¿Would you believe me if I said my opinion o’ this album actually improved on this listen? The lyrics were mo’ interesting than I remember, as are some o’ the musical choices. Granted, this mainly applies to the latter half; the 1st half was pretty forgettable.

Final Grade: C

¿what the hell is this? ¿donuts are illegal now? ¡this isn’t the america trump promised me!

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before in 1 o’ these installments, but Linkin Park is 1 o’ the few nu-metal bands that people generally consider to not be embarrassing anymo’, which, to be cynically blunt, has a lot to do with the lead singer’s suicide — let’s be real: if it hadn’t happened, half o’ these posers out there would still be meming ’bout the crawling that was occurring inside his skin. I am the exception, ’course: I was defending them long before, as I defend bands that still haven’t become appreciated like classic Three Days Grace — but not that latest single they released with the original singer back in the band: that song like o’erproduced trash & I have no idea what they did to poor Adam Gontier’s voice.

Anyway, it’s 2024 & Linkin Park recently released their 1st album since Bennington’s passing with a new singer, Emily Armstrong. Said singer has some controversy surrounding Scientology & supporting or seeming to support that guy from That 70s Show who was sentenced to 30 years in jail for rape. It seems e’ery nu metal band needs to have some member doing something cringe, whether it be signing IDF missiles, bitching ’bout not being able to buy Dr. Seuss books on ebay & WAP for making a better song than his band will e’er make, participating in that shitty Nostalgia Critic review ’bout The Wall, & the billions o’ stupid things that guy from Trapt said, so unfortunately, I can’t only review the albums by innocent people like Papa Roach, who I know have ne’er done anything wrong in their life, & it’s not like me talking ’bout any o’ these albums is glowing recommendations to give them money. As a dirty commie, I don’t believe in giving money to anyone: that’s your money; hoard that shit like the gnomes do.

1. From Zero (Intro)

Linkin Park oft starts albums with throw’way intro tracks, going all the way back to Meteora starting with sounds o’ throwing shit around for some reason. I ne’er understood it as a kid & I still don’t now. This 1 is probably the weakest o’ them all: half o’ it is generic chanting & then the rest is some background clip o’ who I assume is the new lead singer trying to figure out why the album is named “From Zero”. ¿Who cares? ¿Does anyone know why the 2nd album is called “Meteora” or what that e’en means? In the past 20 years o’ that album’s existence I’ve ne’er heard anyone ask why, ’cause nobody cares: it sounds cool, that’s why.

Grade: F

2. The Emptiness Machine

The 1st single comes surprisingly right out the gate on this album. I like the calm way the song starts with low piano notes, muffled drum beats, & Mike Shinoda’s melodic singing, contrasted with the mo’ bombastic 2nd verse introducing the new lead singer, Emily Armstrong.

Not surprisingly, the Genius annotations are full o’ theorizing ’bout this song’s vague lyrics ’bout the vague “you” being nothing but critical o’ the protagonists & how they just “want to be part o’ something”, &, yeah, that could be the case… but Linkin Park has been writing ’bout this kind o’ stuff from the beginning — just compare to the lyrics o’ “Numb”, which, if it had come out on this album, would get the same theorizing, with lines ’bout feeling numb ( ’cause o’ the loss o’ Chester Bennington ) or struggling with the feeling o’ being “put under the pressure of walking in your shoes” — yeah, imagine the implications o’ Armstrong singing that line. Seriously, try out this game with all kinds o’ songs like “Papercut” or “Somewhere I Belong”.

In short, unless a line really sticks out, I’m not going to put much thought into it & treat it as the same abstract angst they’ve been writing since Hybrid Theory.

Grade: A

3. Cut the Bridge

I’m not so fond o’ the chorus for this song, which just sounds like melody-less shouting, which is too bad, as I do like the menacing way Armstrong sings the prechorus, which stands out much mo’. I must say that I’m happy Linkin Park didn’t try to make Armstrong sing like Bennington but allowed her to sing in her own style.

I know I mentioned I wasn’t going to focus on lyrics much, but this is different. ¿What the hell are with the verses Mike be spittin’?

& I can’t even tell if you’ve been tellin’ me a lie
every time you start it’s like the 4th day of July
reckless like you’re makin’ rockets just to blow up in the sky

1st, maybe this isn’t Shinoda’s fault, but I can’t hear a rhyme o’ “lie” & “July” without hearing that wack bar from Drake in “Slime You Out”: “July, that’s when I found out you lied”. 2nd… ¿What is this metaphor? ¿Shooting off fireworks on the 4th o’ July, a day for setting off fireworks, is the most “reckless” example you could think of? I guess it’s creative, a’least.

& then that’s followed by, “feelin’ like it’s chemical, all under my skin like it’s medical”, which doesn’t e’en make sense: ¿how is something being under someone’s skin inherently “medical”? I’ve ne’er thought Mike Shinoda was Nas or anything, but this kind o’ lyrical-spherical whiteboy nu-metal rapping is mo’ on the level o’ a Jacoby Shaddix.

Grade: D

4. Heavy Is the Crown

All right, here’s a much better song. While I wouldn’t consider the lyrics brilliant, they’re much better than “Cut the Bridge”’s, as is Shinoda’s flow, especially the subtle twists to the rhythm done @ the beginning o’ the 2nd verse. I also find the line @ the end o’ the prechorus, “’cause I’m tired of explaining what the joke is”, a genuinely clever twist on that cliché line that I’ve ne’er heard used in the context o’ what sounds like a failing relationship.

But the best part o’ this song is the opening mix o’ electronic symphony & electric guitar which sounds like what you’d find in 1 o’ the best songs o’ Meteora.

Grade: A

5. Over Each Over

But this song is less interesting — not quite as bad as “Cut the Bridge”, but not interesting. Honestly, it sounds like a lot o’ the generic post-grunge stuff I’d hear on the radio station literally just called “The Rock” @ the end o’ when I still listened to the radio, with the o’erproduced electronic loudness that doesn’t seem to know what tone it wants to portray & the way Armstrong o’ersings e’erything. Also, the constant refrain o’ “over each other” gets kind o’ grating.

Also, I swear the background talk noise clip @ the end where Mike Shinoda tells Emily Armstrong to “get her screaming pants on” is the worst thing I’ve e’er heard on a Linkin Park album.

Grade: D

6. Casualty

There are some vocal flourishes I like in this song — especially Mike Shinoda’s raspy singing, which I’ve ne’er heard on any other album before — & the slight back & forth the 2 singers had in the prechorus — tho I wish there was more o’ that. I also like a few o’ the record scratches; but for the most part the music just sounds like walls o’ heavy riffs & this song is clearly trying too hard to be the “heavy” song on the album without much else inspiration. While I appreciate the desire to add variety, it comes off as Linkin Park failing to play to their strengths & failing to bring what this kind o’ genre brings better. If I want this kind o’ wall o’ yelling & riffing, I’d rather stick with Lamb of God, who have mo’ rhythm & riff variation.

Grade: C

7. Overflow

Whereas the other songs that deviated from Linkin Park’s older sound sounded mo’ like pale, watered-down imitations of other styles, this song’s deviation sounds much mo’ creative & unique — with the exception o’ the main light tone in the background, which sounds kind o’ like the main notes to “Crawling”; but given that’s the only thing ’bout this song that sounds similar to that song, it’s actually mo’ interesting that they made the callback, if ’twas intentional. Mike Shinoda’s rapping sounds much mo’ modern than his usual ol’ school Run-DMC flow & fits the ethereal tone o’ this song; same with Armstrong’s dour singing on the chorus.

Grade: A

8. Two Faced

This is a Hybrid Theory style banger with plenty o’ catchy hooks, including the great idea o’ having the verses & choruses break into 2 catchy hooks each. In fact, it perhaps sounds a bit too much like Hybrid Theory, with the bridge sounding very similar to the famous “¡SHUT UP WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!” bridge o’ “One Step Closer”. Granted, Armstrong does a great job with her version, especially with the various ways she whispers, “I can’t hear myself think” early on. & I’m a sucker for any song that ends with record scratching whilin’ out — it’s been too long since Mr. Hahn, who is truly the best member o’ the group, got to work his magic again.

Grade: B

9. Stained

While most o’ this album sounds like nostalgic throwbacks to noughties nu-metal, this song sounds like a throwback to 2010s “indie” electronic rock, including the millennial whoas. ¿Has it been long enough for those to go from being a hated cliché to fond nostalgic memory? Eh, as goofy as it is, it is kinda catchy. This song’s all right.

Grade: B

10. IGYEIH

Musically, this is very middle-o’-the-road — a “Runaway”, you could say. If you ask me, “¿What the hell is ‘Runaway’? ¿You mean the Kanye West song?”, that answers your question: it’s the Hybrid Theory song you don’t remember. I guess there is that weird squeaky sound in the background sometimes. It’s kind o’ annoying, tho, so I’d hardly consider it a +.

Lyrically, this song is mixed. There are some lines I would actually call pretty good, like the good ol’ emo line, “I write all the memories down all over my skin”, which is a metaphor I’m surprised I haven’t heard before ( for tattoos, yes; cutting oneself, no ); but then we get goofy-ass lines like, “The clock keeps ticking, the rules aren’t written” — ¿what rules? ¿what the fuck are you talking ’bout? — or “I give you everything I have, all you give me is your ugliness”. O, no, don’t give me your ugliness. & while “Forgotten doesn’t mean that it’s forgiven this time” is a relatively clever line, unfortunately I haven’t forgotten you used that same line on the previous song.

Grade: C

11. Good Things Go

For most o’ the song I didn’t have anything to say ’bout this song, ’twas so middle-o’-the-road, but then the bridge came on & Mike decided to rap like some mediocre modern rapper who for some reason making sounds like, “eh” & “oh” ’tween lines sounds cool. He should’ve gone all the way & made those weird sounds that mumble rappers always did, like, “¡brrrrddddup!” or “¡shoo shoo!”. That’s the new kind o’ nu-metal we’ve been needing all this time: mumble rap metal.

But, yeah, otherwise this is a very tepid sad song with standard low notes, ’cept for maybe the crescendoing melody @ the end o’ the chorus being somewhat catchy, only to be ruined by the lame lyrics, “sometimes bad things take the place where good things go”.

Grade: C

Final Verdict

E’en tho I’ve come across as somewhat dismissive in some o’ these song reviews, o’erall this album is better than I would’ve expected, especially given the circumstances. Since their 1st 2 classic albums Linkin Park has struggled to evolve, sometimes with disappointing results that seem to be tied too closely to trends, sometimes with interesting surprises. This album is probably Linkin Park doing their best balance o’ hearkening back to their ol’ sound while still sounding distinct itself & not sounding too much like a sad self bootleg. It’s pretty far from my favorite o’ their albums, but not @ the bottom, either.

In fact, I’d say my biggest complaint ’bout this album is its cover, with its random pink bubbling liquid o’er some random surface, which reminds me too much o’ Metallica’s Load album cover with blood & semen mixed together — no, I’m not exaggerating: that’s really what it is.

Final Grade: B

deep in my precambrian tunnels i have heard rumors that someone claiming to be “president” is claiming to have renamed the “gulf of mexico” into the “gulf of america”. as all my readers know, the only valid elections are those in which the englesist magical socialism party wins, in which the only true president is 1 J. J. W. Mezun & the true name o’ this gulf is the “gulf o’ mezunian”. all you readers know too much & will be taken out shortly. have a pleasant last remaining minutes.